Chapter IV: Pressure
You keep telling me I don't understand. Of course I wouldn't! With the stranglehold you have on me and all your evasiveness, I don't have a whole lot of info to go on. It's ridiculous to expect me to understand--I'm not psychic. But I have been making an effort anyway. With the limited data I have, I am trying to understand some of the reasons why you have become so fearful.
You want to take care of your parents. You are afraid that they are old, and that there will not be much time for you to show them your love and gratitude and make them proud of you. You miss your dad a lot, especially since he's hardly home now. You worry that the ties that bind you together are falling apart, and so you feel a burning need to be there to help hold everybody together. You worry that this is happening because you spend too much time away from them. I understand this.
You feel despondent over the current state of your finances, and having to move away again. Status is important to you; the prospect of having no place to really call your own, moving into smaller and smaller quarters, moving out of AAV demoralizes you and hurts your ego/self-image (a whole other new can of worms). It makes you feel helpless and uncertain about your future, so you throw your energy into law school to keep your sadness and frustration at bay. You want to ensure that you at least have some sort of fallback, especially since you are beginning your career so late, and do not want to apply for a part-time job. I understand this.
You know you need to take care of yourself, and support yourself in the future. This is why you focus on Chris Hwang's projects so actively, hoping for the payoff to happen soon. But there is doubt whether the projects will move forward or push through fast enough. It's taking so much time and effort to see any results. I know it also pains you to feel betrayed by your friends when all you wanted was to be generous. More worry, added to the stress of coordinating all these plans with no definite end yet in sight. I understand, my love.
These are heavy enough burdens for you already, but then there's us.
You think spending time with me will wreck your family (your parents can make up their own minds without my help, or yours, yknow). You think I want to distract you from your studies so you will fail at school (yeah, that's why I was so happy to help with your study group sessions). You think I am useless to you in your business transactions because I am not as wealthy or well-connected as you would like; parang kasalanan ko pa na I wasn't born a Zobel or a Madrigal (frankly I'm happy I wasn't). You keep telling me I'm clingy and insecure and negative about everything (oh the irony). Gosh, you blame me endlessly for so many things that are beyond my control, even for things I don't know about and have absolutely nothing to do with!
You know, you cringe not because of the person I actually am in reality. I thought about that very carefully. I realized that you cringe because you are engulfed in your own fear.
You want to take care of your parents. You are afraid that they are old, and that there will not be much time for you to show them your love and gratitude and make them proud of you. You miss your dad a lot, especially since he's hardly home now. You worry that the ties that bind you together are falling apart, and so you feel a burning need to be there to help hold everybody together. You worry that this is happening because you spend too much time away from them. I understand this.
You feel despondent over the current state of your finances, and having to move away again. Status is important to you; the prospect of having no place to really call your own, moving into smaller and smaller quarters, moving out of AAV demoralizes you and hurts your ego/self-image (a whole other new can of worms). It makes you feel helpless and uncertain about your future, so you throw your energy into law school to keep your sadness and frustration at bay. You want to ensure that you at least have some sort of fallback, especially since you are beginning your career so late, and do not want to apply for a part-time job. I understand this.
You know you need to take care of yourself, and support yourself in the future. This is why you focus on Chris Hwang's projects so actively, hoping for the payoff to happen soon. But there is doubt whether the projects will move forward or push through fast enough. It's taking so much time and effort to see any results. I know it also pains you to feel betrayed by your friends when all you wanted was to be generous. More worry, added to the stress of coordinating all these plans with no definite end yet in sight. I understand, my love.
These are heavy enough burdens for you already, but then there's us.
You think spending time with me will wreck your family (your parents can make up their own minds without my help, or yours, yknow). You think I want to distract you from your studies so you will fail at school (yeah, that's why I was so happy to help with your study group sessions). You think I am useless to you in your business transactions because I am not as wealthy or well-connected as you would like; parang kasalanan ko pa na I wasn't born a Zobel or a Madrigal (frankly I'm happy I wasn't). You keep telling me I'm clingy and insecure and negative about everything (oh the irony). Gosh, you blame me endlessly for so many things that are beyond my control, even for things I don't know about and have absolutely nothing to do with!
You know, you cringe not because of the person I actually am in reality. I thought about that very carefully. I realized that you cringe because you are engulfed in your own fear.