Line of Trust - Tora/Saga - 3/6 + epilogue
Title: Line of Trust
Chapter(s): 3/6 + epilogue
Author: sentimentalenvy
Genre: AU/Romance/little angst?
Rating: PG-13 - R
Warnings: language
Pairing/Characters: Tora/Saga, Shou/Hiroto, Shou/Saga, Tora/Nao (one sided).
Synopsis: Saga is thrilled when Tora accepts his feelings, and he is even more ecstatic to know that Tora is slowly building up the courage to try. But a man can only love and wait for someone for so long. Shou's unrequited love for Saga just might take a different course if Tora continues to do nothing to change his old habits. Saga suddenly wonders if Tora is even trying. Unfortunately not everything is supposed to start off perfect, but will it end perfect?
Comments: This is a multichapter fic which follows up right after Take a Chance. In this fic, the points of views are gonna vary o_o; (just a heads up). Chapters have been decided o_o! There’s gonna be 6 chapters in total (with the 7th one being the epilogue).
3
“Again, I’m really really really really really sorry!” A heavy breath was exhaled as Saga bent down to bow over and over again before Hiroto who was attempting to grab a hold of Saga’s shoulders to stop him.
This kind of scene was pretty common with Hiroto and Saga. Every single time Shou would end up barging out during his hours and Hiroto was always the one stuck with the stubby short tempered boss with some random bullshit excuses floating around in his stealthy mind. Hiroto was smart and he was also good with the customers which were probably the reasons why his boss liked him so much.
“Saga please! You really don’t have to come to my house to apologize every single time Shou does something stupid! I know you are and I appreciate your concern. It’s not as troublesome as you think,” Hiroto lied. Constantly lying to his boss by covering Shou’s ass with a bunch of excuses wasn’t as easy as it looked. Every time he lied, he was putting his own job on the line as well. Sometimes he thought if Shou even cared.
That led him to another question: Did Shou even care? Hiroto sighed inwardly and looked down at Saga who was apparently still on his knees looking at him with big anxious blue eyes. This man kneeling before him made him wonder what it is about him that Shou loved so much. Saga was a nice guy, friendly, good looking and everything but he had seen guys like him by the handful. Or it could be that Saga wasn’t very much his type. Or it could be the obvious reason: jealousy? Oh how he hated that sinful word. Jealousy was a monster that could twist and taint people’s hearts to do things they wouldn’t do if they were in their right mind.
“You have to know that I’m really trying not to get Shou in trouble or anything,” Saga sniffed.
He was really kind of whiny sometimes and he reminded Hiroto of those little pouty kids you just had to spoil rotten. Saga had that image of someone who needs someone to take care of him - to protect him. Hiroto envied that sort of gift because as small as he looked himself, he had a tough aura. Due to his own personal reasons, Hiroto had learned and adapted the skill of looking like he was nobody to mess with.
Maybe Shou preferred the needy looking people. He had seen Saga visit him and Shou at their work in a mess even he wanted to walk up to Saga and throw his arms around the brown headed boy to comfort him. What if he was like that? Would Shou show more interest in him if he was cute and helpless looking as well? No, that wasn’t a very nice thing to say about Saga was it…
He had developed feelings for his co-worker for almost a year now. The relationship between them was as expected: platonic. Then again it would be rude of him to wish for Shou to get deep and romantically involved with him to the point where he’d see Shou thrown in jail for being a pedophiliac. Oh no…Hiroto shouldn’t grin about something like that.
“I know,” Hiroto repeated for the umpteenth time that day. He sighed wearily and looked down at Saga who was still on his knees. He still looked miserable and Hiroto felt that familiar urge surging within him to comfort this guy. Again. “Uhm…I know it’s not any of my business to ask, but…when Shou had to leave yesterday, it was…concerning Tora right?”
“Eh…” Saga blinked twice before he stood up and looked down at his feet with a sheepish smile. “Yeah…but we’re alright now. I know you’re probably sick of hearing about the whole Tora thing all the time. I even get sick of mention his name so often,” Saga said softly as he walked over to Hiroto’s couch and plopped himself into it. Hiroto raised an eyebrow and waited for Saga to continue. “I know I shouldn’t ask Shou for help all the time and I know it’s a horrible habit to drag him out whenever I need him but - ugh this shouldn’t even be an excuse. I’m sorry. Whatever happens with Tora is my problem - I’ll just…suck it up.”
“Well you don’t have to go through everything by yourself all the time,” Hiroto chuckled. “Friends are here for a reason too.”
A thought suddenly dawned on Hiroto as an imaginary light bulb of an idea popped into his head. If everything were to go well with Tora and Saga, Saga wouldn’t have to run over to Shou every time something went wrong! Shou may be in love with Saga, but with Saga’s resolved resolution with Tora, maybe getting closer with Shou would be a little easier. Obviously Shou would be heartbroken by his final decision, and that would be Hiroto’s cue to come in and comfort…!
“I know. I’m so needy even I’d be annoyed of myself,” Saga pouted, leaning back to rest his back against the couch. “I’ll do my best Hiroto. I promise!”
“Aaa! You two will be fine! All you need is confidence! Confidence!” Hiroto exclaimed with his fists pumped into the air. Saga looked startled as Hiroto literally hopped onto the couch and Saga could imagine him flying off the couch from Hiroto’s sudden weight.
“Huh?”
“You lack confidence,” Hiroto simply said, looking straight into Saga’s confused unblinking eyes. “Of course you should know by now that I know whatever it is that’s going on with you and Tora, so don’t look at me with that expression,” He mumbled with a scowl. “If trust is what’s really worrying you, why not dig deeper than that? What exactly…what is it that doesn’t make you trust him?”
“Uh - I figured it was obvious…” Saga looked down to see his fingers fiddling with the ends of his button up shirt. “I don’t think there’s a girl he hasn’t harassed or swept off their feet.”
“Shut up. I just needed an opening line for my explanation,” Hiroto huffed, crossing his arms; he scooted a little further away. “Look, the point is...you can’t just expect Tora to magically shift his sexual preferences by himself. It’s you that has to help him along the way. When was the last time you guys had an actual date?”
“Never,” Saga answered dully, and Hiroto could see that Saga knew where he was getting at. “Damn it you’re right…”
“Friend dates don’t count by the way,” Hiroto added. “You need to show him you’re serious! Throw some kinky foreplay in the mix! Kissing is so overrated. If sex is what you’re worried about, don’t be! You’re almost 30 for god sake go get some man! Demand that fucking tiger to SHOVE IT!”
Silence.
“Shove what?”
“Your face. What the hell do you think I mean?”
Saga stared at Hiroto with wide eyes and Hiroto was sure he had gone a little over the line. The air around them was suddenly thick and he felt incredibly embarrassed and dirty and most of all…he felt shameful. When he was around Saga, it always felt weird. It was like when they were watching some comedy shows on TV at Saga’s house, and whenever Hiroto laughed at the perverted jokes, Saga would do nothing but either chuckle a little or stare at him like he was the problem.
“So? What do you think?”
“No.”
“You know…I’m only a 17 year old kid and I can honestly say that I have more experience than you. That’s pretty sad,” Hiroto said with a deadpan tone that made Saga scowl in shame. “I understand keeping your innocence is important to anyone, but you only live once. You wanna know what I think is more important than giving up the goods first? You’re giving yourself to the person you love.”
