SG-1 - Captivity (part six)
Header in part one.
Title: Captivity
Author: serafine
Rated: Teen
Summary: Carter falls behind on a mission.
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate or any of these canon characters. No copyright infringement intended. No foul, no profit, no sue.
Previous bits:
Part one
Part two
Part three
Part four
Part five
* * * * * * *
Day Eleven
Early Morning
Cheyenne Mountain
Jack sat at his desk and looked at the report from Dr. Brightman again. It had been waiting for him on his desk. Carter had suffered under Morrigan’s hands - her clothing told a vivid and horrifying tale. God only knew what she went through. He did not want to do this debrief. He didn’t want to make her live it all over again.
All night, he had tossed and turned, unable to find rest. Carter’s eyes kept appearing in front of him. Something about them looked different, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.
He headed down to the infirmary. Dr. Brightman’s office door was open and he stuck his head in. “Have any news on Carter for me, Doc?”
“I do, General. Please come in.” Jack did not like the look on her face.
“There was an incident during the night. Colonel Carter apparently started screaming in her sleep. Dr. Jackson was in the room with her and attempted to wake her from the nightmare. She reacted violently and there was an altercation. The nurses managed to get her calmed down, but I did not want a repeat performance, so I gave her something to help her rest. Last time I checked, she was still asleep, as was Dr. Jackson.”
“Did she hurt anyone?” Jack watched Dr. Brightman’s expression shift and knew Carter had struck at least one person.
“Nothing serious. As far as I could tell, she was reacting instinctively to being restrained. Once she was fully conscious, she calmed down immediately.” Nightmares - no surprise there.
“I feel my report is mostly complete, but Colonel Carter was reluctant to speak to me about her ordeal. I hope you will have better luck.”
“Thanks. I’ll go look in on her, if you don’t mind.”
Brightman nodded. “Of course, sir.”
Jack parted the curtains and found Daniel camped out in a chair in the corner of the room, reading. Once he looked up, Jack could see the beginnings of bruises across the edge of his left cheekbone and jaw. There was a small butterfly bandage over a cut on his brow. With a glance at Carter, Jack motioned for him to step outside.
Out in the hallway, Jack whistled, seeing Daniel’s face up close. “What’d she hit you with?
He sighed, looking slightly sheepish. “A metal tray. She’s been out ever since then, but I didn’t want her to wake up alone.” Daniel looked down at his watch. “Teal’c’s supposed to be showing up to relieve me in about thirty minutes.”
Jack nodded. SG-1 standard operating procedure. “Did she say anything?”
“Not much that I recall. I was asleep when she started yelling.” Daniel shrugged. “Most of the lights were out and she clocked me as soon as I put my hand on her arm.”
“Go grab some breakfast - I’ll sit with her for a while.” It was the least he could do for her.
“Thanks.”
Walking back inside, Jack stopped at Carter’s bedside. Her breathing was deep and even. He looked at her carefully. There were bruises and bandages scattered across both arms and peeking out from underneath her neckline. He could see the outlines of her collarbones though the gown. There was a large swath of fresh tape across the inside of her left elbow and deep purple bruising coloring the surrounding area. She’d pulled her IV out during her nightmare. Ouch.
Scrapes and bruises marred the skin across both cheekbones and her bottom lip was puffy and split in several places. Her cheeks looked pale and hollow and there were dark circles beneath her eyes. Leaning in, he could see a definite lump in the edge of her hairline. Purple bruises in the clear shape of a large hand circled around the sides of her neck.
You won’t go through this alone, Carter, I swear. Jack finally settled into the chair in the corner, enjoying her presence despite the circumstances. It had been awhile since he was able to watch her sleep.
Teal’c’s burly shoulders parted the curtain right on time. Looking at Jack, Teal’c stepped back and came in with another chair. He nodded with the smallest smile and settled in beside Jack. They sat in silent camaraderie waiting for Carter to wake up.
* * * *
The first thing Sam heard was the steady beep of the heart monitor. Her eyes, fluttered open, and she saw the General and Teal’c sitting by her bedside.
“Good afternoon, Carter.”
“Sir.” It came out as a croak.
“How are you feeling, Colonel Carter?”
“I’ve been better.” Her throat still felt terribly scratchy. She slowly shifted until she was sitting up. Teal’c slid pillows behind her back. “How long was I gone?” She cleared her throat and gladly took the water glass that O’Neill offered.
Teal’c answered without hesitation. “Ten days.”
“Felt like more.” Felt like several weeks.
Jack nodded and sat down again. “I’ll bet. General Hammond sends his best wishes for a speedy recovery.”
Sam graced him with a slight smile, “Thank you, Sir.” She looked away. Almost like a phantom before her, Sam could see Jack chained to a table and covered in his own blood. She blinked rapidly, trying to chase the image from her mind’s eye.
Teal’c hovered near her side. “Do you require anything?”
“No, thank you. I’m just glad to be home.” She looked at Jack and then dropped her eyes, unable to meet his gaze. How could she admit to him what she had done?
Jack watched her gaze slide past his face three times in the span of a minute. “What’s going on in that head of yours, Carter?” Her startled blue eyes flew to his face again and then away. Jack knew that look - unadulterated guilt.
“Sir, I… I don’t know how to tell you this…” Her eyes shifted to Teal’c, embarrassment and frustration staining her cheeks pink.
“Yes, Carter?” Jack folded his hands together and waited.
She took a deep breath and her eyes focused somewhere around his throat. “I need to talk to you.” Jack paused and nodded at Teal’c who turned and left the room. He knew this moment would come, but he didn’t think it would be so soon.
