(fic) the boy who blocked his own shot
exo | one-sided!kaisoo | angst (PG-13)
if it makes you less sad / I will die by your hand / I hope you find out what you want / I already know what I am
word count: 2.1k
for emma/caressingflames
★
Jongin’s confession is simple. Three short, simple words: “I like you,” he says, soft but casual, as if they’re in a library discussing John Green and Neil Gaiman. He fidgets a little, stealthily pinching the fabric of his trousers between his index finger and thumb, and his heart is pounding so fast that Jongin can hardly hear himself think.
Kyungsoo’s rejection is complicated. Six weighted, heavy words: “You’re like a brother to me,” he says, gentle and careful, because he’s holding Jongin’s heart in his hands and he’s crushing it, and he doesn’t want it to hurt more. And then, just for good measure, he adds, “we’ll always be friends”.
“Oh,” Jongin replies, because he doesn’t know what else to say. Kyungsoo’s smile is strange, and although they’ve known each other for years, Jongin can’t understand his expression this time. Maybe he’d been wrong to assume that they both knew each other completely. People aren’t that easy to understand, no matter how much you love them.
This is how Jongin’s heart breaks in under forty seconds.
As for mending it, well....Jongin doesn’t know how long it’ll take.
Call me a safe bet
I’m betting I’m not
Park Chanyeol is a nice guy. Everyone knows that. He’s kind, gentlemanly, charitable and friendly. On top of that, he’s tall, has a nice voice, can rap and sing and play multiple instruments, and he’s got a face that everyone loves.
It’s only natural, then, that Kyungsoo dates him, because Kyungsoo’s wonderfully perfect just the same. Jongin loses his appetite the first time Chanyeol comes over to sit with them, but when Kyungsoo looks at his untouched food he quickly takes a bite out of his now-cold burger. It’s horribly bland, and it matches his mood.
They never speak about the confession. Mainly because Jongin never knows how to launch into it without sounding needy and obsessive because he still likes Kyungsoo, even though he’s dating someone and it’s been a good four months. Chanyeol’s too good a person for Jongin to dislike, but it still hurts anyway.
When they were younger, Jongin would text Kyungsoo late into the night, only finally saying goodbye just before 2AM. Those days, he’d attempt to annoy Kyungsoo by using way too many emoticons, and Kyungsoo would say things like ‘I’ll sleep when you do’, and Jongin would read into them, smile ridiculously at his screen.
“...and he likes dancing too, right Jongin?”
“H-huh?” Jongin blinks and tries not to notice as Chanyeol slides an arm around Kyungsoo.
Chanyeol grins, a little too patronizing. Jongin is cautious. “You take dance too?”
“Sort of. It’s kind of a hobby I guess,” Jongin half-shrugs and takes his time drinking his soda. He doesn’t miss the way Kyungsoo’s expression betrays him for a moment and he looks at Jongin with a stare in between uncomfortable and irritated.
See, this is the trouble with falling in love with your best friend: what do you do if it doesn’t work out? They’re supposed to revert, supposed to go back to when things were normal, but they can’t, not really. Especially with Chanyeol in the picture, because Jongin’s quite positive he wouldn’t like his boyfriend texting someone else long past midnight.
Kyungsoo looks really happy whenever he’s with Chanyeol. Jongin just wishes he could make Kyungsoo that happy too.
If it makes you less sad
I’ll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I’ll keep out of your way
There is no right way when it comes to confessing. There are no crimes, no sins, no morally questionable things. You either go left or right, a yes or a no, and at first, both paths look identical. You can’t tell which one is better. As you get further down, though, you realize that maybe the other could have made you happier, made you feel more alive, and even though you can’t see the other path and you’ll never know, you still believe it well, because, it’s always a possibility.
Kyungsoo doesn’t cry when Chanyeol breaks up with him. Jongin only finds out through Sehun when he blabbers about it one day during English, and at first he doesn’t believe it because “why would anyone break up with Kyungsoo?”
“You’re his best friend, why don’t you tell me?” Sehun points out.
Except, Jongin isn’t sure they can still say that about each other. Ever since Kyungsoo started dating, they spoke less and less. Couples need space, Jongin reminds himself, but he knows he needs it too, because his heart is still broken and he doesn’t know how to mend it. Seeing Kyungsoo with someone else, in the meantime, definitely did more damage than healing.
So instead, Jongin snorts and says, “whatever, I’ll beat Chanyeol up later.”
