10 Encounters
In Which Kyuhyun is a Drug Addict, and Siwon Loses His Faith
10 Encounters
Start Date: 12/28/11
Finished: 1/2/12
*~*1*~*
Late October 2007, Sunday
It all starts on a cold, Sunday morning in October.
The church pews are nearly empty, as they usually were at the century old building. The handful of members there were children of the original members who first started the congregation. Now parents themselves, grandparents even, tradition kept them attending every Sunday; their children and grandchildren have long ago left to find their own religion or abandon it all together.
Choi Siwon is rigidly sitting by his mother’s side. Her fingers are short and bony, blue veins visible beneath the skin, but Siwon knows better than anyone that she was far from the frail woman she appeared to be. In a mere 4 months, he’ll be 26, plenty old enough to be finding a woman to settle done with and marry. But here he is, like routine, sitting next to his mother still afraid of her wrath if he ever implies he doesn’t want to come with her.
When he was a young boy at 14, just barely past puberty, he made the life-changing mistake of coming out to his very religious mother. Any teasing he might have received from kids his age were compliments compared to the way she cursed his existence. A child his age should never had had to hear his mother express how she regretted giving birth to such an abomination.
Suddenly, he can’t really blame his father for leaving them years ago.
That year is the beginning of his own personal hell as he’s subjected to multiple bible studies, hell and brimstone studies that create a high level of fear in the teenager's mind. The next step in his “cleansing process” is a 6-week reparative getaway, otherwise known as Straight Camp. To his dismay, the camp doesn’t stop his unnatural thoughts, but he promises himself that he’ll never act on his desires.
For good measure, his mother enrolls him into a private Christian school and makes sure he applies only to Christian colleges. By age 23, he was fully qualified to be a preacher, but his mother told him that even with all his training, God would never approve if he were to teach others, being what he was. She was right; she always was.
Considering he brings the average age of the church down quite a bit, he’s very interested in the young man who walks in late that cool Sunday morning, wearing no more than a t-shirt, shorts, and slippers, all which had seen better days. The intruder seems unfazed by the way the whole congregation turns and shoots him dirty looks; even the preacher slightly stutters in his speech. Who wouldn’t be caught off-guard by this handsome boy who looked like he hadn’t showered in days? The young man takes a seat near the back, not perturbed by the way the old wooden seat squeaks. His tired eyes search the crowd, landing on Siwon’s curious gaze. They stare at each other for a few seconds before the young man slouches down in his seat and closes his eyes.
Our Father, which art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. For the first time in years, Siwon’s stomach is starting to turn in a way that makes him feel ashamed. A hand squeezes his knee, and he quickly turns back to face the preacher who has resumed his lesson. In the corner of his eye, he can see his mother’s lips pressed tightly together. Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done. Suppressing these feelings used to be easier, but he recites the prayer 5 times in his head before he can stop the butterflies.
Maybe it’s all for the better that when the service is over and he turns to catch another glimpse of the man, he’s gone.
*~*2*~*
November 2007, Sunday
Three weeks later, Siwon sits in his usual spot next to his mother, clutching a slightly too small jacket. Since that first Sunday, the (most likely) homeless young man has been consistently attending (more sleeping, than paying attention) the church in those same dirty and torn clothes that the elderly women have been whispering about to each other. Feeling that there had to be some reason he was so drawn to the man (besides the remnants of his old ways), he had convinced his mother that God was telling him to help this boy. In his closet, he had found an old jacket that didn’t fit him anymore and had hopes of giving it to the young man as an icebreaker.
After service is over, Siwon’s delighted to see that the man is still sleeping in the back pew. His arms are crossed in a defensive position as if he’s ready to awake at any time. As Siwon approaches, he takes notice of the sleeping man’s dark roots, which are peaking from beneath his sandy brown hair. Though from a distance he looks very young, up close Siwon can see that his cheeks are slightly sunken in, well-complimenting his too thin frame.
Black eyes pierce into his as he gets closer, confirming his suspicious that the younger was an alert sleeper. “What do you want?” he snaps in a rich, velvety voice that makes Siwon weak at the knees. Instead of using all the Christian training he’s ever been taught, he dumbly holds out the jacket, hoping to get his point across. “No thank you, I’m just here to sleep.”
“It’s cold outside, you’ll get sick.” The young man shrugs, but takes the jacket anyway, mumbling a word of thanks. “Would you like to eat lunch at my house?” In his mind, he shifts through any possible way he can invite the man without making him feel like a charity case. “It’s just that my mother makes so much on Sundays, and it’s always a pleasure to have a guest.” Yeah. That was better.
Long, bony fingers run through the tangled mass of hair as the young man considers the words. Siwon can feel eyes looking him over, and his face starts to heat up. Now, he just wants to take back his offer and pretend this never happened, but fate (God perhaps) has more in store when the brunette nods and agrees to lunch.