After they were alone, Jack said quietly, “Carter - don’t you want to wait on the official debrief for this conversation?”
Carter pressed on, just like he knew she would. “No, Sir, this can’t wait.” She struggled to find the words. “I may have told Morrigan some things.
Jack hesitated, knowing this was all so fresh. “What kind of things?”
“I remember telling her we didn’t understand how the Ancient weapon worked.” Carter wouldn’t look at him - never a good sign.
Jack could see things building in her mind. She wouldn’t forgive herself for talking under enemy interrogation. “Okay - as I understand it, even the Goa’uld don’t know how those toys work half the time. That’s not exactly a bombshell. What other ‘things’?”
“I’m not exactly certain, Sir. I remember telling her about the outpost and then it gets kind of fuzzy.” Sam could suddenly feel the blade wiggling in the depths of her abdomen and she flinched and rubbed her stomach, trying to drive the memory away.
“And… and then there’s a big, empty space. I know I was in the interrogation room, but I haven’t a clue what came out of my mouth. But - if I told her that, what else was there that I don’t remember?” She looked up, her eyes finally meeting his.
He suddenly realized what looked different about Carter. She was truly ashamed. He’d never seen that look in her eyes before. She was also clearly terrified at what might be hidden by the hole in her memory.
Jack stood up and started to pace. “Carter, your rescuers have been talking to us. Morrigan didn’t believe a word you said, about anything.”
“What?” Her blue eyes bored into him, disbelief clear in their depths.
“Apparently, Morrigan thought you were lying.”
“Sir, I broke under interrogation. Surely Morrigan could tell!” Jack could see the color draining out of her cheeks and heard the beep of the heartbeat monitor getting faster.
“Are you complaining? Besides, you and I both know that information gained under torture is suspect at best.” He tried to keep his voice calm.
“But I was - ” Jack cut her off midstream.
“It doesn’t matter what you told her, she didn’t believe you.” Jack could hear angry voices in the hall behind him.
“But she asked me how it worked and I told her that -”
“Carter - enough!!” Jack wrapped his fingers around the foot bar of the bed and clenched until his knuckles gleamed white. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes, sir,” came the quiet reply. Carter’s eyes had dropped again. He silently cursed at himself for raising his voice. He was getting too old to run on this little sleep.
“Then accept it when I tell you that Morrigan did not believe a word you told her. Okay? You have got to calm down, get some rest and just concentrate on getting better.”
Carter nodded meekly. Jack looked at her carefully. Maybe she believed him - it was still too soon to tell.
Jack turned and opened the curtain to see Teal’c standing in front of Dr. Brightman. Teal’c pivoted and nodded his head ever so slightly as the doctor sailed by, annoyance clearly written across her features. “Thank you so much.” She began checking Carter out.
“How is Colonel Carter?” Teal’c asked Jack as stepped over.
“Upset. Exhausted. Vaguely irrational.” He sighed. “Hopefully she’ll be better after some rest.”
* * * *
Sam’s eyes opened. The lights overhead were out and she heard soft snoring somewhere close behind her. Listening for a moment, she identified the source - Jack. General O’Neill, she corrected herself again. She knew one of the guys would be with her when she woke up. They hadn’t left her alone since she had returned. There was little noise coming from beyond the curtain, so it must be sometime deep in the night.
How could the General forgive her? How could they just pretend that nothing had happened? She told Morrigan he was the key to the defense system. Didn’t they understand? She had betrayed them - all of them. Betrayed her country. Her planet. She’d have given anyone - everyone up to Morrigan just to make the pain stop. How could they just act like it was all okay?
Sleep dragged at her and Sam closed her eyes again. She blinked and was suddenly back in the freezing darkness of that stone pit, the rips in her skin screaming and the unmistakable sensation of ice cold water lapping at her chin. Hadn’t she just been in the infirmary? Which was one was real?
Sam pulled desperately at her bonds but was unable to break free. She could hear the dripping noise in the distance as the salty water climbed slowly towards her lips.
* * * *
**Day Twelve**
“Sam. Sam!” Daniel’s voice echoed off the cold stone. “Wake up - it’s just a dream, c’mon, wake up!” His hand was on her lower leg. Sam came awake with a start, her muscles aching. She pushed her legs out straight and rolled onto her back. Sam could feel her heart thumping madly against her chest and the slick of sweat across her neck.
“What time is it?” She didn’t feel as if she’d gotten any real rest.
“Almost noon. You looked like you were sleeping hard, so we didn’t wake you for breakfast. Are you hungry?”
The world around her felt completely surreal. She blinked and nodded. This was real - not the dreams. Morrigan and her ship were far, far away.
“Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it was that you were fighting against?” Daniel’s brow was furrowed - he was worried for her.
She faltered for a moment and then admitted, “Just remembering some of things that happened. I’m okay.”
“Sam - if you need to talk…”
She smiled at him. “I know. And I appreciate it.”
Daniel rolled a table over towards the bed. The smell of hot food hit Sam and her stomach turned violently. For the briefest moment all she could smell was the stench of burning flesh. “Um - I’m not really hungry right now.”
“You need to eat, Sam.”
“I had dinner last night.” She tried to force a smile and it came off more like a grimace.
Daniel sighed, not fooled in the slightest. “Juice, at least?” Sam nodded and took the offered cup.