That is, of course, until he passes by Kyungsoo in the hall and sees Kris Wu kissing him.
It’s okay, Jongin thinks, swallowing down his anger as best as he can, Kyungsoo is popular and he can do whatever he wants.
Except it’s hard to accept things when you feel as if you can’t breathe.
So call it quits
Or get a grip
Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed
“So...Kris Wu, huh?”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo smiles a little sheepishly. “He was helping me through the final stages of Chanyeol and I and....I don’t know, it just kinda happened.”
Jongin grins, but inside he feels all funny. He doesn’t know Kris awfully well, but he knows he’s the captain of the basketball team, and when Kyungsoo talks about him he nearly seems to swoon.
Just best friends, he reminds himself, and nothing more.
“So...you didn’t really...tell me what happened between you and Chanyeol.”
Kyungsoo shrugs. “Just....stuff, I guess. Maybe we just got tired of each other.”
Why would anyone get tired of you? “Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Nah, don’t be. It was nothing, anyway. He’s dating Baekhyun now. You know, Byun Baekhyun? The guy who works at....”
Kyungsoo’s lips look really pretty today. Jongin wonders how many people he’s kissed, how many people have had the chance to hold him properly in his arms. The familiar pang in his chest comes back, and he nods mechanically as Kyungsoo talks.
Jongin doesn’t know if he regrets telling Kyungsoo. Maybe if he hadn’t, things wouldn’t feel so awkward between them, wouldn’t feel as if there was a giant elephant in the room. Maybe they’d still text until 2AM and make stupid jokes about each other’s names. Maybe they’d still be best friends, and not just remain that way because everyone else is so accustomed to them being that way; being friends.
There isn’t anything Jongin can do, really, as Kris takes Kyungsoo’s hand and they walk off, waving goodbye. Jongin watches them go, the bright afternoon sun haloing around them as they slip out the door, and he sighs softly.
Kyungsoo’s always going to be so close, and always so far.
A crown of gold
A heart that’s harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it’s missed when it’s gone
He doesn’t know how to get over it. Absence is meant to make the heart grow fonder, but Jongin sees Kyungsoo nearly every other day, whether they speak to each other or not. He doesn’t know how to heal, because there’s no Heartbreak 101 in school. You learn polynomial functions and argumentative essays and the estimated mass of an atom, but you don’t learn how to know if you’re falling in love. You don’t learn how to grieve when a loved one passes, you don’t learn how to build a raft if you’re ever stranded on an island, and you don’t learn how to go about making sure you never get hurt.
So he waits for time to do the trick.
You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones
Kyungsoo’s third boyfriend, Zhang Yixing, is a foreign exchange student who tends to wander after him like a lost lamb. Jongin never really knows how to talk to him, mainly because Yixing’s Korean is still thickly accented, but it’s even more difficult when Kyungsoo seems to be able to rocket off in mandarin and Yixing responds just as delightedly, and Jongin gets lost in a valley of syllables that sound almost alien to him.
Jongin can only watch as Kyungsoo laughs at something Yixing says and leans against him, but by now Jongin’s stomach doesn’t twist anymore. It’s clear Kyungsoo doesn’t know the extent of how much Jongin likes him....loves him. It will always be that way, even when Jongin is the one holding Kyungsoo when he cries about Yixing leaving, no matter how many ‘it’s okay, I’m here’s he whispers.
Kyungsoo’s never going to look at him like that. And Jongin can’t seem to stop.
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Kim Junmyeon is utter perfection. At least, that’s what everyone says. He’s got a brilliant smile, a musical laugh, and he’s terribly good-looking. He’s also one of the most magnanimous people Jongin’s ever met, so it’s only natural that Kyungsoo marries him.
“I...I want you to be the best man. Is that okay?” Even after all these years, Kyungsoo still looks adorable without even trying, and even more so when he’s hopeful. Jongin can’t refuse.
His best friend is getting married. Do Kyungsoo, his best friend, his first love, his only love, is getting married to someone else. Jongin turns the shiny card over in his hands, admiring the meticulously printed words and design. It’s perfect for Kyungsoo.
“I’m really happy for you,” he says, smiling.
Maybe in some other universe, things could have worked out differently. Maybe Jongin didn’t confess, and they fell for each other until it didn’t even have to be said and they’d kiss. Maybe Kyungsoo would have said yes, and Jongin would be able to make him laugh and smile and hold him as much as he’d always wanted to. Maybe they were better off as lovers, but here, right now, things were different.
