I breathe out, relaxing as soon as I see him. I hadn't realised quite how tense I was. That whole experience with Hiroto was -- unsettling, to say the least.
I'm fine physically, and the other Go-ongers are all pleasant enough. Even Miu. I adore their Engines, as well. But I've never encountered anyone so stubbornly walled up inside himself as Hiroto. Someone so controlled that he can't even consider accepting any form of help from a stranger. Self-discipline is one thing, but walling yourself off from everyone else is completely different.
Well, his sister is one chink in his armour, which saves him from being completely hopeless.
Sen-chan is almost his complete opposite. He's also an excellent fighter, but he's warm, open, nervous, and always willing to help or be helped.
I smile up at him. "Sen-chan." And then, of course, my words desert me. How can I get him to decide to talk to Umeko, without giving away that I know she's in love with him? And then there's Ban, as well... oh, this is too complicated.
I'll lead up to it gradually. "I just wanted to see how you're doing, Sen-chan. Are you all right, after everything you've been through?"
"I'm doing better," I tell her honestly. "I have surely been through worse, before."
I have the feeling that there's more she wants to say. I have known her long enough to recognize her body language, and none of it tells me "casual". As in actual casual.
...No, there's something else.
Not that she's not genuinely concerned, I know she is and I can't appreciate it enough. I might have been sent to some other dimension, forced to fight an entire army of mecha-humans, hit my head more than once and be shot in the arm, but that's nothing compared to what Jasmine had to go through. To fight against what she had to fight, trying so desperately to not lose herself. And no sooner was she back to her own body, she had to go and use her powers almost right away to save Gou-san. One can't possibly try to compare what's harsher.
"How are you doing?" I ask her, my smile dimmer. She might have something else she wants to say, but I really do want to know.
He says he's all right. I think I believe him. Sen-chan has reserves of strength and courage that others might not recognise, but just like the rest of our team, I know how tough he is.
He says kindly, "How are you doing?"
...I wasn't expecting that.
I look up at him, my eyes suddenly blurry, then I have to look away and swallow. This isn't meant to be about me. I came here to find out how he's feeling, and to try to help him with Umeko. I'm not meant to be rubbing my eyes like a tired two year old... but I am.
"Sorry, Sen-chan," I manage eventually. "I'm fine, really. I just wanted to ask you a few things."
I'm slightly taken aback. Jasmine is one of the strongest girls I've known. She has come a long way ever since becoming a Dekaranger. Last time she cried was when Ban's heart stopped, or when we all thought Boss had died... then again, we all did.
She tries her hardest to hold it back, and eventually looks back at me.
"Sorry, Sen-chan. I'm fine, really. I just wanted to ask you a few things."
I want to tell her that no, she's not fine, and that it's okay to let it out sometimes. She's always so focused on being there for others, that she forgets that she has to remember to take care of herself, too.
But then I catch her last words, which make me hesitate for a second.
"Okay," I answer her at last, as I move to leave the room. "Let's go outside, and you can ask me as we walk."
Maybe talking about whatever she wants to talk about will help, too. Hopefully.
"Okay. Let's go outside, and you can ask me as we walk."
"Excellent idea," I say gratefully. Walking will help me clear my head, and focus on the things I want to talk about. I want to help him and Umeko. I want to make sure he's all right after what I- what I did to him.
I look up at him and smile as we get out into the open. It's lovely out here, and I can't see anyone else around. So we can talk fairly privately. We walk down the steps together, onto the path. "Sen-chan, I'd like to ask you about Umeko, if you don't mind. How you're feeling about her just now."
I can't help but grin, though I'm all too aware of the problems inherent in this. Ban. The fact that I can't tell Sen-chan that I know Umeko is in love with him, or vice versa. But we have to start somewhere, if we're going to work through them. I don't want to interfere, but if they need my help -- and I believe they do -- I want to be there to help.
"I know, and I'm sorry," I say softly. "But I- I don't want to see you lonely, Sen-chan. You're so nice, and if you want someone by your side..."
I trail off, not sure how to go on without giving everything away. He's a smart guy and I don't want him to work out that I know something I can't tell him.
We're walking past a beautiful set of flowerbeds. I wonder who does all the work around here -- I've never actually seen any gardeners.
I flinch at the pain in his voice, and put a hand on his arm. "Oh, Sen-chan. I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't've brought it up."
How should I do this? I don't want him to go on being sad by himself... but am I really making things better if I give him some hope? After all, I don't know what Umeko's going to do about Ban and Sen-chan. I don't know if she'll pick one, or the other, or neither.
...but he has a right to know. And he can't know from me actually telling him. Only from me pushing him to find out himself, I suppose.
"Maybe you should talk to her," I say softly. "Maybe she needs to know how you feel."