* * * *
**Day Fourteen**
Sam fought for consciousness. The world swam slightly before her eyes. What time was it? Lights on out in the hall - daytime rotation. She could hear voices in the hall, talking in low tones. Dr. Brightman and Daniel - and there was a noncommittal grunt from General O’Neill. They were talking about her. How weak she was. How her bones didn’t seem to be knitting. Her bruises weren’t fading. She didn’t want to eat, couldn’t sleep more than three hours at a stretch, still hallucinated at least twice a day… (traitor to her country, her planet, a disgrace to the uniform…) No. That was her inside voice. Sam shook her head and tried to focus on her breathing.
Her memory kept playing tricks on her. The most frequent “memory” was the vision of General O’Neill helpless in front of her, most of his blood already on the floor, and utter contempt in his eyes as she rattled off the country’s defenses, down to the satellite codes and tensile strength of the iris over the ‘gate. Every time she remembered it, things got worse - more and more things were falling out of her mouth. She didn’t think that actually happened, but how could she really be sure?
* * * *
**Day Fifteen**
Early Afternoon
Jack stopped Teal’c in the hallway outside the infirmary. “You’ll need to wait a minute, the Doc’s with her now. And I’ve got a question for you - is it just me or are her nightmares getting worse, not better? The one she had last night I had to actually shake her awake.”
“I believe you are correct. She seems to be dreaming more frequently. Daniel Jackson also mentioned that she is not eating well.”
“Damn. I just watched her pretend to eat breakfast. She pushed it around on her plate for a while, but she only ate six or seven bites.”
“Has she not been receiving assistance from Doctor MacKenzie?” Teal’c asked.
“Yeah, he’s had a couple of sessions with her. She just knows the right things to say to fool him. We’ve all had enough practice over the years. I know it hasn’t been long, but how does she seem to you?” Jack suspected he already knew the answer.
“Not well. She seems even more withdrawn than when she first returned. I believe Colonel Carter holds herself responsible for betraying us all, O’Neill, regardless of what Morrigan may have believed.”
“I’ve got to get her to snap out of this funk.”
* * * *
Sam settled herself back down into the blankets. They had finally taken the IV out of her arm last night, on the stipulation she try and regain some of the weight she had lost. That would be fine if she could stand the smell of food, much less manage to keep anything down.
The General came back in. “Hey.”
“Sir.”
He stopped behind the chair near her bedside. Crossing his arms over his chest, he looked to be steeling himself for something unpleasant. “You need to tell me what’s going on inside your head, Carter.”
“I don’t know what you mean, Sir.”
“There are many words I could use to describe you but dense would never be one of them. Talk to me. Or Teal’c. Or Daniel. ‘Cause I don’t think you’re telling MacKenzie what happened while you were gone. Otherwise it wouldn’t be tearing you up this badly.”
What could she tell him? He clearly hadn’t been there with her, despite what she remembered. “Sir - I was captured and interrogated by Morrigan. If I can have a laptop, I’ll start on my report.”
He started pacing back and forth at the foot of her bed. “Oh, please. That’s not what I want, and you know it. You were killed and resurrected repeatedly for interrogation by a Goa’uld. I suspect that has had some small effect on your state of mind.”
Jack watched Carter shrink in on herself. “Yes, sir,” was her only response.
This would only get worse if she laid in here and stewed about it. Jack had to get her to see reason. Now. They’d all been treating her with kid gloves since she came back. Time to try a new tactic. If this gamble didn’t work, Daniel and Teal’c would kill him.
“Okaaaay - we’ll go ahead with that full debrief. Let’s start with the simple questions, shall we?” Keep it short and dry, he told himself. Don’t let her linger. He stopped pacing and faced her squarely.
“How many days did you go without proper sleep? Without food or water?” He knew that Teal’c would be standing guard outside, keeping everyone else out.
“I’m not sure.”
C’mon, Carter - I know you’re in there somewhere... “Did she feed you at all?”
“Not that I remember, Sir.”
“Then that would be ten days without food. Your body cannibalizing itself to keep you alive. What were the methods of interrogation used?” Jack kept his tone cold and curt.
“Sleep deprivation, confinement, deception.” She paused ever so briefly. “Torture.” A muscle clenched in the side of her jaw. Jack could see almost see the images flashing in front of her eyes.
“What types of torture?” Jack studied her face and hated himself.
Carter glanced at him in disbelief and then stared squarely at the wall. “Burning, whipping, beating, knives, joint dislocation, Goa’uld pain devices, drowning…”
Jack interrupted her horrible litany, putting the sharp edge of command under his tone to make her focus. “How many times did you die, Carter? How many times were you put in the sarcophagus?”
“At least five, maybe six.” She ducked her head as she fidgeted with the blankets.
“Well? Which is it?” Jack was practically barking at her now.
Carter finally raised her voice in return. “I don’t know, okay? I lost count!” Jack saw the light go on behind her eyes as she figured out what he was trying to do. “Alright, fine, but none of that excuses what I did. It doesn’t matter if Morrigan believed what I said or not, Sir, I still gave information to the enemy.”
Jack sighed. She held herself up to the highest standard of anyone he’d ever seen. “I have seen men - good, strong, well seasoned soldiers - who cracked and would’ve sold out their own mothers if the pain would just stop after a few hours, much less more than a week. You know the effects of torture - you’ve seen it.”
“We’ve all been tortured by the enemy. It does not excuse what I did. I’d have told her anything to make her stop, Sir.” The breath caught in her throat for the barest moment. “Anything.”
“Carter, I don’t think being tortured to death and resurrected repeatedly is really covered in the Air Force’s resistance training.”
