(fic) funny people [2/2]
SAN FRANCISCO ✈ SACRAMENTO
Jongdae has a two hour show scheduled for the next night, so he spends their first day in the city on voice rest. Yixing sticks with him, making sure he doesn’t over-exert himself, under Lu Han’s instructions. The two of them still haven’t spoken, although Yixing’s hopeful they’ll have some sort of breakthrough soon because Jongdae can be stubborn, and Lu Han can hold grudges, but they’re friends before anything. The tension seems to have worn off a little, with Jongdae at least acknowledging Lu Han when he tells him about the day’s events.
“I still haven’t told him,” Yixing says an hour before showtime. He’s left Jongdae in his dressing room to warm up while he runs around the venue with Lu Han, doing last minute check-ups on things.
“What about?”
“Vegas.”
Lu Han glances at him before running his finger down some lines. “Did you want me to tell him?”
“I...I don’t know. I spoke to him but he...he was too tired to really talk, I guess.”
The agent doesn’t look up again. “We could always tell him after the show. Although I don’t think he’d be necessarily...ecstatic.”
Yixing blinks, confused. “Why wouldn’t he be?”
“Because, we made a deal that this tour would have a fixed number of dates. If we count Vegas, we’ll have to cancel one of the other stops.”
“Why would you have a fixed number of dates?” Yixing frowns. It sounds like something Jongdae would never, ever in a million years, agree to.
Lu Han bites his lip. “Reasons. Look, uh, why don’t you go back and check up on him? It’s nearly fifteen to curtain. We’ll talk more later.”
Yixing opens his mouth to speak and then shuts it again, sighing. “Okay.”
~*~
”So...I read this article the other day, about the number one fear amongst people. And, this is crazy, right? Number one was ‘speaking in front of crowds’. And a lot of you are probably thinking, ‘well that’s kind of a logical fear’ but number two was death, guys. Number two. So basically, if you were at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Yixing wanders around backstage during Jongdae’s set, looking for Lu Han. The agent is usually in the wings, monitoring Jongdae’s performance, but Yixing doesn’t find him there. He also fails to find Lu Han in the dressing rooms, which makes him grow a little nervous. Lu Han’s never once left a show, and even if he did, Yixing’s sure he’d leave a note or something. Even the bathrooms are empty, and Yixing’s about to give up when he remembers about a staircase leading down and out of the venue. It’s a long shot, but he figures he might as well try.
He tells one of the runners that he’ll be back before intermission before making his way down the stairs. His footsteps echo around the place as he walks, careful because the lights are dim and most are flickering. He doesn’t find Lu Han until he opens the door at the end and sees him standing outside, facing the road.
It’s a cold night and the wind is blowing. Yixing pulls his jacket tighter around himself. Lu Han’s hands are shoved into his pockets but he doesn’t appear to be affected by the temperature otherwise, hardly moving. When they’d arrived after lunch, the place around the theater had looked a lot more friendly, if Yixing remembers correctly, the way the red brick walls made everything seem warm and homey. Now, with only the street lamps to light the way, it’s hardly recognizable.
There’s another gust of wind and Yixing watches as Lu Han bows his head, hand coming up to cover his face. Lu Han breathes and his whole body seems to shake, and in the stillness of the night, Yixing listens to his sobs and whimpers. Lu Han cries quietly, like he’s trying to hold it in, trying to keep himself together, and Yixing can only watch, stunned and confused. He wants to take a step forward, but he already feels voyeuristic, like he’s trespassed into something, so he stops and ends up reaching back for the handle before turning around. Yixing hears Lu Han let out a shaky sigh before he slips back inside.
By the time he makes it up the stairs, he can hear the crowd roaring, signaling the intermission. Jongdae comes offstage with a huge grin on his face, pulling at the collar of his shirt to cool himself down. Yixing manages what he can of a smile.