Saga’s eyes moved intently from his lap to Hiroto’s eyes. Hiroto looked back at him with determination in hopes that Saga would consider it. He may be saying this for his own benefits, but when he thought about it a second time, it did make sense. It was obvious that Saga wanted Tora in more ways than mere kissing and hardly any touching. Hiroto decided he was helping Saga anyway. Tora probably did too. Man or not, he was still a man. No man can say no to sex.
“I’ll…I’ll think about it…” Saga sighed. “You’re right…I think…”
“You know I am. Don’t be ashamed to take advice from an under aged more experienced child,” Hiroto smirked impishly as Saga immediately stood up and cleared his throat from embarrassment.
“I’ll be leaving now.”
“Oh? So soon? Do you really wanna step into the battle field without any weapon of any sort? Lube? Condoms? What flavor? Color? BOOKS?” Hiroto grinned, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Saga. Saga gulped audibly and he felt incredibly stupid for not getting Hiroto’s supposed perverted joke.
“Like…what?” He asked with narrowed eyes filled with caution and suspicion. “You’re not talkin’ handcuffs, blindfolds and cat o’ nine tails are you?”
“Uh…not what I’m trying to say but I like the way you think. Geez you’re like an animal in heat trapped in an innocent body - oh mai god this is so exciting!” Hiroto grinned toothily as his little body bounced up and down in excitement. “I really just meant tips. You don’t wanna have sex looking like a clueless dimwit…do you?”
What could be better than Saga finally being happy with Tora?! It was the fact that Shou would finally learn to deal with what was in front of him and finally move on. It wasn’t like he had anything against Saga, but to him it seemed like they were all running around in an endless circle anyway. Saga wasn’t getting what he wanted because he was doing nothing to get it. Hiroto didn’t see Saga fighting for Tora’s attention when he was still flirting shamelessly with other girls. The man didn’t even make a move to even look remotely jealous.
He didn’t understand how a man could stand there with a smile like he was okay with his man’s inventory being taken away from the enemy - let alone a woman. If Saga would just step up for once, he would have a better chance. Besides…Tora didn’t look like much of a committed person. He didn’t know the guy all that well but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to come to a conclusion that Tora was a freaking womanizer.
“I hate you,” Saga sighed dejectedly.
* * * * * * * * * *
“Holy crap how many carrots do you intend on shoving in the soup?” Shou asked with his eyes wide open.
An afternoon had already passed since Hiroto had that little sex chat with Saga and he found himself here in his own home cooking dinner for Shou and him. Hiroto didn’t know what it was, but this feeling was just pumping through his veins to pick up that phone and call Shou over as soon as he could. A casual hangout for dinner wasn’t date like and he knew Shou would assume it was a normal night at Hiroto’s place. It shouldn’t matter because Shou was here with him and he didn’t want anything more or anything less. He just didn’t want Shou reaching into his coat or pant pockets for his damn phone. He didn’t want to hear Saga bitch and moan about how Tora was being a bastard. If Saga didn’t want to be treated like shit, why does he even bother staying with that guy? It just didn’t make any sense.
“What are you implying?” Hiroto seethed, chopping the last piece of carrot with a thwack instead of a careful slice. Shou’s eyes widened even more as he shook his head and mumbled a ‘never mind’. “Thought so. You owe me a hang out buster. It’s the least you could to for me since I’m always backing your ass up. Saga can take care of himself you know.”
“Mn, I know that,” Shou nodded and stared at the insides of the sink in wonder. “You know how Tora is right?”
“Who doesn’t,” Hiroto snorted and made sure that Shou saw his eyes roll upwards. “He reeks of that nasty perfume smell. If he says he’s not gay, then he shouldn’t be saying that Gucci shit is his. Who does he think he is? Saga’s not an idiot -”
“Wait. What?” Shou asked, suddenly stepping close to Hiroto. Hiroto’s arm twitched and he immediately jerked away when Shou placed his hand on top of his shoulder. He mumbled a little apology before Shou continued once more. “Tora was with whom?”
“I dunno. He’s always with a buncha girls. I’m surprised he hasn’t caught STDS yet. How am I supposed to keep track? Oh god please don’t tell me you do. Dude! He’s a man - can you really blame him?” Hiroto sighed, focusing on his carrot again and started slicing each piece by thin piece. “He’s not even taken.”
“But…Saga-”
“Can you just shut-!” Hiroto spat out abruptly, and froze midsentence before he caught himself slipping. He steadied his hand on the cutting knife and carefully pushed the sliced carrots aside. Grabbing the celery stick carefully from the plastic bag, he began to focus on cutting it to get his mind off of loosing his cool. He couldn’t loose control over a conversation as little as this. Disappointing Shou was something he couldn’t allow. “Saga’s a big boy. He can take care of himself. I’ve had a con - I’ve just talked to him a bit that’s all.”
“I saw Tora with a different girl at the arcade today. I didn’t like listening to the dirty details. I mean when you have sex you don’t tell the fucking public. I just don’t know if I should tell Saga or not. Then again…I don’t think he’d be very surprised. I hate seeing Saga suffering like this. He deserves so much more than that bastard,” Shou growled angrily, slamming his fist onto the sink counter. Hiroto winced at the sound of Shou’s fist colliding with his kitchen furniture. Having Shou tear down his kitchen wasn’t what he had in mind. “That sick…”
“Don’t worry. I told Saga if he wanted Tora, he was gonna have to -”
“You what? What did you say Hiroto? Why are you even helping that bastard?!” Shou asked, choking at the ‘what’. “Tell me. I know Saga tells you things he probably doesn’t even talk to me about. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?!” Shou asked more to himself than Hiroto. He turned to face Hiroto, but Hiroto couldn’t find the courage to face him and look him in the eye. “What did you tell him?”
“I…” Hiroto mumbled softly as he felt his hand tremble slightly from nervousness. He had hoped that Shou wouldn’t slap him across the face for saying this. The least he could do was be honest with the person he loved. But lying sounded like a tempting idea right now. If he told Shou that he advised Saga to go have sex with Tora, taught him all that … stuff… that would lower his chances completely. Hiroto was so riled up in his thoughts he hadn’t realized those words slip out of his mouth. “I told Saga to go make a move on Tora -”
“….What kind of move? Hold on…oh god…you’re not saying …”
“Shou - I - I was just trying to help him I mean he seemed so desperate I mean with the whole Tora thing I would have figured that those two would have done something other than - you know. Oh crap I’m sorry Shou!” The boy set his knife down, and gripped the side corner of the counter with shut eyes.
Hiroto looked up to see Shou staring back at him in shock and he didn’t know what other emotion was in Shou’s eyes. His heart was pounding so hard against his chest he had to grasp the front of his shirt to calm himself, but it was impossible. Thoughts and scenes were playing in his head already. Shou would leave him to go warn Saga about Tora’s not so surprising acts. Like Saga didn’t know that? Shou was going to leave him again wasn’t he? Hiroto couldn’t let that happen again.
“I don’t…know what - I have to go talk to him -”
“No! Shou wait!” A desperate dry whimper strangled against Hiroto’s throat but he couldn’t quite make it out loud and clear. What other sign did he have to throw at the man to tell him that he needed him too? Saga was spoiled enough! His heart started to pound even harder when Shou was already slipping quickly into his coat and his eyes darted left and right for some sort of …
“Ow!”
