(no subject)
Warning, extremely emo shit on the way. If you don't want to read it, keep scrolling.
I could feel this night coming a mile away, that's why I went looking to smoke some weed tonight. But alas, that didn't happen; I missed my friends in both the places they told me to find them, and nobody else I know of that smokes is awake at this point. Happy fucking 4/20, I guess.
This is just one of those nights where I feel like I'm...I don't know. Suffocating would be a good word if it wasn't so overused by the slit-my-wrist emo kids. Drowning is out too. So is lost. Fuck! Those twerps have taken all the good words. My life has spun in a direction I really don't like, at this point. I'm lazy, I have little to no drive, I smoke and drink all the fucking time and it's pathetic.
I look around at all the friends I've lost, and it's all for the same reason; I fucked up. I alienated them, or pissed them off, or some such thing. I look at the friends I have, and it's just not good enough in my mind; I keep dwelling on the ones I've lost. The people I've fallen out of touch with. I miss them all in my own way, though they may never know it.
I suppose Jessi is the best example of this. She won't talk to me anymore, I know why, and I know she's justified. But I still wonder how she's doing. If she's okay. It's not out of any misplaced, unsevered romantic attachment; that's done. I'm over that. She really was an awesome girl, though, and I wouldn't have had a problem in the least staying at least loose friends with her. I suppose that's what eats at me every time I think about it...this was a girl I was very close to for quite a while. Now I have no contact with her (again) and I feel almost exactly the same way I did about it before. Unfulfilled. No closure. No finality, just abrupt termination. Thanks for playing, here's the door.
I just...fuck. I wish I wasn't so much of a fuck-up and a goof-off. It's time to get serious, Scott.
But how?
I could feel this night coming a mile away, that's why I went looking to smoke some weed tonight. But alas, that didn't happen; I missed my friends in both the places they told me to find them, and nobody else I know of that smokes is awake at this point. Happy fucking 4/20, I guess.
This is just one of those nights where I feel like I'm...I don't know. Suffocating would be a good word if it wasn't so overused by the slit-my-wrist emo kids. Drowning is out too. So is lost. Fuck! Those twerps have taken all the good words. My life has spun in a direction I really don't like, at this point. I'm lazy, I have little to no drive, I smoke and drink all the fucking time and it's pathetic.
I look around at all the friends I've lost, and it's all for the same reason; I fucked up. I alienated them, or pissed them off, or some such thing. I look at the friends I have, and it's just not good enough in my mind; I keep dwelling on the ones I've lost. The people I've fallen out of touch with. I miss them all in my own way, though they may never know it.
I suppose Jessi is the best example of this. She won't talk to me anymore, I know why, and I know she's justified. But I still wonder how she's doing. If she's okay. It's not out of any misplaced, unsevered romantic attachment; that's done. I'm over that. She really was an awesome girl, though, and I wouldn't have had a problem in the least staying at least loose friends with her. I suppose that's what eats at me every time I think about it...this was a girl I was very close to for quite a while. Now I have no contact with her (again) and I feel almost exactly the same way I did about it before. Unfulfilled. No closure. No finality, just abrupt termination. Thanks for playing, here's the door.
I just...fuck. I wish I wasn't so much of a fuck-up and a goof-off. It's time to get serious, Scott.
But how?