Dear Mun
By doing so little for me in my life, you still have succeeded in having a tremendous influence in who I am today. And even though I cannot remember the distinct moment you walked out of my world, I can still feel it's monumental effect etched in every piece of me. Your departure was like a thread being ripped from a piece of cloth, it's absence shown by the gaping space where it once was; the result a pinched and frazzled fabric, forever marked by the single missing thread.
And so you sit there in your living room, countless miles away, crying on the phone to me, feeling pity for yourself. Allowing your guilt to continue to ruin your opportunity to know me. It's not too late to repair your bad choices, but yet you continue to be a ghost to me. How dare you? How could you remain so selfish? With all these years that have passed, you still cannot dredge up the strength to be a mother to your daughter? And now I carry my own child and feel even more disgust towards you.
How could you? How could you? How could you? How could you? How could you?
I became a person inside of you. I am part of you, you live in me, I live in you. And now I doubt myself. I wonder if I will have that missing motherly instinct. Because truly what you have is some sort of genetic abnormality. It is in our nature as human beings to protect our offspring. So I arrive back at the conclusion that you are missing some vital component of human nature. What if you have passed this on to me? I am so afraid I will not be good mother because of you. I am petrified that although I now feel confident in my love and devotion for my unborn child, I will somehow turn into you once they are born. What if, like me, you also felt all the "normal" emotions of a mother like love, loyalty and nurturing while you carried me, but when I was born, it all dissolved?
I try to move my life forward as an adult and fill in all these empty holes in my heart which you have dug across oceans and decades of my life, but it seems I cannot escape you. It seems that living without you has defined a piece of me, and as my words surely spell out clearly, I am BITTER. This bitterness is eatng me inside and not allowing me to see clearly, even when something is right before my very eyes.
I want to forget you and move on with building myself into a better person and enriching my life with meaning, but you are always there in the corner of my mind reminding me of who you are and what I have become.
And so you sit there in your living room, countless miles away, crying on the phone to me, feeling pity for yourself. Allowing your guilt to continue to ruin your opportunity to know me. It's not too late to repair your bad choices, but yet you continue to be a ghost to me. How dare you? How could you remain so selfish? With all these years that have passed, you still cannot dredge up the strength to be a mother to your daughter? And now I carry my own child and feel even more disgust towards you.
How could you? How could you? How could you? How could you? How could you?
I became a person inside of you. I am part of you, you live in me, I live in you. And now I doubt myself. I wonder if I will have that missing motherly instinct. Because truly what you have is some sort of genetic abnormality. It is in our nature as human beings to protect our offspring. So I arrive back at the conclusion that you are missing some vital component of human nature. What if you have passed this on to me? I am so afraid I will not be good mother because of you. I am petrified that although I now feel confident in my love and devotion for my unborn child, I will somehow turn into you once they are born. What if, like me, you also felt all the "normal" emotions of a mother like love, loyalty and nurturing while you carried me, but when I was born, it all dissolved?
I try to move my life forward as an adult and fill in all these empty holes in my heart which you have dug across oceans and decades of my life, but it seems I cannot escape you. It seems that living without you has defined a piece of me, and as my words surely spell out clearly, I am BITTER. This bitterness is eatng me inside and not allowing me to see clearly, even when something is right before my very eyes.
I want to forget you and move on with building myself into a better person and enriching my life with meaning, but you are always there in the corner of my mind reminding me of who you are and what I have become.