In this Midnight hour...
I don't know where I am at in my life.
I'm broke.
I'm jobless.
I'm technically homeless.
I'm a mom.
My 24th birthday is in less then 6 weeks.
I feel stuck.
I feel stupid.
I feel alone.
I feel...sad.
I don't even know where to start. I got on here in hopes that writing would help me releave some of my stresses and tension but I don't know if I'm hitting a writer's block or if it's every thought and emotion is hitting the front of my brain that I don't know where to start...
Maybe one thing at a time? An entry a day to keep a therapist away? (yes I've been considering getting a therapist).
I'm gonna start with the miscarriage first. Pretty much because I just finished watching Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant and now that stupid broad and Brady Bunch dude are talking about babies. Babies, Babies, Babies. They're every where. And if its not babies, it's cute little pregnant women. I still see it as everything happens for a reason and whatever that reason is that nature, God, fate or Krama ended the pregnancy....but....I'm still very heartbroken about it. When ever I see a dad and a baby together I think of Kevin and what could have been our child. The wonderful, beautiful moments that I thought I'd see and now I won't ever....... The "secrets" and rumors I continue to hear within our social circle. Who knows if Kevin started them or if they're just what bits and pieces of truth morphed into bullshit. 1) I lost the baby because I had an eating disorder. 2) I got an abortion behind Kevin's back. How vicious. How fucking rude. I understand people making assumptions, I'm guilty of making my own about my own friends, but you neeeever voice them because then those assumptions become rumors and rumors hurt people. Knowing my own body (or a higher power of some sort) rejected the baby hurts me, eats at me. The guilt that comes with that knowing my body took that from Kevin...one thing he admitted to me (and others) was as scared as he was, he was looking forward to it. He had buckled up for the emotional rollarcoaster of parenthood but I was basically the one who told him he couldn't ride it.
I know it's not my fault but at the same time, I can't help but feel like it is. No one else was carrying the baby. I was. Maybe things would be different if I was eating better before I found out I was pregnant (I dabbled in my old eating disorder ways probably about 2 months before I found out I was pregnant, so maybe about a month of the pregnancy I wasn't eating that great, but I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant...)? Maybe if I didn't get so emotional when Kevin and I broke up? Maybe if I quit smoking instead of cut back? Maybe if I didn't overwork myself at work? Maybe this maybe that...I'll never know and no one will ever have the answer.
The day of my first prenatal appointment, the day I found out the baby had stopped developing and had no heartbeat, I wrote in my (handwritten) journal. I wrote that if it was a girl I wanted to name her Carly...4, maybe 5 nights later Kevin and I were laying in bed and he told me, "by the way, I think Carly is a beautiful name." He had read my journal.
And with that I sign off, its a segway for tomorrow's entry...
I'm broke.
I'm jobless.
I'm technically homeless.
I'm a mom.
My 24th birthday is in less then 6 weeks.
I feel stuck.
I feel stupid.
I feel alone.
I feel...sad.
I don't even know where to start. I got on here in hopes that writing would help me releave some of my stresses and tension but I don't know if I'm hitting a writer's block or if it's every thought and emotion is hitting the front of my brain that I don't know where to start...
Maybe one thing at a time? An entry a day to keep a therapist away? (yes I've been considering getting a therapist).
I'm gonna start with the miscarriage first. Pretty much because I just finished watching Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant and now that stupid broad and Brady Bunch dude are talking about babies. Babies, Babies, Babies. They're every where. And if its not babies, it's cute little pregnant women. I still see it as everything happens for a reason and whatever that reason is that nature, God, fate or Krama ended the pregnancy....but....I'm still very heartbroken about it. When ever I see a dad and a baby together I think of Kevin and what could have been our child. The wonderful, beautiful moments that I thought I'd see and now I won't ever....... The "secrets" and rumors I continue to hear within our social circle. Who knows if Kevin started them or if they're just what bits and pieces of truth morphed into bullshit. 1) I lost the baby because I had an eating disorder. 2) I got an abortion behind Kevin's back. How vicious. How fucking rude. I understand people making assumptions, I'm guilty of making my own about my own friends, but you neeeever voice them because then those assumptions become rumors and rumors hurt people. Knowing my own body (or a higher power of some sort) rejected the baby hurts me, eats at me. The guilt that comes with that knowing my body took that from Kevin...one thing he admitted to me (and others) was as scared as he was, he was looking forward to it. He had buckled up for the emotional rollarcoaster of parenthood but I was basically the one who told him he couldn't ride it.
I know it's not my fault but at the same time, I can't help but feel like it is. No one else was carrying the baby. I was. Maybe things would be different if I was eating better before I found out I was pregnant (I dabbled in my old eating disorder ways probably about 2 months before I found out I was pregnant, so maybe about a month of the pregnancy I wasn't eating that great, but I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant...)? Maybe if I didn't get so emotional when Kevin and I broke up? Maybe if I quit smoking instead of cut back? Maybe if I didn't overwork myself at work? Maybe this maybe that...I'll never know and no one will ever have the answer.
The day of my first prenatal appointment, the day I found out the baby had stopped developing and had no heartbeat, I wrote in my (handwritten) journal. I wrote that if it was a girl I wanted to name her Carly...4, maybe 5 nights later Kevin and I were laying in bed and he told me, "by the way, I think Carly is a beautiful name." He had read my journal.
And with that I sign off, its a segway for tomorrow's entry...