“Oh.” He can’t really hide his surprise and the way his eyebrows arch into his hair. “Well, good. My name is Siwon, Choi Siwon.” His hand stretches out in a friendly gesture, but his acquaintance eyes it skeptically.
“Kyuhyun.”
-
Dirty looks are shot across the table during the whole meal. Siwon’s mother is looking at Kyuhyun as if he’s infested with bugs. Kyuhyun returns similar looks but doesn’t slow down his rapid pace of eating.
After lunch, Siwon offers Kyuhyun a change of clothes and a shower. The younger man gladly accepts and disappears as he washes the dishes.
“I don’t like his sort,” his mother softly comments from the doorway.
Siwon sighs and rolls up the sleeves of his white dress shirt. “Mother, I’ve told you, I think I’m suppose to help him.”
“He’s not the sort you can help. Didn’t you see the marks on his arms and the way he kept shaking? That boy is an addict; he’ll only bring you down.”
He’s quiet because, yes, he did see the scars and odd behavior, and it makes him sad to think why such a beautiful boy would get involved in something so heavy.
By the time he’s finished with the dishes, his hands are red and raw from the hot water, and he’s recited the Lord’s Prayer at least 4 times.
-
Kyuhyun’s absolutely drowning in the borrowed set of clothes as he looks around Siwon’s large bedroom. After a shower, he looks less aged than before, but nothing could hide the fact that he was skin and bones. Siwon notes that he’s still wearing the jacket.
“You’re rich?” he asks, in a slightly teasing tone when his host returns. Siwon half-shrugs, half-nods. The younger man has an unreadable expression and mutters something that sounds like ‘Of course, they always are’.
“Do you need a place to stay? We have a guest room on the other side of the house. We hardly have guests so it wouldn’t be a burden if you needed to stay for a while.” To anyone else, it would be obvious what Siwon is implying, but to the speaker, his mind was still fairly innocent.
“How much money will you give me?” Kyuhyun wraps his arms around himself and sits on the soft bed in the middle of the room.
Siwon frowns, confused. “You need money? For what?”
“Well, if you’re supporting my habit and paying for sex, I’ll need at least 87,000 won a week. Maybe 150,000 for clothes and shit, unless you want to provide that.”
Just the curse word is enough to make Siwon stutter, but the entire topic makes him choke on air. “What?”
Kyuhyun lifts an eyebrow and scrutinizes the man standing in front of him as if he’s the one who should be embarrassed for not understanding. “You’re buying me, aren’t you? Rich types like you want convenient relationships, and I need money. Both of us benefit.”
“N-no!” he sputters. “I don’t want to have s- relations with you. I just want to honestly help you out and show you the love of God.”
The laugh that comes from the younger man is bitter and cold. “I don’t need or want that. But thanks for the meal and clothes.” He stands up and collects his old clothes and slips his feet into his slippers. “See you around… or not, Siwon-ssi.”
Never has his named sounded so songlike coming from anyone. He wants to hear those lips say his name over and over again.
“Wait! I-I can still give you the money. Just hold on.” Kyuhyun opens his mouth to protest, but Siwon is already running out of the room, grabbing a coat and shoes, and heading to the nearest ATM.
The large room is vacant when he returns. Angrily, he throws the roll of bills onto his desk and rests his balled fists on the sides of his head.
Our Father, which art in Heaven…
*~*3*~*
February 2008, Sunday
He doesn’t see Kyuhyun again until 3 and a half months later. Siwon would like to say that the younger man has completely left his mind, but that would be a lie. There’s snow on the ground this time of year, but Kyuhyun’s still wearing the thin clothes and jacket that Siwon recognizes as his own. His mother stiffens beside him when Kyuhyun takes the initiative to approach them after church.
“Could I have lunch with you, Siwon-ssi?” Though he looks exhausted and possibly skinnier than before, he’s smiling and it warms every bit of Siwon’s insides.
“We would love for you to join us,” he takes it upon himself to answer for his mother who’s surely pulling a sour face.
-
“I used to be really good in school. Top of my class all through high school.” The two of them are lying on Siwon’s bed, not touching, but close enough if they wanted to. They’d been exchanging stories since lunch, reminiscing on the past. “I used to sing, too. Won a few competitions, but I didn’t like the attention it was giving me. Fan girls, y’know? They always knew where I was at school, and it drove me absolutely mad. You probably had admirers too.”
“A few.” They didn’t interest me, he doesn’t want to admit. “Can I hear you sing?”
Kyuhyun rolls onto his side and thinks for a moment. Softly, he sings a few lines of an old 80s ballad he remembers from his childhood. Letting his eyes slip shut, Siwon listens to the strong, almost sensual voice. What price could he pay to bottle this perfection?
Perfection. Did it really exist? In a perfect world, he would have been born liking women like he was supposed to. Or maybe in a perfect world, it would be okay for him to like other boys. To be with Kyuhyun. If he believed in reincarnation, maybe in another life Kyuhyun would be clean and sober, and they could live together as a couple accepted by society. But he knows fairy tales aren’t real and can never be real.
