I am mentally ill (unlocked)

[serawench]

I am 31. I have been unable to work since March of 2008, when I had a breakdown at work. Since then, I've had to change doctors, when the first one treated me like an idiot, laughed at me, and generally was completely unprofessional. I've attended a program that was good when I was in it, but left me with no followup. When that ended in August of

Comments

some thoughts

[cityrah]

Ah, I meant to ask you about that- I overheard you reply "just.. working" to someone who asked you what you've been up to after your dad's memorial service.

I also observed the heavy emphasis on what a good father your dad was, and how much he loved all of his kids. I was wondering where you stood on this- if you agreed or not- and I suspected that it might not have been quite that way- at least not with *all* of his kids.

I am sorry you will never be able to confront your father on certain issues. I know I would feel a mixture of feelings in your situation- sad that I'll never have answers, guilty for being "selfish" and wanting the answers still, angry that I'm left hanging..
I think it would be good for all of us to learn how to let issues go without the need for closure, because really how often does "closure" really happen? Not often enough for me, that's for sure. I have a lot of resentment and anger because of things in my past I don't understand, or don't have answers for. I need to learn how to gain my own "closure", or move forward without it. I think this is what people mean when they suggest "letting it go" or "get over it". They lack the understanding of how deeply this impacts you. For some things, sure, "letting it go" is achievable. And lucky for them that they haven't had to endure something much harder.

You've always been open about your physical issues and mental diagnoses, but one thing I've noticed is that you are very non-specific. You simply say you were abused but I don't think you have ever talked details. Who abused you? In what way? How old were you, what were the circumstances, how many times did it happen, etc? I know these memories are painful to talk about and maybe embarrassing to share (even though they shouldn't be, it's not your fault), but maybe talking details and allowing yourself to tell your side of the story without risk of interruption will help. Further, you can take that opportunity to express your anger, sadness, anxieties, fear and tell about how a particular negative experience has impacted you.

What if you recounted one instance at a time? For example, tell us today about this one time that your dad left you in a parking lot when you were 10 years old (not that this happened, but just as an example)- but get into detail about why- what was said, and by whom; who else was there and what, if any, exchange did they engage in; how you felt after he left; and what happened afterwards (e.g. I had to take the bus home, dad was watching tv and didn't even say hi, so I just went to bed)

As for the dirty house, my best advice is to commit yourself to cleaning, say, 5 things a day. Or spending 10 minutes a day. Put on your fave song and clean for the entire song. For me, sometimes I just need to get up and start, then once I'm going, I get in the mode and will spend an hour. Sometimes it doesn't work and I just stop after 10 minutes or 5 things and it's ok.. I won't beat myself up over it anymore, because I know yesterday I did a great job and tomorrow I will probably end up doing more again.

Glad to hear from you though. I think about you often. Post more!

Re: some thoughts

[serawench]

First, the reason I don't get specific is two-fold. 1, I don't want anyone else to carry around the horror of what I live with - sadistic, cruel sexual abuse from ages 6-8; rape at 14; assault by a cousin; rape at 21 and 28; plus multiple other things - like stalking, harrassment and general maltreatment. 2, retelling the abuse can be re-traumazing if I am not prepared for it, and I most definitely am not prepared for it - which is why the program at the sexual assault centre was not the best choice for me.

Second, my psychiatrist is well aware of my issues with my house. I have panic reactions to entering my kitchen (which is because doing so sets off flashbacks to my abuse), I am also in a very, very deep clinical depression. Committing to any kind of "schedule" around this drives the stress, anxiety and panic up. It's a very tangled mess, but my psychiatrist is treating me and working through this with me as I'm ready to do so.

I appreciate your input, but I wanted to address this so that you can understand that it's not out of a lack of desire to get better, but I cannot work on things right now that will re-traumatize me or make matters worse. I've got to deal with my insurance cutting me off, the death of my father (and now my grandfather) and my physical health.