new order
I have decided to post again here, as I need an outlet for what is going on inside my head, and this is a better place than the bottle or a couple of Xanax, and we all know that Adam isn't as much fun as this Adam, so I will be back here again as long as it is therapeutic to do so.
My trip to Burlington started on a cloudy morning on last Thursday. The train ride was interesting, as I purposefully did not bring an Ipod or any sort of music. I wanted to take in the experience of interacting with the people around me. I find that we all spend too much time plugged in and not turned on, so to speak. We tune in but then shut off, and I don't agree with this at all.
The train was swift, and I got in to a chilly Burlington night and my mother being up. I stayed for 4 days,and I want to say that it was relaxing and a vacation, but it was more like giving my regards to my own set of values, and then rebuilding them. My father isn't well, and it is far worse now than it was this time last year.
I feel so strange to this. I helped him in and out of bed, helped him use the bathroom, helped him in every aspect of his days, and as he steadfastly kept his pride and I kept my mine, there was a raging amount of empathy and love and pain there in the silence between us. It was too much to take at times, and I would excuse myself for a quick respite in the bathroom or on the porch while I collected myself. I have never had to be that strong in my life before, and I think I understand a bit about how our interactions will be as my time in moving up there comes closer.
My mother got to go out with her friend and have her own time in months, and it was good for her to do so. I taught my little sister how to play star wars miniatures and hooked a new gamer, and we talked about Twilight and what she was doing in her life and that was good as well. I think i bridge the gap in her life with the adults and her peers, as we are like minds, and it was good to get out and walk the town with her.
In the midst of all that life and co-eds and spring there was a looming ghost of things to come, and I know that there is no chance for me to turn back from these duties and the times will just get harder and harder.
I thought I couldn't deal with this, but I feel nothing. This is entirely new to me, as I usually am very emotional, but the initial shock of things aside, I am dealing in such a robotic way that I wonder where that part of me went. It is the same about my relationships, or lack thereof. I had thought that I would be seeing someone at this point, but I am having a hard time finding any sort of attraction to "click". I just don't feel anything. I think H broke a bit of me that I didn't know was breakable.
I am glad for that though, we need to be tempered by our scars and learn from those mistakes, and though there is a part of me that looks for love and such, I don't think I know what that means anymore, and at some point it will come along, or it won't. I care more at this point for the rain and my cloves and my brushes than I do for that.
It will have to be something stellar and a a woman beyond compare to be able to wake that up, and I will wait.
That aside, I have decided to stick around and spend a week a month up there for now, and that will be enough. I have found a new love and new respect for my family, and that is worth more than I thought it ever would. Or maybe I am growing up, or maybe I am growing colder, or maybe it isn't any of those things at all.
I want nothing. For once I am at an impasse as to what I care about or want. I can't find anything to be able to set my emotions a-flutter, and I am very speculative about the importance of said emotions at all.
I tried to wean myself off of my meds a bit, but that was a poor idea, and after a couple of days of not being able to do my daily routine, I thought it best to get back on schedule. I hate that numb feeling, but what is the alternative? I can't seem to find a happy ground between numb and pants-shitting anxious.
I want to not hate the ocean. I want to keep hating her. I want to be able to forgive and I really wish I won't. I would step into traffic to be able to have my father walk again without a walker and to hold his rifle for one more time. I am going to a re-enactment with him so I can hold his hand and help him shoot at redcoats for a final time in his life. The smell of black powder will always remind me of my duty as sentry to him and the duty of an only son to a father who is only doing the best he can.
This is really, really hard for me. I am silently going through another heartbreak, the second in less than 4 months, and I don't know how much more I can keep tearing this fucking thing out of my chest before there isn't anything left. My friends ask what is wrong, and how do I answer that?
I can't. It would be too much to give this to someone and try to expect empathy when we all have these hardships. I should of been there more for those people, and maybe I would have the right.
I don't know where this is going, but I will paint my soldiers and go day -to day and keep doing what I am doing and hope that at some point the universe can send me a sentry and that I can effect some change in my families life the way that they need. I will carry as much as I can and than multiply that. I don't have any other wish.
