02282014
I will say goodbye to you on the 28th, ωαΩι. I must, for your sake. It’s the only way I can think of to give you what you need.
You are one of the most amazing men I have ever had the pleasure to encounter. You are kind, and clever, and strong. You are considerate, selfless, dignified and at the same time, funny. Masipag ka, malambing, talented in more ways than I can even describe. And on top of all that you are sexy as hell and amazing in bed. ;)
You deserve the kind of love that fills your days with the same kind of awesome. Someone whose love for you is strong enough to weather the tumult and ennui of years. Someone who will see you through your
darkest hour, and make you look forward to each day. Someone who will look at you and see past the wrinkles and white hair to the secrets in your soul-and still like what they see. I want you to have the kind of love that will make every moment of your life meaningful and beautiful. The kind of love that transforms you and makes you better every day.
I know Angie means everything to you. You love her. She loves you. So build a life with her, ωαΩι. Promise her your heart for always, and keep that promise. Let her be your happiness and your solace. Love her, appreciate her, be endlessly fascinated by all that she is, and never let her go. I know she can give you so much more than I ever could.
Even if things were different and you weren’t in love with someone else, I’m still not sure I would choose to stay. The way I feel about you terrifies me. Let me explain.
When I say I cannot love you it doesn’t mean that I do not. I have loved you since the day we met, Χριστόφορος δάφνη. I didn’t know that kind of thing even happened anymore. I tried to stop, I tried to hide, to deny it. But you were like a song that lingers after you turn the radio off. So here we are. I love you to distraction, my darling, to the point of pain, to the edge of sanity--more than I ever intended or expected to.
And that frightens me because it leaves me weak where you’re concerned-I’d give you anything without you even having to ask. If you ask me to stay, I will. But I know that it would be better for you if I didn't. I can’t give you all that I am, ωαΩι. I’m still fragile in a lot of places, and I’m scared that if I let you in you’ll just break me somehow. Why would you want something broken? As happy as I am in
your arms, you can’t fix me, babe. And I’m not asking you to. You have an awesome life waiting for you on the other side of the world, and a woman who needs your love more than I could ever deserve it.
As it is, my heart is too scarred and too scared. Parang PTSD siguro to. ميغيل is a chapter in my life that will be closed forever, and frankly I am glad it’s over. But I think I fought too many of his demons for longer than I should have. I watched helpless as the abyss of his madness devoured my world. I saw everything that was good about us warp and turn to poison in his eyes. And I have had to live with
the devastating realization that love wasn’t enough, that I couldn’t save the one thing that was most precious to me. That dread hasn’t been easy to escape.
Being in love takes a lot out of me. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl, you see. I love you means everything I am would be completely yours and yours alone-every thought, every secret-I would be unable to keep anything from you, or even lie properly (I get physically sick and can’t eat, my body essentially tortures me until I blurt it out). I love you means I would have to make an effort to find something to appreciate about you every day. It means I would do anything-anything-just to make you smile. Even if I have to push the limits of my ability--at kung kulang pa yun sayo I’ll go beyond it para lang makuha mo yung gusto mo. Kahit mahirap. Kahit masakit. Pride? Straight out the window. Impatient? You’re worth the wait. Grouchy? I’m lucky I get to hug you. I love you means you would always come first (early warning sign, btw, which is how I realized I was in love with you). Doesn’t matter if I’ll get in trouble, or if I’m mad at you, or busy-basta Priority 1 ka, if you need me I will drop everything and come running. I love you means that your dreams supersede any desire I might have, because your happiness comes first.
Things like that aren’t exactly easy. And I’m so tired, babe. I don’t want to hurt any more.
Please understand: I love you also means I must be ready to let you go, no matter what the cost.
And I don’t know if I’m ready to pay that price again. I may never be whole again if I do. Honestly its not you I don’t trust, it’s me. Fragile, remember? But you’re just so damn wonderful it’s hard not to
want you-and wanting you is dangerous. I’m so afraid I’ll let my guard down and get too attached and then it will destroy me when you go. That’s why I can’t stay. That's why I leave before morning; waking up next to you makes the dream too real. So real I could lose myself in it. In the daylight I find there's so much more of you to love: we talk and you hug me and you're witty and charming and everything a man should be, and babe I want it so bad I have to look away. I need to keep my distance so losing you won’t hurt so much.
Does that make sense?
I want you to be free, my love-from any trace of regret, or doubt, or second-guessing the path you have taken. Own it. Chase your dreams with everything you’ve got and don’t look back. I want you to cherish
the life you have chosen with all your heart, and for that to happen there must be no space in that heart for me.