“It doesn’t matter. I gave information to the enemy and I can’t even remember everything I said.”
“You were also drugged. Some sort of hallucinogen. Dr. Brightman said your last set of blood work finally came up clean.”
Carter looked at him, eyes gone wide. “There was a gas - there was this sweet smell in the air. And that would explain the hallucinations and why you were - ” She paused, unsure of what to say.
“Why I what?” Jack sat down carefully on the side of her bed and waited.
Carter gathered herself and said, “Sir, I saw you there. At first I thought that it was just a trick, but it seemed so real. There was someone screaming and it sounded just like you. I mean obviously it wasn’t but…” Tears welled up in her eyes. “Her Jaffa brought me back in and there you were, laid out on a table. You were so still. When she started questioning me again, I could smell your flesh as it burned.”
Jack watched a quiver shoot through her as she closed her eyes against the memories. “You didn’t scream - not even once. I can hear the sound of my voice, but I don’t know exactly what I said to her. And then all I remember is blood. So much blood.”
“I begged her to stop hurting you…” Sam stopped and looked away again, down at the floor. Her knuckles were tight, fingertips grinding into the blanket.
For a moment, he truly did not know what to say. Jack reached out and took her left hand gently in his own, unwinding her fingers from the blankets.
God. “I never left the base. It was all in your head.” Carter nodded, blinking furiously.
Jack wanted so desperately to fix this for her - to wipe it all away. She looked so small, so terrified of the things inside her own mind. “It’s okay. Morrigan did her best to grind you into dust and you withstood it.” Carter bowed her head and wiped furiously at her face. She started to shake ever so slightly.
Jack pulled her slowly towards his chest. Sobs bubbled unbidden out of her throat and she buried her face in her hands. He wrapped his arms around her as she began to weep in earnest. Sliding his fingers around the nape of her neck, Jack tried very hard to ignore how fragile she felt under his hands.
* * * *
**Day Nineteen**
Sam blinked. For once it was her bladder that disturbed her sleep instead of her demons. She smiled at General O’Neill slumbering in the corner. There was a pile of paperwork on a table at his elbow, his head had fallen back and he was snoring deeply. Sam did her best to creep out of bed without waking him.
Every time she’d had night terrors and his voice, his touch had brought her out of them - a lifeline back into the world of here and now. He’d never pushed her to talk about it, just asked if she was okay. Thankfully she had only awoken crying and yelling once, her dream self fighting off a multitude of prying hands. Before she realized it, she had launched herself into his arms, instinctively looking for a safe haven. He put his arms around her shoulders and just let her sob until she felt like stopping. As always, his presence had been so reassuring. She’d gone back to sleep that evening with her hand tucked into his.
The guys had taken such good care of her. She had never been alone since she returned - one of them had always been by her bedside. But that’s what family did for each other, wasn’t it? She smiled at the thought. Her small, but intensely loyal family.
There had been no word from her father, but she suspected the Tok’ra had deemed her capture not worthy of passing along. He would be here when he could, she knew that, and he would undoubtedly give the High Council hell for keeping him in the dark.
Sam crept back into the room and eased into bed. She looked over at the sleeping General - hopefully they would both get to sleep the rest of the night without interruption.
* * * *
**Day Twenty**
Sam was dozing lightly when she heard a gasp from the doorway, followed by a muted, “Oh my God.” Sam opened her eyes as Pete walked slowly forward, his face pale.
I didn’t call him - why didn’t I call him? He must have been worried sick… Sam tried to pull some energy up and gave him the brightest smile she could muster. “Hi - I’m glad to see you.”
Daniel snapped the book shut in his lap and quickly rose to his feet. “Pete.”
Pete nodded vaguely at Daniel as he walked out, but his eyes were focused on Sam.
“General O’Neill said you’d had a rough mission, but he wouldn’t give me any details. Are you - are you okay?” He crossed to the bed, eyes wide as he looked over the mottled pale green and yellow bruises against the pale line of her throat, the scabs scattered across her skin. “You’re so thin.”
“Yea, Pete, I’m going to be fine. It’s just leftovers at this point.”
“What happened?”
“I’m… I’m okay - don’t worry.” Sam briefly debated how much she should actually tell him of her ordeal. She also tried very hard not to think about the fact that without Morrigan’s intervention, she would be dead now. “Just a case of wrong place, wrong time. We’ll talk about it later. A little more rest is all I need.”
Pete reached out and pulled her into his arms. She shifted carefully to keep her ribs in line and tried to relax. Over Pete’s shoulder, a flash of movement caught her attention. The curtains were closing in front of General O’Neill. His eyes were downcast and his face was solemn. Sam shut her eyes and burrowed her head into the crook of Pete’s neck.
* * * * * * *
Jack stepped back, letting the curtain fall. Carter looked content in Pete’s arms. Jack shoved down the small spike of jealousy. He’d been the one who made the phone call. It was right that Pete was in there with her and not him. There was an expression he had not seen on Carter’s face for years. She certainly deserved to be happy - maybe this was for the best.
Jack turned and walked slowly out of the infirmary, away from the couple. He buried his hands in his pockets and kept his eyes on the floor.
Carter had found someone to love - maybe it was time he did the same. The military couldn’t be his life forever. Now that he was flying a desk, he had far too much free time on his hands. Maybe he should find someone to spend it with.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
the end
thanks for reading
serafine
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
- Wesley in The Princess Bride
Author's Note: This is the final part of this WIP - I posted the previous bit exactly one year ago. Fitting.
