Beerfriend.
I'm in California for Lucas' birthday this weekend. Ohmygodbeers. He works at BevMo now, and knows more about booze than I ever did because he isn't constricted by a price point or desperation like I was, and because he has nothing better to do than bring home discounted things from work anyway.
So I'm in an awkward fucking position poly-wise. Still being referred to as Adam's secondary even though he never asked me if I wanted this and I gave some drunk acknowledgement/acceptance of that but given how drunk I was it probably shouldn't count, and while sober I also said I have no romantic feelings for him. but IDK, he's still touting me about as his "this is why I'm poly" example and saying I have a role that's comparable to his girlfriend's and IT IS SO DAMN AWKWARD to be in this place even though the thing itself is naturally complex and nuanced even if lacking romance on my part. Just... labels! Meanwhile, I missed a double date as Ben's date (since we're doing things again) with him and his primary and his primary's lover... I want so bad to be involved in other people's poly, but scheduling ... yeah, that's all the cliches, isn't it? Goddamnit I want to know other poly people, personally, who deal with all this, but all of my friend are way less experienced than me, and anyone I meet who isn't a poly newbie is way more... married. Yeah.
BEER. He spent all of his paycheck on beer for me to drink, and thus I have been drinking it, and he took me out to a microbrewery (today) and there were three standout beers, and the rest were bleh or sucked, and before that (yesterday) he took me to a beer tasting at BevMo where there were at least eleven different beers and then some wines (goddamn that was exhausting and not many of them were that interesting!) and I have only had two of the beers he's bought for me and there are at least three more and then there are bars to go to, christ. Beer is tiring, you can't really take too much of it like you can hard liquor, because it fills you up and makes you tired.
So, dealing with this awkward poly sitch I decided to really make the most of the mindset and messaged Adam, since he's saying I'm the poly partner who can stand all his intellectual fancies and eldritch horrors and trippy music videos (fffff partner wtf) responding that now I have one guy for wine (since Adam took me on the wine tour) and one guy for beer (since Lucas is beering me to exhaustion). Not that I never drank beer with Adam.(we used to review beer together) but he was a "beer peer" and then became my "winefriend" and now Lucas is my "beerfriend" equivalently, which I noted is closer to "boyfriend." hahahaha so witty this still feels awkward and forced let's roll with it.
I really missed Lucas. I can go out, I can cuddle, I can go for drives, I can eat meals with people, I can get drunk, I can have sex, I can sit in the same room and ignore the other person, but all of these things pale in comparison to doing any of these things with Lucas. I feel a little pathetic for it. It used to be more fun to mess around with people in various ways, but the contrast between doing these things (and more and everything) with love, with being in love is so drastic... Of course, I loved Kiara better than anyone ever, and I've never felt as much a draw or abstract fondness for anyone as I do/did for her; I feel she makes the world better just by existing, even if I can never possess her, and it's an ache to not even know how to be her friend now... but thinking of struggling through dating some other girl or guy without having that love just sounds like a drag. I don't understand dating, trying people on without knowing them fondly already... but with her it was instant attraction, like I've never had before, on a conceptual level as much as physical, and it was mutual. I am truly horrified that I might never feel that again. I want to love someone else so badly. Loving feels so good, and is so important. I am starved in my gluttony. One of the things I have noticed as a common pattern with staunchly (defensively) monogamous people is that they feel it is very challenging to gain any kind of intimacy with anyone. I never have trouble gaining intimacy, it's just getting the specific kind I want at a given moment. It's a bit privileged.
As much as I resent my mother, there are two things she's always supported me on that are gigantic: my intellectual pursuits and my relationships. She supported my older brother far less in his choice of major (Chicano/a studies, but with a minor in digital media). And she's -repeatedly- flown me across the country to chase my heart since i was twelve, and has let me adopt whoever I want to as a live-in (repeatedly) for better or worse and plurally. Incidentally, my most confident identities are as a writer and a lover. But not as a student or a worker. Those are just things I do to get to the writing and the loving. Obstacles. It's curious how one can be influenced in their upbringing in probably unintentional ways. She used to use my grades as markers of whether or not I could go on my rendezvous'. My little sister, on the other hand, seems to find working hard at school as a reward in and of itself. Something I wish I could adapt.
Maybe it's too late for me.
WANTED: Cat family vacation.
I watched The Lion King musical last week. It was amazing. The costumes were mechanical and colorful. I never liked The Lion King film all that much, even as a child, but I knew that it's considered to be Disney's best musical, and it definitely was astounding visually and vocally. Much better than the daily showing of Aladdin I saw at Disneyland last time I went.