Hiroto was never fond of doing stupid things, and this was by far the stupidest he had ever done. He looked down to see a long line of blood flowing from the underside of his forearms down to his wrist. Had he been so desperate he cut himself with a damn knife just to keep Shou from leaving? Nothing else could explain this sort of injury unless people knew he was some sort of lunatic that did it on purpose. Shou whirled around in surprise and Hiroto suddenly could only see the front of Shou’s shirt as the taller man grabbed some thick paper towels off the rack.
“Hiroto! Damn it how can you be so careless?!” He demanded in a scolding but gentle tone. Hiroto sensed a hint of worry and concern and he wanted to smile contently as Shou snapped the faucet up and gently ran the cooling water down his stinging arm. As crazy as it sounded and looked like to have his arm bleeding and a smile drawn creepily onto his face, he suddenly didn’t feel any remorse for what he did. Just for now, he had Shou all to himself.
* * * * * * * * * *
“A DATE?! You’re joking right?! But you said we’d have dinner together! TONIGHT! Not next Monday, not next next Monday, not next week, TONIGHT!” Saga exclaimed and huffed, tossing his arms into the air in clear emphasis. “Are you blowing off your best friend for some girl you’ll never see again?! What kind of friend are you!?” He exclaimed angrily as Tora zoomed past him after he had sprayed some cologne onto himself.
“Relax we have plenty of other days to hang out,” Tora reasoned with Saga, but not spending so much time on trying to convince him otherwise.
“No!”
“This shirt smells,” Tora stated simply as he walked over to his closet with his dress shirt’s buttons undone and Saga wanted to grumble in irritancy of Tora’s recent behavior. Why the hell was he doing this to him?! “I think the black one looks more casual…or white,” Tora muttered, frowning at his set of wardrobes.
Saga gripped the sides of his head and shook vigorously desperately in attempt to shake Hiroto’s haunting but undeniably true words out of his head. He hated to admit it but that little runt was right. It wasn’t Tora’s fault for going out all the time. But what the hell could a man need besides sex?
Saga couldn’t understand what it was that caused men to be like parched lust thirsty animals when he was a man himself. Was sex really all that great? Would sex really turn you into someone you’re not? Or could it possibly ruin your life? All he knew right now was that if he didn’t do anything soon, this was going to continue on forever. Saga would never be able to progress. Maybe getting more intimate was supposed to be within the process of getting Tora to be his and only his. He couldn’t expect Tora to suddenly give up his sex life for him - although that would be very nice if he did…and very selfish of himself for thinking that.
“Tora, you’re not going. I don’t want you to,” Saga muttered nervously, and watched for Tora’s reaction but he only ended up pushing a set of clothes aside. He frowned as Tora’s back stared him in the face and he felt a pang of jealousy and anger rush into his veins. “Hey! Are you listening to me?!”
“Why are you so worked up over something so small anyway? Why are you suddenly like some sort of short fuse today?” Tora asked with a weary sigh, turning around to stare Saga in the eyes. “You know these girls don’t mean anything. They aren’t as nearly as important as you are -”
“Then why do you keep doing it?! If they don’t mean anything to you then why are you treating me even worse than them? Sometimes I think you give them more attention than you do me. What is it about me that you want fixed? Why are you doing this to me?!” Saga didn’t realize his voice rising higher after ever demanding sentence. He was so tired of beating around the bushes because he wanted straight answers now. “I want to know how you feel! I want to know that I’m not wasting my time. Why are you doing this to me…especially when you know how I feel?!” Saga cried, shoving Tora’s chest hard with the palms of his hands, he gripped the collar of Tora’s open shirt to pull him back into a bruising kiss.
Tora was perplexed with wide eyes as he grabbed onto Saga’s shoulder to push him slightly away. “Calm down!”
“It’s what you want isn’t it?” Saga asked as he looked up at Tora with pleading eyes. “I’m giving it to you. Why aren’t you taking it?” He didn’t know what else to say or do, and he probably looked really stupid and foolish, but what was he to do. It was mildly embarrassing but if Tora walked out that door leaving him like this then he decided he would probably give Tora some space for a long time.
“Saga…” Tora’s voice came out in an unexpected stutter. “It’s not like that.”
Maybe Saga had taken that the wrong way or it was exactly what it sounded like. What did he mean by saying ‘It’s not like that?’ It wasn’t like what? He knew he shouldn’t jump into conclusions and he should let Tora explain himself, but he continued staring into Tora’s eyes with wonder and confusion and Tora still hadn’t said a word. He was so tired of this cat and mouse game. Saga felt as if it was him that was doing the chasing and Tora was the mouse he could never catch.
“I’m sorry,” Saga sighed and tried his best to take a breather. “You’re right.”
Tora was right anyway. He sort of felt ashamed for being so conceited to think that Tora would even think about having sex with him. It was obvious that Saga was already expecting too much of what he thought Tora could handle. Kissing was one thing and well that - of course was an entirely different thing as well. Saga’s face was red with embarrassment and he had never felt so damn humiliated in his entire life. Wow this was surely the kind of outcome he wanted to see in his love life. To be sort of rejected by his crush and best friend and to be topped off with more rejection when the man you love didn’t want to get any more intimate than a simple kiss on the cheek or mouth. Saga wanted to know what it would really be like to truly be with a loved one but that wasn’t going to happen. He had tried to when he was in high school…with a girl. But of course he didn’t get anywhere further than holding holds. Kisses on the cheek were alright but it was like a phobia when it came to lip to lip contact. Saga couldn’t help but feel as if it was some sort of yuri kind of relationship. Eh…
After the first few seconds of awkward silence, Saga looked up to see that Tora was looking away and he could tell that his best friend was trying to think of something to say. He suddenly felt terrible for making Tora feel uncomfortable. Up until the day he confessed things were alright weren’t they? This was so troublesome…
“I ah…think you should get back to getting dressed. This shirt should do,” Saga said softly with a grin, shaky fingers reaching out to button the buttons on Tora’s shirt.
Being strong wasn’t exactly Saga’s strongest point, actually it wasn’t really his forte at all. His only answer to everything was really just running away. Trying to change himself was his first goal on the list. The old him would probably bolt out that door right now, but he was mighty proud of the fact that he was doing his best right now. By running off to Shou like a needy kid would just make him feel worse.
Eyes focused intently on fixing up button after button but his fingers seemed to tremble uncontrollably he couldn’t even get a button through a hole anymore. Saga decided he would forget it and excuse himself but a pair of larger hands covered his hands and wrists to stop him from doing so. He was surprised and startled when Tora gave his hands an affectionate squeeze.
“Tora,” Saga realized his voice had come out in a small whine because he wanted to kiss him so bad, but there was something that pulled him back. Insecurity? Confusion was such an annoying wrenching feeling. For once he would have loved to just know what the hell he was doing and just do it.
Was love all about taking risks? Saga had always been so careful and with Tora it was like walking on broken glass or more like egg shells. Tora looked like he was going to say something, but Saga’s twitched slightly at the sudden sound of his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. Slowly sliding his hands from Tora’s hold, he dug into his pockets and slid out his cell phone to look at the caller I.D. It was probably a habit, but Saga always ended up mumbling Shou’s name before picking up the phone. He didn’t have a chance to slide the top up to answer because Tora had taken the phone out of his hands and ended the call immediately. Saga’s eyes widened in surprise and his arm shot out in attempt to grab his phone back.
“Tora! That was uncalled for!” Saga exclaimed, jumping up again but Tora raised it out of his reach. Grabbing at Tora’s shoulder for support, Saga lurched forward once more with a frustrated expression. “Tora please! Just give me back my phone! I can’t believe you’d stoop that low you’d treat him so horribly like that! What did he ever do to you?! You’re being so immature!” He half screamed, hitting Tora hard on the arm. “You’re such a jerk!”