~ ~ feedback is good for your karma ~ ~
Title: Captivity
Author: serafine
Rated: Teen
Summary: Carter falls behind on a mission.
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate or any of these canon characters. No copyright infringement intended. No foul, no profit, no sue.
Previous bits:
Part one
Part two
Part three
Part four
Part five
* * * * * * *
Day Eleven
Early Morning
Cheyenne Mountain
Jack sat at his desk and looked at the report from Dr. Brightman again. It had been waiting for him on his desk. Carter had suffered under Morrigan’s hands - her clothing told a vivid and horrifying tale. God only knew what she went through. He did not want to do this debrief. He didn’t want to make her live it all over again.
All night, he had tossed and turned, unable to find rest. Carter’s eyes kept appearing in front of him. Something about them looked different, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.
He headed down to the infirmary. Dr. Brightman’s office door was open and he stuck his head in. “Have any news on Carter for me, Doc?”
“I do, General. Please come in.” Jack did not like the look on her face.
“There was an incident during the night. Colonel Carter apparently started screaming in her sleep. Dr. Jackson was in the room with her and attempted to wake her from the nightmare. She reacted violently and there was an altercation. The nurses managed to get her calmed down, but I did not want a repeat performance, so I gave her something to help her rest. Last time I checked, she was still asleep, as was Dr. Jackson.”
“Did she hurt anyone?” Jack watched Dr. Brightman’s expression shift and knew Carter had struck at least one person.
“Nothing serious. As far as I could tell, she was reacting instinctively to being restrained. Once she was fully conscious, she calmed down immediately.” Nightmares - no surprise there.
“I feel my report is mostly complete, but Colonel Carter was reluctant to speak to me about her ordeal. I hope you will have better luck.”
“Thanks. I’ll go look in on her, if you don’t mind.”
Brightman nodded. “Of course, sir.”
Jack parted the curtains and found Daniel camped out in a chair in the corner of the room, reading. Once he looked up, Jack could see the beginnings of bruises across the edge of his left cheekbone and jaw. There was a small butterfly bandage over a cut on his brow. With a glance at Carter, Jack motioned for him to step outside.
Out in the hallway, Jack whistled, seeing Daniel’s face up close. “What’d she hit you with?
He sighed, looking slightly sheepish. “A metal tray. She’s been out ever since then, but I didn’t want her to wake up alone.” Daniel looked down at his watch. “Teal’c’s supposed to be showing up to relieve me in about thirty minutes.”
Jack nodded. SG-1 standard operating procedure. “Did she say anything?”
“Not much that I recall. I was asleep when she started yelling.” Daniel shrugged. “Most of the lights were out and she clocked me as soon as I put my hand on her arm.”
“Go grab some breakfast - I’ll sit with her for a while.” It was the least he could do for her.
“Thanks.”
Walking back inside, Jack stopped at Carter’s bedside. Her breathing was deep and even. He looked at her carefully. There were bruises and bandages scattered across both arms and peeking out from underneath her neckline. He could see the outlines of her collarbones though the gown. There was a large swath of fresh tape across the inside of her left elbow and deep purple bruising coloring the surrounding area. She’d pulled her IV out during her nightmare. Ouch.
Scrapes and bruises marred the skin across both cheekbones and her bottom lip was puffy and split in several places. Her cheeks looked pale and hollow and there were dark circles beneath her eyes. Leaning in, he could see a definite lump in the edge of her hairline. Purple bruises in the clear shape of a large hand circled around the sides of her neck.
You won’t go through this alone, Carter, I swear. Jack finally settled into the chair in the corner, enjoying her presence despite the circumstances. It had been awhile since he was able to watch her sleep.
Teal’c’s burly shoulders parted the curtain right on time. Looking at Jack, Teal’c stepped back and came in with another chair. He nodded with the smallest smile and settled in beside Jack. They sat in silent camaraderie waiting for Carter to wake up.
* * * *
The first thing Sam heard was the steady beep of the heart monitor. Her eyes, fluttered open, and she saw the General and Teal’c sitting by her bedside.
“Good afternoon, Carter.”
“Sir.” It came out as a croak.
“How are you feeling, Colonel Carter?”
“I’ve been better.” Her throat still felt terribly scratchy. She slowly shifted until she was sitting up. Teal’c slid pillows behind her back. “How long was I gone?” She cleared her throat and gladly took the water glass that O’Neill offered.
Teal’c answered without hesitation. “Ten days.”
“Felt like more.” Felt like several weeks.
Jack nodded and sat down again. “I’ll bet. General Hammond sends his best wishes for a speedy recovery.”
Sam graced him with a slight smile, “Thank you, Sir.” She looked away. Almost like a phantom before her, Sam could see Jack chained to a table and covered in his own blood. She blinked rapidly, trying to chase the image from her mind’s eye.
Teal’c hovered near her side. “Do you require anything?”
“No, thank you. I’m just glad to be home.” She looked at Jack and then dropped her eyes, unable to meet his gaze. How could she admit to him what she had done?
Jack watched her gaze slide past his face three times in the span of a minute. “What’s going on in that head of yours, Carter?” Her startled blue eyes flew to his face again and then away. Jack knew that look - unadulterated guilt.
“Sir, I… I don’t know how to tell you this…” Her eyes shifted to Teal’c, embarrassment and frustration staining her cheeks pink.
“Yes, Carter?” Jack folded his hands together and waited.
She took a deep breath and her eyes focused somewhere around his throat. “I need to talk to you.” Jack paused and nodded at Teal’c who turned and left the room. He knew this moment would come, but he didn’t think it would be so soon.