OK, time to get ready. Been reading Screwjack (HST) and Speed (Burroughs). Going out to fancy Italian dinner now. woo.
So I'm in an awkward fucking position poly-wise. Still being referred to as Adam's secondary even though he never asked me if I wanted this and I gave some drunk acknowledgement/acceptance of that but given how drunk I was it probably shouldn't count, and while sober I also said I have no romantic feelings for him. but IDK, he's still touting me about as his "this is why I'm poly" example and saying I have a role that's comparable to his girlfriend's and IT IS SO DAMN AWKWARD to be in this place even though the thing itself is naturally complex and nuanced even if lacking romance on my part. Just... labels! Meanwhile, I missed a double date as Ben's date (since we're doing things again) with him and his primary and his primary's lover... I want so bad to be involved in other people's poly, but scheduling ... yeah, that's all the cliches, isn't it? Goddamnit I want to know other poly people, personally, who deal with all this, but all of my friend are way less experienced than me, and anyone I meet who isn't a poly newbie is way more... married. Yeah.
BEER. He spent all of his paycheck on beer for me to drink, and thus I have been drinking it, and he took me out to a microbrewery (today) and there were three standout beers, and the rest were bleh or sucked, and before that (yesterday) he took me to a beer tasting at BevMo where there were at least eleven different beers and then some wines (goddamn that was exhausting and not many of them were that interesting!) and I have only had two of the beers he's bought for me and there are at least three more and then there are bars to go to, christ. Beer is tiring, you can't really take too much of it like you can hard liquor, because it fills you up and makes you tired.
So, dealing with this awkward poly sitch I decided to really make the most of the mindset and messaged Adam, since he's saying I'm the poly partner who can stand all his intellectual fancies and eldritch horrors and trippy music videos (fffff partner wtf) responding that now I have one guy for wine (since Adam took me on the wine tour) and one guy for beer (since Lucas is beering me to exhaustion). Not that I never drank beer with Adam.(we used to review beer together) but he was a "beer peer" and then became my "winefriend" and now Lucas is my "beerfriend" equivalently, which I noted is closer to "boyfriend." hahahaha so witty this still feels awkward and forced let's roll with it.
I really missed Lucas. I can go out, I can cuddle, I can go for drives, I can eat meals with people, I can get drunk, I can have sex, I can sit in the same room and ignore the other person, but all of these things pale in comparison to doing any of these things with Lucas. I feel a little pathetic for it. It used to be more fun to mess around with people in various ways, but the contrast between doing these things (and more and everything) with love, with being in love is so drastic... Of course, I loved Kiara better than anyone ever, and I've never felt as much a draw or abstract fondness for anyone as I do/did for her; I feel she makes the world better just by existing, even if I can never possess her, and it's an ache to not even know how to be her friend now... but thinking of struggling through dating some other girl or guy without having that love just sounds like a drag. I don't understand dating, trying people on without knowing them fondly already... but with her it was instant attraction, like I've never had before, on a conceptual level as much as physical, and it was mutual. I am truly horrified that I might never feel that again. I want to love someone else so badly. Loving feels so good, and is so important. I am starved in my gluttony. One of the things I have noticed as a common pattern with staunchly (defensively) monogamous people is that they feel it is very challenging to gain any kind of intimacy with anyone. I never have trouble gaining intimacy, it's just getting the specific kind I want at a given moment. It's a bit privileged.
As much as I resent my mother, there are two things she's always supported me on that are gigantic: my intellectual pursuits and my relationships. She supported my older brother far less in his choice of major (Chicano/a studies, but with a minor in digital media). And she's -repeatedly- flown me across the country to chase my heart since i was twelve, and has let me adopt whoever I want to as a live-in (repeatedly) for better or worse and plurally. Incidentally, my most confident identities are as a writer and a lover. But not as a student or a worker. Those are just things I do to get to the writing and the loving. Obstacles. It's curious how one can be influenced in their upbringing in probably unintentional ways. She used to use my grades as markers of whether or not I could go on my rendezvous'. My little sister, on the other hand, seems to find working hard at school as a reward in and of itself. Something I wish I could adapt.
Maybe it's too late for me.
WANTED: Cat family vacation.
I watched The Lion King musical last week. It was amazing. The costumes were mechanical and colorful. I never liked The Lion King film all that much, even as a child, but I knew that it's considered to be Disney's best musical, and it definitely was astounding visually and vocally. Much better than the daily showing of Aladdin I saw at Disneyland last time I went.
OK, time to get ready. Been reading Screwjack (HST) and Speed (Burroughs). Going out to fancy Italian dinner now. woo.