Knight vs. contemporary everything
I know that I always only ever seem to post here when something is bothering me, and this post is no exception, but this should be more than just venting, I hope.
Where to begin? I think most of you know the situation with the girl I've been interested in/dated a bit to this point, but let me quickly fill in the most recent events:
After she had broken up with me, and we'd gone on a bit of a hiatus from seeing each other at all (my decision there), she told me that she began dating someone who she felt that fucking spark for, that intangible something that has plagued me throughout this entire adventure. Fast forward a bit, and I ask her how things are going, and she tells me that they haven't been speaking for about 2 weeks. He needed time or some such. Fast forward a bit more to an evening when she and I were hanging out. On the ferry ride back I leave her for a bit and return, to find her visibly upset. Turns out he decided to finally break the silence by contacting her to tell her that he had begun dating someone else, who did for him what she (Ella) could not...there's the spark again. I spent the rest of the evening comforting through what was almost an exact mirror of the situation she and I were in.
After a short time, on a night when she and I were again spending time together, we had a talk, and k'noodled a bit. The next night we had a real talk; here is where the present picks up. I had/have decided to continue to pursue this, despite all indications that I am heading down a road of a pain, because I'm crazy about her, because I cannot seem to get her off of my mind. And I tell her that despite all her reasons, all her concerns, I want to TRY damnit! We talked for a while, where she kept pointing out reasons not to continue and vacillated, while I pressed on with my own desires and a degree of logic (something very out of place when feelings are involved perhaps). And, I got her to agree to try...to give it a shot.
The next night I went to one of her meet-up events, and ended up driving her home. At the first opportunity alone she kissed me, and after a while, spent the night at my place. I drove her to work in the morning, and as she was getting out of the car, asked me what I was going to do. I said that I would probably take a nap in my car for a few hours before heading home, and she asked if I'd like to meet her for lunch then. I did, and we spent more time together, she obviously (vocally so) enjoyed.
Then last night, I called her as I was on my way into the city to meet a friend to see if she'd like to meet up with me (and my friend perhaps) after she finished doing whatever she was up to. She said she might. At the end of my night, I texted her to see if she was going to want a ride home, and she said she'd go by bus. So hard to tell anything through text, so I won't go into my own conjecture over that response.
Anyway, where I stand, is not knowing where we are...are we together? Is she going to give it a real shot (that is: TIME), or am I going to have to fight and struggle every step just to maintain what little there is? Is it worth it? Should I be doing this?
I don't know. Well. If she does try, for real, then I feel it probably is worth it, but if 'd have to have the same uh, discussion with her every week, then I don't think that I should continue. But where to I draw the line? Where does she? If it isn't going to work, at what point will either of us recognize this, or will I accept it? I'm so totally beyond my depth; I've never fought for anyone before like this. What if I've deluded myself, having misjudged my own feelings, where I do not truly feel the way about her I believe I do?
Part of me wants to believe that if a man loves a woman, he can fight to win her heart, but then I ask myself, "Do I love her?" I feel like I do. I said I do, but I'm no longer as sure. Or rather, there are differences between us, that seem not insignificant. Have I ignored those because I am so taken with her, only to discover later on that they will really bother me, or do I care about her so much that they do not matter?
How does one fight to win a heart in this world? There are no dragons, no foul knights. I cannot start a fight with some random person. What can I do?
I fear that she may, inadvertently, do what years of suffering at the hands of my classmates, all the bullshit with my parents and mom in particular, and lack of any success with women all failed to do: make my callous, cynical...shatter those romantic ideals I hold dear, built up over all my life.
Where to begin? I think most of you know the situation with the girl I've been interested in/dated a bit to this point, but let me quickly fill in the most recent events:
After she had broken up with me, and we'd gone on a bit of a hiatus from seeing each other at all (my decision there), she told me that she began dating someone who she felt that fucking spark for, that intangible something that has plagued me throughout this entire adventure. Fast forward a bit, and I ask her how things are going, and she tells me that they haven't been speaking for about 2 weeks. He needed time or some such. Fast forward a bit more to an evening when she and I were hanging out. On the ferry ride back I leave her for a bit and return, to find her visibly upset. Turns out he decided to finally break the silence by contacting her to tell her that he had begun dating someone else, who did for him what she (Ella) could not...there's the spark again. I spent the rest of the evening comforting through what was almost an exact mirror of the situation she and I were in.
After a short time, on a night when she and I were again spending time together, we had a talk, and k'noodled a bit. The next night we had a real talk; here is where the present picks up. I had/have decided to continue to pursue this, despite all indications that I am heading down a road of a pain, because I'm crazy about her, because I cannot seem to get her off of my mind. And I tell her that despite all her reasons, all her concerns, I want to TRY damnit! We talked for a while, where she kept pointing out reasons not to continue and vacillated, while I pressed on with my own desires and a degree of logic (something very out of place when feelings are involved perhaps). And, I got her to agree to try...to give it a shot.
The next night I went to one of her meet-up events, and ended up driving her home. At the first opportunity alone she kissed me, and after a while, spent the night at my place. I drove her to work in the morning, and as she was getting out of the car, asked me what I was going to do. I said that I would probably take a nap in my car for a few hours before heading home, and she asked if I'd like to meet her for lunch then. I did, and we spent more time together, she obviously (vocally so) enjoyed.
Then last night, I called her as I was on my way into the city to meet a friend to see if she'd like to meet up with me (and my friend perhaps) after she finished doing whatever she was up to. She said she might. At the end of my night, I texted her to see if she was going to want a ride home, and she said she'd go by bus. So hard to tell anything through text, so I won't go into my own conjecture over that response.
Anyway, where I stand, is not knowing where we are...are we together? Is she going to give it a real shot (that is: TIME), or am I going to have to fight and struggle every step just to maintain what little there is? Is it worth it? Should I be doing this?
I don't know. Well. If she does try, for real, then I feel it probably is worth it, but if 'd have to have the same uh, discussion with her every week, then I don't think that I should continue. But where to I draw the line? Where does she? If it isn't going to work, at what point will either of us recognize this, or will I accept it? I'm so totally beyond my depth; I've never fought for anyone before like this. What if I've deluded myself, having misjudged my own feelings, where I do not truly feel the way about her I believe I do?
Part of me wants to believe that if a man loves a woman, he can fight to win her heart, but then I ask myself, "Do I love her?" I feel like I do. I said I do, but I'm no longer as sure. Or rather, there are differences between us, that seem not insignificant. Have I ignored those because I am so taken with her, only to discover later on that they will really bother me, or do I care about her so much that they do not matter?
How does one fight to win a heart in this world? There are no dragons, no foul knights. I cannot start a fight with some random person. What can I do?
I fear that she may, inadvertently, do what years of suffering at the hands of my classmates, all the bullshit with my parents and mom in particular, and lack of any success with women all failed to do: make my callous, cynical...shatter those romantic ideals I hold dear, built up over all my life.