the now
Not a whole lot to speak of as of late.
Actually, that's bullshit...if anything, there's been TOO much going on lately. This semester of college has proved to be one of the most hectic and strenuous that I've encountered yet. The workload is very heavy, and there are deadlines to be met seemingly every day. It's all manageable, but takes up pretty much all of my time, leaving next to nothing for leisure...not even a good night's worth of sleep.
My home life still sucks...terribly...and I'd rather not elaborate any more than I already have.
The workload isn't all that's been heavy, though. Feels as if there's been this emotional weight bearing down on me for the past several months. It's the sum of several factors, some of which took manifestation as far back as last July. I've had to pick myself up and carry on from missing out on something...someone incredibly close to me. Actually, if you dig far enough back through my entries to around that time, you'll find one that was made while I was literally sitting about six feet away from her, in the living room of a family whom I'd just met, in a city that I'd never been to before. It's the only time in my life that I ever felt strongly enough about somebody to uproot my own life and give it a shot. I don't have any regrets because I very obviously gave my all and left nothing unsaid, but you can't help but miss and take even greater stock of the good times passed when it seems like you're surrounded with so much stress and tribulation on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.
But this isn't just about me. I've had a friend whose girlfriend, love of his life, passed away at the much too young age of 21. Another friend of mine, one whom I'd lost contact with for several years up until recently, had his father pass away no more than three days ago. There's just so much death, loss, suffering in the air...you'd be as likely to choke on it as you would trying to navigate through a smoggy haze. One in the same, if you ask me. And there really isn't a whole lot that you can do to combat it other than to just stifle your emotional side as much as possible. You hold on to your composure as tightly as possible so that you can conduct yourself in a calm and rational manner during the everyday activities, only to go home and seclude yourself, letting all of the pent up negativity pollute your own aura, blackening it to the point where all you want to do is just curl up and go to sleep, hoping that it'll all be out of your system when once you awaken.
I vow to myself that I'll make a conscious effort to change, and I honestly to try in my own little way. Conquering my own insecurities and bashfulness, maybe smiling at a stranger who makes eye contact with me while walking opposite ways down the same path, or finally speaking to a young lady in one of my classes who piqued my curiosity, even for something as simple as asking to borrow a pen.
Sometimes it seems like it's all for naught. Sometimes I can't figure out whether it's my own body language, still weighed down by the negative vibes, or if they've just chosen to close their own hearts much in the same way that I used to (and still occasionally do) as a makeshift remedy.
I'm going back to sleep.
Actually, that's bullshit...if anything, there's been TOO much going on lately. This semester of college has proved to be one of the most hectic and strenuous that I've encountered yet. The workload is very heavy, and there are deadlines to be met seemingly every day. It's all manageable, but takes up pretty much all of my time, leaving next to nothing for leisure...not even a good night's worth of sleep.
My home life still sucks...terribly...and I'd rather not elaborate any more than I already have.
The workload isn't all that's been heavy, though. Feels as if there's been this emotional weight bearing down on me for the past several months. It's the sum of several factors, some of which took manifestation as far back as last July. I've had to pick myself up and carry on from missing out on something...someone incredibly close to me. Actually, if you dig far enough back through my entries to around that time, you'll find one that was made while I was literally sitting about six feet away from her, in the living room of a family whom I'd just met, in a city that I'd never been to before. It's the only time in my life that I ever felt strongly enough about somebody to uproot my own life and give it a shot. I don't have any regrets because I very obviously gave my all and left nothing unsaid, but you can't help but miss and take even greater stock of the good times passed when it seems like you're surrounded with so much stress and tribulation on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.
But this isn't just about me. I've had a friend whose girlfriend, love of his life, passed away at the much too young age of 21. Another friend of mine, one whom I'd lost contact with for several years up until recently, had his father pass away no more than three days ago. There's just so much death, loss, suffering in the air...you'd be as likely to choke on it as you would trying to navigate through a smoggy haze. One in the same, if you ask me. And there really isn't a whole lot that you can do to combat it other than to just stifle your emotional side as much as possible. You hold on to your composure as tightly as possible so that you can conduct yourself in a calm and rational manner during the everyday activities, only to go home and seclude yourself, letting all of the pent up negativity pollute your own aura, blackening it to the point where all you want to do is just curl up and go to sleep, hoping that it'll all be out of your system when once you awaken.
I vow to myself that I'll make a conscious effort to change, and I honestly to try in my own little way. Conquering my own insecurities and bashfulness, maybe smiling at a stranger who makes eye contact with me while walking opposite ways down the same path, or finally speaking to a young lady in one of my classes who piqued my curiosity, even for something as simple as asking to borrow a pen.
Sometimes it seems like it's all for naught. Sometimes I can't figure out whether it's my own body language, still weighed down by the negative vibes, or if they've just chosen to close their own hearts much in the same way that I used to (and still occasionally do) as a makeshift remedy.
I'm going back to sleep.