He was so frustrated he felt the words caught up in his throat. Tora was sending him mixed signals it was pissing him off. Leaving would be a very wise and convincing option for him right now but unfortunately Tora had his phone, and Saga wasn’t going anywhere without his phone. Shou would have thought that Saga was ignoring him for a random because right now Tora kept on ending the calls when Shou tried calling back twice. Saga didn’t want that.
“Amano Shinji you’re giving me my phone back right now!” Saga frowned, staring at Tora like he meant business. Tora raised an eyebrow at the use of his full name. The expression on Tora’s face was none other than amusement and a glint in his eyes told Saga he was taunting him. “I’m not fucking around, Tora. Give it to me. I don’t want Shou thinking I’m ignoring him because of something you did.”
“Why the hell should you care?” Tora snorted, gaze shifting carelessly to the side.
“Why the hell should you?” Saga shot back. “Jesus - ! What I do with friends is my business! You have no right to tell me who I can hang out with and who I can’t. And as for the jealousy thing, so what if he has feelings for me? I don’t see how that’s any of your business. Maybe I have a better chance with him,” Saga’s voice had lowered immensely at his last statement.
He knew Tora heard because he saw Tora’s hand twitch, thus causing the cell phone to loosen slightly in his hand. Saga took the opportunity to quickly grab the cell phone out of Tora’s hands. Tora didn’t seem startled, but more of as if he was in a trance.
“So you prefer him over me?” Tora scoffed, sending Saga a bitter glare and smile. “You’re always taking his side making me the f ucking bad guy. You’ve ignored him for so long in high school and you’re suddenly showering him with all this care and affection? Where does that put me then huh?”
“What the - do you even know what the hell you’re talking about?!” Saga asked in bewilderment.
“You said you loved me.”
“I do - ”
“Bullshit.”
Saga’s eyes shot open in surprise, and he struck Tora across the face. Again. Two times within the same year couldn’t be a good sign. The first time he had hit Tora was the time he had said even worse things to Shou and this time the blow to his face was harder than ever before. The whole backside of Saga’s hand was stinging and burning with raw stingy pain, he actually winced at the sound and collision of his hand with Tora’s face. It may have been the second time Saga had hit him, but he would never have the heart to literally beat him or hurt Tora any more than a slap. The scary thing about this was that he didn't draw back from shock. Saga wanted to hit him.
This sudden rush of anger and hurt ran into his veins once more and Saga was sure he had never felt something like this for a long time. If he did it would be extremely rare. His blood was boiling and his heart ached in anger and sadness all at the same time. He wanted to push Tora to the ground and punch the living daylights out of him. He would have loved to just hurt Tora just so the man could feel the pain he felt. Physical or not it didn’t matter. Saga shook his head. Forget it. He could never summon the courage to do that. He hardly saw Tora actually hurt or depressed over something serious. Saga couldn’t imagine how someone could go on living life without loving anybody. And it hurt so much to know that even he couldn’t change Tora the way he was now.
“I don’t think I can take any of this crap anymore. I’ve honestly thought that I’ve done all I could. What more could I have possibly done for you to realize that I’m trying to make this work out between us? We both know we’re not getting anywhere. I’ve said everything that’s been needed to say with my feelings and what not, and you’re being jealous with Shou and it’s driving me insane! You know how I feel and you’re fooling around with girls like I’m not even fucking there!” Saga yelled, frustrated with the fact that Tora wasn’t even looking at him when he was being spoken to. The look on Tora’s face was indescribable. Saga didn’t see a hint of emotion; he didn’t realize or feel his whole body was trembling uncontrollably. But he knew he had to get everything out of his system before he left. All of the thoughts in his mind were going to be revealed tonight and he was going to make sure that Tora knew of it.
“I’ve given you time to at least think about it and try. I thought with me, you would - you said you’d do anything to make me happy but I don’t think you’ve been using that time at all. You said I was important and special to you but I don’t see how different I am with everyone else. Ever since I’ve confessed, you’ve been treating me like I’m someone else. During the times you’ve shown me some sort of sweet affection I wonder if you do it out of pity. The times you were jealous of Shou, I’m always find myself wondering if you are because maybe, just maybe you felt protective of me because it’s me. I should have known you were doing this for your selfish need. You’ve always been greedy as a child. You’ve been greedy with your friends and everything else you labeled YOURS. God! You’ve always been so damn persistent and touchy with your damn pride,” Saga’s voice started to shake and crack but that didn’t stop him. Oh no he had more he needed to get off his chest.
“I will not be used or mistreated like I’m some sort of fucking pet! You’re driving people away from me! The people that have shown me more emotion, care and consideration than you’re acting right now. Until you’ve figured out what it is that you need to figure out, I don’t ever want to see you. Don’t show your face to me until you’ve figured out whatever the fuck it is you need to sort out,” Saga spat, immediately turning around and he was already halfway out of Tora’s room. He stopped with his back turned to Tora and face buried into the palm of his hands for a quick moment. “You know I don’t only pity myself for letting this nonsense drag on for this long. The one I pity the most is you."
Tora still didn’t say a word, but Saga wasn’t expecting any more of it. Nothing about Tora really surprised him all that much anymore. He didn’t have the heart or guts to tell Tora he didn’t want to see him anymore. It was hard enough confronting all of that already. But he couldn’t bring himself to end it…this…whatever the hell kind of relationship they had with each other. Should it still be called friendship?
“Have fun on your date,” Saga muttered bitterly, taking that last step out the door before giving it a final slam.
It didn’t occur to him that the moment he slammed that door shut, could be the last time he would ever see Tora’s face again. Tora could easily just forget what he said and continue on living his life as if nothing happened. Hell if he was comfortable with a life like that, what did he need Saga for? Saga continued making his way out of Tora’s apartment and he couldn’t help but feel devastated that Tora made no move to follow him or not even the decency to look him in the eye; let alone his direction. All those years of so called friendship were an illusion? Tora had made everything so true and with all the years that have gone by he would have figured they had something stronger.
He still felt incredibly angry, but he could never blame Tora for any of this. He didn’t regret just telling Tora the things he said. Because for once in his entire life, he had been the most honest as he could be. And now that the slate was somewhat wiped clean, he felt sort of at ease…with that part at least.
Right now, he just wanted to be held or at least be holding someone. Any comfort of any sort would be perfect but he couldn’t even have that anymore! Saga wasn’t going to deny it when he immediately thought of Shou, but it was getting dark and it would be rude to call Shou at this hour. Did he have a night shift tonight? Saga couldn’t remember. Probably not…but if he did, he didn’t want to trouble Hiroto with another excuse. Shaking his head vigorously, he trudged towards the bus stop and sighed thankfully as a bus was already heading towards his stop. The bus came to a stop in front of him, and with a squeak, the double doors opened and he hastily wiped the tears in his eyes. Saga eagerly hopped his way inside without a second glance towards those familiar pair of dark eyes watching him from the window.
A/N: I’m SUPPOSED to be studying but for y’all, I’d do almost anything D: . Ok seriously now o_o. Well anyway I’m sure there is always someone wondering about wtf Tora would be thinking XD; Next chapter I’m gonna have his point of view because I just think the whole ‘pointing fingers calling Tora a bastard thing’ should come with a mini ‘let Tora explain’ side of the story. Do I make sense? Sorry I think I’m catching a cold. NO! I’m tireed -__-.