You are one of the most amazing men I have ever had the pleasure to encounter. You are kind, and clever, and strong. You are considerate, selfless, dignified and at the same time, funny. Masipag ka, malambing, talented in more ways than I can even describe. And on top of all that you are sexy as hell and amazing in bed. ;)
You deserve the kind of love that fills your days with the same kind of awesome. Someone whose love for you is strong enough to weather the tumult and ennui of years. Someone who will see you through your
darkest hour, and make you look forward to each day. Someone who will look at you and see past the wrinkles and white hair to the secrets in your soul-and still like what they see. I want you to have the kind of love that will make every moment of your life meaningful and beautiful. The kind of love that transforms you and makes you better every day.
I know Angie means everything to you. You love her. She loves you. So build a life with her, ωαΩι. Promise her your heart for always, and keep that promise. Let her be your happiness and your solace. Love her, appreciate her, be endlessly fascinated by all that she is, and never let her go. I know she can give you so much more than I ever could.
Even if things were different and you weren’t in love with someone else, I’m still not sure I would choose to stay. The way I feel about you terrifies me. Let me explain.
When I say I cannot love you it doesn’t mean that I do not. I have loved you since the day we met, Χριστόφορος δάφνη. I didn’t know that kind of thing even happened anymore. I tried to stop, I tried to hide, to deny it. But you were like a song that lingers after you turn the radio off. So here we are. I love you to distraction, my darling, to the point of pain, to the edge of sanity--more than I ever intended or expected to.
And that frightens me because it leaves me weak where you’re concerned-I’d give you anything without you even having to ask. If you ask me to stay, I will. But I know that it would be better for you if I didn't. I can’t give you all that I am, ωαΩι. I’m still fragile in a lot of places, and I’m scared that if I let you in you’ll just break me somehow. Why would you want something broken? As happy as I am in
your arms, you can’t fix me, babe. And I’m not asking you to. You have an awesome life waiting for you on the other side of the world, and a woman who needs your love more than I could ever deserve it.
As it is, my heart is too scarred and too scared. Parang PTSD siguro to. ميغيل is a chapter in my life that will be closed forever, and frankly I am glad it’s over. But I think I fought too many of his demons for longer than I should have. I watched helpless as the abyss of his madness devoured my world. I saw everything that was good about us warp and turn to poison in his eyes. And I have had to live with
the devastating realization that love wasn’t enough, that I couldn’t save the one thing that was most precious to me. That dread hasn’t been easy to escape.
Being in love takes a lot out of me. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl, you see. I love you means everything I am would be completely yours and yours alone-every thought, every secret-I would be unable to keep anything from you, or even lie properly (I get physically sick and can’t eat, my body essentially tortures me until I blurt it out). I love you means I would have to make an effort to find something to appreciate about you every day. It means I would do anything-anything-just to make you smile. Even if I have to push the limits of my ability--at kung kulang pa yun sayo I’ll go beyond it para lang makuha mo yung gusto mo. Kahit mahirap. Kahit masakit. Pride? Straight out the window. Impatient? You’re worth the wait. Grouchy? I’m lucky I get to hug you. I love you means you would always come first (early warning sign, btw, which is how I realized I was in love with you). Doesn’t matter if I’ll get in trouble, or if I’m mad at you, or busy-basta Priority 1 ka, if you need me I will drop everything and come running. I love you means that your dreams supersede any desire I might have, because your happiness comes first.
Things like that aren’t exactly easy. And I’m so tired, babe. I don’t want to hurt any more.
Please understand: I love you also means I must be ready to let you go, no matter what the cost.
And I don’t know if I’m ready to pay that price again. I may never be whole again if I do. Honestly its not you I don’t trust, it’s me. Fragile, remember? But you’re just so damn wonderful it’s hard not to
want you-and wanting you is dangerous. I’m so afraid I’ll let my guard down and get too attached and then it will destroy me when you go. That’s why I can’t stay. That's why I leave before morning; waking up next to you makes the dream too real. So real I could lose myself in it. In the daylight I find there's so much more of you to love: we talk and you hug me and you're witty and charming and everything a man should be, and babe I want it so bad I have to look away. I need to keep my distance so losing you won’t hurt so much.
Does that make sense?
I want you to be free, my love-from any trace of regret, or doubt, or second-guessing the path you have taken. Own it. Chase your dreams with everything you’ve got and don’t look back. I want you to cherish
the life you have chosen with all your heart, and for that to happen there must be no space in that heart for me.