“God, Xing, did you hear that? They’re crazy out there.” He knows he’s failed at hiding when Jongdae’s expression falters. “Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah! Yeah,” Yixing nods, “sorry, just...been running errands and stuff. Guess I got zoned out there for a moment or something.”
“Oh,” Jongdae says, but he doesn’t sound convinced. “Where’s Lu Han?”
“Uh-”
“Here,” Lu Han says, emerging from the corridor. His eyes are definitely puffier than before, but Jongdae doesn’t say anything about it. “Good job with the crowd. Your voice seems to be holding up pretty well.”
Jongdae smiles, and Yixing realizes this is their first time talking since that incident in San Francisco. “Well what do you know, you do have a heart.”
Lu Han wrinkles his nose and throws a towel at Jongdae’s face, covering the comedian’s cheeky grin. Yixing laughs before he reaches up and adjusts the towel, pulling it back so that it covers Jongdae’s head but his face is visible. Jongdae winks at him and his cheeks feel like they’re on fire as he quickly retracts his hands.
“God, you two,” he hears Lu Han mumble long-sufferingly.
“Ten minutes!” Someone calls.
Jongdae takes another gulp of water. “You know at this rate, I think I’ll be good with adding another show on the tour. Like Vegas.” He grins all too knowingly.
Yixing’s eyes widen and he looks at Lu Han, who only exchanges looks with him. “You..”
“Yeah, I overheard,” Jongdae shrugs, looking rather pleased with himself. “What can I say? I knew Vegas couldn’t resist this.” He gestures grandly to himself and Yixing shoves at him, feeling embarrassed. Jongdae laughs, light and bubbly and genuine, and Yixing’s stomach flops.
“But...you’re sure about adding a new date?” Lu Han says, clearly hesitant.
Jongdae nods. “Yeah, I can handle it.”
The bell sounds, signaling five minutes. Jongdae drinks the last of his water and pulls the towel off his head, running his fingers through his hair before a stylist comes over and tuts at him before fixing it herself. Lu Han heads to the wings but Yixing lingers around, hesitant about leaving Jongdae.
“Let’s hang out after the show,” he says once the stylist is done.
Yixing blinks. “What, like, together?”
“Yeah,” Jongdae says, before one of the crew come and rush him to the stage. He grins at Yixing before running back out through the wings to the cheering crowd.
~*~
“It’s nice, huh? Just like how you see in those movies.”
“I’m pretty sure we’re trespassing,” Yixing says, warily eyeing the door they’d just come through. They’re at the top floor of their hotel, looking out at the night lights of the city. Yixing can’t deny that it’s beautiful, but he’s a little more concerned about them being arrested because he’s pretty sure they passed through at least two doors with ‘restricted access’ on them.
“It’s not like we aren’t staying here,” Jongdae points out. Yixing rests his elbows on the ledge, admiring the way the city seems to glow on its own. Jongdae leans into him, letting their shoulders rest against each other, and they don’t speak for a while, just observing and listening. They can still hear the sound of traffic from below, of people walking about and chatting, and Yixing closes his eyes.
“What are you thinking about?” He hears Jongdae ask.
“I’m thinking about...what you said the other night,” Yixing says. “If we had chosen a normal life...you know, just working nine to five in an office somewhere, we’d be like those people below. We’d be going home, settling in and eating dinner, watching TV.” He opens his eyes, looks down at the people going about their daily lives. “But here we are, you and me, on a rooftop somewhere miles away from home because we had other ideas about life.”
“Are you regretting your decision?” Jongdae asks.
“No,” Yixing says, looking at Jongdae. His face is half illuminated by the city lights, his eyes gentle and twinkling. He thinks about the years when the two of them had slaved until 3AM, surviving on bad coffee, trying to think up scripts for Jongdae’s next act even though Yixing knew nothing about comedy and Jongdae, close to nothing. He thinks about how they’re so different now, older and more experienced, but still so alike, the way Jongdae always knows what to say and how Jongdae doesn’t need to explain to him. “I wouldn’t have traded this for anything.”