I can sense that he wants to ask why, what would be the point, and I just do not KNOW what to say back. I put my hands over my face and groan into my palms. I'm messing this up. This has been a day of frustration.
I'm just about to reply, but before I can even say anything, Jasmine buries her face on her hands and groans. I would have chuckled at it, if I hadn't been too busy with my own thoughts and hadn't known that she's not exactly what one would call "well".
I know she's only trying to help.
"Jasmine, you know what I'm going to say even before I actually say the words," I say gently, indirectly pointing out her earlier reaction. "And you know why I'd say it, too."
Yet you're still trying to do something about it. Why?
"I have reason to believe that maybe..." I can't finish that. I'm too close to giving away secrets already. I'm messing up EVERYTHING today. I walk calmly and without fuss to the nearest tree, lean my forehead on it, clench my fists, and scream.
For a few seconds, all I can do is just stare at her, too shocked to do or say anything. Even in some of the worst situations that we Dekarangers might have been through, she never did this. Never.
I knew earlier that something was not quite right, but now I know that I was wrong. It's definitely worse than I had originally thought.
...and I did nothing to help, if not make it worse.
Slowly, I approach her. She's still leaning against the tree, her body still tense.
I hesitate at first, not wanting to startle her and cause her to have another screaming fit. In the state that she is, who knows if a simple touch might set her off again? I don't want to make things even worse than I already did.
But she's my teammate. A friend, and even family in a sense. I want her to know she's not alone. Had it been me in the same situation, she wouldn't have even blinked, and be there for me in an instant.
I feel his arms go around me hesitantly, then he's holding me, hugging me, and it feels so good.
I've- I've needed this. I hadn't realised quite how badly.
It's been so long since I've felt like myself. We've all had so much to deal with. I haven't wanted to take time for me -- don't want to be selfish, not when others are suffering just as much as I am, or more.
I want to be okay. I want to be able to push away from him gently, lift my face to his and smile apologetically... but I'm not there quite yet.
Just how much she'd been holding back, I can only guess.
Perhaps this was bound to happen at some point. She can't expect to always look after everyone else's interests all the while forgetting about hers. She might be one of the most caring people I've met, always selfless, putting everyone before her. And she might be strong enough to take on everything that is thrown at her.
But for crying out loud, she's only human.
"Jasmine," I speak, while still holding her. "Whatever it is, you know you're not alone. We're part of a team. And teammates are there to help you when you need it."
I tighten the embrace, trying to pass some reassurance.
I'm fine physically, and the other Go-ongers are all pleasant enough. Even Miu. I adore their Engines, as well. But I've never encountered anyone so stubbornly walled up inside himself as Hiroto. Someone so controlled that he can't even consider accepting any form of help from a stranger. Self-discipline is one thing, but walling yourself off from everyone else is completely different.
Well, his sister is one chink in his armour, which saves him from being completely hopeless.
Sen-chan is almost his complete opposite. He's also an excellent fighter, but he's warm, open, nervous, and always willing to help or be helped.
I smile up at him. "Sen-chan." And then, of course, my words desert me. How can I get him to decide to talk to Umeko, without giving away that I know she's in love with him? And then there's Ban, as well... oh, this is too complicated.
I'll lead up to it gradually. "I just wanted to see how you're doing, Sen-chan. Are you all right, after everything you've been through?"
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"I'm doing better," I tell her honestly. "I have surely been through worse, before."
I have the feeling that there's more she wants to say. I have known her long enough to recognize her body language, and none of it tells me "casual". As in actual casual.
...No, there's something else.
Not that she's not genuinely concerned, I know she is and I can't appreciate it enough. I might have been sent to some other dimension, forced to fight an entire army of mecha-humans, hit my head more than once and be shot in the arm, but that's nothing compared to what Jasmine had to go through. To fight against what she had to fight, trying so desperately to not lose herself. And no sooner was she back to her own body, she had to go and use her powers almost right away to save Gou-san. One can't possibly try to compare what's harsher.
"How are you doing?" I ask her, my smile dimmer. She might have something else she wants to say, but I really do want to know.
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He says kindly, "How are you doing?"
...I wasn't expecting that.
I look up at him, my eyes suddenly blurry, then I have to look away and swallow. This isn't meant to be about me. I came here to find out how he's feeling, and to try to help him with Umeko. I'm not meant to be rubbing my eyes like a tired two year old... but I am.
"Sorry, Sen-chan," I manage eventually. "I'm fine, really. I just wanted to ask you a few things."
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She tries her hardest to hold it back, and eventually looks back at me.
"Sorry, Sen-chan. I'm fine, really. I just wanted to ask you a few things."
I want to tell her that no, she's not fine, and that it's okay to let it out sometimes. She's always so focused on being there for others, that she forgets that she has to remember to take care of herself, too.