At some point during Kyuhyun’s singing, Siwon falls asleep. When he wakes up, his wallet is clear of the 150,000 won he had taken to carrying around. He’s not upset, but he wishes Kyuhyun would have asked instead of resulting to stealing.
*~*4*~*
April 2008, Sunday
“What’s this?” Kyuhyun turns over the small wrapped box in his hands and looks up at Siwon.
“A late birthday present.”
“My birthday’s in February.”
“Very late.”
Kyuhyun shakes his head but tears the paper off the gift. “A phone?” Siwon nods and takes the box from the younger man to open it for him.
“I don’t have any way of contacting you, so I got this as a present. In case you ever need me, you can call. Or if you need to call any of your other friends?” They’ve only met each other 3 times before, so Siwon’s not very sure of Kyuhyun’s social life. Perhaps the only people he associates with are the one that keep him bound to his habit.
“I live with my friends; I don’t need to call them.”
“Oh?” He raises his eyebrow. He’s always assumed Kyuhyun was homeless, as he always needed a shower whenever he saw him, and he always ate like he hadn’t in days. “They must be good friends.”
Kyuhyun nods and takes the phone from his friend (at least, Siwon hopes they’re close) and stares at the one name in his contact list. Experimentally, he presses the name and the room is filled with a church choir singing a gospel song. “So you have my number. But don’t call me first, okay? Don’t.”
There’s so much force in Kyuhyun’s voice, so Siwon has no choice but to nod. After agreeing, things seem to return to normal, as far as Kyuhyun’s emotions go.
-
They spend the day talking to each other. In another time, Siwon’s sure they would have been best friends. In a time where he wasn’t basically cut off from the outside world for 10 years.
Today, he discovers the younger’s love for online gaming. He used to dedicate any extra free time to his hobby, earning his place on the top of multiple game boards. In high school, he used to have 3 different laptops for his gaming, and he could be on all 3 at one time trying to kill enemies. Eventually, after his drug habit started, he started selling anything he could get his hands on, except for his computers. In the end, his need to uphold his heroin addiction led him to sell his most prized possessions.
“What else are you using?” He’s surprised at how steady his voice still sounds when Kyuhyun is literally resting on his arm and looking into his eyes. Lying on his bed may not have been the best choice when his feelings were flaring up like this.
“Anything I can get my hands on,” he easily admits. “I dabble with cocaine, but I don’t want to be dependent on that shit. I only use ecstasy tablets for sex if I don’t have enough money; makes it easier to go through.”
“Don’t you wish you could live for something else?”
“Like God?” Kyuhyun snorts and rolls onto his side to face Siwon. “I like the rush the drugs give me. They make me feel alive for once in my life.” Slowly, giving the older man plenty time to move, Kyuhyun leans forward and places a light kiss on Siwon’s bottom lip. “You don’t look a thing like Jesus.”
Siwon’s confused, but it doesn’t last long before Kyuhyun’s kissing him again. The Lord’s Prayer is completely forgotten as he kisses back, tentatively, feeling every bit of the 26-year-old virgin he is.
*~*5*~*
Late April 2008, Friday night
On most Friday nights, Siwon can usually be found in his room, reading a religious book, strengthening his faith. This particular day, he can only stare at the cover of his book, thinking about Kyuhyun as he has everyday since the kiss.
That night his body chose to act in a way that physically felt right, but ever since his mind has been in constant conflict. First off, he doesn’t think he should be thinking about it so much because afterwards, Kyuhyun asked for money and immediately left after he got it.
But he wouldn’t do that just for money, right? Kyuhyun had to care about him in some way.
He shakes his head, trying to rid it of that thought. Is he a teenaged girl now, fantasizing about her crush? Well, he is extremely inexperienced. In middle school, there was a certain boy he had a deep crush on before he came out to his mother, but since then he’s tried to not think about matters of the heart. Just 7 months ago, he had accepted the fact that he would live taking care of his mother, and then afterwards he would probably be a missionary in a foreign country. How could he let a drug addict, of all people, throw him off course?
Gospel music sounds through the room, bringing Siwon out of his thoughts. The name on the caller id makes his heart jump. “Hello?” He’s mildly embarrassed at how excited he sounds to actually hear from the younger.
“Siwon-ssi?” The smooth voice can barely be heard through the commotion on his end of the phone. “I’m sorry to bother you, but can you come get me?” Normally strong and unwavering, his voice is very timid and it sounds like he’s been crying.
Already sliding his feet into his shoes, Siwon picks up his car keys and exits his room. “Where are you? I’ll be right there.
“Ah, just pick me up from the church, okay?”
It takes Siwon all of 10 minutes to reach the destination where Kyuhyun is sobbing, his eye black and dried blood caked in his dark hair. Siwon cringes at the way Kyuhyun limps to the car, choosing to lay in the back seat, bawling miserably.
“Should I take you to the hospital?” No words could ever describe the hurt he feels seeing the younger in so much pain.
