how can it feel this wrong?
"and i will pretend that i don't know of your sins until you are ready to confess but all the time, all the time. . .i'll know"
he comes over my house like a ghost i subconsciously invoked four years ago. his eyes meet mine and penetrate me. they are so dark, so brown - so full of shit! i try to resist the invitation to embrace, to allow him to be the good guy. i fail miserably and find myself by the end of the night lying in my bed with his arms around me and his lips replacing my voice. time stops.
that is until he turns the watch back on, getting up to let me know - "we should stop". like i am the bad guy. like i started it all. like i am the one with the girlfriend, or better yet the one who broke us up in the first place. he tells me things would be waaay too complicated now. he DOESN"T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!!!! no, he said it just like that. as though i was a small child asking to go to Disney World, and he was my poverty stricken parent laying the law down. I think maybe he was yelling so he could hear himself better- or, prehaps so he could believe himself better. i started crying soon after he turned to stone sitting like a boy on a grave upon my bed. i screamed "are you okay!?" "you're scaring me" and such things. he was gone though. i think the monsters are winning again. i offered an "i love you" and he stood 6 foot 6 clutching his ear like a schizophrenic pacing around the playground that was my bedroom just minutes ago.
"i don't know what love is! don't you understand that!!!!!!!!" he spoke monotone. i wanted to let that insult me, but in some half nature i just looked through my love for him and at the basic product of denying insanity in front of me. "you need to get help" i started off very wary of another monster attack.
"don't you EVER feel anything?!" i broke down. i had failed. i caught a glimpse of his dark eyes. they looked as though they were drowning. he wore no expression. i fell in a stream of teardrops. he follow me down. a stronger version of this creature before me. "come to bed" he said. "you're sick". he held me for over an hour his lean body pressed against mine. rubbing my back, my face, my abdomen.
until finally he said "i should go". then he lean into me fast, as though it may be the last goodbye. he pressed against me and grabbed my hand squeezing it tight. very tight. an unspoken "i love you". i turned as he did. all the years were reuniting; colliding. i could see and feel our first kiss. it was 1998. we were on a splintered picnic table at the landing. we were lightening. it was 1999. we were on my yellow sofa in my parents old house on carie way. we were sailing. it was 2001 we were under the sky that seemed so small- the bay before us. we were invinsable. our cheeks brushed and i found myself holding my breath. then, he ran out my door.
the next two times i saw him were pointless. they WERE the bad dream. they were gettting on a plane in ohio and comming back to hell all over again. only this time they were buisiness. they were doctors appointments.
"how's the baby?" oh, isn't that the BIG question now. "how's the baby?" he told me blankly his girlfriend left him. that would be brandi, better known as the gal he left me for. he told me three hours after i ly in bed dreaming the occasion. then, moments later we got in a huge fight and he left as i was in the toilet puking. with no goodbye at all.
that my friend was the very last time i saw him. and i might be better for it, but we all know that isn't true. he skipped all weekend in calling me, and i did the same to him. i did call yesterday though. to make sure he didn't blow his head off. no, he went out of town. to alabama of all places. he said "i'll try to fit you in this week, i have band practice monday & wednesday + friday i am playing a show". I said "what are you doing for easter?"
he said "I dunno probably working all day". "Oh" i said then changed the subject 'til he offered a quick goodbye.
easter is my birthday.
he comes over my house like a ghost i subconsciously invoked four years ago. his eyes meet mine and penetrate me. they are so dark, so brown - so full of shit! i try to resist the invitation to embrace, to allow him to be the good guy. i fail miserably and find myself by the end of the night lying in my bed with his arms around me and his lips replacing my voice. time stops.
that is until he turns the watch back on, getting up to let me know - "we should stop". like i am the bad guy. like i started it all. like i am the one with the girlfriend, or better yet the one who broke us up in the first place. he tells me things would be waaay too complicated now. he DOESN"T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!!!! no, he said it just like that. as though i was a small child asking to go to Disney World, and he was my poverty stricken parent laying the law down. I think maybe he was yelling so he could hear himself better- or, prehaps so he could believe himself better. i started crying soon after he turned to stone sitting like a boy on a grave upon my bed. i screamed "are you okay!?" "you're scaring me" and such things. he was gone though. i think the monsters are winning again. i offered an "i love you" and he stood 6 foot 6 clutching his ear like a schizophrenic pacing around the playground that was my bedroom just minutes ago.
"i don't know what love is! don't you understand that!!!!!!!!" he spoke monotone. i wanted to let that insult me, but in some half nature i just looked through my love for him and at the basic product of denying insanity in front of me. "you need to get help" i started off very wary of another monster attack.
"don't you EVER feel anything?!" i broke down. i had failed. i caught a glimpse of his dark eyes. they looked as though they were drowning. he wore no expression. i fell in a stream of teardrops. he follow me down. a stronger version of this creature before me. "come to bed" he said. "you're sick". he held me for over an hour his lean body pressed against mine. rubbing my back, my face, my abdomen.
until finally he said "i should go". then he lean into me fast, as though it may be the last goodbye. he pressed against me and grabbed my hand squeezing it tight. very tight. an unspoken "i love you". i turned as he did. all the years were reuniting; colliding. i could see and feel our first kiss. it was 1998. we were on a splintered picnic table at the landing. we were lightening. it was 1999. we were on my yellow sofa in my parents old house on carie way. we were sailing. it was 2001 we were under the sky that seemed so small- the bay before us. we were invinsable. our cheeks brushed and i found myself holding my breath. then, he ran out my door.
the next two times i saw him were pointless. they WERE the bad dream. they were gettting on a plane in ohio and comming back to hell all over again. only this time they were buisiness. they were doctors appointments.
"how's the baby?" oh, isn't that the BIG question now. "how's the baby?" he told me blankly his girlfriend left him. that would be brandi, better known as the gal he left me for. he told me three hours after i ly in bed dreaming the occasion. then, moments later we got in a huge fight and he left as i was in the toilet puking. with no goodbye at all.
that my friend was the very last time i saw him. and i might be better for it, but we all know that isn't true. he skipped all weekend in calling me, and i did the same to him. i did call yesterday though. to make sure he didn't blow his head off. no, he went out of town. to alabama of all places. he said "i'll try to fit you in this week, i have band practice monday & wednesday + friday i am playing a show". I said "what are you doing for easter?"
he said "I dunno probably working all day". "Oh" i said then changed the subject 'til he offered a quick goodbye.
easter is my birthday.