Jongdae listens, takes Yixing’s hand in his again. His thumb brushes Yixing’s knuckles before he lifts their hands up and gently kisses the back of Yixing’s hand. It’s a small gesture but it’s enough to make Yixing’s heart beat faster, louder, as if reminding him that he is alive. So Yixing does the same, kissing Jongdae’s hand, and when he looks up Jongdae is smiling at him.
SACRAMENTO ✈ OREGON
“God,” Jongdae mumbles suddenly, holding his head.
“What’s wrong?” Yixing asks. They’re en route to the venue, having just checked into the hotel and left a couple minutes ago.
“Headache. Ah- damn,” Jongdae groans, wincing.
“Did you take that aspirin?” Lu Han asks, turning around in the passenger seat while Yixing reaches over and touches Jongdae’s forehead.
“Yeah, but it didn’t help,” Jongdae says, sighing at Yixing’s cool fingertips.
“Woah, Lu Han,” Yixing bites his lip, “I think he’s running a fever.”
“What? There’s no way,” Jongdae frowns, but he sounds weak.
Lu Han gets Wufan to pull over and gets out, going to tend to Jongdae. “It’s jetlag,” Jongdae says, trying to dismiss it.
Yixing keeps close to Jongdae, worried. “I’m pretty sure you don’t get a fever from jetlag,” Lu Han says, voice grim. He fishes out a thermometer from their first aid kit and pops it into Jongdae’s mouth despite the other’s protests. The rest of the group is oddly silent.
When the thermometer beeps, Lu Han checks it before Yixing can. “Yeah, we need to get you to the hospital.”
“Hospital?” Yixing echoes, eyes wide as everyone piles back into the van. No one replies, and Jongdae only rests his head on Yixing’s shoulder. It’s probably nothing, he tries to assure himself, probably just Lu Han being careful. But the way everyone is deathly silent makes him feel like he’s lying to himself.
Wufan somehow navigates them to the nearest hospital without any map or GPS. Chanyeol ends up having to carry Jongdae in, the latter too exhausted to walk, and Yixing has to run to keep up with them as they rush him into the ER. Yixing watches as they push Jongdae past swinging doors while the staff tell them to wait where they are, and he has a horrible, horrible feeling in his stomach.
Everyone else leans against the walls of the corridor or sits down, but Yixing finds he can’t move, even after Jongdae disappears around the corner and he’s left staring at nothing but white on white. The longer he stands there, the longer it becomes clear that there’s something he hasn’t been told, and it’s a terrible, terrible feeling. It’s only when Lu Han comes up and pulls him out of the way of some nurses that he finally finds his voice.
“What’s going on, Lu Han?” He asks, feeling numb.
Lu Han bites his lip, his fingers still wrapped around Yixing’s wrist from when he’d gotten him to move aside. Yixing thinks about the time he found Lu Han crying outside, alone, in the dark, and sees a sadness in Lu Han’s eyes that he’s never seen before.
“We were going to tell you. We just...didn’t know when,” he says, voice so quiet Yixing can hardly make it out amongst the bustling of activity down the hall at the entrance.
“Tell me what?”
“Jongdae, he...” Lu Han takes a deep, shaky breath. “He didn’t want to tell you because he didn’t want you to worry. And I know that sounds selfish of him but...don’t mistake him hiding it from you as a sign that he doesn’t care. He cares a lot about you...more so than anyone else, even himself.”
“Lu Han, you’re scaring me. Just tell me what’s going on.”
“Jongdae has cancer,” Lu Han says, and Yixing feels the world stop. For a brief moment, he becomes deaf, doesn’t hear anything except his own breathing, except his heart beating, and he feels like he’s falling. Yixing stares at Lu Han, who hasn’t let go of his hand yet, and Lu Han’s lips move but he doesn’t hear anything. Yixing stays in the silence of his mind, trying to keep calm, but then his senses come alive again and Lu Han’s voice is pulling, pulling him back up to the surface and the real world, all in the span of a few seconds.