“N-no! No. Just- Let’s go to your house and sleep, okay?” Against his better judgment, Siwon turns the car around and heads towards his house, Kyuhyun pathetically crying the whole way.
Siwon offers Kyuhyun a piggyback ride once they get back to his house and he sees just how exhausted he is. During the short walk to the guest room, the quiet sniffing stops and slow even breaths on the back of his neck tell him that Kyuhyun’s asleep. Not wanting to wake him, Siwon carefully lies sideways on the guestroom bed. Kyuhyun arms and legs are still wrapped around him, which his body immediately reacts to. It takes a full hour to talk himself down, and by that time Kyuhyun’s awake, prodding at Siwon’s back to get him to turn over.
“I’m sorry I called you so late. I just… panicked, I guess.” He puts Siwon’s arm around his midsection and cuddles closer to him. Siwon is praying that his pounding heart can’t be heard from this close proximity.
“No, no, it’s perfectly okay… may I ask what happened?”
Kyuhyun hums and closes his eyes. “I was raped.” Siwon’s eyes widen to the size of cup saucers at the words and at how easily the young man can say it. “It’s far from the first time, but usually I’m as high as fuck. But I’ve been low on resources lately, so I promised to sleep with this guy if he’d pay me. We went to some shitty hotel, and while he was in the bathroom getting ready, I noticed he left his wallet on the nightstand so of course it was an opportunity to just take the money and run, but there wasn’t anything in his wallet, not even a credit card. So, I tried to leave, but he came out of the bathroom and got angry…” He sighs and clings to Siwon’s t-shirt. “Can I stay here for the night?”
“Of course… do you need anything? Are you hungry?”
“I’m fine… I just wanna sleep. Stay with me?”
“Yeah… yes, of course.”
-
Waking up alone with an empty wallet is something that hardly rattles Siwon when he wakes up early the next morning. Kyuhyun isn’t one to stay overnight, and he’ll always have other priorities that he’ll deal with first before he even starts to regret stealing from his friend.
Kyuhyun walking back into the room 15 minutes later is quite a shock though. This marks the first time he’s ever seen the addict two days in a row. His eyes seem to have a little more life than they did last night, but they’re slightly unfocused which leads Siwon to believe Kyuhyun bought more poison to fuel his system.
“I bought you a bagel while I was out, but I ate it on my way back,” the young man sheepishly admits as he slides back into bed and into Siwon’s arms.
“Kyuhyun-ssi… I feel like I’m supporting your habit, and it’s hurting you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Kyuhyun sits up and considers the man beside him for a moment. “You would never hurt me,” he decides to answer. Siwon pulls away from the kiss Kyuhyun initiates and looks him dead in the eye.
“I love you.”
The laugh the young man lets out is light and joking. “Reparative therapy didn’t work, huh?”
Siwon sits up and shyly places a closemouthed kiss on Kyuhyun’s lips. “I’m serious. I love you, Kyuhyun-ah. I want to help you get better.”
“Isn’t that against your grand teaching or something?” He arches an eyebrow.
“I want to help you get better,” again, he repeats. How can he admit that he’s beginning to doubt everything he’s been taught? In his mind, he questions why God would ever curse him with his thoughts for other men if it was so wrong. And how was being in love wrong? Love gave him the happiest, purest feeling he’s ever felt in his life.
“I don’t want that kind of help.”
“Then what kind of help do you want? I’ll do anything.” Siwon looks at Kyuhyun with wide innocent eyes which makes the latter revel in the sudden contrast when his hand slides down the older’s chest and rests on the belt of the pants he slept in. The inner conflict Siwon’s having is very obvious as his eyes dart all over the room, anywhere but the man in front of him. In the end, he nods and kisses Kyuhyun again. “Y-yes, I can do that. Anything.”
But it hurts a lot more when he wakes up late afternoon, the other side of the other bed long cold.
On Sunday, he attends church, but he can’t find it in himself to participate in the hymns praising God for all their blessings. When they get home, his mother slaps him across the face.
*~*6*~*
Late August 2008, Tuesday
Scenes of their last meeting runs on repeat through Siwon’s mind. How could they not? That night even though Kyuhyun had bottomed, he dominated the whole event. He literally left marks that faded away at the start of May. As the younger man bounced in his lap, a flood of obscenities spilling from his lips, Siwon still thought no voice could ever sound as beautiful.
Throughout the whole act all he can do is profess how much he loves the other man, but he never hears it back. More than anything he just wants to hear those words said back to him. For those words to come from Kyuhyun’s lips.
But he hasn’t seen or heard from the addict in almost 4 months, and he’s starting to hate himself for believing he could fix Kyuhyun or that his love would be reciprocated.
He’s losing faith. Faith that clinging to his religion would bring him some sort of happiness that acting on his impulses wouldn’t. He can barely remember the last time his life felt complete and joyous. Maybe junior high? Before he knew his crush was wrong and seeing that boy had him looking forward to the next day.
Life became much too complicated after he met Kyuhyun.
