Spilling the Beans
Hi guys! I saw your comments, and appreciate y'all getting back to me. Sorry I come and go...but life has me tied up (in all the wrong ways) and when I get a chance to connect to the internetz I'm usually on FaceCrack. Anyway, I'm hoping someone can help me, I'm not sure where to turn since I can't seem to find my answers on Google ;)
The Jist: I'm 27, going on 14, eer um 28 in a couple weeks...and I have a full blown awkward high school crush on this guy, C.
The Details: We met through my niece (her boyfriend is a family friend of his, and they were all roommates about a year and a half ago). Before I even knew who he was, I had heard from them both that C was anxious to meet me, but when we finally did meet (Oct 2010), I had a boyfriend at the time. When I saw him, I was instantly attracted to him, and could sense the jolt of chemestry between us. Realizing this, while having a bf, I didn't even give C a chance to be my friend, and turned pretty cold towards him. Fast forward a year later, the ex and I break up (Aug 2011), and figure that since I'm single, I'll reach out to C. So I sent him a facebook message around Halloween, basically saying sorry if I ever seemed like a bitch, I'm really not...I'd really like to hang out sometime, invite him to a Halloween party...yadda yadda...long story short, we started hanging out. First REAL interaction/conversation we both admit that we'd been crushing on each other for some time, and it was nice to finally "meet." Things go well, we hang out a few more times, and then we have our first kiss, I'll spare the cheesy details but it was really sweet. This was all around Mid November 2011. Thanksgiving Day night, he invites me to his friends house for beers, movies and to enjoy our Thanksgiving comas. That night he tells me, "I'm sorry if I ever seem awkward, I don't have much experience with women." then kinda laughs and says, "well, I do have experience with women, just not..." and kinda mumbles and stutters, and I enterrupt with, "its ok, I know what you mean, I'm pretty awkward too." In retrospect I should have taken that as some sort of que and made a move. But I didn't, I just sat there in our mutual awkwardness and snuggled up to him while we finished the movie....faaast forward to now/Early March, we're still hanging out, but we're moving VERRRY slowly. Our schedules don't mesh well (I'm working nights so usually only have my weekends free) so we only see each other about once a week, sometimes twice, but talk thru phone every other day or so. We haven't had sex yet. I've never seen him naked, never touched his weiner, he's never held my boobs, nothing. We've slept next to each other quite a few times, snuggling, playing footsy in our sleep, always cuddling, but given our living situations (me at my mom's, him at his mom's) we're usually snuggled up on someone else's couch, at friends' houses. There was one time, a few weeks ago, that I went to his house after a friend's bday party, we both were pretty drunk so we almost immidiately passed out when we layed down, but half way through the night, I got hot and took off my jeans, and slept in my underwear and tshirt. At one point, while sleeping, I could feel him rub his hand along my thigh, then pull at my underwear for a second then stopped and just wrapped me tighter in his arms. Sometimes, when we kiss goodbye, it'll turn in to a make out session but then he'll pull away and basically just end it, not in a bad way (except I'd like the kissing to lead somewhere) just cuts it short... Fast forward to today, and here's where I'm at now: Thursday, we talk about some ideas for my upcoming birthday and mentions says "you're invited anywhere I am at." and asked when he gets to see me... Friday before St. Pattys we talk, and he wants me to come out to his friend's bonfire, which is where he's been staying for a week while things are going on back at his mom's place. I tell him I have to work, but that I can try and get off early. He texts me while I'm at work and asks if I'm gonna make it. Since I'm busy, I can't reply, but then about 5 mins later I get a phone call, which I can answer, and it's C asking if I got off work early. I tell him no, but I can come out after work at 4am if he wants me to. He says he'll be asleep by then but to come out anyway and that he doesn't mind if I wake him up. I get off work, realize I'm not gonna be able to make it out there and shoot him a text saying so, but since I planned on seeing him St. Pattys Day, I hope its no big deal. I get no reply. Saturday afternoon, its about time to make St Pattys plans, and I message him Happy SPD! He replies back asking what my plan for the day is, I say hoping to see you later ;) he says he's got plans at 430pm but will message me when he heads back to his buddy's house...day and night got on, I never hear from him. I make new plans, go out with some girl friends, then at 2am my drunk ass decides I want to see him, so I'm gonna go out there... WTF even I know that was a dumb move given the fact he said he'd get a hold of me and didn't, but then I show up anyway. Ugh. I get there, wake him up, he seems happy to see me, we snuggle and pass out. Morning comes, we wake up and it feels awkward as fuck. Not sure if it's because I crossed the line just showing up? Or if it's because he's had things to do (he's a country boy and there was a small farm that needed tending to) and me being there he was putting them off until I left? or if it's just ME being awkward and making the situation awkward? Case in point, why the hell did I tell him about me dancing with a dude the night before? Or about the dude who sent his friend to hit on me? (trying for some subconscience jealousy perhaps? ugh headgames? wtf so not me. whyyy am I not acting like myself??! UGH) We kiss goodbye. I get in the car, and driveway, realizing I look like hell: make up under my eyes, a pimple on my chin that formed in my drunken sweaty sleep and my mouth is stained red from the soda I had just had lol ugh wtf..... I haven't heard from him since Sunday.... 4 days, which is sorta normal for us but the last couple weeks leading up to St Pattys Day we were talking almost every other day....
The Questions: is it possible I blew it by just showing up unannouced/uninvited? Can I recover from this? Do I let it go and wait for him to get a hold of me? Or do I message him and appologise about over stepping any boundaries? Why haven't we had sex yet?? lol
The Reality: I haven't felt so nervous, and so giddy, and so absolutely retarded around a guy since I was hitting puberty. I wish I knew what my deal is...not sure if it's because we haven't had sex yet in the 6ish months we've been hanging out/making out, or what. But I can't seem to keep my cool around him. Half the time I feel like I don't know what to say, the other half the time when I do talk, I feel like it comes out wrong. I know he likes me, I obviously like him, so why do I keep actin a fool? haha Its so dumb. I've never really persued a guy before, I have almost always waited for them to come to me/make the moves, so maybe I'm just completely out of practice?? For whatever reason, all my guts, balls, glory and confidence exscape me when I'm around him. I know it sounds cliche and lame, but I really feel like he is the male version of me, and I'd really like to just spend a lot of time with him...explore, go on adventures, just share life together...
I don't know if anyone will see/read/reply but man that felt good to get it all outta my head. *sigh*