“It...started out as throat cancer but it got worse this year and spread to his lungs,” he hears Lu Han say, the sound becoming in sync with his lips. “That’s why we were trying to make him rest so much, why we didn’t want more dates. The...the doctors already said his body wouldn’t be able to handle the whole trip and...” Lu Han swallows.
Yixing still can’t speak, and Lu Han makes him sit down, fearing that he’ll have a panic attack. The information replays in Yixing’s mind over and over again, like he’ll find some sort of crack, some sort of solace between the pauses in Lu Han’s words, but it only makes him feel more like a shell and less like a person. He doesn’t even register that he’s crying until Lu Han reaches out and squeezes his hand and he feels the tears sliding down his cheeks each time he blinks.
~*~
The smell of antiseptic is strong as they make their way into Jongdae’s room. They move in two at a time, and Yixing watches as Jongdae talks to Baekhyun and Zitao first, moving his hands and smiling. It doesn’t look like there’s anything wrong with him, safe for the IV drip. Jongdae doesn’t look like he has cancer, doesn’t look like he’s...dying.
“Is that why you wanted to leave?” He murmurs to Lu Han, not taking his eyes off Jongdae.
“I’ve been in this industry for a long time,” Lu Han says, “but I could never be able to lose a friend like that.”
Yixing looks at Lu Han. It’s the first time he’s ever actually heard him talk about Jongdae that way.
“I could never,” Lu Han shakes his head, looking at Yixing. “I couldn’t even handle the thought of it. It broke me down so many times. No matter how much time, how much notice...When people like that go away, they take a part of you too.”
Chanyeol’s wiping at his face when he and Wufan leave the ward. Yixing doesn’t want to break down in front of Jongdae, although it feels like he might, the way there’s something stuck in his throat again. Lu Han gives him a reassuring nod before walking in first, and Yixing follows.
Jongdae’s expression softens when he sees Yixing. “I’m guessing he told you.”
“Yeah,” Yixing says, before inhaling and trying to stop his voice from shaking. “Yeah, he told me. Are you...do you feel better?” His fingers grip the table in front of Jongdae’s bed.
“Kinda. They have me hooked up to this, y’know?” Jongdae says, gesturing to the drip. Yixing averts his eyes from the tube but nods.
“Doctor says they’ll have to keep you here for monitoring,” Lu Han informs him, “maybe a week at best.”
Jongdae exhales noisily, leaning back against his pillows. “A week, well, shit.” He laughs humorlessly. Yixing looks down at his shoes. All three of them understand what it means.
“We’ll stay with you,” Lu Han assures, and Jongdae scoffs.
“Don’t do that, you guys should go out and have fun.”
“It’s not fun without you,” Yixing says, “we’re staying until you get better.”
There’s a heaviness that settles after Yixing’s words, because all of them don’t know if that’s ever going to happen, but Jongdae nods. “Okay.”
~*~
They take turns keeping Jongdae company, meant to operate in three hours shifts, though it’s Yixing who stays by his side the most. No one has the heart to tell him to leave, especially when Yixing’s trying his best not to hold Jongdae’s hand too tightly, although he wants to because he’s so afraid. It eventually evolves into them buying food for Yixing, although Lu Han makes him get up and change places with the others every now and then. “For fresh air,” he says, but Yixing doesn’t have the heart to argue, especially when Lu Han comes into the ward some days looking exhausted, like he hadn’t been able to sleep the night before.
Lu Han speaks to the doctor but doesn’t relay any information to Yixing unless he asks. Not like he needs to, though. Yixing spends enough time by Jongdae to see the cancer beginning to deconstruct him from inside out. Jongdae grows paler, thinner, and some days he feels to fragile that Yixing is afraid to breathe because it feels like if he does he’ll break Jongdae. They don’t speak much in their time together, but when they do it’s about mundane things like the weather, or the food they’re eating, or about whatever terrible K-Drama is playing on the TVs in the ward. With each new day, Yixing paints over the cracks as best as he can, even if they come up again the next minute when Jongdae tries to sit up and fails, or multiply within the next hour when Jongdae starts coughing and the sound is so painful Yixing nearly winces himself.