What’s stopping from leaving his mother’s house and going somewhere to create his own happiness? Guilt. A responsibility to his mother. Hope that a certain man would come back.
A knock on his bedroom door surprises him. Usually, his mother will just barge in, justifying her actions by reminding him that this was her house. “Come in,” he says softly, probably sounding as sad as he feels.
Kyuhyun bounds into the room and sits on Siwon’s bed as if he hasn’t been missing the whole summer, and as if he hadn’t most likely broken into the house. “Siwon-ssi, lend me some money, mmm?”
“No.”
The smile vanishes from the younger’s face. “Why not? You always do when I ask. You love me, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do love you, and I wish you wouldn’t use that to guilt me into anything.”
“Do you want to come with me?”
It’s Siwon’s turn to be shocked. “You want me… to come with you… to buy drugs.” Kyuhyun nods and holds Siwon’s gaze as he stares in disbelief. “Yeah, okay, I’ll come with you.”
-
In movies, drug houses were always extremely seedy with little to no light. Addicts were crowded in the small dark space, shamelessly getting high and having sex. The place Kyuhyun takes him to though, is very clean and normal. Nothing he could ever believe to imagine was a huge place for drug distribution.
Inside is a man who hardly could be older than Kyuhyun, but he has an air of authority around him. Siwon’s chest painfully tightens when Kyuhyun hugs and kisses the man in front of him.
“Changmin-ah,” Kyuhyun pouts, “I don’t have any money today.”
“We can work around that, don’t worry.” The lewd way he grabs and kneads the younger’s backside makes Siwon want to throw up. “But who’s your friend?”
Kyuhyun irritably looks back at Siwon as if he’s interrupted something important. “He’s just a friend. He’s good, forget about him.”
For the next half hour, Siwon sits in the front room of the house, subjected to the sounds of pleasure coming from the bedroom. His hands are shaking as he listens to the voice of the man he loves, begging to be fucked by someone else.
Kyuhyun’s still dressing when he exits the bedroom. On his hips are red marks in the shape of fingers that are sure to leave bruises and new angry needle marks on his arms, but Kyuhyun looks happy and drags Siwon away from the house that will forever be burned into his nightmares.
“Are you gonna cry?” Siwon shakes his head, but he’s close. “If you keep loving me, you’ll cry yourself to death. So, cut that stupid shit out.”
This must be what his hell is like, Siwon thinks.
*~*7*~*
October 2008, Monday
Kyuhyun looks peaceful when he sleeps, like he has no troubles in the world. Siwon runs a finger down the pale nose and over his acne-scarred cheeks. His lips are white and chapped, but still full like they always were. Earlier, Kyuhyun called asking for help again; this time he was running from the police. Changmin’s operation had recently been shut down and he had given the police a list of names to lessen his sentence. There was a warrant out for Kyuhyun's arrest on the basis of drug possession and prostitution.
In all honesty, Siwon thinks the jail time would be good for the younger man. Force him to give up the drugs and get his life on track. But he loves Kyuhyun so much and turning him into jail is the last thing he would do.
A low groan escapes Kyuhyun’s lips as he wakes up and moves his limbs around. “Ugh, I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster. What time is it?”
Siwon glances at the clock next to his bed. “About 2 in the afternoon. Will you be alright?”
“As always.” His eyes open and he stares into Siwon’s wide ones. “You have pretty eyes.” God, he wishes Kyuhyun would stop doing this to him. Since their last encounter, the younger has been sending text messages, very flirty text messages. But yet, if Siwon was to reply ‘I love you’, he would be sent back a very brief ‘Fuck you’. Nowadays, he’s not quite sure exactly who Kyuhyun is. “Have you ever been on a rollercoaster, Siwon-ssi?”
“A few times,” Siwon nods. “Why?”
Kyuhyun sits up and looks at Siwon with eager eyes. “Can we go to an amusement park? I’ve never been. It’ll be like a date.” He really should have said no.
-
The amusement park is fun, Siwon supposes, but he hates/loves the way Kyuhyun holds his hand and pulls him over to every ride and to every booth to eat sweets he hardly gets the chance to eat.
To others, part of Siwon hopes they look like a happy couple. Kyuhyun’s wearing a pair of black sweatpants, a white t-shirt, and a black jacket, all from Siwon’s closet. The clothes do nothing more than make him look skinnier than he already is, but the younger man doesn’t seem to mind. He looks happier than Siwon’s ever seen him, and he hopes he’s the one giving him that happiness.
After they get off the rollercoaster for the 5th time, Kyuhyun takes Siwon’s hand again and pulls him away from the lights, away from all the people, and towards a low stone wall that poorly separate the park’s property from a small thicket of trees.
Kyuhyun grins like a child as he climbs onto the wall and walks along it as if he’s on a tightrope. His arms flail wildly as he tries to keep his balance, but in the end he has to jump off before he falls and takes a seat next to Siwon.
“You’re happier than I’ve ever seen you.”
