static
Is it possible to be firmly lodged in a perpetual state of being content? The more that I reflect on it, the more I realize that I'm not really happy, not really sad, just...sort of ambivalent. The term "shades of grey" has never been more appropriate, as at times is really does feel as if I'm viewing a completely colorless world, like a dog...hah...how fitting...I've become akin to an old dog at this point.
I'm not really happy because it seems as if the things that I seriously enjoy doing tend to be very inconsistent. For example, there's physical fitness, yet when I find myself really starting to overcome a plateau and push myself to that next level, my gym privileges are suspended because I was unable to attend Summer classes. Music has and always will be my refuge, but what can really be done when the pendulum seems to swing back and forth between predestined and inconvenient problems? Bad enough when I can't do anything when practice gets called off because the session before just so happened to be the one instance that I didn't feel like packing up my equipment, but what about when your lineup has been annihilated as part of the endless pursuit of perfection? And with a recording date looming in? One which already needs to be pushed back about another two weeks? Very difficult to get in a creative mindset when bogged down with such rote frustrations.
I'm not really sad because...well, I believe that I've finally learned how to cope with things in a very sensible way. People have always commented on my ability to take bad news very well, which is something of a half-truth. The ravages always occur silently within, and it's only days, sometimes weeks later that the effects bleed outward. Vicious combination of a stone-faced demeanor on the outside betrayed the sentimental nature within. I've entered a state of mind now in which I don't really feel myself being alienated anymore. Those who actually bother to enter a conversation with me can definitely attest to the fact that I'm an extraordinary individual, but I've stopped going out of my way to have an aura of...well...anything, ha ha. Now I simply enjoy most of the extra time that I'm afforded without pissing any of it away.
Still, there's a lingering feeling of yearning. For what, I'm not exactly sure. I can only speculate at this point, but it would be nice if I could have a few more opportunities to speak with people who just "get it", who get ME, who can swim around inside of my thoughtspace for awhile, floating on seemingly endless currents of my ambition and spirit.
I really need to stop making entries before I call it a day.
I'm not really happy because it seems as if the things that I seriously enjoy doing tend to be very inconsistent. For example, there's physical fitness, yet when I find myself really starting to overcome a plateau and push myself to that next level, my gym privileges are suspended because I was unable to attend Summer classes. Music has and always will be my refuge, but what can really be done when the pendulum seems to swing back and forth between predestined and inconvenient problems? Bad enough when I can't do anything when practice gets called off because the session before just so happened to be the one instance that I didn't feel like packing up my equipment, but what about when your lineup has been annihilated as part of the endless pursuit of perfection? And with a recording date looming in? One which already needs to be pushed back about another two weeks? Very difficult to get in a creative mindset when bogged down with such rote frustrations.
I'm not really sad because...well, I believe that I've finally learned how to cope with things in a very sensible way. People have always commented on my ability to take bad news very well, which is something of a half-truth. The ravages always occur silently within, and it's only days, sometimes weeks later that the effects bleed outward. Vicious combination of a stone-faced demeanor on the outside betrayed the sentimental nature within. I've entered a state of mind now in which I don't really feel myself being alienated anymore. Those who actually bother to enter a conversation with me can definitely attest to the fact that I'm an extraordinary individual, but I've stopped going out of my way to have an aura of...well...anything, ha ha. Now I simply enjoy most of the extra time that I'm afforded without pissing any of it away.
Still, there's a lingering feeling of yearning. For what, I'm not exactly sure. I can only speculate at this point, but it would be nice if I could have a few more opportunities to speak with people who just "get it", who get ME, who can swim around inside of my thoughtspace for awhile, floating on seemingly endless currents of my ambition and spirit.
I really need to stop making entries before I call it a day.