2 | 4
Chapter(s): 3/6 + epilogue
Author: sentimentalenvy
Genre: AU/Romance/little angst?
Rating: PG-13 - R
Warnings: language
Pairing/Characters: Tora/Saga, Shou/Hiroto, Shou/Saga, Tora/Nao (one sided).
Synopsis: Saga is thrilled when Tora accepts his feelings, and he is even more ecstatic to know that Tora is slowly building up the courage to try. But a man can only love and wait for someone for so long. Shou's unrequited love for Saga just might take a different course if Tora continues to do nothing to change his old habits. Saga suddenly wonders if Tora is even trying. Unfortunately not everything is supposed to start off perfect, but will it end perfect?
Comments: This is a multichapter fic which follows up right after Take a Chance. In this fic, the points of views are gonna vary o_o; (just a heads up). Chapters have been decided o_o! There’s gonna be 6 chapters in total (with the 7th one being the epilogue).
3
“Again, I’m really really really really really sorry!” A heavy breath was exhaled as Saga bent down to bow over and over again before Hiroto who was attempting to grab a hold of Saga’s shoulders to stop him.
This kind of scene was pretty common with Hiroto and Saga. Every single time Shou would end up barging out during his hours and Hiroto was always the one stuck with the stubby short tempered boss with some random bullshit excuses floating around in his stealthy mind. Hiroto was smart and he was also good with the customers which were probably the reasons why his boss liked him so much.
“Saga please! You really don’t have to come to my house to apologize every single time Shou does something stupid! I know you are and I appreciate your concern. It’s not as troublesome as you think,” Hiroto lied. Constantly lying to his boss by covering Shou’s ass with a bunch of excuses wasn’t as easy as it looked. Every time he lied, he was putting his own job on the line as well. Sometimes he thought if Shou even cared.
That led him to another question: Did Shou even care? Hiroto sighed inwardly and looked down at Saga who was apparently still on his knees looking at him with big anxious blue eyes. This man kneeling before him made him wonder what it is about him that Shou loved so much. Saga was a nice guy, friendly, good looking and everything but he had seen guys like him by the handful. Or it could be that Saga wasn’t very much his type. Or it could be the obvious reason: jealousy? Oh how he hated that sinful word. Jealousy was a monster that could twist and taint people’s hearts to do things they wouldn’t do if they were in their right mind.
“You have to know that I’m really trying not to get Shou in trouble or anything,” Saga sniffed.
He was really kind of whiny sometimes and he reminded Hiroto of those little pouty kids you just had to spoil rotten. Saga had that image of someone who needs someone to take care of him - to protect him. Hiroto envied that sort of gift because as small as he looked himself, he had a tough aura. Due to his own personal reasons, Hiroto had learned and adapted the skill of looking like he was nobody to mess with.
Maybe Shou preferred the needy looking people. He had seen Saga visit him and Shou at their work in a mess even he wanted to walk up to Saga and throw his arms around the brown headed boy to comfort him. What if he was like that? Would Shou show more interest in him if he was cute and helpless looking as well? No, that wasn’t a very nice thing to say about Saga was it…
He had developed feelings for his co-worker for almost a year now. The relationship between them was as expected: platonic. Then again it would be rude of him to wish for Shou to get deep and romantically involved with him to the point where he’d see Shou thrown in jail for being a pedophiliac. Oh no…Hiroto shouldn’t grin about something like that.
“I know,” Hiroto repeated for the umpteenth time that day. He sighed wearily and looked down at Saga who was still on his knees. He still looked miserable and Hiroto felt that familiar urge surging within him to comfort this guy. Again. “Uhm…I know it’s not any of my business to ask, but…when Shou had to leave yesterday, it was…concerning Tora right?”
“Eh…” Saga blinked twice before he stood up and looked down at his feet with a sheepish smile. “Yeah…but we’re alright now. I know you’re probably sick of hearing about the whole Tora thing all the time. I even get sick of mention his name so often,” Saga said softly as he walked over to Hiroto’s couch and plopped himself into it. Hiroto raised an eyebrow and waited for Saga to continue. “I know I shouldn’t ask Shou for help all the time and I know it’s a horrible habit to drag him out whenever I need him but - ugh this shouldn’t even be an excuse. I’m sorry. Whatever happens with Tora is my problem - I’ll just…suck it up.”
“Well you don’t have to go through everything by yourself all the time,” Hiroto chuckled. “Friends are here for a reason too.”
A thought suddenly dawned on Hiroto as an imaginary light bulb of an idea popped into his head. If everything were to go well with Tora and Saga, Saga wouldn’t have to run over to Shou every time something went wrong! Shou may be in love with Saga, but with Saga’s resolved resolution with Tora, maybe getting closer with Shou would be a little easier. Obviously Shou would be heartbroken by his final decision, and that would be Hiroto’s cue to come in and comfort…!
“I know. I’m so needy even I’d be annoyed of myself,” Saga pouted, leaning back to rest his back against the couch. “I’ll do my best Hiroto. I promise!”
“Aaa! You two will be fine! All you need is confidence! Confidence!” Hiroto exclaimed with his fists pumped into the air. Saga looked startled as Hiroto literally hopped onto the couch and Saga could imagine him flying off the couch from Hiroto’s sudden weight.
“Huh?”
“You lack confidence,” Hiroto simply said, looking straight into Saga’s confused unblinking eyes. “Of course you should know by now that I know whatever it is that’s going on with you and Tora, so don’t look at me with that expression,” He mumbled with a scowl. “If trust is what’s really worrying you, why not dig deeper than that? What exactly…what is it that doesn’t make you trust him?”
“Uh - I figured it was obvious…” Saga looked down to see his fingers fiddling with the ends of his button up shirt. “I don’t think there’s a girl he hasn’t harassed or swept off their feet.”
“Shut up. I just needed an opening line for my explanation,” Hiroto huffed, crossing his arms; he scooted a little further away. “Look, the point is...you can’t just expect Tora to magically shift his sexual preferences by himself. It’s you that has to help him along the way. When was the last time you guys had an actual date?”
“Never,” Saga answered dully, and Hiroto could see that Saga knew where he was getting at. “Damn it you’re right…”
“Friend dates don’t count by the way,” Hiroto added. “You need to show him you’re serious! Throw some kinky foreplay in the mix! Kissing is so overrated. If sex is what you’re worried about, don’t be! You’re almost 30 for god sake go get some man! Demand that fucking tiger to SHOVE IT!”
Silence.
“Shove what?”
“Your face. What the hell do you think I mean?”
Saga stared at Hiroto with wide eyes and Hiroto was sure he had gone a little over the line. The air around them was suddenly thick and he felt incredibly embarrassed and dirty and most of all…he felt shameful. When he was around Saga, it always felt weird. It was like when they were watching some comedy shows on TV at Saga’s house, and whenever Hiroto laughed at the perverted jokes, Saga would do nothing but either chuckle a little or stare at him like he was the problem.
“So? What do you think?”
“No.”
“You know…I’m only a 17 year old kid and I can honestly say that I have more experience than you. That’s pretty sad,” Hiroto said with a deadpan tone that made Saga scowl in shame. “I understand keeping your innocence is important to anyone, but you only live once. You wanna know what I think is more important than giving up the goods first? You’re giving yourself to the person you love.”