“I am. I feel amazing.” He rests his head on Siwon’s shoulder and reclaims his hand. “Thank you for taking me here.”
“Is that what’s making you so happy?”
“Mmhmm. And while you were getting us cotton candy, I saw my old dealer!” Siwon frowns. “His prices are a little high, but I told him about my situation and he said I could live with him. Isn’t that great?” Kyuhyun bounces and holds onto Siwon’s hand tighter. “Let’s get out of here.” He hops up and tugs on the older man’s hand. “We can go back to your house and you can fuck me.”
Siwon quickly retracts his hand and looks at Kyuhyun, completely bewildered. “Did he give you something?”
Glazed over eyes look back at him, and the smile on his face never leaves. “Yeah! He gave me a speedball for free! Well, not completely free; I have to do some favors for him later, but this shit is incredible.”
“You’re high.” Siwon shakes his head in astonishment and starts to walk away. Why does he still love this man so much? This man who can’t do anything but hurt him.
“Where are you going? Aren’t we gonna have some fun?”
“No.” Siwon stops in his tracks but doesn’t turn around. “There’s nothing fun about it because you’re so high that you probably won’t even remember anything. And I love you too much to just use you for pleasure,” he quietly admits.
Kyuhyun scoffs and folds his arms. “You’re a stupid bitch, you know that?” The taller man turns around and glances at Kyuhyun, whose smile is completely gone. In fact, he looks furious. “There’s no reason you should love me. I don’t want you to love me. If you’re gonna constantly act like a jealous lover around me, then do me a favor and leave me the hell alone.”
With all the strength he can muster, Kyuhyun takes out the mobile phone Siwon bought for him months ago and throws it down onto the pavement. As he walks away, Siwon stares at the remains of the expensive phone. Just like the phone, the little faith he had left is broken beyond repair. Kyuhyun couldn’t be helped.
*~*8*~*
April 2009, Tuesday
The Bible in his hands taunts him, saying he’s the last person on the face of the Earth who should be receiving such a gift. “Thank you, Mother.” He looks up at the older woman and smiles, hoping his acting is good enough to keep her from questioning him.
“You’re welcome, honey. With that whore of an addict gone, you can finally answer to your calling. Happy Birthday.” She kisses his forehead and exits his room, probably to throw his bags outside.
When he confessed to his mother that he lost his faith, she hit him so hard that her fingernails dug into his cheek and left 4 distinct and permanent scars in his right cheek. She had given him two months to get back on track or join the army. He was enlisting today.
Carefully, he put the gift on his bed and looked around the room. Would he miss this place? He doubts it. He’s hoping that going into the army will be good for him, and he’ll be able to forget the man he’s thought of every day for the past 7 months.
Occasionally, he checks the obituaries for Kyuhyun’s name. But he has yet to see it, so he can only assume that the man is off somewhere, living a hazy existence.
Like he guessed, his bags are on the front porch of the house when he exits. Sighing, he picks the up and loads them into the waiting taxi. Can’t keep the government waiting.
The sun is shining brighter than it has in days, contrasting greatly with Siwon’s mood as the taxi brings him closer to his future. Kids are playing in the street, middle-aged men are watering their lawns, and lovers are walking hand in hand. The world is moving on. Why can’t he?
Out of the corner of his eye he spots a familiar jacket. His jacket. The one he gave to Kyuhyun over a year ago. “Stop!” he commands, successfully scaring the driver, but he stops nonetheless. He promises to return, not really needing to since his bags are in the car, and runs back to where he sees an overweight man pulling Kyuhyun behind a store.
He reaches them in time to see the overweight man harshly forcing Kyuhyun to his knees. Kyuhyun groans at the pain, but his hands still make quick work of the man’s pants. “Can I fuck you?”
Kyuhyun nods and releases the man’s half-hard erection from his pants. “For 50,000 won more.” Siwon’s frozen in place and can only watch while the younger man sells his body.
“What kind of cheap whore charges that much this time of day, huh?” He combs his hand through Kyuhyun’s hair in a sickeningly sweet way while Kyuhyun puts his mouth to use. The man’s hips start to rock in time with Kyuhyun’s mouth and starts to choke the younger man to the point where tears start to run down his cheeks. In a flash, the man pulls out of Kyuhyun’s mouth and strikes him hard across the cheek. “Fucking slut! I’ll show you not to bite.”
Kyuhyun whimpers, but doesn’t protest when the man shoves him face first into the side of the building and easily pulls down his pants. It’s clear that Kyuhyun’s receiving no pleasure as the man relentlessly thrusts in and out of him, but he doesn’t say a word; instead, he just claws at the brick wall and abuses his bottom lip between his teeth.
Sense is knocked back into Siwon’s head as he fully realizes that he’s watching Kyuhyun being raped. “Hey!” he yells. “The police are on their way!”
The man panics and slams Kyuhyun’s head against the wall, making him cry out, and quickly pulls out. “You called the police, you piece of shit?”