Jongin had taken a chance, and Kyungsoo merely refused. It was as simple and as complicated as that. In this universe, Kyungsoo was always going to belong to someone else, and Jongin, well, maybe Jongin was always going to be that other guy, his best friend, someone he could always turn to, someone he could always trust. In this universe, Kyungsoo could break hearts, and Jongin would let him take his, because that was just the way things were. No amount of love would be able to change it, no matter how much he wanted it, no matter how much it pained him.
“We’ll always be friends,” Kyungsoo had said. He needs Jongin too, just not the way Jongin needed him. Because this is the reality; people don’t always fall in love the same way, but that doesn’t mean they fall apart after that. Sometimes you can’t make dramatic exits and move to distant countries right after you profess your love. Sometimes you have to stay behind, stay by their side, do the best you can do, and pretend it doesn’t hurt because it’s not fair to them. Sometimes the people you love can’t love you back just the same.
Maybe there’s always going to be a scar on his heart with Kyungsoo’s name on it.
Holding onto yourself the best you can
You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins
Kyungsoo looks really happy with Junmyeon. He’s always going to be, Jongin knows, because there are some things other people can give that he can’t. Maybe it really is awfully cheesy, but if Kyungsoo’s happy, then Jongin can learn too.
“Thank you,” Kyungsoo whispers as he hugs him after the ceremony. He smells like vintage bookstores and summer sunshine and mint, and Jongin smiles into his jacket as he hugs him back.
“I love you,” he mumbles, shutting his eyes. It still hurts, but the pain is starting to dull. They’re older now, Jongin’s not the seventeen-year-old boy he was when he confessed. He doesn’t go to bed bitter and betrayed, just purely tired and in love.
“I love you too,” Kyungsoo murmurs back. It’s an entirely different thing, but Jongin’s going to be okay with that.
Call me a safe bet
I’m betting I’m not
I’m glad that you can forgive
I’m only hoping as time goes
You can forget.
Yeah, he’s going to be okay.
======
A/N: okay so I legit broke my 'no kaisoo angst' rule this time orz but I was in an angst mood for some reason and emma's prompt fit a story that I've been meaning to write for a while. this is an exaggerated version of my life.
anyway, song lyrics and title from the song of the same name by brand new.
if it makes you less sad / I will die by your hand / I hope you find out what you want / I already know what I am
word count: 2.1k
for emma/caressingflames
★
Jongin’s confession is simple. Three short, simple words: “I like you,” he says, soft but casual, as if they’re in a library discussing John Green and Neil Gaiman. He fidgets a little, stealthily pinching the fabric of his trousers between his index finger and thumb, and his heart is pounding so fast that Jongin can hardly hear himself think.
Kyungsoo’s rejection is complicated. Six weighted, heavy words: “You’re like a brother to me,” he says, gentle and careful, because he’s holding Jongin’s heart in his hands and he’s crushing it, and he doesn’t want it to hurt more. And then, just for good measure, he adds, “we’ll always be friends”.
“Oh,” Jongin replies, because he doesn’t know what else to say. Kyungsoo’s smile is strange, and although they’ve known each other for years, Jongin can’t understand his expression this time. Maybe he’d been wrong to assume that they both knew each other completely. People aren’t that easy to understand, no matter how much you love them.
This is how Jongin’s heart breaks in under forty seconds.
As for mending it, well....Jongin doesn’t know how long it’ll take.
Call me a safe bet
I’m betting I’m not
Park Chanyeol is a nice guy. Everyone knows that. He’s kind, gentlemanly, charitable and friendly. On top of that, he’s tall, has a nice voice, can rap and sing and play multiple instruments, and he’s got a face that everyone loves.
It’s only natural, then, that Kyungsoo dates him, because Kyungsoo’s wonderfully perfect just the same. Jongin loses his appetite the first time Chanyeol comes over to sit with them, but when Kyungsoo looks at his untouched food he quickly takes a bite out of his now-cold burger. It’s horribly bland, and it matches his mood.
They never speak about the confession. Mainly because Jongin never knows how to launch into it without sounding needy and obsessive because he still likes Kyungsoo, even though he’s dating someone and it’s been a good four months. Chanyeol’s too good a person for Jongin to dislike, but it still hurts anyway.
When they were younger, Jongin would text Kyungsoo late into the night, only finally saying goodbye just before 2AM. Those days, he’d attempt to annoy Kyungsoo by using way too many emoticons, and Kyungsoo would say things like ‘I’ll sleep when you do’, and Jongin would read into them, smile ridiculously at his screen.
