Addendum (unlocked)
In regards to this post from a couple of days ago.
It was brought up in the comments that I am never specific about the abuse I suffered. I want to say why I am not.
Firstly, I don't want anyone else to have to live with the horror of what I have been through in their heads. Horror is absolutely the right word. The most I can say is that I endured sadistic, cruel, degrading and extremely painful sexual abuse from the age of 6 to the age of 8. Assorted other tidbits are rapes at 14, 21, 28; attempted rape at 12; assault by a cousin and a swim-teammate. I've been stalked, harassed, maltreated and generally used throughout my life, by non-family and family alike. No one else needs to know the details, that won't make it any more real or any less terrifying.
Secondly, retelling the abuse can be re-traumatizing. It was for me during the program at the sexual assault centre, which is why I started having flashbacks to abuse whenever I walked into my kitchen. I can barely sleep in my own bed because of what that reminds me of. I am not prepared to discuss my trauma with anyone outside of my psychiatrist. I am not prepared for even that much right now.
My psychiatrist is well aware of the condition of my home. He knows why it is this bad and understands why I can't start dealing with that until I stop having panic attacks from entering my kitchen, or attempting to clean up my living room. It's a huge, ugly tangled mess, but we are working on it - I'm under the care and treatment of a very compassionate, understanding doctor. He has told me that I have 2 priorities right now - my physical health (because I'm not eating much, if at all) and my insurance (which was terminated as of August 31). The death of my father (and now my grandfather, too), my abuse, my issues with my family - that is all coming up in waves and we'll deal with it when I'm not so far down the rabbit hole. It is not a lack of desire to get better, it is a lack of ability to get out of where I am right now. I am severely depressed (and honestly, if it doesn't get better, I'll be checking into a hospital) and barely able to do anything for myself right now. I'm exhausted, I'm weak and I'm not well physically to handle cleaning this house...and that is what I have to accept.
It was brought up in the comments that I am never specific about the abuse I suffered. I want to say why I am not.
Firstly, I don't want anyone else to have to live with the horror of what I have been through in their heads. Horror is absolutely the right word. The most I can say is that I endured sadistic, cruel, degrading and extremely painful sexual abuse from the age of 6 to the age of 8. Assorted other tidbits are rapes at 14, 21, 28; attempted rape at 12; assault by a cousin and a swim-teammate. I've been stalked, harassed, maltreated and generally used throughout my life, by non-family and family alike. No one else needs to know the details, that won't make it any more real or any less terrifying.
Secondly, retelling the abuse can be re-traumatizing. It was for me during the program at the sexual assault centre, which is why I started having flashbacks to abuse whenever I walked into my kitchen. I can barely sleep in my own bed because of what that reminds me of. I am not prepared to discuss my trauma with anyone outside of my psychiatrist. I am not prepared for even that much right now.
My psychiatrist is well aware of the condition of my home. He knows why it is this bad and understands why I can't start dealing with that until I stop having panic attacks from entering my kitchen, or attempting to clean up my living room. It's a huge, ugly tangled mess, but we are working on it - I'm under the care and treatment of a very compassionate, understanding doctor. He has told me that I have 2 priorities right now - my physical health (because I'm not eating much, if at all) and my insurance (which was terminated as of August 31). The death of my father (and now my grandfather, too), my abuse, my issues with my family - that is all coming up in waves and we'll deal with it when I'm not so far down the rabbit hole. It is not a lack of desire to get better, it is a lack of ability to get out of where I am right now. I am severely depressed (and honestly, if it doesn't get better, I'll be checking into a hospital) and barely able to do anything for myself right now. I'm exhausted, I'm weak and I'm not well physically to handle cleaning this house...and that is what I have to accept.