“N-no,” he stutters out weakly. “P-pay me.” For good measure, the man forcefully shoves Kyuhyun to the ground before tossing a wad of bills at him. He extends a middle finger at Siwon and runs off in the opposite direction.
The sight of Kyuhyun crawling on the ground, pants still hanging off his hips, collecting the scattered bills makes Siwon’s stomach turn. Is this how Kyuhyun was doing without him? Oddly enough, he half-wishes that he had continued to provide for the addicted man. Maybe then, the young man wouldn’t still devaluing his body for a fix that would only last him a couple of days.
“Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone, you hypocritical faggot? I was doing fine without you.” Kyuhyun stands up and carefully counts the bills before readjusting his clothes. “What do you want?”
“I just. Let’s get you cleaned up, okay? No attachments, I promise, I’m just on my way out of town.” Kyuhyun looks up at Siwon through his unruly bangs and shrugs, which Siwon takes as permission. “Wait here, I’m just gonna run down to the convenience store down the street and then get you some food.” Siwon quickly runs off to get medicine for Kyuhyun’s wounds, pulling his mobile phone out on the way.
-
“I’m enlisting in the army today,” Siwon says after he swallows his mouth full of rice.
Kyuhyun nods emotionlessly and pokes at his food. “Good for you.”
“Won’t you miss me?” Siwon doesn’t really care for a reply; he’s stalling.
“We haven’t seen each other in more than half a year. What’s two more years?” He glances around the half-empty restaurant, not really enjoying the fact that he’s this close to a main street in the daylight. There’s still a warrant out for his arrest.
“You know I love you, right?” Two uniformed men enter the restaurant, out of Kyuhyun’s field of vision. “I love you more than anything, and all I want is for you to get better, whether or not you choose to be with me after.”
Kyuhyun snorts into his glass of water. “Fat chance.” The uniformed men stop in front of their table, making Kyuhyun finally noticing them and who they are. With wide eyes he looks back at Siwon whose head is bowed, his features pained. “You called the police?” No one expects the fist that flies across the table and hits Siwon square in the nose. His head reels back and the police officers lift the struggling man out of his chair to cuff his hands behind his back. “Fuck you, Siwon! I hope you know that I will never love you! I hope you die in the army! I would love nothing better than for you to be shipped back in a fucking body bag so I can come back and spit on your grave!” Those words hurt a tremendous amount more than the punch.
-
Back at home, he gives his mother some poor excuse for his bloody and broken nose and promises to enlist soon after it heals.
*~*9*~*
April 2009, Thursday
Imagine Siwon’s surprise when the police station calls him, claiming that Kyuhyun was asking to see him. At first, he considers not going because his heart just can’t take any more abuse Kyuhyun might throw at him.
But of course, he does show up, his heart already starting to ache at the sight of Kyuhyun being led to the meeting room, a thick layer of bullet proof glass between them.
“Siwon-ah…” the young man coos into the phone. “Please bail me out.”
“Are you sober?” Kyuhyun’s eyes look tired and dark eye bags compliment them, but there’s still a bit of craziness in them.
“They’re weaning me off everything, but I can do that outside of here. I promise. Bail me out, and I’ll get clean and everything. I love you.” He puts his hand on the glass and juts out his bottom lip in an attempt to win sympathy.
He’s lying. Siwon knows he is. This is just another attempt to make Siwon keep feeding his addiction that’s slowly killing him. He can’t keep killing Kyuhyun. “No.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes grow wider, knowing that his plan had fell through. “But Siwon! I love you! Please, help me.”
“I don’t believe you. And you’re the one who told me to leave you alone and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Let’s pretend not to know each other after today, okay? I hope everything works out for you.”
It takes everything Siwon has to replace the phone on its receiver and walk away from the man he still loves so deeply. Away from the man who’s pounding at the glass with tears streaming down his face, begging for help. Help Siwon could no longer give him.
*~*10*~*
31 December 2011, Saturday Night
The sound of a saxophone being played horribly drifts through the walls, blending with the cries of an infant coming from above him. Next door, the elderly neighbor is baking cookies, leaving a heavenly smell throughout Siwon’s apartment.
This had been everyday life for him the past 8 months or so. After being discharged from the army, he came out to his mother again, telling her that it wasn’t something her God could fix. A gay, faithless son had no place in her home. With his large cash pool depleted, he used what little money the army gave him to rent a cheap apartment on the lower income side of town.
He hadn’t heard from Kyuhyun since their last meeting at the jailhouse. And he still hasn’t fallen out of love with him.
As hard as he tried, his heart still fluttered just the same each time he thought of the younger man. He always wondered how he was and if jail time had sobered him up. Perhaps he just went back to the drugs after he was released; he wouldn’t put it beyond Kyuhyun.
A job as a mechanic keeps his bills paid and allowed him to keep the trimmed beard he grew to keep the scars on his cheek hidden. These days, he feels like he doesn’t have much to live for without the promise of an eternal reward or even a temporary reward of love. He’s been on a few dates, but all of them find him to be too apathetic. Life just feels too hopeless to enjoy anything. He figures he’ll become one of those old men who talks about how much he hates kids and eats nothing but pudding.
