Thorn in my side
Don't you hate it when you realise you still have issues . Especially issues you thought you where over. I thought it was out with the old, in with the new. Curing my daddy issues and moving on to romantic issues.
Tonight i was out at a movie. Now, i'm one of those people that talks during movies but usually i pride myself on not being one of those obnoxious people that talks too loudly. I pride myself on not being heard generally. However half an hour into this movie the guy behind us leans forward pressing on the top on my head rest and quietly asks me 'can you please stop talking now'. I sunk down into my seat and promptly shut up but there was something else too. It was like i could feel the pressure of the head rest on my head even though his hand was long gone and i could feel him sitting behind me and i was angry but i wasn't angry at him and i felt completely done with the movie. I felt like 'i don't feel like seeing this movie anymore tonight, i will watch it another night when i feel like it' and it was a very dry kind of rebellious feeling. More then anything else though i felt as if i didn't want to be there anymore and this feeling covered me and filed my heart there and eventually i couldn't stand it anymore and left.
I walked very slowly to the far toilets and tried to figure out why i was so angry. The guy hadn't told me to be quiet in a condescending way, or a bitchy way, he didn't even use a reprimanding tone. He had asking me in a very soft polite way. So i wasn't angry at him. So i wondered if i was angry at myself. I had been mouthing off one of the toolbaggy characters repeatedly since the movie had begun and my friend and me had been making light banter equating one of the characters deep hardships to my friend going to work. What if the movie this book was based on was this mans favourite book. What if i had been ruining it for him? But after some thinking i decided that while i was messing around a bit for the most part it had all been in good fun and i really didn't think i'd been talking that loudly. Then i thought on his tone again and that's when i realised why i'd had such a violent and negative reaction to his perfectly reasonable request.
My dad used to do the same thing to me all the time. Me and my brother would be watching a tv show or playing a game having fun and chatting loudly or commenting loudly on something we'd be watching and my dad would tell us to be quiet. It went beyond that. Long story short: for a long time...3 years i felt like i couldn't speak to my dad. That i shouldn't say a word against him or do anything wrong because he was a good dad and if i did anything wrong i was being a bad daughter and a bad person. This escalated to the stage where i felt like even the softest of his reprimands were suffocating and so much of the time he would say them just like that man behind me. 'Guys you're not the only ones trying to watch this movie, keep it down' felt like 'can't you see that me and my girlfriend are trying to watch this, now would you be quiet, stop having fun because it's impeaching on my enjoyment' and i'd get stiff as a board and stop enjoying whatever we where watching cause god forbid we should impeach on his happiness.
When i realised this i felt even more hurt and angry because i'd thought i'd grown out of such childish knee-jerk reactions. I didn't want to go back into the cinema because i didn't want to sit in front of that man (even though as i said before i really had no beef with him, i found his request quite fair), but i didn't want to sit down the front and away from my friends because i knew they would come down to me and ask what was wrong and not only did i not want to tell them i didn't want to ruin the movie for them. However i knew if i stayed away too long they would come looking for me and the same thing would happen. So i watched the movie from the entrance of the cinema for a while (because i was actually really enjoying the movie, it wasn't the movies fault this shit was going down) and then returned to my seat. I felt mad and every time i wanted to talk i felt that angry rebellious feeling well up in my stomach because i was 'being silenced and i swore i wouldn't be silenced anymore'. Then my phone rang. I'd forgotten to turn it off and i tried to silence it but it rang out before i could turn it off. And then i felt worse. I cried and hoped that none of my friends would notice. Thankfully they didn't because i am so very ashamed of this ridiculous reaction. I'm 23 not 14.
Tonight i was out at a movie. Now, i'm one of those people that talks during movies but usually i pride myself on not being one of those obnoxious people that talks too loudly. I pride myself on not being heard generally. However half an hour into this movie the guy behind us leans forward pressing on the top on my head rest and quietly asks me 'can you please stop talking now'. I sunk down into my seat and promptly shut up but there was something else too. It was like i could feel the pressure of the head rest on my head even though his hand was long gone and i could feel him sitting behind me and i was angry but i wasn't angry at him and i felt completely done with the movie. I felt like 'i don't feel like seeing this movie anymore tonight, i will watch it another night when i feel like it' and it was a very dry kind of rebellious feeling. More then anything else though i felt as if i didn't want to be there anymore and this feeling covered me and filed my heart there and eventually i couldn't stand it anymore and left.
I walked very slowly to the far toilets and tried to figure out why i was so angry. The guy hadn't told me to be quiet in a condescending way, or a bitchy way, he didn't even use a reprimanding tone. He had asking me in a very soft polite way. So i wasn't angry at him. So i wondered if i was angry at myself. I had been mouthing off one of the toolbaggy characters repeatedly since the movie had begun and my friend and me had been making light banter equating one of the characters deep hardships to my friend going to work. What if the movie this book was based on was this mans favourite book. What if i had been ruining it for him? But after some thinking i decided that while i was messing around a bit for the most part it had all been in good fun and i really didn't think i'd been talking that loudly. Then i thought on his tone again and that's when i realised why i'd had such a violent and negative reaction to his perfectly reasonable request.
My dad used to do the same thing to me all the time. Me and my brother would be watching a tv show or playing a game having fun and chatting loudly or commenting loudly on something we'd be watching and my dad would tell us to be quiet. It went beyond that. Long story short: for a long time...3 years i felt like i couldn't speak to my dad. That i shouldn't say a word against him or do anything wrong because he was a good dad and if i did anything wrong i was being a bad daughter and a bad person. This escalated to the stage where i felt like even the softest of his reprimands were suffocating and so much of the time he would say them just like that man behind me. 'Guys you're not the only ones trying to watch this movie, keep it down' felt like 'can't you see that me and my girlfriend are trying to watch this, now would you be quiet, stop having fun because it's impeaching on my enjoyment' and i'd get stiff as a board and stop enjoying whatever we where watching cause god forbid we should impeach on his happiness.
When i realised this i felt even more hurt and angry because i'd thought i'd grown out of such childish knee-jerk reactions. I didn't want to go back into the cinema because i didn't want to sit in front of that man (even though as i said before i really had no beef with him, i found his request quite fair), but i didn't want to sit down the front and away from my friends because i knew they would come down to me and ask what was wrong and not only did i not want to tell them i didn't want to ruin the movie for them. However i knew if i stayed away too long they would come looking for me and the same thing would happen. So i watched the movie from the entrance of the cinema for a while (because i was actually really enjoying the movie, it wasn't the movies fault this shit was going down) and then returned to my seat. I felt mad and every time i wanted to talk i felt that angry rebellious feeling well up in my stomach because i was 'being silenced and i swore i wouldn't be silenced anymore'. Then my phone rang. I'd forgotten to turn it off and i tried to silence it but it rang out before i could turn it off. And then i felt worse. I cried and hoped that none of my friends would notice. Thankfully they didn't because i am so very ashamed of this ridiculous reaction. I'm 23 not 14.