“...and he likes dancing too, right Jongin?”
“H-huh?” Jongin blinks and tries not to notice as Chanyeol slides an arm around Kyungsoo.
Chanyeol grins, a little too patronizing. Jongin is cautious. “You take dance too?”
“Sort of. It’s kind of a hobby I guess,” Jongin half-shrugs and takes his time drinking his soda. He doesn’t miss the way Kyungsoo’s expression betrays him for a moment and he looks at Jongin with a stare in between uncomfortable and irritated.
See, this is the trouble with falling in love with your best friend: what do you do if it doesn’t work out? They’re supposed to revert, supposed to go back to when things were normal, but they can’t, not really. Especially with Chanyeol in the picture, because Jongin’s quite positive he wouldn’t like his boyfriend texting someone else long past midnight.
Kyungsoo looks really happy whenever he’s with Chanyeol. Jongin just wishes he could make Kyungsoo that happy too.
If it makes you less sad
I’ll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I’ll keep out of your way
There is no right way when it comes to confessing. There are no crimes, no sins, no morally questionable things. You either go left or right, a yes or a no, and at first, both paths look identical. You can’t tell which one is better. As you get further down, though, you realize that maybe the other could have made you happier, made you feel more alive, and even though you can’t see the other path and you’ll never know, you still believe it well, because, it’s always a possibility.
Kyungsoo doesn’t cry when Chanyeol breaks up with him. Jongin only finds out through Sehun when he blabbers about it one day during English, and at first he doesn’t believe it because “why would anyone break up with Kyungsoo?”
“You’re his best friend, why don’t you tell me?” Sehun points out.
Except, Jongin isn’t sure they can still say that about each other. Ever since Kyungsoo started dating, they spoke less and less. Couples need space, Jongin reminds himself, but he knows he needs it too, because his heart is still broken and he doesn’t know how to mend it. Seeing Kyungsoo with someone else, in the meantime, definitely did more damage than healing.
So instead, Jongin snorts and says, “whatever, I’ll beat Chanyeol up later.”
That is, of course, until he passes by Kyungsoo in the hall and sees Kris Wu kissing him.
It’s okay, Jongin thinks, swallowing down his anger as best as he can, Kyungsoo is popular and he can do whatever he wants.
Except it’s hard to accept things when you feel as if you can’t breathe.
So call it quits
Or get a grip
Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed
“So...Kris Wu, huh?”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo smiles a little sheepishly. “He was helping me through the final stages of Chanyeol and I and....I don’t know, it just kinda happened.”
Jongin grins, but inside he feels all funny. He doesn’t know Kris awfully well, but he knows he’s the captain of the basketball team, and when Kyungsoo talks about him he nearly seems to swoon.
Just best friends, he reminds himself, and nothing more.
“So...you didn’t really...tell me what happened between you and Chanyeol.”
Kyungsoo shrugs. “Just....stuff, I guess. Maybe we just got tired of each other.”
Why would anyone get tired of you? “Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Nah, don’t be. It was nothing, anyway. He’s dating Baekhyun now. You know, Byun Baekhyun? The guy who works at....”
Kyungsoo’s lips look really pretty today. Jongin wonders how many people he’s kissed, how many people have had the chance to hold him properly in his arms. The familiar pang in his chest comes back, and he nods mechanically as Kyungsoo talks.
Jongin doesn’t know if he regrets telling Kyungsoo. Maybe if he hadn’t, things wouldn’t feel so awkward between them, wouldn’t feel as if there was a giant elephant in the room. Maybe they’d still text until 2AM and make stupid jokes about each other’s names. Maybe they’d still be best friends, and not just remain that way because everyone else is so accustomed to them being that way; being friends.
There isn’t anything Jongin can do, really, as Kris takes Kyungsoo’s hand and they walk off, waving goodbye. Jongin watches them go, the bright afternoon sun haloing around them as they slip out the door, and he sighs softly.
Kyungsoo’s always going to be so close, and always so far.
A crown of gold
A heart that’s harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it’s missed when it’s gone
He doesn’t know how to get over it. Absence is meant to make the heart grow fonder, but Jongin sees Kyungsoo nearly every other day, whether they speak to each other or not. He doesn’t know how to heal, because there’s no Heartbreak 101 in school. You learn polynomial functions and argumentative essays and the estimated mass of an atom, but you don’t learn how to know if you’re falling in love. You don’t learn how to grieve when a loved one passes, you don’t learn how to build a raft if you’re ever stranded on an island, and you don’t learn how to go about making sure you never get hurt.