But then I catch her last words, which make me hesitate for a second.
"Okay," I answer her at last, as I move to leave the room. "Let's go outside, and you can ask me as we walk."
Maybe talking about whatever she wants to talk about will help, too. Hopefully.
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"Excellent idea," I say gratefully. Walking will help me clear my head, and focus on the things I want to talk about. I want to help him and Umeko. I want to make sure he's all right after what I- what I did to him.
I look up at him and smile as we get out into the open. It's lovely out here, and I can't see anyone else around. So we can talk fairly privately. We walk down the steps together, onto the path. "Sen-chan, I'd like to ask you about Umeko, if you don't mind. How you're feeling about her just now."
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Why is she asking me about this now??
I take a couple deep breaths. If I speak immediately, I'm afraid my voice will shake a bit.
"Jasmine," I speak at last, and I'm glad that my voice is even. "I thought you and I had an agreement about this?"
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"I know, and I'm sorry," I say softly. "But I- I don't want to see you lonely, Sen-chan. You're so nice, and if you want someone by your side..."
I trail off, not sure how to go on without giving everything away. He's a smart guy and I don't want him to work out that I know something I can't tell him.
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I know she means it when she says she doesn't want to see me alone. And she knows better than most that yes, I wish I had someone by my side and all.
Except I don't have that said someone.
"Look," I tell her. "I appreciate that you want to see me happy and all. I really do. But you know that's not going to happen."
My voice gets quieter. "And Umeko has Ban now. So it doesn't really matter."
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I flinch at the pain in his voice, and put a hand on his arm. "Oh, Sen-chan. I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't've brought it up."
How should I do this? I don't want him to go on being sad by himself... but am I really making things better if I give him some hope? After all, I don't know what Umeko's going to do about Ban and Sen-chan. I don't know if she'll pick one, or the other, or neither.
...but he has a right to know. And he can't know from me actually telling him. Only from me pushing him to find out himself, I suppose.
"Maybe you should talk to her," I say softly. "Maybe she needs to know how you feel."
I can sense that he wants to ask why, what would be the point, and I just do not KNOW what to say back. I put my hands over my face and groan into my palms. I'm messing this up. This has been a day of frustration.
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I know she's only trying to help.
"Jasmine, you know what I'm going to say even before I actually say the words," I say gently, indirectly pointing out her earlier reaction. "And you know why I'd say it, too."
Yet you're still trying to do something about it. Why?
"Jasmine... what's going on?"
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I freeze.
Caught.
I suppose I was expecting this, but still...
"I have reason to believe that maybe..." I can't finish that. I'm too close to giving away secrets already. I'm messing up EVERYTHING today. I walk calmly and without fuss to the nearest tree, lean my forehead on it, clench my fists, and scream.
There.
That's better.
Well, a little.
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I knew earlier that something was not quite right, but now I know that I was wrong. It's definitely worse than I had originally thought.
...and I did nothing to help, if not make it worse.
Slowly, I approach her. She's still leaning against the tree, her body still tense.
I hesitate at first, not wanting to startle her and cause her to have another screaming fit. In the state that she is, who knows if a simple touch might set her off again? I don't want to make things even worse than I already did.
But she's my teammate. A friend, and even family in a sense. I want her to know she's not alone. Had it been me in the same situation, she wouldn't have even blinked, and be there for me in an instant.
And I want her to know that this goes two-ways.
Finally, I gently lay a hand on her shoulder.
"Jasmine?" I ask, a hint of caution in my voice.
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And I can't stop SHAKING.
I turn, fling my arms around him, and bury my face in his shoulder. This is so embarrassing... but I really need him right now.
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So there is far more to this whole deal, after all. Something's happened.
I want to ask her what's going on, what caused all this.
But for now, I just hug her back. She doesn't need questions right now; she needs a friend. And I want her to know I'm here, and not going anywhere.
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I've- I've needed this. I hadn't realised quite how badly.
It's been so long since I've felt like myself. We've all had so much to deal with. I haven't wanted to take time for me -- don't want to be selfish, not when others are suffering just as much as I am, or more.
I want to be okay. I want to be able to push away from him gently, lift my face to his and smile apologetically... but I'm not there quite yet.
Can't stop shaking.
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Just how much she'd been holding back, I can only guess.
Perhaps this was bound to happen at some point. She can't expect to always look after everyone else's interests all the while forgetting about hers. She might be one of the most caring people I've met, always selfless, putting everyone before her. And she might be strong enough to take on everything that is thrown at her.
But for crying out loud, she's only human.
"Jasmine," I speak, while still holding her. "Whatever it is, you know you're not alone. We're part of a team. And teammates are there to help you when you need it."
I tighten the embrace, trying to pass some reassurance.
"Even if we don't always realize it."
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