It’s New Year’s Eve, but inside of Siwon’s apartment, you wouldn’t be able to tell because he’s not one to celebrate holidays, especially the beginning of another miserable year. Tonight, his way of getting through the occasion is to drink until he can’t remember his own name.
He pulls on a blue parka and zips it all the way up, preparing himself to make the walk to the only liquor store he knows is open on New Year’s Eve. Snow is falling, and he curses himself for not wearing a jacket under the parka; he’s still freezing. At the intersection across from his destination, he steps out to cross the street, when a car speeds by nearly hitting him. Siwon jumps back, almost falling to the ground.
“Jackass!” he yells at the retreating vehicle, brushing the snow off his coat. “Fuck, it’s cold,” he comments as he continues to shiver. A black jacket is basically shoved into his face when he’s about to cross again, and he steps back to yell some more at whoever’s bothering him.
Kyuhyun smiles brightly, his eyes squinting slightly. “That doesn’t sound like your kind of language, Siwon-ssi.” A closer look at the black jacket tells him that it’s the jacket he gave to the man in front of him, 4 years ago, the first time he talked to him. The younger man looks very healthy; his cheeks are full and he no longer looks like he’ll break like a twig if someone holds him too tight. His hair is a rich burgundy and makes him look younger than he ever did before.
“How did you find me?” He takes another step back.
Kyuhyun lowers his arm and cutely pretends to think for a second. “I hired a team of private investigators and ninjas to find you.” Siwon raises an eyebrow. “It’s called a phone book, genius, and it’s very accessible online. I expected you to be at a nearby church now for the New Year’s Eve service.”
Siwon lowers his eyes and stares at the imprint of his foot where the snow is filling in. “I don’t believe in God anymore.”
“The great Shisus doesn’t believe in his own father?” Siwon rolls his eyes, but Kyuhyun laughs it off. “I’m kidding, but why don’t you believe anymore?”
“God sent me to help you, and I failed.”
“First of all, you didn’t fail. And second of all, you’re quitting your religion just because of one tiny stumble? You should know better than to think you don’t deserve to go to Heaven because of one setback.” Siwon almost laughs in disbelief; he never thought the day would come when Kyuhyun would be preaching to him.
“It’s not only that. I spent most of life trying to cure the way I’ve felt about other boys, and I was almost there. But I let myself fall away from everything I was raised to believe in. How could any god give me these unnatural feelings for another man but condemn me for acting on it? I don’t believe anymore.” He tries to cross the street again, but a hand on his elbow stops him.
“I don’t believe that… I believe there’s a God, and I don’t think he hates me for loving someone who was sent to help me.” Siwon shrugs and tries to shake the hand off his arm. “Siwon-ah, please, look at me.” He hesitantly does so but crosses his arms defensively. Kyuhyun opens his arms and wraps them around the stiff figure. “Thank you for leaving me there… I’m sorry for everything I said to you. You didn’t fail. I’m better now, and I love you.”
Siwon still doesn’t say a word or unfold his arms, but Kyuhyun can tell his defenses are breaking. “Come on.” He takes Siwon’s hand and leads him away from the liquor store, away from his joyless New Year’s Eve.
Kyuhyun takes him to a church. Sounds of singing can be heard even from outside on the sidewalk. Siwon pulls his hand away and shakes his head. “I’m not going in.”
“Then don’t, but this is where I want to spend my night.” His eyes are longing, wanting to say so much more to the older man, but instead he simply nods and enters the church alone.
He stands outside the church for half an hour, listening the harmonious singing feeling the cold night with a bit of a warm feeling. Religion is something he’s not sure he’s ready to accept back into his life yet. But how long has he waited to hear Kyuhyun say those words? How long had he tried to share his love of Jesus with the other man, only to be casually brushed off? It seemed their roles had reversed.
Kyuhyun smiles up at him when he enters the church and stiffly sits by him. His hands are firmly clasped together, and he’s starting to sweat from his nervousness and heat from his parka. The heavy coat Kyuhyun was wearing is now draping over the back of the pew in front of him, and the arms of his sweaters are pushed up, revealing the barely visible white scars along his forearms.
Covertly, Kyuhyun returns the faded black jacket he'd been holding onto for years. The choir begins to sing another hymn, and the young man opens his mouth, letting his powerful voice ring through the building.
Siwon opens his mouth, but can’t bring himself to form the words of praise. Kyuhyun gives a reassuring squeeze to his knee, continuing to belt out the words with all his heart.
That night, Siwon never can get the words out, but he does gain back a bit of his faith. A Kyuhyun-sized amount of faith.
1. IDEK OTL
2. Cut title taken from The Killer's "When You Were Young".
3. I mean no offense to any religion, I'm religious myself, and I wrote this due to frustration with my religion. No flaming please.
4. This is a result of me failing at being on hiatus.