So he waits for time to do the trick.
You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones
Kyungsoo’s third boyfriend, Zhang Yixing, is a foreign exchange student who tends to wander after him like a lost lamb. Jongin never really knows how to talk to him, mainly because Yixing’s Korean is still thickly accented, but it’s even more difficult when Kyungsoo seems to be able to rocket off in mandarin and Yixing responds just as delightedly, and Jongin gets lost in a valley of syllables that sound almost alien to him.
Jongin can only watch as Kyungsoo laughs at something Yixing says and leans against him, but by now Jongin’s stomach doesn’t twist anymore. It’s clear Kyungsoo doesn’t know the extent of how much Jongin likes him....loves him. It will always be that way, even when Jongin is the one holding Kyungsoo when he cries about Yixing leaving, no matter how many ‘it’s okay, I’m here’s he whispers.
Kyungsoo’s never going to look at him like that. And Jongin can’t seem to stop.
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Kim Junmyeon is utter perfection. At least, that’s what everyone says. He’s got a brilliant smile, a musical laugh, and he’s terribly good-looking. He’s also one of the most magnanimous people Jongin’s ever met, so it’s only natural that Kyungsoo marries him.
“I...I want you to be the best man. Is that okay?” Even after all these years, Kyungsoo still looks adorable without even trying, and even more so when he’s hopeful. Jongin can’t refuse.
His best friend is getting married. Do Kyungsoo, his best friend, his first love, his only love, is getting married to someone else. Jongin turns the shiny card over in his hands, admiring the meticulously printed words and design. It’s perfect for Kyungsoo.
“I’m really happy for you,” he says, smiling.
Maybe in some other universe, things could have worked out differently. Maybe Jongin didn’t confess, and they fell for each other until it didn’t even have to be said and they’d kiss. Maybe Kyungsoo would have said yes, and Jongin would be able to make him laugh and smile and hold him as much as he’d always wanted to. Maybe they were better off as lovers, but here, right now, things were different.
Jongin had taken a chance, and Kyungsoo merely refused. It was as simple and as complicated as that. In this universe, Kyungsoo was always going to belong to someone else, and Jongin, well, maybe Jongin was always going to be that other guy, his best friend, someone he could always turn to, someone he could always trust. In this universe, Kyungsoo could break hearts, and Jongin would let him take his, because that was just the way things were. No amount of love would be able to change it, no matter how much he wanted it, no matter how much it pained him.
“We’ll always be friends,” Kyungsoo had said. He needs Jongin too, just not the way Jongin needed him. Because this is the reality; people don’t always fall in love the same way, but that doesn’t mean they fall apart after that. Sometimes you can’t make dramatic exits and move to distant countries right after you profess your love. Sometimes you have to stay behind, stay by their side, do the best you can do, and pretend it doesn’t hurt because it’s not fair to them. Sometimes the people you love can’t love you back just the same.
Maybe there’s always going to be a scar on his heart with Kyungsoo’s name on it.
Holding onto yourself the best you can
You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins
Kyungsoo looks really happy with Junmyeon. He’s always going to be, Jongin knows, because there are some things other people can give that he can’t. Maybe it really is awfully cheesy, but if Kyungsoo’s happy, then Jongin can learn too.
“Thank you,” Kyungsoo whispers as he hugs him after the ceremony. He smells like vintage bookstores and summer sunshine and mint, and Jongin smiles into his jacket as he hugs him back.
“I love you,” he mumbles, shutting his eyes. It still hurts, but the pain is starting to dull. They’re older now, Jongin’s not the seventeen-year-old boy he was when he confessed. He doesn’t go to bed bitter and betrayed, just purely tired and in love.
“I love you too,” Kyungsoo murmurs back. It’s an entirely different thing, but Jongin’s going to be okay with that.
Call me a safe bet
I’m betting I’m not
I’m glad that you can forgive
I’m only hoping as time goes
You can forget.
Yeah, he’s going to be okay.
======
A/N: okay so I legit broke my 'no kaisoo angst' rule this time orz but I was in an angst mood for some reason and emma's prompt fit a story that I've been meaning to write for a while. this is an exaggerated version of my life.
anyway, song lyrics and title from the song of the same name by brand new.