(no subject)
I don't know where to write anymore. I have to turn to you, my trusty Livejournal of many, many years!
I've been somewhat emotionally chaotic these past few days. I don't know what exactly I can attribute it to. Perhaps it's the alcohol consumption. Maybe it's my hormones. Maybe it's the fact that I'm just sick and tired of how awful all my attempted relationships have been here in Chicago since I moved here nearly three years ago. I can't even begin to count the number of them. I have trouble remembering. I've been romantically involved with so many men. When I first moved here, it was George. Then I started dating Kenny, and we dated for 5 months and despite how short lived that was, it was what I call a serious relationship. Then came Cris (the first of the C(h)rises), and after that a handful of men I went on 1-2 dates with that I don't really count. Then there was Chris (yes, with an H). Then Steven. Now, I am debating if I should add Rudy to that list or just toss him aside into the pile of failures too weak to even count.
It's all horrible. I have been told that I'm trying to hard. Maybe I am. I really don't actively try much anymore. Occasionally I might send a message on OkCupid. A great deal of the men I've been involved with I met on Growlr or Scruff. Sadly, those apps favor sexual encounters over romantic or emotional ones, but I've still found some semi-halfway-decent men on them.
I have high standards. My high standards developed over many years of being in love with people who didn't love me back, and more-so didn't deserve me. Remember Charles and Josh? I read through my past entries and discovered that each of those episodes lasted over 2 years each. That's really sad. I made a promise to myself that I'd never allow that to happen again. I like to be in control now. I establish the course of the relationship. If it does not progress at a rate that is acceptable to me, I raise issue immediately. Then, if it's clear it's not working I terminate it (or they do, whoever gets to it first). I just cannot suffer the wishy-washy behavior of my past love endeavors any longer. I must be decisive. They must be decisive, like me. I cannot allow confusion and indecision to rule my life.
Maybe I am a little jaded. I have been calling myself a "frozen cunt" lately. I'm 27 years old. I'm not old by any means, but I am starting to reach a point in my life where I really want a serious relationship again. Part of the reason for this, I will be honest, is for practical reasons. It's easier to get by as a couple financially than on my own. That sounds so old-fashioned, but given the state of the economy and my own financial situation regarding my debt, I feel as though without a partner I will never thrive. It's a little bit about survival, yes. But mostly? I just want love again. That's all I want. I've come so close for so long and every time it eludes me. I know deeply within myself that I have to be able to love myself, and I've been struggling with that for years. I will always be the first to say that I'm not good enough, and always the first to say that I'm too good. It doesn't make any sense, really, but does love ever? It's totally nonsensical. It's awful. It's wonderful. It's a force. It just has to happen. It tears me apart into millions of pieces and sews me back together.
I want the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.
I've been somewhat emotionally chaotic these past few days. I don't know what exactly I can attribute it to. Perhaps it's the alcohol consumption. Maybe it's my hormones. Maybe it's the fact that I'm just sick and tired of how awful all my attempted relationships have been here in Chicago since I moved here nearly three years ago. I can't even begin to count the number of them. I have trouble remembering. I've been romantically involved with so many men. When I first moved here, it was George. Then I started dating Kenny, and we dated for 5 months and despite how short lived that was, it was what I call a serious relationship. Then came Cris (the first of the C(h)rises), and after that a handful of men I went on 1-2 dates with that I don't really count. Then there was Chris (yes, with an H). Then Steven. Now, I am debating if I should add Rudy to that list or just toss him aside into the pile of failures too weak to even count.
It's all horrible. I have been told that I'm trying to hard. Maybe I am. I really don't actively try much anymore. Occasionally I might send a message on OkCupid. A great deal of the men I've been involved with I met on Growlr or Scruff. Sadly, those apps favor sexual encounters over romantic or emotional ones, but I've still found some semi-halfway-decent men on them.
I have high standards. My high standards developed over many years of being in love with people who didn't love me back, and more-so didn't deserve me. Remember Charles and Josh? I read through my past entries and discovered that each of those episodes lasted over 2 years each. That's really sad. I made a promise to myself that I'd never allow that to happen again. I like to be in control now. I establish the course of the relationship. If it does not progress at a rate that is acceptable to me, I raise issue immediately. Then, if it's clear it's not working I terminate it (or they do, whoever gets to it first). I just cannot suffer the wishy-washy behavior of my past love endeavors any longer. I must be decisive. They must be decisive, like me. I cannot allow confusion and indecision to rule my life.
Maybe I am a little jaded. I have been calling myself a "frozen cunt" lately. I'm 27 years old. I'm not old by any means, but I am starting to reach a point in my life where I really want a serious relationship again. Part of the reason for this, I will be honest, is for practical reasons. It's easier to get by as a couple financially than on my own. That sounds so old-fashioned, but given the state of the economy and my own financial situation regarding my debt, I feel as though without a partner I will never thrive. It's a little bit about survival, yes. But mostly? I just want love again. That's all I want. I've come so close for so long and every time it eludes me. I know deeply within myself that I have to be able to love myself, and I've been struggling with that for years. I will always be the first to say that I'm not good enough, and always the first to say that I'm too good. It doesn't make any sense, really, but does love ever? It's totally nonsensical. It's awful. It's wonderful. It's a force. It just has to happen. It tears me apart into millions of pieces and sews me back together.
I want the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.