I guess that is all. I am glad to have gotten this out. I am glad to have this here, and at the end of the day, I guess it is better than nothing at all.
A
My trip to Burlington started on a cloudy morning on last Thursday. The train ride was interesting, as I purposefully did not bring an Ipod or any sort of music. I wanted to take in the experience of interacting with the people around me. I find that we all spend too much time plugged in and not turned on, so to speak. We tune in but then shut off, and I don't agree with this at all.
The train was swift, and I got in to a chilly Burlington night and my mother being up. I stayed for 4 days,and I want to say that it was relaxing and a vacation, but it was more like giving my regards to my own set of values, and then rebuilding them. My father isn't well, and it is far worse now than it was this time last year.
I feel so strange to this. I helped him in and out of bed, helped him use the bathroom, helped him in every aspect of his days, and as he steadfastly kept his pride and I kept my mine, there was a raging amount of empathy and love and pain there in the silence between us. It was too much to take at times, and I would excuse myself for a quick respite in the bathroom or on the porch while I collected myself. I have never had to be that strong in my life before, and I think I understand a bit about how our interactions will be as my time in moving up there comes closer.
My mother got to go out with her friend and have her own time in months, and it was good for her to do so. I taught my little sister how to play star wars miniatures and hooked a new gamer, and we talked about Twilight and what she was doing in her life and that was good as well. I think i bridge the gap in her life with the adults and her peers, as we are like minds, and it was good to get out and walk the town with her.
In the midst of all that life and co-eds and spring there was a looming ghost of things to come, and I know that there is no chance for me to turn back from these duties and the times will just get harder and harder.
I thought I couldn't deal with this, but I feel nothing. This is entirely new to me, as I usually am very emotional, but the initial shock of things aside, I am dealing in such a robotic way that I wonder where that part of me went. It is the same about my relationships, or lack thereof. I had thought that I would be seeing someone at this point, but I am having a hard time finding any sort of attraction to "click". I just don't feel anything. I think H broke a bit of me that I didn't know was breakable.
I am glad for that though, we need to be tempered by our scars and learn from those mistakes, and though there is a part of me that looks for love and such, I don't think I know what that means anymore, and at some point it will come along, or it won't. I care more at this point for the rain and my cloves and my brushes than I do for that.
It will have to be something stellar and a a woman beyond compare to be able to wake that up, and I will wait.
That aside, I have decided to stick around and spend a week a month up there for now, and that will be enough. I have found a new love and new respect for my family, and that is worth more than I thought it ever would. Or maybe I am growing up, or maybe I am growing colder, or maybe it isn't any of those things at all.
I want nothing. For once I am at an impasse as to what I care about or want. I can't find anything to be able to set my emotions a-flutter, and I am very speculative about the importance of said emotions at all.
I tried to wean myself off of my meds a bit, but that was a poor idea, and after a couple of days of not being able to do my daily routine, I thought it best to get back on schedule. I hate that numb feeling, but what is the alternative? I can't seem to find a happy ground between numb and pants-shitting anxious.
I want to not hate the ocean. I want to keep hating her. I want to be able to forgive and I really wish I won't. I would step into traffic to be able to have my father walk again without a walker and to hold his rifle for one more time. I am going to a re-enactment with him so I can hold his hand and help him shoot at redcoats for a final time in his life. The smell of black powder will always remind me of my duty as sentry to him and the duty of an only son to a father who is only doing the best he can.
This is really, really hard for me. I am silently going through another heartbreak, the second in less than 4 months, and I don't know how much more I can keep tearing this fucking thing out of my chest before there isn't anything left. My friends ask what is wrong, and how do I answer that?
I can't. It would be too much to give this to someone and try to expect empathy when we all have these hardships. I should of been there more for those people, and maybe I would have the right.
I don't know where this is going, but I will paint my soldiers and go day -to day and keep doing what I am doing and hope that at some point the universe can send me a sentry and that I can effect some change in my families life the way that they need. I will carry as much as I can and than multiply that. I don't have any other wish.
I guess that is all. I am glad to have gotten this out. I am glad to have this here, and at the end of the day, I guess it is better than nothing at all.
A