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I said in my last post that I would update when I was feeling happier. Well I'm not. I feel like absolute crap for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I'm sick. Secondly I'm tired...I didn't sleep a wink at all last night for reason 3. Thirdly, Damian doesn't want to date me anymore...he only wants to be my friend. I'm so very sad right now. I
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Have you ever seen the movie Real Women Have Curves? I was so proud of the protagonist for choosing the young man she would lose her virginity to in the manner she did. It was a positive experience for both of them, and in the end, they were still friends. So, I'm proud of you, too, because you came away from your first sexual encounter with the same thing. Do you know how rare that is?
Certainly there are those who believe it is best to be a virgin when you marry, and I wanted that for myself until I was stupid enough to get drunk when my parents were out of town one weekend. My brother's friends were over and I passed out. After an evening of flirtation and just a bit of kissing, one of his friends visited my room. I guess I responded to him- I don't remember anything- and if it weren't for the fact that my brother walked in on things and told me about it in the morning, I wouldn't have know I lost my virginity. Of course, the pain and bleeding were odd... Seriously, though, I wouldn't have known.
As tragic as that was, it changed my entire life in what ultimately was a positive manner. I learned that you just don't make definitive decisions- life has a way of throwing a monkey wrench into even the best laid plans. I learned that sex isn't good with just anyone, and that finding the right person to spend my life with involved a lot more than just good conversation. I am certain that I would have been miserable if I had to spend a lifetime with someone that I hated having sex with.
If your friends knew how long you waited, they might say things that you wouldn't like about it, but ultimately, those who said it to me later admitted they were jealous and were afraid I would think I was too good for them. Minus those who suffer from narcissism, we are all as insecure as the next person in some portion of our lives or another.
Let your family think you're the Virgin Mary. It won't hurt them not to know, and it isn't a sin for you to not tell them. If they ask, answer. They usually don't ask. Telling them when they don't ask usually hurts.
You know how I said being me sometimes sucks? It's the bipolar thing. I HATE the fact that I don't have control over my body and my mind at all times. I have it when it comes to caring for others, but not when it comes to me. This isn't good for control freaks. I am secretly wondering if all bipolars are control freaks. Is it because we want to please the world and make things perfect- which means we must be perfect for the world- that causes us to become ill? Are we, in fact, the ultimate caregivers and empaths of the earth?
There I go, thinking too much. This will lead to no good, and probably to dehydration/bouts of tears. Alas- do not despair. Sometimes, they are happy tears.
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As for the bipolar thing...that, I certainly can understand. Usually when something bad hits me, I fall to extremes with my emotions even though I'm on mood stabilizers. Surprsingly enough this time I didn't fall apart. I too am a control freak...and am constantly looking for perfection. Only now I realise that perfection really doesn't exist, it's something I've been striving for for so long but I will never obtain. I have to learn to be and have the best there can be for me, nothing more, nothing less.
With time, things will bet better.
Thanks sweet.
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