Post #24

[seoulfulness]

Fics (#23)

The Weather Channel infinite, woohyun/sunggyu
Sharing the Stage 4minute/after school/kara/secret/sistar
and i'm joining up the dots exo, kai/d.o
i'll follow you until you love me exo, gen
grip block b, b-bomb/zico
untitled btob, hyunsik/sungjae
we are infinite shinee, gen
start over reply 1997, joonhee/yoonjae
wonderful tonight b1a4/

Comments

exo, kai/suho; nothing worth remembering [1]

[anonymous]

Jongin remembers.

He remembers that it was their first year of high school, when Taemin told him that he'd got a girlfriend, that he'd got a girlfriend named Soojung. He knew Soojung - they shared quite a few classes. She was clever, but loved to laugh. Her eyes would sparkle, crescent-shaped and smiling, as her laughter and voice rippled throughout otherwise silent rooms. Jongin realized that it was the same way Taemin laughed - and he liked the way Taemin laughed. It was pleasant, Jongin thought. He ignored the nagging feeling of something more lasting, something deeper, because he simply didn't have a name for it.

It came back, though. When he saw Taemin, or Soojung, or the goddamned both of them together, it came back. And it hurt - but what hurt most was not knowing why it did.

-

Jongin remembers.

Joonmyun, his name was. He wasn’t like Taemin or Soojung, that was for sure. And Jongin liked that. He thought that maybe it was time he got to know different people, people that didn't make him hurt.

Jongin remembers that Joonmyun was the first person to make him smile. It wasn't for much, really, just a silly photo taken with costumed mascots on a free weekend spent at Lotte World with four of Joonmyun’s friends - an outing Joonmyun had insisted Jongin come along to only weeks after their first meeting in a literature class. ‘It’s no use spending your four years here friendless,’ he’d said. And he’d smiled, so Jongin said yes.

Although it was common knowledge that Joonmyun cared about everybody, Jongin liked to think that Joonmyun cared about him a little bit more. He didn’t know whether it was true, but it was a fact that somehow brought him satisfaction.

It was Joonmyun that had taught Jongin expression. He’d sketch what people looked like when they were happy - he'd sketch what people looked like when they were sad. He'd sketch all the inbetweens, as well, because he believed that there were always several ways to saying something.

It made Jongin feel good. Good, because Joonmyun was there, and good because he could put a name to some feelings.

Jongin would call Joonmyun at night, just to talk. He always wondered as to whether Joonmyun felt tired; managing strenuous medicine classes and university student representative meetings must've taken a toll on the older boy. But whenever Joonmyun picked up, there seemed to be a smile in his voice, and Jongin would start talking. Joonmyun would listen, silently - and Jongin was used to the silence, because he knew it was natural and most of all, content.

'Joonmyun-hyung, what does love feel like?' Jongin had asked once.

'It's different for lots of people,' Joonmyun had begun by saying, after a minute of silence, 'but for me, it feels secure. Like there's always that one person to come back to, that makes you feel like you're worth something no matter what you do - obviously, if you're not doing anything stupid, that is.' Jongin smiled wryly.

'Continue?' he’d ventured.

'Well, that's if your love turns out right,' Joonmyun had said, somewhat matter-of-factly. 'There's… not-so-right love as well, I guess, if I can put it that way. Love that makes you hurt like there's something in your stomach because you want to have that person to come back to, make you feel like you're worth something, but they don't want you. In that way. Or maybe someone else has that person in the way you want them, and you start hurting because of that?'

Jongin hadn't replied. 'It's getting late,' Joonmyun had said. And then - 'What's wrong, Jongin?'

‘I think I’m in love,’ Jongin had whispered, shocked to the core of his bones. Realization suffocated him like debris over a murky lake ‘I think I’m in love, and I think I’m scared of it.’

Re: exo, kai/suho; nothing worth remembering [2]

[anonymous]

He didn’t like appearing this way in front of Joonmyun. It felt all too naked, raw. And Jongin hated it. He hated exposing himself to Joonmyun - or to anybody, even himself. Pretenses stopped emotion. Emotion was only trouble. It had always been easier to hide, to escape.

But he’d said yes when Joonmyun asked if he wouldn’t mind him staying the night. When Joonmyun had put his arm around Jongin that night, Jongin had made no move to change it. He’d breathed in the scent of Joonmyun, of comfort and warmth and something stable. He’d buried himself into Joonmyun’s neck, breathing slowly evening in the warmth.

And the next morning, he’d hated himself for it. Joonmyun had seemed brighter that morning, pouring Jongin cereal and milk and giving him an affectionate hair ruffle before they took their seats for the exam. ‘Good luck,’ he’d said, with that twinkle in his eye Jongin now loathed himself for noticing. He hadn’t replied.

Calls to Joonmyun had stopped. He’d changed seats during literature class. He had told himself that it was no use staying, when he could run away and forget.

-

But Jongin remembers. And it still hurts.

‘You said you wanted to tell me something over dinner?’ Joonmyun asks, ever-concerned. It’s been three years out of university. Contact’s been minimal within their entire friend circle as a whole - dinners have come and gone, because there is only one thing worth remembering, the one thing Jongin needs to forget.

His mouth is dry. Breath hitches, stilling in his ribcage until it feels like there’s no more. He remembers that Joonmyun had said there were many ways to saying one thing. Maybe he could kiss Joonmyun, right then and there. Maybe he could write Joonmyun a letter. Or maybe he could wait for Joonmyun to realize, because the truth is that Jongin's scared; scared of himself, scared of love, and maybe Joonmyun is the one who can make it alright.

‘Nothing,’ Jongin manages. ‘Nothing worth remembering.’

Joonmyun smiles.

/orz anon it's four in the morning and i really did try T_T

Re: exo, kai/suho; nothing worth remembering [2]

[anonymous]

Oh, this is heartbreaking :( In a delicious way :(