Saga’s eyes moved intently from his lap to Hiroto’s eyes. Hiroto looked back at him with determination in hopes that Saga would consider it. He may be saying this for his own benefits, but when he thought about it a second time, it did make sense. It was obvious that Saga wanted Tora in more ways than mere kissing and hardly any touching. Hiroto decided he was helping Saga anyway. Tora probably did too. Man or not, he was still a man. No man can say no to sex.
“I’ll…I’ll think about it…” Saga sighed. “You’re right…I think…”
“You know I am. Don’t be ashamed to take advice from an under aged more experienced child,” Hiroto smirked impishly as Saga immediately stood up and cleared his throat from embarrassment.
“I’ll be leaving now.”
“Oh? So soon? Do you really wanna step into the battle field without any weapon of any sort? Lube? Condoms? What flavor? Color? BOOKS?” Hiroto grinned, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Saga. Saga gulped audibly and he felt incredibly stupid for not getting Hiroto’s supposed perverted joke.
“Like…what?” He asked with narrowed eyes filled with caution and suspicion. “You’re not talkin’ handcuffs, blindfolds and cat o’ nine tails are you?”
“Uh…not what I’m trying to say but I like the way you think. Geez you’re like an animal in heat trapped in an innocent body - oh mai god this is so exciting!” Hiroto grinned toothily as his little body bounced up and down in excitement. “I really just meant tips. You don’t wanna have sex looking like a clueless dimwit…do you?”
What could be better than Saga finally being happy with Tora?! It was the fact that Shou would finally learn to deal with what was in front of him and finally move on. It wasn’t like he had anything against Saga, but to him it seemed like they were all running around in an endless circle anyway. Saga wasn’t getting what he wanted because he was doing nothing to get it. Hiroto didn’t see Saga fighting for Tora’s attention when he was still flirting shamelessly with other girls. The man didn’t even make a move to even look remotely jealous.
He didn’t understand how a man could stand there with a smile like he was okay with his man’s inventory being taken away from the enemy - let alone a woman. If Saga would just step up for once, he would have a better chance. Besides…Tora didn’t look like much of a committed person. He didn’t know the guy all that well but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to come to a conclusion that Tora was a freaking womanizer.
“I hate you,” Saga sighed dejectedly.
* * * * * * * * * *
“Holy crap how many carrots do you intend on shoving in the soup?” Shou asked with his eyes wide open.
An afternoon had already passed since Hiroto had that little sex chat with Saga and he found himself here in his own home cooking dinner for Shou and him. Hiroto didn’t know what it was, but this feeling was just pumping through his veins to pick up that phone and call Shou over as soon as he could. A casual hangout for dinner wasn’t date like and he knew Shou would assume it was a normal night at Hiroto’s place. It shouldn’t matter because Shou was here with him and he didn’t want anything more or anything less. He just didn’t want Shou reaching into his coat or pant pockets for his damn phone. He didn’t want to hear Saga bitch and moan about how Tora was being a bastard. If Saga didn’t want to be treated like shit, why does he even bother staying with that guy? It just didn’t make any sense.
“What are you implying?” Hiroto seethed, chopping the last piece of carrot with a thwack instead of a careful slice. Shou’s eyes widened even more as he shook his head and mumbled a ‘never mind’. “Thought so. You owe me a hang out buster. It’s the least you could to for me since I’m always backing your ass up. Saga can take care of himself you know.”
“Mn, I know that,” Shou nodded and stared at the insides of the sink in wonder. “You know how Tora is right?”
“Who doesn’t,” Hiroto snorted and made sure that Shou saw his eyes roll upwards. “He reeks of that nasty perfume smell. If he says he’s not gay, then he shouldn’t be saying that Gucci shit is his. Who does he think he is? Saga’s not an idiot -”
“Wait. What?” Shou asked, suddenly stepping close to Hiroto. Hiroto’s arm twitched and he immediately jerked away when Shou placed his hand on top of his shoulder. He mumbled a little apology before Shou continued once more. “Tora was with whom?”
“I dunno. He’s always with a buncha girls. I’m surprised he hasn’t caught STDS yet. How am I supposed to keep track? Oh god please don’t tell me you do. Dude! He’s a man - can you really blame him?” Hiroto sighed, focusing on his carrot again and started slicing each piece by thin piece. “He’s not even taken.”
“But…Saga-”
“Can you just shut-!” Hiroto spat out abruptly, and froze midsentence before he caught himself slipping. He steadied his hand on the cutting knife and carefully pushed the sliced carrots aside. Grabbing the celery stick carefully from the plastic bag, he began to focus on cutting it to get his mind off of loosing his cool. He couldn’t loose control over a conversation as little as this. Disappointing Shou was something he couldn’t allow. “Saga’s a big boy. He can take care of himself. I’ve had a con - I’ve just talked to him a bit that’s all.”
“I saw Tora with a different girl at the arcade today. I didn’t like listening to the dirty details. I mean when you have sex you don’t tell the fucking public. I just don’t know if I should tell Saga or not. Then again…I don’t think he’d be very surprised. I hate seeing Saga suffering like this. He deserves so much more than that bastard,” Shou growled angrily, slamming his fist onto the sink counter. Hiroto winced at the sound of Shou’s fist colliding with his kitchen furniture. Having Shou tear down his kitchen wasn’t what he had in mind. “That sick…”
“Don’t worry. I told Saga if he wanted Tora, he was gonna have to -”
“You what? What did you say Hiroto? Why are you even helping that bastard?!” Shou asked, choking at the ‘what’. “Tell me. I know Saga tells you things he probably doesn’t even talk to me about. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?!” Shou asked more to himself than Hiroto. He turned to face Hiroto, but Hiroto couldn’t find the courage to face him and look him in the eye. “What did you tell him?”
“I…” Hiroto mumbled softly as he felt his hand tremble slightly from nervousness. He had hoped that Shou wouldn’t slap him across the face for saying this. The least he could do was be honest with the person he loved. But lying sounded like a tempting idea right now. If he told Shou that he advised Saga to go have sex with Tora, taught him all that … stuff… that would lower his chances completely. Hiroto was so riled up in his thoughts he hadn’t realized those words slip out of his mouth. “I told Saga to go make a move on Tora -”
“….What kind of move? Hold on…oh god…you’re not saying …”
“Shou - I - I was just trying to help him I mean he seemed so desperate I mean with the whole Tora thing I would have figured that those two would have done something other than - you know. Oh crap I’m sorry Shou!” The boy set his knife down, and gripped the side corner of the counter with shut eyes.
Hiroto looked up to see Shou staring back at him in shock and he didn’t know what other emotion was in Shou’s eyes. His heart was pounding so hard against his chest he had to grasp the front of his shirt to calm himself, but it was impossible. Thoughts and scenes were playing in his head already. Shou would leave him to go warn Saga about Tora’s not so surprising acts. Like Saga didn’t know that? Shou was going to leave him again wasn’t he? Hiroto couldn’t let that happen again.
“I don’t…know what - I have to go talk to him -”
“No! Shou wait!” A desperate dry whimper strangled against Hiroto’s throat but he couldn’t quite make it out loud and clear. What other sign did he have to throw at the man to tell him that he needed him too? Saga was spoiled enough! His heart started to pound even harder when Shou was already slipping quickly into his coat and his eyes darted left and right for some sort of …
“Ow!”
Hiroto was never fond of doing stupid things, and this was by far the stupidest he had ever done. He looked down to see a long line of blood flowing from the underside of his forearms down to his wrist. Had he been so desperate he cut himself with a damn knife just to keep Shou from leaving? Nothing else could explain this sort of injury unless people knew he was some sort of lunatic that did it on purpose. Shou whirled around in surprise and Hiroto suddenly could only see the front of Shou’s shirt as the taller man grabbed some thick paper towels off the rack.
