Annus Horibillis
It was always in the cards, wasn't it? After an 18-year respite, fate seems to be beginning to place all the shit it had planned for me on my lap cumulatively, each one more grave then the last. I do not want to verbalise each and every problem. After one problem comes and I do what I can to deal with it, I begin to think that the worst is over. That I just have to suck it up, make the best of it and move on. Then another thing comes. Repeat ad nauseam. At first it felt like a sudden jab in the face. I reeled back and tried to stand up. Then the jabs come again. And again. Today, it was almost one jab too many.
After the latest problem came hurtling at me, my mind just went a bit blank. I walked around, and some of my deepest, most profound fears began to surface. I mechanically did the stuff I had to do, then I slumped on a chair staring vaguely into air. I cancelled my forecoming appointments because it just felt... incongruent to enjoy myself at this juncture. I knew I need to suck it up. To do my best and ride the storm. I still intend to do that... but it seems to get harder every time. I especially fear the lulls and the nights, where there is nothing before me but my thoughts, and where the problems and my fears would inevitably surface, refusing to let me take refuge from them.
I know that, at some point in my life, I have to step up. Now may be the time. My wish is simple - that I ride through this without anyone I love being scarred. If I come out of this stronger, it would be an exceedingly precious bonus. To those who care, thank you, that means more then you know. Please, wish me luck.
And Shirin: Thank you. So so much.
After the latest problem came hurtling at me, my mind just went a bit blank. I walked around, and some of my deepest, most profound fears began to surface. I mechanically did the stuff I had to do, then I slumped on a chair staring vaguely into air. I cancelled my forecoming appointments because it just felt... incongruent to enjoy myself at this juncture. I knew I need to suck it up. To do my best and ride the storm. I still intend to do that... but it seems to get harder every time. I especially fear the lulls and the nights, where there is nothing before me but my thoughts, and where the problems and my fears would inevitably surface, refusing to let me take refuge from them.
I know that, at some point in my life, I have to step up. Now may be the time. My wish is simple - that I ride through this without anyone I love being scarred. If I come out of this stronger, it would be an exceedingly precious bonus. To those who care, thank you, that means more then you know. Please, wish me luck.
And Shirin: Thank you. So so much.