Girl!Dean Masterpost
End of Small Sanctuary
Castiel's eyes are brilliantine, weighty and cold. Dean is amazed that they can express so much whilst saying nothing at all. They are like the glass eyes of dolls and yet when Castiel looks at her Dean feels cherished. She hates that.
Innocent Moon
When Dean starts junior high, staying with Pastor Jim as her father rested up from some thing or other, she doesn't remember, Pastor Jim walks Sam from school and it means she can, for the first time in her life, stay after school.
Homecoming
Amelia Novak is a slap in the face. She’s everything Dean isn’t, including married to Castiel, well Jimmy, who looks but doesn't see, and she’s pretty and has soft hands, and wears just enough make up and Dean wants to hate her. She really does, but Amelia is just a victim, and she has nothing to do with this, but Dean really wants to punch her in the face.
Please love me ... Once more
Dean Winchester can talk the talk, and is pretty sure she could walk the walk if she ever got the opportunity, but boys don't make passes at girls who kick their asses. And then there’s Dad, and Sam, and Bobby, and Pastor Jim, and Caleb... It's hard to sneak off to see a boy when every man she knows is a hunter and perfectly capable of not only killing someone but hiding the body.
Prayer
Dean sits perfectly still as the tattooist graves the hebrew inscription on the base of her spine. She has her tee pulled up and tucked into her bra, flannel shirt on her knee, and low hipster jeans. It feels invigorating and nauseating all at the same time."
Heads No.2
Dean lilts from the bar, her hand on the wall, pretty sure that someone slipped something in her drink, and canny enough to want OUT, to want Sammy, Castiel, Dad, anyone, but that creep in the hat back at the bar. He had come on too strong, too much, and Dean had just wanted quiet, just for a minute, a beer and some time alone with her thoughts."
Last movie
Dean has what Sam refers to as a loser magnet. As a rule if there is a loser within a hundred yards he will seek her out like a guided missile. The same happens on hunts. Big bads go for Sam, not so big and not particularly bad creeps slaver all over her.
Downtime
Menstruation is God’s revenge on Eve for stealing the forbidden fruit, which she was canny enough not to eat. It’s five days of mess, pain, cravings and bad tempers every month. It’s five days of tampons and black panties and alien xenomorphs twisting in her belly and twenty six days of Sam making comments about it being that time of the month.
Love Psalm
When Sammy presses Dean tells him that Hell was a trip. Once when she was feeling particularly sour she tells him that it was like being on holiday with a bunch of Germans, gives him a wry smile and promptly changes the subject.
Ordinary Vanity
Dean rolls over into the bed and against Castiel, and she might be dreaming, she might not, it doesn't matter, because his legs are twined through hers and his arm if over her waist, his nose buried in her hair.
The Real Life
Dean has lived in the shadow of her baby brother for as long as she can remember. She can find him in a room by scent and it doesn't take stinky sports socks anymore. She knows which cheap aftershave he prefers, and has been known to steal his jeans, and tees, rolling them up at the ankles to accomodate her, because although she’s not short, he's a freaking sasquatch. If she could she’d steal his shoes too.
Moonchild
Castiel is patient, and the conversation awkward. Dean fusses with her cup of hot chocolate, napkins and doesn't want to meet his eyes. It’s a simple Mom and Pop diner and there’s a kid at another table extolling loudly the virtue of booberries with her pancakes. She looks like a little doll."
Battle Drums
Dean likes the sawn off shotgun because it has less recoil and doesn’t feel as much of a substitute penis as say the Magnum or the colt. She likes knives because it means she can see the whites of the creature’s eyes when she kills them, and they can see it's a girl doing it.
Dreams of Leaving
Dean tries to leave hunting when Sam leaves, when Dad leaves, because there is nothing else. It’s a simple hunt, a find the remains of a cremated ghost and salt and burn. She doesn’t quite have the strength on her own to dig out a grave and fill it in before dawn. So she burns dolls and hair and hatpins and gloves and whatever it is that the ghost is haunting.
Only you
As a teenager Dean pretty much lived out of one backpack, which held things like a tardis, and Bobby’s back bedroom. Dad didn’t even notice that Dean might need some space on her own, but Bobby puts it aside for her pretty much the first time they meet.