“Hiroto! Damn it how can you be so careless?!” He demanded in a scolding but gentle tone. Hiroto sensed a hint of worry and concern and he wanted to smile contently as Shou snapped the faucet up and gently ran the cooling water down his stinging arm. As crazy as it sounded and looked like to have his arm bleeding and a smile drawn creepily onto his face, he suddenly didn’t feel any remorse for what he did. Just for now, he had Shou all to himself.
* * * * * * * * * *
“A DATE?! You’re joking right?! But you said we’d have dinner together! TONIGHT! Not next Monday, not next next Monday, not next week, TONIGHT!” Saga exclaimed and huffed, tossing his arms into the air in clear emphasis. “Are you blowing off your best friend for some girl you’ll never see again?! What kind of friend are you!?” He exclaimed angrily as Tora zoomed past him after he had sprayed some cologne onto himself.
“Relax we have plenty of other days to hang out,” Tora reasoned with Saga, but not spending so much time on trying to convince him otherwise.
“No!”
“This shirt smells,” Tora stated simply as he walked over to his closet with his dress shirt’s buttons undone and Saga wanted to grumble in irritancy of Tora’s recent behavior. Why the hell was he doing this to him?! “I think the black one looks more casual…or white,” Tora muttered, frowning at his set of wardrobes.
Saga gripped the sides of his head and shook vigorously desperately in attempt to shake Hiroto’s haunting but undeniably true words out of his head. He hated to admit it but that little runt was right. It wasn’t Tora’s fault for going out all the time. But what the hell could a man need besides sex?
Saga couldn’t understand what it was that caused men to be like parched lust thirsty animals when he was a man himself. Was sex really all that great? Would sex really turn you into someone you’re not? Or could it possibly ruin your life? All he knew right now was that if he didn’t do anything soon, this was going to continue on forever. Saga would never be able to progress. Maybe getting more intimate was supposed to be within the process of getting Tora to be his and only his. He couldn’t expect Tora to suddenly give up his sex life for him - although that would be very nice if he did…and very selfish of himself for thinking that.
“Tora, you’re not going. I don’t want you to,” Saga muttered nervously, and watched for Tora’s reaction but he only ended up pushing a set of clothes aside. He frowned as Tora’s back stared him in the face and he felt a pang of jealousy and anger rush into his veins. “Hey! Are you listening to me?!”
“Why are you so worked up over something so small anyway? Why are you suddenly like some sort of short fuse today?” Tora asked with a weary sigh, turning around to stare Saga in the eyes. “You know these girls don’t mean anything. They aren’t as nearly as important as you are -”
“Then why do you keep doing it?! If they don’t mean anything to you then why are you treating me even worse than them? Sometimes I think you give them more attention than you do me. What is it about me that you want fixed? Why are you doing this to me?!” Saga didn’t realize his voice rising higher after ever demanding sentence. He was so tired of beating around the bushes because he wanted straight answers now. “I want to know how you feel! I want to know that I’m not wasting my time. Why are you doing this to me…especially when you know how I feel?!” Saga cried, shoving Tora’s chest hard with the palms of his hands, he gripped the collar of Tora’s open shirt to pull him back into a bruising kiss.
Tora was perplexed with wide eyes as he grabbed onto Saga’s shoulder to push him slightly away. “Calm down!”
“It’s what you want isn’t it?” Saga asked as he looked up at Tora with pleading eyes. “I’m giving it to you. Why aren’t you taking it?” He didn’t know what else to say or do, and he probably looked really stupid and foolish, but what was he to do. It was mildly embarrassing but if Tora walked out that door leaving him like this then he decided he would probably give Tora some space for a long time.
“Saga…” Tora’s voice came out in an unexpected stutter. “It’s not like that.”
Maybe Saga had taken that the wrong way or it was exactly what it sounded like. What did he mean by saying ‘It’s not like that?’ It wasn’t like what? He knew he shouldn’t jump into conclusions and he should let Tora explain himself, but he continued staring into Tora’s eyes with wonder and confusion and Tora still hadn’t said a word. He was so tired of this cat and mouse game. Saga felt as if it was him that was doing the chasing and Tora was the mouse he could never catch.
“I’m sorry,” Saga sighed and tried his best to take a breather. “You’re right.”
Tora was right anyway. He sort of felt ashamed for being so conceited to think that Tora would even think about having sex with him. It was obvious that Saga was already expecting too much of what he thought Tora could handle. Kissing was one thing and well that - of course was an entirely different thing as well. Saga’s face was red with embarrassment and he had never felt so damn humiliated in his entire life. Wow this was surely the kind of outcome he wanted to see in his love life. To be sort of rejected by his crush and best friend and to be topped off with more rejection when the man you love didn’t want to get any more intimate than a simple kiss on the cheek or mouth. Saga wanted to know what it would really be like to truly be with a loved one but that wasn’t going to happen. He had tried to when he was in high school…with a girl. But of course he didn’t get anywhere further than holding holds. Kisses on the cheek were alright but it was like a phobia when it came to lip to lip contact. Saga couldn’t help but feel as if it was some sort of yuri kind of relationship. Eh…
After the first few seconds of awkward silence, Saga looked up to see that Tora was looking away and he could tell that his best friend was trying to think of something to say. He suddenly felt terrible for making Tora feel uncomfortable. Up until the day he confessed things were alright weren’t they? This was so troublesome…
“I ah…think you should get back to getting dressed. This shirt should do,” Saga said softly with a grin, shaky fingers reaching out to button the buttons on Tora’s shirt.
Being strong wasn’t exactly Saga’s strongest point, actually it wasn’t really his forte at all. His only answer to everything was really just running away. Trying to change himself was his first goal on the list. The old him would probably bolt out that door right now, but he was mighty proud of the fact that he was doing his best right now. By running off to Shou like a needy kid would just make him feel worse.
Eyes focused intently on fixing up button after button but his fingers seemed to tremble uncontrollably he couldn’t even get a button through a hole anymore. Saga decided he would forget it and excuse himself but a pair of larger hands covered his hands and wrists to stop him from doing so. He was surprised and startled when Tora gave his hands an affectionate squeeze.
“Tora,” Saga realized his voice had come out in a small whine because he wanted to kiss him so bad, but there was something that pulled him back. Insecurity? Confusion was such an annoying wrenching feeling. For once he would have loved to just know what the hell he was doing and just do it.
Was love all about taking risks? Saga had always been so careful and with Tora it was like walking on broken glass or more like egg shells. Tora looked like he was going to say something, but Saga’s twitched slightly at the sudden sound of his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. Slowly sliding his hands from Tora’s hold, he dug into his pockets and slid out his cell phone to look at the caller I.D. It was probably a habit, but Saga always ended up mumbling Shou’s name before picking up the phone. He didn’t have a chance to slide the top up to answer because Tora had taken the phone out of his hands and ended the call immediately. Saga’s eyes widened in surprise and his arm shot out in attempt to grab his phone back.
“Tora! That was uncalled for!” Saga exclaimed, jumping up again but Tora raised it out of his reach. Grabbing at Tora’s shoulder for support, Saga lurched forward once more with a frustrated expression. “Tora please! Just give me back my phone! I can’t believe you’d stoop that low you’d treat him so horribly like that! What did he ever do to you?! You’re being so immature!” He half screamed, hitting Tora hard on the arm. “You’re such a jerk!”
