Asphterrasyphilus, Jason and The Argonauts, and Touching Balls
It should be henceforth known that I’m one of the biggest classical nerds ever. I practically know every Greek/Roman myth and even translated the Aeneid for a whole year (though Melissa would argue that I copied translations from her for a whole year. Whatever, semantics). Anyway, Sci Fi was re-airing Jason and the Argonauts so I watched, and laughed, and cried, and tried to stab myself with a spoon.
Thus, I bring you the extremely edited list of parts of Jason and the Argonauts deviate from the actual myth:
5) There was no archer girl! This is not LOTR!
6) Hercules was supposed to leave the quest for the golden fleece prior to finding Phineus the prophet.
15) They skipped over the Amazons/Argonauts encounter by combining the Amazons with the strange women of Lemnos (who were peaceful and did not try to kick the shit out Jason).
16) They rescued Gaius Baltar from the sea. Oh James Callis how I love thee...wait is he wearing a muumuu?
17) Gaius has an addiction where he must munch on leaves that look like potato chips.
22) I don’t think there were any mechanical bull rides back in the classical days.
27) Gaius says “cahoots” which I guarantee you they never said “cahoots” back then. But hey brownie points because this is Gaius Baltar!
31) Medea kills Gaius not by dismembering him nor does Jason stab him in the cloak of night. Instead, in this poor excuse of a telemovie, Gaius gets stabbed in the chest with a big ass lance. GAUIS!!!!!!!
35) Why is there a giant Lizard guarding the fleece? It’s supposed to be a snake not the Iguana I had back in fourth grade.
36) I don’t remember Orpheus making this trip with the Argonauts...therefore, no soothing of Godzilla.
39) Hercules dies! NO HE DOESN’T! He’s supposed to go on an complete the Twelve Tasks.
47) Bald Headed Actor #5: Me too, too!
****52) Jason has a speech on free will and mankind forging their own destiny...This is the biggest sin of classical thought. The Greeks believed in predetermined destiny and the gods controlling the affairs of men *excuses herself to kill the damn screenwriter*
In total, there were 57 grievances committed last night and now I must nail them upon the door of the dumbass screenwriter like Martin Luther.
However there were good things like:
Jolene Black (T’Pol) as Medea
James Callis (Gaius) as Asphterrasyphilus or something damn close
Man #1 eaten by giant lizard
Natasha Henstridge as Hypsipyle, Leader of Lemnos/Not! Amazons
Man #2 who jumped into the mouth of Lizze the Iguana
Olivia Wood (who was in the Postman which I was watching earlier that night. That movies is fantastic even if you think Kevin Costner can’t act. He can direct though. He directed the hell out of that movie. And it’s post-apocalyptic so brownie points) as Hera.
Crazy uncle who was the crazy dude in Land of the Dead that eventually gets blown up by John Leguizamo
EVERYONE DIES!
Did anyone see the new Burger King commercial for Super Bowl Sunday’s Football Game (by football I don’t mean the football that Americans call soccer)?
It has a close up of the Burger King King reaching under a man’s crotch and touching balls other than the football. And now I must scoop out my eyes with a spork. Excuse me.
Thus, I bring you the extremely edited list of parts of Jason and the Argonauts deviate from the actual myth:
5) There was no archer girl! This is not LOTR!
6) Hercules was supposed to leave the quest for the golden fleece prior to finding Phineus the prophet.
15) They skipped over the Amazons/Argonauts encounter by combining the Amazons with the strange women of Lemnos (who were peaceful and did not try to kick the shit out Jason).
16) They rescued Gaius Baltar from the sea. Oh James Callis how I love thee...wait is he wearing a muumuu?
17) Gaius has an addiction where he must munch on leaves that look like potato chips.
22) I don’t think there were any mechanical bull rides back in the classical days.
27) Gaius says “cahoots” which I guarantee you they never said “cahoots” back then. But hey brownie points because this is Gaius Baltar!
31) Medea kills Gaius not by dismembering him nor does Jason stab him in the cloak of night. Instead, in this poor excuse of a telemovie, Gaius gets stabbed in the chest with a big ass lance. GAUIS!!!!!!!
35) Why is there a giant Lizard guarding the fleece? It’s supposed to be a snake not the Iguana I had back in fourth grade.
36) I don’t remember Orpheus making this trip with the Argonauts...therefore, no soothing of Godzilla.
39) Hercules dies! NO HE DOESN’T! He’s supposed to go on an complete the Twelve Tasks.
47) Bald Headed Actor #5: Me too, too!
****52) Jason has a speech on free will and mankind forging their own destiny...This is the biggest sin of classical thought. The Greeks believed in predetermined destiny and the gods controlling the affairs of men *excuses herself to kill the damn screenwriter*
In total, there were 57 grievances committed last night and now I must nail them upon the door of the dumbass screenwriter like Martin Luther.
However there were good things like:
Jolene Black (T’Pol) as Medea
James Callis (Gaius) as Asphterrasyphilus or something damn close
Man #1 eaten by giant lizard
Natasha Henstridge as Hypsipyle, Leader of Lemnos/Not! Amazons
Man #2 who jumped into the mouth of Lizze the Iguana
Olivia Wood (who was in the Postman which I was watching earlier that night. That movies is fantastic even if you think Kevin Costner can’t act. He can direct though. He directed the hell out of that movie. And it’s post-apocalyptic so brownie points) as Hera.
Crazy uncle who was the crazy dude in Land of the Dead that eventually gets blown up by John Leguizamo
EVERYONE DIES!
Did anyone see the new Burger King commercial for Super Bowl Sunday’s Football Game (by football I don’t mean the football that Americans call soccer)?
It has a close up of the Burger King King reaching under a man’s crotch and touching balls other than the football. And now I must scoop out my eyes with a spork. Excuse me.