This sacred line
The first time Dean sleeps with Castiel, it’s almost accidental. She is angry at Sam, who whines almost constantly about the fact that she’s banging a heavenly whore, even though she’s not, and they haven’t even progressed to heavy petting. And then he sees Uriel and for some reason thinks that he’s Castiel because it's the first angel he sees."
Hole in the sky
Dean Winchester dreams of Hell. It is split into two distinct visions, one is of her at Alistair’s rack, knife quick and shining, in the other, she is alone in a subterranean cathedral that goes on for miles. She’s not sure which terrifies her more.
Wrong is Right
When Dean is six her father is called to the school about her behaviour, but John’s on a hunt and it falls on Pastor Jim to pretend. He comes in with Sammy in the pushchair because he’s too small to leave behind and he can’t find a sitter at such short notice. As the teacher, the excerable Miss Dorer, who an adult Dean can still rant about, at length, explains to him that Dean is one hair away from being expelled for biting her."
Mr Jones
Dean dances although she doesn't know the song. She has her arms above her head, rocking to the beat and the rhythm played on a cloud grey guitar. She dances because the music moves her. She dances because otherwise it will move her to tears.
Magdalene
Anna Milton is a dupe, Tokyo stuck between Mothra and Godzilla, and her heart is breaking, just like Dean’s.
Your Rain
At first the week Dean spends as psychic aged thirteen she attributes to the magic book that landed on her head and earned her seven stitches in her scalp and a mild skull fracture.
I want to know love is real.
Sometimes Castiel makes no sense to Dean. She can read his looks, the way he holds his hands, the slight purse of his lips but his words they are meaningless. They speak different languages with their voices.
Fraternity
Sam doesn’t like Castiel. Dean wonders if it’s an actual reaction, his demon blood reacting to it's natural enemy, or jealousy that someone else is close to his sister.
The Garden of Unearthly Delights
Dean couldn't tell you what Hell is. It's different for everyone, it changes constantly. It lurks around the edges of her vision, she can smell it faintly in the wind, taste it in the food she has no interest in. She has seen it in the faces of the people she talks to, a momentary variation of horror. She has heard it in the static on the radio, laughing at her, calling her home.
Turning States into the sea
Dean is alone when Castiel appears. She has done her best to drive Sam out by wandering around in panties and a wife beater. He didn't really need the excuse to go.
Holocaust
Dean copes. It’s what she does. It’s what she’s always done. There’ll be time soon enough to weep and wail and rant and rage, but for now, she copes. She wants to scream. She wants to throw up. Instead she makes do.
The Lotus eaters
The bed doesn't have magic fingers. It's the only thing that this missing from this picture. She has wine, costly wine, not the cheap shit she normally gets and doesn’t even feel guilty that she’s drinking $50 wine out of used maccy-d’s cup.
Amaranth
Dean's feet hurt. The shoes have ripped her raw and where they haven't there are blisters the size of golf balls. But she did it, and the look on Sam's face was almost worth the effort. Her ears are still ringing and if Castiel was not carrying her she's pretty sure she'd still be in the strip joint's green room.
Beauty Fiend
Dean is sat on the bed watching Oprah when the door goes and Sam lifts his pistol to check. The girl is bland, blonde and touchy feely. She introduces herself, in a rush, as Becky and that Chuck sent her. She can't get her hands off Sam but when she looks at Dean she looks genuinely disgusted, like something is stuck to her shoe and she can't get it off. "You're exactly as I imagined you," she tells Sam, "you're not what I expected." She tells Dean.
Our Elaborate plans
Five years into the future and it could be another universe. Dean's used to hunters living like thieves on the fringes but this is something else, this is surviving. It's an old holiday camp with shored up lean tos and army tents. They even have some of those plastic make do houses they used in places like Uganda. There are buildings but clearly not nearly enough and everywhere she looks people look tired and dirty, though water is clearly in abundance. On three sides the camp is surrounded by water.
Opposite View
Dean isn't really surprised that her future self finds her inexpendable. That she finds herself at the edge of the water with a big tub washing laundry, that surprises her. When her future self comes along to sit with her bare feet in the water, her hands, branded with pentacles, protectively over her stomach and knitting needles stuck through the knot in her hair, that surprises her.