By the sixth day, Jongdae starts coughing up blood, and Yixing hits the nurse call button in a panic. They shoo him away and draw the curtains, and it’s Wufan who ends up having to pull Yixing out of the room because Lu Han is on a phone call with someone outside. Yixing doesn’t hyperventilate when he panics, rather, he stills, stands rooted to the spot, eyes wide open but not seeing anything. The bright red blood on Jongdae’s palm stays on his mind and doesn’t go away, even after the sheets are changed and Jongdae’s hands are wiped clean.
“The doctor said you can’t leave yet,” Yixing tells Jongdae at sunset, after the nurses have gone. He’d been told they would monitor his condition, and Yixing had to bite his tongue because he wanted to say ‘You’ve been doing that for days. He’s not getting any better.’
Jongdae sighs and looks out the window. “I want to go home.”
“I know,” Yixing says.
“No, I mean, I want to go back to Seoul. I want to be hospitalized there.”
“I...Is that possible?”
“It should be. There isn’t much of a difference in me dying here or there.”
Dying, right. Yixing’s been trying to forget. Jongdae is dying. Time is running out.
“I’ll talk to Lu Han,” he says, and his steps out the ward feel so heavy.
OREGON ✈ SEOUL
‘CHA GENERAL HOSPITAL’ the entrance proclaims. Yixing recognizes the name as they pass through the doors. It’s weird feeling familiar about a place you’ve never visited before.
Jongdae’s steps are slow as they make their way to the counter. Yixing sees him try to hide it, the way he straightens his back from time to time, like each movement doesn’t hurt him. The ward they place him in is almost identical to the one in Oregon, except the curtains are teal instead of blue, and Jongdae’s room overlooks the center of the hospital, a wide open ground with people in coats and scrubs moving from block to block.
The cancer spreads to Jongdae’s spine. Night falls though none of them go home, and Lu Han sits with Yixing as Jongdae sleeps.
“Do you know how much time he has left?” Yixing whispers. It’s a morbid question, he knows, but he has to ask it, has to know.
Lu Han shakes his head. Yixing counts the dates instead. He blinks when he overshoots and tries again. No, that can’t be right. Maybe he’d missed out a day or something. He tries again and comes to the same number.
“He’s already passed the estimate,” Lu Han says, confirming Yixing’s numbers. “No one knows now.”
Yixing reaches out and takes Jongdae’s hand in his, laces their fingers together. “Are you really going to quit?” He asks Lu Han, watching the slow rise and fall of Jongdae’s chest. There’s a battle raging on inside and Jongdae is losing, and all Yixing can do is hold his hand.
“I’m not leaving you guys, if that’s what you’re asking.” Yixing looks at Lu Han. “I’m quitting my job, but I’m not leaving you guys.”
~*~
It is Saturday when they place Jongdae on oxygen supply, three days into his stay at the hospital. Yixing hasn’t been able to sleep at all.
“Man, this thing itches,” Jongdae says. Yixing’s only just gotten used to how weak he sounds. Whenever he speaks, the plastic clouds up, the inside becoming almost as pale as Jongdae’s skin. The thin lines of the ECG reflect Jongdae’s thin fingers and slowing heart rate.
“Don’t touch it,” he says, pushing Jongdae’s hand away when he starts poking at the mask. Jongdae chuckles.
“Relax, nothing bad is going to happen.”
“Nothing bad..” Yixing mumbles, shaking his head. He smiles at the ground as Jongdae’s words repeat in his head. And all of a sudden the tears spill over and he tries to hide it, which only makes it worse. His tears keep falling, streaming down his cheeks, and he can’t even lift his head to look at Jongdae.
