Crossposted Rant
From my DJ:
Alright, first, I don't want this to sound as aggressive as I'm afraid it will, but I have been pissed off. Again.
Alright, so yes, I will be having a birthday party...with a GUEST limit. Therefore, I can't invite everyone I want, yes? Well, one of these people who would have been on the list was Hoshi, but mom said she lived out of town and that it might not be a good idea to invite her. So I agreed. So, my list filled up with other people. I didn't KNOW that she could come into town on weekdayss.
So, I told Stephanie that Hoshi wasn't going to be invited, and explained my original reasons. Stephanie started to argue with me over contradicting reasons why Hoshi should be on the list, but I told her there was no more room, so she couldn't. Eventually, another reason deep down within surfaced - I'm fearful of getting the negative feeling from her aura again. I know she doesn't intend to give off the negative vibe, but I remember how horrible I felt when her aura shot it at me...I wanted to curl into a ball and cry because I felt loathed beyond all possible belief. Stephanie tried to explain that I haven't seen Hoshi since I discussed this, but I really don't want to experiment with whether or not she was able to change the vibe her aura shoots at me at my party. I would like to be happy without the worry of someone hating me. Stephanie began to get angry with me. When people get angry with me, I grow cold. Extremely cold. Even when I'm just angry, I get horribly cold. So, I was cold to Stephanie from then on out over what she said. I admit, I get damn stubborn when I'm mad, but she kept seeming to push for me to get Hoshi to go. I had already told her I couldn't. And then she brought up the incident where I got pissed at Hoshi for not inviting me to her birthday, which I didn't know about until the day of and thus didn't know it was open invitation. I don't check LJ anymore (yes, I am going to announce this NOW, because Stephanie decided to inform me that not everyone knows this. Well, here we go - if I crosspost or if I don't post on LJ, I am not checking the friends page. End of story. Happy now? Now everyone knows. I had figured it would be the easy assumption, but of course not), so I didn't see her post about it. As far as I could tell, it was by invitation. She decides to tell me that she knows people who work everyday and are still able to check LJ, and that she checks even though she doesn't post, etc etc. I don't handle stress well, and seeing a bunch of entries to go through sort of adds to my stressload with just regular school. I promptly told her that I am not one of these people who can do that, and she tells me that I can be heartless.
So yes, I am heartless when I am angry, simply because I just don't care at that point in time if I'm pissing someone off. I am pissed off, and therefore I am horribly aggressive and, like I said, cold. I had told her earlier on that I didn't want to argue, but she continued it ANYWAY....and when something is said that annoys me or provokes me, I have no other reaction but to respond. And I hate that. I didn't want the argument to escalate any further, but it did. And now I am frustrated and choked up with my anger. Something I didn't need. I was just getting good at being semi-stress free.
But yes, Hoshi, I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you, but I will not be inviting you to my party because of previous thoughts, previous lack of knowledge, and simple fear of your aura freaking on me...any other day and I would be fine...I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I make you mad, I don't mean to, but this is how it ended up. So, if you hate me for it or whatever, I'm sorry you feel that way...
And Stephanie, if you don't want to come anymore, that's your choice. If you don't even want me to send the invite, fine. But you must realize (and I would have thought you would have learned by now), I get horribly cold and vicious when angered, so yes, I am a heartless bitch when pissed and arguing. I wanted to avoid it, but somehow it was overlooked.
So. Now I want to go crawl in a corner and cry until I feel better, but I won't. It won't do any good besides make me look pitiful. And I really don't want that added on top of what I already resent about myself.
Ciao.
Alright, first, I don't want this to sound as aggressive as I'm afraid it will, but I have been pissed off. Again.
Alright, so yes, I will be having a birthday party...with a GUEST limit. Therefore, I can't invite everyone I want, yes? Well, one of these people who would have been on the list was Hoshi, but mom said she lived out of town and that it might not be a good idea to invite her. So I agreed. So, my list filled up with other people. I didn't KNOW that she could come into town on weekdayss.
So, I told Stephanie that Hoshi wasn't going to be invited, and explained my original reasons. Stephanie started to argue with me over contradicting reasons why Hoshi should be on the list, but I told her there was no more room, so she couldn't. Eventually, another reason deep down within surfaced - I'm fearful of getting the negative feeling from her aura again. I know she doesn't intend to give off the negative vibe, but I remember how horrible I felt when her aura shot it at me...I wanted to curl into a ball and cry because I felt loathed beyond all possible belief. Stephanie tried to explain that I haven't seen Hoshi since I discussed this, but I really don't want to experiment with whether or not she was able to change the vibe her aura shoots at me at my party. I would like to be happy without the worry of someone hating me. Stephanie began to get angry with me. When people get angry with me, I grow cold. Extremely cold. Even when I'm just angry, I get horribly cold. So, I was cold to Stephanie from then on out over what she said. I admit, I get damn stubborn when I'm mad, but she kept seeming to push for me to get Hoshi to go. I had already told her I couldn't. And then she brought up the incident where I got pissed at Hoshi for not inviting me to her birthday, which I didn't know about until the day of and thus didn't know it was open invitation. I don't check LJ anymore (yes, I am going to announce this NOW, because Stephanie decided to inform me that not everyone knows this. Well, here we go - if I crosspost or if I don't post on LJ, I am not checking the friends page. End of story. Happy now? Now everyone knows. I had figured it would be the easy assumption, but of course not), so I didn't see her post about it. As far as I could tell, it was by invitation. She decides to tell me that she knows people who work everyday and are still able to check LJ, and that she checks even though she doesn't post, etc etc. I don't handle stress well, and seeing a bunch of entries to go through sort of adds to my stressload with just regular school. I promptly told her that I am not one of these people who can do that, and she tells me that I can be heartless.
So yes, I am heartless when I am angry, simply because I just don't care at that point in time if I'm pissing someone off. I am pissed off, and therefore I am horribly aggressive and, like I said, cold. I had told her earlier on that I didn't want to argue, but she continued it ANYWAY....and when something is said that annoys me or provokes me, I have no other reaction but to respond. And I hate that. I didn't want the argument to escalate any further, but it did. And now I am frustrated and choked up with my anger. Something I didn't need. I was just getting good at being semi-stress free.
But yes, Hoshi, I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you, but I will not be inviting you to my party because of previous thoughts, previous lack of knowledge, and simple fear of your aura freaking on me...any other day and I would be fine...I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I make you mad, I don't mean to, but this is how it ended up. So, if you hate me for it or whatever, I'm sorry you feel that way...
And Stephanie, if you don't want to come anymore, that's your choice. If you don't even want me to send the invite, fine. But you must realize (and I would have thought you would have learned by now), I get horribly cold and vicious when angered, so yes, I am a heartless bitch when pissed and arguing. I wanted to avoid it, but somehow it was overlooked.
So. Now I want to go crawl in a corner and cry until I feel better, but I won't. It won't do any good besides make me look pitiful. And I really don't want that added on top of what I already resent about myself.
Ciao.