After they were alone, Jack said quietly, “Carter - don’t you want to wait on the official debrief for this conversation?”
Carter pressed on, just like he knew she would. “No, Sir, this can’t wait.” She struggled to find the words. “I may have told Morrigan some things.
Jack hesitated, knowing this was all so fresh. “What kind of things?”
“I remember telling her we didn’t understand how the Ancient weapon worked.” Carter wouldn’t look at him - never a good sign.
Jack could see things building in her mind. She wouldn’t forgive herself for talking under enemy interrogation. “Okay - as I understand it, even the Goa’uld don’t know how those toys work half the time. That’s not exactly a bombshell. What other ‘things’?”
“I’m not exactly certain, Sir. I remember telling her about the outpost and then it gets kind of fuzzy.” Sam could suddenly feel the blade wiggling in the depths of her abdomen and she flinched and rubbed her stomach, trying to drive the memory away.
“And… and then there’s a big, empty space. I know I was in the interrogation room, but I haven’t a clue what came out of my mouth. But - if I told her that, what else was there that I don’t remember?” She looked up, her eyes finally meeting his.
He suddenly realized what looked different about Carter. She was truly ashamed. He’d never seen that look in her eyes before. She was also clearly terrified at what might be hidden by the hole in her memory.
Jack stood up and started to pace. “Carter, your rescuers have been talking to us. Morrigan didn’t believe a word you said, about anything.”
“What?” Her blue eyes bored into him, disbelief clear in their depths.
“Apparently, Morrigan thought you were lying.”
“Sir, I broke under interrogation. Surely Morrigan could tell!” Jack could see the color draining out of her cheeks and heard the beep of the heartbeat monitor getting faster.
“Are you complaining? Besides, you and I both know that information gained under torture is suspect at best.” He tried to keep his voice calm.
“But I was - ” Jack cut her off midstream.
“It doesn’t matter what you told her, she didn’t believe you.” Jack could hear angry voices in the hall behind him.
“But she asked me how it worked and I told her that -”
“Carter - enough!!” Jack wrapped his fingers around the foot bar of the bed and clenched until his knuckles gleamed white. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes, sir,” came the quiet reply. Carter’s eyes had dropped again. He silently cursed at himself for raising his voice. He was getting too old to run on this little sleep.
“Then accept it when I tell you that Morrigan did not believe a word you told her. Okay? You have got to calm down, get some rest and just concentrate on getting better.”
Carter nodded meekly. Jack looked at her carefully. Maybe she believed him - it was still too soon to tell.
Jack turned and opened the curtain to see Teal’c standing in front of Dr. Brightman. Teal’c pivoted and nodded his head ever so slightly as the doctor sailed by, annoyance clearly written across her features. “Thank you so much.” She began checking Carter out.
“How is Colonel Carter?” Teal’c asked Jack as stepped over.
“Upset. Exhausted. Vaguely irrational.” He sighed. “Hopefully she’ll be better after some rest.”
* * * *
Sam’s eyes opened. The lights overhead were out and she heard soft snoring somewhere close behind her. Listening for a moment, she identified the source - Jack. General O’Neill, she corrected herself again. She knew one of the guys would be with her when she woke up. They hadn’t left her alone since she had returned. There was little noise coming from beyond the curtain, so it must be sometime deep in the night.
How could the General forgive her? How could they just pretend that nothing had happened? She told Morrigan he was the key to the defense system. Didn’t they understand? She had betrayed them - all of them. Betrayed her country. Her planet. She’d have given anyone - everyone up to Morrigan just to make the pain stop. How could they just act like it was all okay?
Sleep dragged at her and Sam closed her eyes again. She blinked and was suddenly back in the freezing darkness of that stone pit, the rips in her skin screaming and the unmistakable sensation of ice cold water lapping at her chin. Hadn’t she just been in the infirmary? Which was one was real?
Sam pulled desperately at her bonds but was unable to break free. She could hear the dripping noise in the distance as the salty water climbed slowly towards her lips.
* * * *
**Day Twelve**
“Sam. Sam!” Daniel’s voice echoed off the cold stone. “Wake up - it’s just a dream, c’mon, wake up!” His hand was on her lower leg. Sam came awake with a start, her muscles aching. She pushed her legs out straight and rolled onto her back. Sam could feel her heart thumping madly against her chest and the slick of sweat across her neck.
“What time is it?” She didn’t feel as if she’d gotten any real rest.
“Almost noon. You looked like you were sleeping hard, so we didn’t wake you for breakfast. Are you hungry?”
The world around her felt completely surreal. She blinked and nodded. This was real - not the dreams. Morrigan and her ship were far, far away.
“Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it was that you were fighting against?” Daniel’s brow was furrowed - he was worried for her.
She faltered for a moment and then admitted, “Just remembering some of things that happened. I’m okay.”
“Sam - if you need to talk…”
She smiled at him. “I know. And I appreciate it.”
Daniel rolled a table over towards the bed. The smell of hot food hit Sam and her stomach turned violently. For the briefest moment all she could smell was the stench of burning flesh. “Um - I’m not really hungry right now.”
“You need to eat, Sam.”
“I had dinner last night.” She tried to force a smile and it came off more like a grimace.
Daniel sighed, not fooled in the slightest. “Juice, at least?” Sam nodded and took the offered cup.