Lie to me
Dean is driving, Sam snoring in the back seat and the radio playing rock ballads to make the brain melt into nacho cheese. She doesn't even blink when Cas appears in the passenger seat, just flicks her eyes over disapprovingly so that he does his seat belt up. Accidents aren't a laughing matter and even if he's not going to get hurt her baby certainly will by a large man slamming into her windscreen.
Dance in the Dark
The dress is ruined and she'd been proud of it. Fabric dye and embellishments on an old good will dress and Patrick wanted to go with her. Even though it's not that late the skirt is beyond repair, four slashes across the stomacher and the skirt is just rags. One of the sleeves was used to start the fire.
Crashing Down
Dean wants to reach out, to touch him. She can see Castiel break, she can see him at that exact moment where he shatters and his faith is undone, his back to her, his sentence left unfinished, left open as he obviously wants to scream obscenities at the door jamb of their crappy motel room. Her blood is still spattered here and there on the wall paper, caught in her hair no matter how many times she washed it.
Apocalypso
Dean pulls the Impala into the old Lawrence graveyard with a blast of "Rock of Ages", she's tired but this is it, the end. Her two brothers, an idea still so new to her as to make her throat ache, two brothers, TWO, are standing facing each other but it's not them, not any more. It's two other brothers that have nothing to do with her.
Sunburn
Dean kneels on the soil, there is a pad she knows she should use, but she likes the feel of the ground and grass under her skin. The day is proving warm and she is glad that she wore her shorts, her favourite hunting jeans with the legs hacked away. She is wearing gloves because the nettles sting, even if they do make the tea that settles her stomach when the night comes. This house, small as it is, is hers, this vegetable patch, is hers. After a lifetime of killing things she has learned the simple pleasure of making things live.
Change (In the House of Flies)
When Cas appears she doesn't look at him. In fact she doesn't even turn around to look in his direction. She stands at the bedroom mirror exactly as she was but she acknowledges him with a tightness in her shoulders, a stiffness that wasn't there before.
Castiel's eyes are brilliantine, weighty and cold. Dean is amazed that they can express so much whilst saying nothing at all. They are like the glass eyes of dolls and yet when Castiel looks at her Dean feels cherished. She hates that.
Innocent Moon
When Dean starts junior high, staying with Pastor Jim as her father rested up from some thing or other, she doesn't remember, Pastor Jim walks Sam from school and it means she can, for the first time in her life, stay after school.
Homecoming
Amelia Novak is a slap in the face. She’s everything Dean isn’t, including married to Castiel, well Jimmy, who looks but doesn't see, and she’s pretty and has soft hands, and wears just enough make up and Dean wants to hate her. She really does, but Amelia is just a victim, and she has nothing to do with this, but Dean really wants to punch her in the face.
Please love me ... Once more
Dean Winchester can talk the talk, and is pretty sure she could walk the walk if she ever got the opportunity, but boys don't make passes at girls who kick their asses. And then there’s Dad, and Sam, and Bobby, and Pastor Jim, and Caleb... It's hard to sneak off to see a boy when every man she knows is a hunter and perfectly capable of not only killing someone but hiding the body.
Prayer
Dean sits perfectly still as the tattooist graves the hebrew inscription on the base of her spine. She has her tee pulled up and tucked into her bra, flannel shirt on her knee, and low hipster jeans. It feels invigorating and nauseating all at the same time."
Heads No.2
Dean lilts from the bar, her hand on the wall, pretty sure that someone slipped something in her drink, and canny enough to want OUT, to want Sammy, Castiel, Dad, anyone, but that creep in the hat back at the bar. He had come on too strong, too much, and Dean had just wanted quiet, just for a minute, a beer and some time alone with her thoughts."
Last movie
Dean has what Sam refers to as a loser magnet. As a rule if there is a loser within a hundred yards he will seek her out like a guided missile. The same happens on hunts. Big bads go for Sam, not so big and not particularly bad creeps slaver all over her.