“Xing...hey, Xing. Look at me,” Jongdae says, voice gentle. Yixing wipes at his face furiously, swallows down the worst of the sobs before finally looking up.
“Nothing bad is going to happen,” Jongdae repeats.
“How..how can you say that? You’re dying..” Yixing’s voice trembles at the edges.
“I love you, Yixing. Nothing bad is going to happen.”
Yixing stares at him, eyes puffy. “W-what?”
“I said I love you, Yixing. So trust me, nothing bad is going to happen.” He holds out his hand, and Yixing slowly, but surely, reaches out and holds Jongdae’s hand, the way they’d always done.
Yixing’s bottom lip trembles. The intervals of the ECG become longer. Jongdae closes his eyes. Baekhyun looks away as he clutches Chanyeol’s arm, and Wufan’s crying silently. Zitao already looks broken inside and Lu Han stands by Yixing.
“You know,” Jongdae says, “I’ve been talking a lot. But...now I realize, I’ve never had to with you guys. I could never shut up when I was younger because, well, I thought people would feel more comfortable if I kept talking, because I would always end up explaining myself. But with you guys...you’re funny, y’know? I don’t say anything and you guys get it.”
Jongdae lets out a long, drawn out breath and he smiles, running his thumb over Yixing’s knuckles. Yixing sees his cheeks are wet, and he realizes Jongdae is crying.
“So thank you, you funny people. I love you, and I’ll never forget.”
~*~
“Dear Yixing,
I’m sorry I’m making you do my eulogy. As you should know from my act, it’s the number one fear in humans. But I trust that you’ll figure something out.
I get that you’re scared of crowds. I get that sometimes speaking scares you. I’ve never told anyone this, but it’s probably my worst fear too. Speaking is my job and my life. It’s all I’ve ever figured out how to do. It’s weird how the things we love the most can also be our greatest weaknesses.
But that’s okay. What’s important is that I found that thing that made me insanely happy, made me feel like I could walk the moon. And so I hope that for everyone present, they find that special thing too. Whether it’s a person, or a hobby, or even a song, find that thing that makes you fall in love with life, helps get you through. For me, I told jokes because other people’s happiness made me happy, too. I don’t know if you’ve found that one thing yet, but I hope that if you haven’t, you will find it soon, and treasure it, Yixing.
Right, so I guess I should set some things straight. (Please read this out somewhere during your speech.) Lu Han, I know where you hide your liquor. Stop messing around. Yixing’s too weak to carry you home. Baekhyun, I hope you marry Chanyeol. Yes, it is very obvious. Chanyeol, don’t use cheesy pickup lines in your vows. Wufan, you’ve probably never considered modeling, although you really should. Zitao, how the hell do you sleep with all those piercings? Also, you should consider being in a band. Really suits your image.
And for you, Yixing, I love you, which I hope you already know. I’m sorry we never got to go on dates, or kiss, or do any of that couple stuff, but then again, we aren’t exactly normal, are we? For the most part, maybe we never really needed any of those things, because what we had was enough, because what we had was enough to make my heart beat and tell me that I loved you. You are a brilliant person, Yixing, and you can do brilliant things, but for those days when it get too hard, or when you feel alone and lost, remember you’re only twenty-four, and that the world is big. There’s still time to figure things out.
There’s always time.”
notes:
- Thanks to minsyung for making sure my words are all dressed up properly as always ♡ and eonians for first-looks and helping me avoid massacring like 90% of this, super huge thanks to you jie ;;
- Oh and special mention to starsthatlast for helping me out with character death and things (I would put a smiley here but it seems kinda inappropriate considering the character death orz)
- And hi pleaseuu who also got some little sneak peeks of this fic a while ago :3
- I am sorry I don't know what happened
- (P.S. the joke about speaking in front of crowds is taken from Jerry Seinfeld's I'm Telling You For The Last Time.)
- (P.P.S. this is ddankkoma on a new account ^^)