* * * *
**Day Fourteen**
Sam fought for consciousness. The world swam slightly before her eyes. What time was it? Lights on out in the hall - daytime rotation. She could hear voices in the hall, talking in low tones. Dr. Brightman and Daniel - and there was a noncommittal grunt from General O’Neill. They were talking about her. How weak she was. How her bones didn’t seem to be knitting. Her bruises weren’t fading. She didn’t want to eat, couldn’t sleep more than three hours at a stretch, still hallucinated at least twice a day… (traitor to her country, her planet, a disgrace to the uniform…) No. That was her inside voice. Sam shook her head and tried to focus on her breathing.
Her memory kept playing tricks on her. The most frequent “memory” was the vision of General O’Neill helpless in front of her, most of his blood already on the floor, and utter contempt in his eyes as she rattled off the country’s defenses, down to the satellite codes and tensile strength of the iris over the ‘gate. Every time she remembered it, things got worse - more and more things were falling out of her mouth. She didn’t think that actually happened, but how could she really be sure?
* * * *
**Day Fifteen**
Early Afternoon
Jack stopped Teal’c in the hallway outside the infirmary. “You’ll need to wait a minute, the Doc’s with her now. And I’ve got a question for you - is it just me or are her nightmares getting worse, not better? The one she had last night I had to actually shake her awake.”
“I believe you are correct. She seems to be dreaming more frequently. Daniel Jackson also mentioned that she is not eating well.”
“Damn. I just watched her pretend to eat breakfast. She pushed it around on her plate for a while, but she only ate six or seven bites.”
“Has she not been receiving assistance from Doctor MacKenzie?” Teal’c asked.
“Yeah, he’s had a couple of sessions with her. She just knows the right things to say to fool him. We’ve all had enough practice over the years. I know it hasn’t been long, but how does she seem to you?” Jack suspected he already knew the answer.
“Not well. She seems even more withdrawn than when she first returned. I believe Colonel Carter holds herself responsible for betraying us all, O’Neill, regardless of what Morrigan may have believed.”
“I’ve got to get her to snap out of this funk.”
* * * *
Sam settled herself back down into the blankets. They had finally taken the IV out of her arm last night, on the stipulation she try and regain some of the weight she had lost. That would be fine if she could stand the smell of food, much less manage to keep anything down.
The General came back in. “Hey.”
“Sir.”
He stopped behind the chair near her bedside. Crossing his arms over his chest, he looked to be steeling himself for something unpleasant. “You need to tell me what’s going on inside your head, Carter.”
“I don’t know what you mean, Sir.”
“There are many words I could use to describe you but dense would never be one of them. Talk to me. Or Teal’c. Or Daniel. ‘Cause I don’t think you’re telling MacKenzie what happened while you were gone. Otherwise it wouldn’t be tearing you up this badly.”
What could she tell him? He clearly hadn’t been there with her, despite what she remembered. “Sir - I was captured and interrogated by Morrigan. If I can have a laptop, I’ll start on my report.”
He started pacing back and forth at the foot of her bed. “Oh, please. That’s not what I want, and you know it. You were killed and resurrected repeatedly for interrogation by a Goa’uld. I suspect that has had some small effect on your state of mind.”
Jack watched Carter shrink in on herself. “Yes, sir,” was her only response.
This would only get worse if she laid in here and stewed about it. Jack had to get her to see reason. Now. They’d all been treating her with kid gloves since she came back. Time to try a new tactic. If this gamble didn’t work, Daniel and Teal’c would kill him.
“Okaaaay - we’ll go ahead with that full debrief. Let’s start with the simple questions, shall we?” Keep it short and dry, he told himself. Don’t let her linger. He stopped pacing and faced her squarely.
“How many days did you go without proper sleep? Without food or water?” He knew that Teal’c would be standing guard outside, keeping everyone else out.
“I’m not sure.”
C’mon, Carter - I know you’re in there somewhere... “Did she feed you at all?”
“Not that I remember, Sir.”
“Then that would be ten days without food. Your body cannibalizing itself to keep you alive. What were the methods of interrogation used?” Jack kept his tone cold and curt.
“Sleep deprivation, confinement, deception.” She paused ever so briefly. “Torture.” A muscle clenched in the side of her jaw. Jack could see almost see the images flashing in front of her eyes.
“What types of torture?” Jack studied her face and hated himself.
Carter glanced at him in disbelief and then stared squarely at the wall. “Burning, whipping, beating, knives, joint dislocation, Goa’uld pain devices, drowning…”
Jack interrupted her horrible litany, putting the sharp edge of command under his tone to make her focus. “How many times did you die, Carter? How many times were you put in the sarcophagus?”
“At least five, maybe six.” She ducked her head as she fidgeted with the blankets.
“Well? Which is it?” Jack was practically barking at her now.
Carter finally raised her voice in return. “I don’t know, okay? I lost count!” Jack saw the light go on behind her eyes as she figured out what he was trying to do. “Alright, fine, but none of that excuses what I did. It doesn’t matter if Morrigan believed what I said or not, Sir, I still gave information to the enemy.”
Jack sighed. She held herself up to the highest standard of anyone he’d ever seen. “I have seen men - good, strong, well seasoned soldiers - who cracked and would’ve sold out their own mothers if the pain would just stop after a few hours, much less more than a week. You know the effects of torture - you’ve seen it.”
“We’ve all been tortured by the enemy. It does not excuse what I did. I’d have told her anything to make her stop, Sir.” The breath caught in her throat for the barest moment. “Anything.”
“Carter, I don’t think being tortured to death and resurrected repeatedly is really covered in the Air Force’s resistance training.”
