thoughts
Contrary to the way I've been conducting myself in public and to most of my friends and loved ones, I've actually been quite miserable lately....fucking miserable, even.
I've been missing somebody terribly. I know, I know...it seems like such a adolescent problem but I'm not sure how else to put it into words. Seems like I've never missed somebody this much in my entire life. Even the sort of forlorn depression I spiraled into after my very first relationship fell apart seems to insignificant in comparison. Granted, back then it was the feeling as if my whole world was just caving in on me. Given several years to grow up and I now realize that it's not even close to anything like that, but it's a different sort of longing altogether. It's not anything cataclysmic more as it is just having a complete grasp on what's missing now. They say that hindsight is always 20/20, and I'm inclined to believe it now.
Sick of being at home, too. Only thing that's keeping me here is my education. I missed the window of opportunity to be able to transfer to another college up north in Denton. Figured that one more semester here wouldn't kill me. Well, I've certainly felt like the walking dead, and we're only a single week into the semester. I'm in it for the long haul until December. Things at home are also rapidly deteriorating. There's just no seeing eye-to-eye with my folks and their ridiculous standards anymore, and the arguments have turned into a daily occurance.
This is actually one of the biggest reasons as to why I'm looking forward to my impending relocation so much. Just the overall attitude of the people when I had first traveled up there...it caught me by surprise. I'm used to being the outsider; it's practically a way of life for me down here. But I was rarely an outsider in Denton because those who didn't know me...well...wanted to get to know me! I've never encountered friendlier people than the ones I had the pleasure of meeting up there, and if that's considered "normal" behavior the whole way around, then that should paint a vivid picture about just how fucked up people are in little Brownsville.
Bought a Weatherproof jacket today. My father came in no more than five minutes ago and asked if I was planning on writing my name on the inside collar with a magic marker. I gently told him that I'm not in the 3rd grade and that I'm perfectly capable of hanging onto personal items. If I can keep track of a $600 laptop computer that I've been hauling around campus for nearly two semesters, I think I might be able to keep track of something that covers my upper torso. He reacted in his usual sensitive fashion by raising his voice, storming out of my room, and remarking that I was "not normal".
This is exactly the sort of fucked up nature of things I have to deal with on a daily, nay, an hourly basis down here. I'm ostracized by a vast majority of the people here simply because I'm a white dude living in a area that has a 94% hispanic populous, even despite the fact that I'm one-quarter hispanic myself! I have almost no opportunities for work, upward social advancement, even recreational activities. It's a stifling vice that's only served to sour my attitude and leave me in a near perpetual bad mood.
I think that this is why I miss Denton so much, why I miss my brother and sis-in-law so much, and especially why I miss Abby so much.
Down here I'd gotten so used to people telling me that I was stupid and would never amount to anything that...I sort of started to believe it.
Funny how trying times like these are the ones which rally make you realize the people who matter the most in your life.
I've been missing somebody terribly. I know, I know...it seems like such a adolescent problem but I'm not sure how else to put it into words. Seems like I've never missed somebody this much in my entire life. Even the sort of forlorn depression I spiraled into after my very first relationship fell apart seems to insignificant in comparison. Granted, back then it was the feeling as if my whole world was just caving in on me. Given several years to grow up and I now realize that it's not even close to anything like that, but it's a different sort of longing altogether. It's not anything cataclysmic more as it is just having a complete grasp on what's missing now. They say that hindsight is always 20/20, and I'm inclined to believe it now.
Sick of being at home, too. Only thing that's keeping me here is my education. I missed the window of opportunity to be able to transfer to another college up north in Denton. Figured that one more semester here wouldn't kill me. Well, I've certainly felt like the walking dead, and we're only a single week into the semester. I'm in it for the long haul until December. Things at home are also rapidly deteriorating. There's just no seeing eye-to-eye with my folks and their ridiculous standards anymore, and the arguments have turned into a daily occurance.
This is actually one of the biggest reasons as to why I'm looking forward to my impending relocation so much. Just the overall attitude of the people when I had first traveled up there...it caught me by surprise. I'm used to being the outsider; it's practically a way of life for me down here. But I was rarely an outsider in Denton because those who didn't know me...well...wanted to get to know me! I've never encountered friendlier people than the ones I had the pleasure of meeting up there, and if that's considered "normal" behavior the whole way around, then that should paint a vivid picture about just how fucked up people are in little Brownsville.
Bought a Weatherproof jacket today. My father came in no more than five minutes ago and asked if I was planning on writing my name on the inside collar with a magic marker. I gently told him that I'm not in the 3rd grade and that I'm perfectly capable of hanging onto personal items. If I can keep track of a $600 laptop computer that I've been hauling around campus for nearly two semesters, I think I might be able to keep track of something that covers my upper torso. He reacted in his usual sensitive fashion by raising his voice, storming out of my room, and remarking that I was "not normal".
This is exactly the sort of fucked up nature of things I have to deal with on a daily, nay, an hourly basis down here. I'm ostracized by a vast majority of the people here simply because I'm a white dude living in a area that has a 94% hispanic populous, even despite the fact that I'm one-quarter hispanic myself! I have almost no opportunities for work, upward social advancement, even recreational activities. It's a stifling vice that's only served to sour my attitude and leave me in a near perpetual bad mood.
I think that this is why I miss Denton so much, why I miss my brother and sis-in-law so much, and especially why I miss Abby so much.
Down here I'd gotten so used to people telling me that I was stupid and would never amount to anything that...I sort of started to believe it.
Funny how trying times like these are the ones which rally make you realize the people who matter the most in your life.