Downtime
Menstruation is God’s revenge on Eve for stealing the forbidden fruit, which she was canny enough not to eat. It’s five days of mess, pain, cravings and bad tempers every month. It’s five days of tampons and black panties and alien xenomorphs twisting in her belly and twenty six days of Sam making comments about it being that time of the month.
Love Psalm
When Sammy presses Dean tells him that Hell was a trip. Once when she was feeling particularly sour she tells him that it was like being on holiday with a bunch of Germans, gives him a wry smile and promptly changes the subject.
Ordinary Vanity
Dean rolls over into the bed and against Castiel, and she might be dreaming, she might not, it doesn't matter, because his legs are twined through hers and his arm if over her waist, his nose buried in her hair.
The Real Life
Dean has lived in the shadow of her baby brother for as long as she can remember. She can find him in a room by scent and it doesn't take stinky sports socks anymore. She knows which cheap aftershave he prefers, and has been known to steal his jeans, and tees, rolling them up at the ankles to accomodate her, because although she’s not short, he's a freaking sasquatch. If she could she’d steal his shoes too.
Moonchild
Castiel is patient, and the conversation awkward. Dean fusses with her cup of hot chocolate, napkins and doesn't want to meet his eyes. It’s a simple Mom and Pop diner and there’s a kid at another table extolling loudly the virtue of booberries with her pancakes. She looks like a little doll."
Battle Drums
Dean likes the sawn off shotgun because it has less recoil and doesn’t feel as much of a substitute penis as say the Magnum or the colt. She likes knives because it means she can see the whites of the creature’s eyes when she kills them, and they can see it's a girl doing it.
Dreams of Leaving
Dean tries to leave hunting when Sam leaves, when Dad leaves, because there is nothing else. It’s a simple hunt, a find the remains of a cremated ghost and salt and burn. She doesn’t quite have the strength on her own to dig out a grave and fill it in before dawn. So she burns dolls and hair and hatpins and gloves and whatever it is that the ghost is haunting.
Only you
As a teenager Dean pretty much lived out of one backpack, which held things like a tardis, and Bobby’s back bedroom. Dad didn’t even notice that Dean might need some space on her own, but Bobby puts it aside for her pretty much the first time they meet.
This sacred line
The first time Dean sleeps with Castiel, it’s almost accidental. She is angry at Sam, who whines almost constantly about the fact that she’s banging a heavenly whore, even though she’s not, and they haven’t even progressed to heavy petting. And then he sees Uriel and for some reason thinks that he’s Castiel because it's the first angel he sees."
Hole in the sky
Dean Winchester dreams of Hell. It is split into two distinct visions, one is of her at Alistair’s rack, knife quick and shining, in the other, she is alone in a subterranean cathedral that goes on for miles. She’s not sure which terrifies her more.
Wrong is Right
When Dean is six her father is called to the school about her behaviour, but John’s on a hunt and it falls on Pastor Jim to pretend. He comes in with Sammy in the pushchair because he’s too small to leave behind and he can’t find a sitter at such short notice. As the teacher, the excerable Miss Dorer, who an adult Dean can still rant about, at length, explains to him that Dean is one hair away from being expelled for biting her."
Mr Jones
Dean dances although she doesn't know the song. She has her arms above her head, rocking to the beat and the rhythm played on a cloud grey guitar. She dances because the music moves her. She dances because otherwise it will move her to tears.
Magdalene
Anna Milton is a dupe, Tokyo stuck between Mothra and Godzilla, and her heart is breaking, just like Dean’s.
Your Rain
At first the week Dean spends as psychic aged thirteen she attributes to the magic book that landed on her head and earned her seven stitches in her scalp and a mild skull fracture.
I want to know love is real.
Sometimes Castiel makes no sense to Dean. She can read his looks, the way he holds his hands, the slight purse of his lips but his words they are meaningless. They speak different languages with their voices.
Fraternity
Sam doesn’t like Castiel. Dean wonders if it’s an actual reaction, his demon blood reacting to it's natural enemy, or jealousy that someone else is close to his sister.
The Garden of Unearthly Delights
Dean couldn't tell you what Hell is. It's different for everyone, it changes constantly. It lurks around the edges of her vision, she can smell it faintly in the wind, taste it in the food she has no interest in. She has seen it in the faces of the people she talks to, a momentary variation of horror. She has heard it in the static on the radio, laughing at her, calling her home.