“It doesn’t matter. I gave information to the enemy and I can’t even remember everything I said.”
“You were also drugged. Some sort of hallucinogen. Dr. Brightman said your last set of blood work finally came up clean.”
Carter looked at him, eyes gone wide. “There was a gas - there was this sweet smell in the air. And that would explain the hallucinations and why you were - ” She paused, unsure of what to say.
“Why I what?” Jack sat down carefully on the side of her bed and waited.
Carter gathered herself and said, “Sir, I saw you there. At first I thought that it was just a trick, but it seemed so real. There was someone screaming and it sounded just like you. I mean obviously it wasn’t but…” Tears welled up in her eyes. “Her Jaffa brought me back in and there you were, laid out on a table. You were so still. When she started questioning me again, I could smell your flesh as it burned.”
Jack watched a quiver shoot through her as she closed her eyes against the memories. “You didn’t scream - not even once. I can hear the sound of my voice, but I don’t know exactly what I said to her. And then all I remember is blood. So much blood.”
“I begged her to stop hurting you…” Sam stopped and looked away again, down at the floor. Her knuckles were tight, fingertips grinding into the blanket.
For a moment, he truly did not know what to say. Jack reached out and took her left hand gently in his own, unwinding her fingers from the blankets.
God. “I never left the base. It was all in your head.” Carter nodded, blinking furiously.
Jack wanted so desperately to fix this for her - to wipe it all away. She looked so small, so terrified of the things inside her own mind. “It’s okay. Morrigan did her best to grind you into dust and you withstood it.” Carter bowed her head and wiped furiously at her face. She started to shake ever so slightly.
Jack pulled her slowly towards his chest. Sobs bubbled unbidden out of her throat and she buried her face in her hands. He wrapped his arms around her as she began to weep in earnest. Sliding his fingers around the nape of her neck, Jack tried very hard to ignore how fragile she felt under his hands.
* * * *
**Day Nineteen**
Sam blinked. For once it was her bladder that disturbed her sleep instead of her demons. She smiled at General O’Neill slumbering in the corner. There was a pile of paperwork on a table at his elbow, his head had fallen back and he was snoring deeply. Sam did her best to creep out of bed without waking him.
Every time she’d had night terrors and his voice, his touch had brought her out of them - a lifeline back into the world of here and now. He’d never pushed her to talk about it, just asked if she was okay. Thankfully she had only awoken crying and yelling once, her dream self fighting off a multitude of prying hands. Before she realized it, she had launched herself into his arms, instinctively looking for a safe haven. He put his arms around her shoulders and just let her sob until she felt like stopping. As always, his presence had been so reassuring. She’d gone back to sleep that evening with her hand tucked into his.
The guys had taken such good care of her. She had never been alone since she returned - one of them had always been by her bedside. But that’s what family did for each other, wasn’t it? She smiled at the thought. Her small, but intensely loyal family.
There had been no word from her father, but she suspected the Tok’ra had deemed her capture not worthy of passing along. He would be here when he could, she knew that, and he would undoubtedly give the High Council hell for keeping him in the dark.
Sam crept back into the room and eased into bed. She looked over at the sleeping General - hopefully they would both get to sleep the rest of the night without interruption.
* * * *
**Day Twenty**
Sam was dozing lightly when she heard a gasp from the doorway, followed by a muted, “Oh my God.” Sam opened her eyes as Pete walked slowly forward, his face pale.
I didn’t call him - why didn’t I call him? He must have been worried sick… Sam tried to pull some energy up and gave him the brightest smile she could muster. “Hi - I’m glad to see you.”
Daniel snapped the book shut in his lap and quickly rose to his feet. “Pete.”
Pete nodded vaguely at Daniel as he walked out, but his eyes were focused on Sam.
“General O’Neill said you’d had a rough mission, but he wouldn’t give me any details. Are you - are you okay?” He crossed to the bed, eyes wide as he looked over the mottled pale green and yellow bruises against the pale line of her throat, the scabs scattered across her skin. “You’re so thin.”
“Yea, Pete, I’m going to be fine. It’s just leftovers at this point.”
“What happened?”
“I’m… I’m okay - don’t worry.” Sam briefly debated how much she should actually tell him of her ordeal. She also tried very hard not to think about the fact that without Morrigan’s intervention, she would be dead now. “Just a case of wrong place, wrong time. We’ll talk about it later. A little more rest is all I need.”
Pete reached out and pulled her into his arms. She shifted carefully to keep her ribs in line and tried to relax. Over Pete’s shoulder, a flash of movement caught her attention. The curtains were closing in front of General O’Neill. His eyes were downcast and his face was solemn. Sam shut her eyes and burrowed her head into the crook of Pete’s neck.
* * * * * * *
Jack stepped back, letting the curtain fall. Carter looked content in Pete’s arms. Jack shoved down the small spike of jealousy. He’d been the one who made the phone call. It was right that Pete was in there with her and not him. There was an expression he had not seen on Carter’s face for years. She certainly deserved to be happy - maybe this was for the best.
Jack turned and walked slowly out of the infirmary, away from the couple. He buried his hands in his pockets and kept his eyes on the floor.
Carter had found someone to love - maybe it was time he did the same. The military couldn’t be his life forever. Now that he was flying a desk, he had far too much free time on his hands. Maybe he should find someone to spend it with.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
the end
thanks for reading
serafine
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"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
- Wesley in The Princess Bride
Author's Note: This is the final part of this WIP - I posted the previous bit exactly one year ago. Fitting.
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