He was so frustrated he felt the words caught up in his throat. Tora was sending him mixed signals it was pissing him off. Leaving would be a very wise and convincing option for him right now but unfortunately Tora had his phone, and Saga wasn’t going anywhere without his phone. Shou would have thought that Saga was ignoring him for a random because right now Tora kept on ending the calls when Shou tried calling back twice. Saga didn’t want that.
“Amano Shinji you’re giving me my phone back right now!” Saga frowned, staring at Tora like he meant business. Tora raised an eyebrow at the use of his full name. The expression on Tora’s face was none other than amusement and a glint in his eyes told Saga he was taunting him. “I’m not fucking around, Tora. Give it to me. I don’t want Shou thinking I’m ignoring him because of something you did.”
“Why the hell should you care?” Tora snorted, gaze shifting carelessly to the side.
“Why the hell should you?” Saga shot back. “Jesus - ! What I do with friends is my business! You have no right to tell me who I can hang out with and who I can’t. And as for the jealousy thing, so what if he has feelings for me? I don’t see how that’s any of your business. Maybe I have a better chance with him,” Saga’s voice had lowered immensely at his last statement.
He knew Tora heard because he saw Tora’s hand twitch, thus causing the cell phone to loosen slightly in his hand. Saga took the opportunity to quickly grab the cell phone out of Tora’s hands. Tora didn’t seem startled, but more of as if he was in a trance.
“So you prefer him over me?” Tora scoffed, sending Saga a bitter glare and smile. “You’re always taking his side making me the f ucking bad guy. You’ve ignored him for so long in high school and you’re suddenly showering him with all this care and affection? Where does that put me then huh?”
“What the - do you even know what the hell you’re talking about?!” Saga asked in bewilderment.
“You said you loved me.”
“I do - ”
“Bullshit.”
Saga’s eyes shot open in surprise, and he struck Tora across the face. Again. Two times within the same year couldn’t be a good sign. The first time he had hit Tora was the time he had said even worse things to Shou and this time the blow to his face was harder than ever before. The whole backside of Saga’s hand was stinging and burning with raw stingy pain, he actually winced at the sound and collision of his hand with Tora’s face. It may have been the second time Saga had hit him, but he would never have the heart to literally beat him or hurt Tora any more than a slap. The scary thing about this was that he didn't draw back from shock. Saga wanted to hit him.
This sudden rush of anger and hurt ran into his veins once more and Saga was sure he had never felt something like this for a long time. If he did it would be extremely rare. His blood was boiling and his heart ached in anger and sadness all at the same time. He wanted to push Tora to the ground and punch the living daylights out of him. He would have loved to just hurt Tora just so the man could feel the pain he felt. Physical or not it didn’t matter. Saga shook his head. Forget it. He could never summon the courage to do that. He hardly saw Tora actually hurt or depressed over something serious. Saga couldn’t imagine how someone could go on living life without loving anybody. And it hurt so much to know that even he couldn’t change Tora the way he was now.
“I don’t think I can take any of this crap anymore. I’ve honestly thought that I’ve done all I could. What more could I have possibly done for you to realize that I’m trying to make this work out between us? We both know we’re not getting anywhere. I’ve said everything that’s been needed to say with my feelings and what not, and you’re being jealous with Shou and it’s driving me insane! You know how I feel and you’re fooling around with girls like I’m not even fucking there!” Saga yelled, frustrated with the fact that Tora wasn’t even looking at him when he was being spoken to. The look on Tora’s face was indescribable. Saga didn’t see a hint of emotion; he didn’t realize or feel his whole body was trembling uncontrollably. But he knew he had to get everything out of his system before he left. All of the thoughts in his mind were going to be revealed tonight and he was going to make sure that Tora knew of it.
“I’ve given you time to at least think about it and try. I thought with me, you would - you said you’d do anything to make me happy but I don’t think you’ve been using that time at all. You said I was important and special to you but I don’t see how different I am with everyone else. Ever since I’ve confessed, you’ve been treating me like I’m someone else. During the times you’ve shown me some sort of sweet affection I wonder if you do it out of pity. The times you were jealous of Shou, I’m always find myself wondering if you are because maybe, just maybe you felt protective of me because it’s me. I should have known you were doing this for your selfish need. You’ve always been greedy as a child. You’ve been greedy with your friends and everything else you labeled YOURS. God! You’ve always been so damn persistent and touchy with your damn pride,” Saga’s voice started to shake and crack but that didn’t stop him. Oh no he had more he needed to get off his chest.
“I will not be used or mistreated like I’m some sort of fucking pet! You’re driving people away from me! The people that have shown me more emotion, care and consideration than you’re acting right now. Until you’ve figured out what it is that you need to figure out, I don’t ever want to see you. Don’t show your face to me until you’ve figured out whatever the fuck it is you need to sort out,” Saga spat, immediately turning around and he was already halfway out of Tora’s room. He stopped with his back turned to Tora and face buried into the palm of his hands for a quick moment. “You know I don’t only pity myself for letting this nonsense drag on for this long. The one I pity the most is you."
Tora still didn’t say a word, but Saga wasn’t expecting any more of it. Nothing about Tora really surprised him all that much anymore. He didn’t have the heart or guts to tell Tora he didn’t want to see him anymore. It was hard enough confronting all of that already. But he couldn’t bring himself to end it…this…whatever the hell kind of relationship they had with each other. Should it still be called friendship?
“Have fun on your date,” Saga muttered bitterly, taking that last step out the door before giving it a final slam.
It didn’t occur to him that the moment he slammed that door shut, could be the last time he would ever see Tora’s face again. Tora could easily just forget what he said and continue on living his life as if nothing happened. Hell if he was comfortable with a life like that, what did he need Saga for? Saga continued making his way out of Tora’s apartment and he couldn’t help but feel devastated that Tora made no move to follow him or not even the decency to look him in the eye; let alone his direction. All those years of so called friendship were an illusion? Tora had made everything so true and with all the years that have gone by he would have figured they had something stronger.
He still felt incredibly angry, but he could never blame Tora for any of this. He didn’t regret just telling Tora the things he said. Because for once in his entire life, he had been the most honest as he could be. And now that the slate was somewhat wiped clean, he felt sort of at ease…with that part at least.
Right now, he just wanted to be held or at least be holding someone. Any comfort of any sort would be perfect but he couldn’t even have that anymore! Saga wasn’t going to deny it when he immediately thought of Shou, but it was getting dark and it would be rude to call Shou at this hour. Did he have a night shift tonight? Saga couldn’t remember. Probably not…but if he did, he didn’t want to trouble Hiroto with another excuse. Shaking his head vigorously, he trudged towards the bus stop and sighed thankfully as a bus was already heading towards his stop. The bus came to a stop in front of him, and with a squeak, the double doors opened and he hastily wiped the tears in his eyes. Saga eagerly hopped his way inside without a second glance towards those familiar pair of dark eyes watching him from the window.
A/N: I’m SUPPOSED to be studying but for y’all, I’d do almost anything D: . Ok seriously now o_o. Well anyway I’m sure there is always someone wondering about wtf Tora would be thinking XD; Next chapter I’m gonna have his point of view because I just think the whole ‘pointing fingers calling Tora a bastard thing’ should come with a mini ‘let Tora explain’ side of the story. Do I make sense? Sorry I think I’m catching a cold. NO! I’m tireed -__-.
2 | 4