Turning States into the sea
Dean is alone when Castiel appears. She has done her best to drive Sam out by wandering around in panties and a wife beater. He didn't really need the excuse to go.
Holocaust
Dean copes. It’s what she does. It’s what she’s always done. There’ll be time soon enough to weep and wail and rant and rage, but for now, she copes. She wants to scream. She wants to throw up. Instead she makes do.
The Lotus eaters
The bed doesn't have magic fingers. It's the only thing that this missing from this picture. She has wine, costly wine, not the cheap shit she normally gets and doesn’t even feel guilty that she’s drinking $50 wine out of used maccy-d’s cup.
Amaranth
Dean's feet hurt. The shoes have ripped her raw and where they haven't there are blisters the size of golf balls. But she did it, and the look on Sam's face was almost worth the effort. Her ears are still ringing and if Castiel was not carrying her she's pretty sure she'd still be in the strip joint's green room.
Beauty Fiend
Dean is sat on the bed watching Oprah when the door goes and Sam lifts his pistol to check. The girl is bland, blonde and touchy feely. She introduces herself, in a rush, as Becky and that Chuck sent her. She can't get her hands off Sam but when she looks at Dean she looks genuinely disgusted, like something is stuck to her shoe and she can't get it off. "You're exactly as I imagined you," she tells Sam, "you're not what I expected." She tells Dean.
Our Elaborate plans
Five years into the future and it could be another universe. Dean's used to hunters living like thieves on the fringes but this is something else, this is surviving. It's an old holiday camp with shored up lean tos and army tents. They even have some of those plastic make do houses they used in places like Uganda. There are buildings but clearly not nearly enough and everywhere she looks people look tired and dirty, though water is clearly in abundance. On three sides the camp is surrounded by water.
Opposite View
Dean isn't really surprised that her future self finds her inexpendable. That she finds herself at the edge of the water with a big tub washing laundry, that surprises her. When her future self comes along to sit with her bare feet in the water, her hands, branded with pentacles, protectively over her stomach and knitting needles stuck through the knot in her hair, that surprises her.
Lie to me
Dean is driving, Sam snoring in the back seat and the radio playing rock ballads to make the brain melt into nacho cheese. She doesn't even blink when Cas appears in the passenger seat, just flicks her eyes over disapprovingly so that he does his seat belt up. Accidents aren't a laughing matter and even if he's not going to get hurt her baby certainly will by a large man slamming into her windscreen.
Dance in the Dark
The dress is ruined and she'd been proud of it. Fabric dye and embellishments on an old good will dress and Patrick wanted to go with her. Even though it's not that late the skirt is beyond repair, four slashes across the stomacher and the skirt is just rags. One of the sleeves was used to start the fire.
Crashing Down
Dean wants to reach out, to touch him. She can see Castiel break, she can see him at that exact moment where he shatters and his faith is undone, his back to her, his sentence left unfinished, left open as he obviously wants to scream obscenities at the door jamb of their crappy motel room. Her blood is still spattered here and there on the wall paper, caught in her hair no matter how many times she washed it.
Apocalypso
Dean pulls the Impala into the old Lawrence graveyard with a blast of "Rock of Ages", she's tired but this is it, the end. Her two brothers, an idea still so new to her as to make her throat ache, two brothers, TWO, are standing facing each other but it's not them, not any more. It's two other brothers that have nothing to do with her.
Sunburn
Dean kneels on the soil, there is a pad she knows she should use, but she likes the feel of the ground and grass under her skin. The day is proving warm and she is glad that she wore her shorts, her favourite hunting jeans with the legs hacked away. She is wearing gloves because the nettles sting, even if they do make the tea that settles her stomach when the night comes. This house, small as it is, is hers, this vegetable patch, is hers. After a lifetime of killing things she has learned the simple pleasure of making things live.
Change (In the House of Flies)
When Cas appears she doesn't look at him. In fact she doesn't even turn around to look in his direction. She stands at the bedroom mirror exactly as she was but she acknowledges him with a tightness in her shoulders, a stiffness that wasn't there before.