Beware: Angry post.
These are few and far between but I have so very much to vent, I am feeling very cold and heartless today.
First thing I want to address are backstabbing evil bitches who like to talk shit about people behind their backs. Listen up, I'm only going to say it once... fuck you all. I'm sure they have no idea whom I'm talking about but I was told that certain people in a certain chat that I so much used to adore... People I used to think highly of, were being very nasty and saying very vile things about another chat friend who I consider a very dear friend. I will -not- name names but those with a guilty conscience know who they are. Just fuck you all, fuck you all running uphill with a fucking pogo stick because I do not give a shit anymore. Talk shit about her behind her back all you fucking want but she has never said anything about anyone behind their back that she would not say to their face. She is a sweet, wonderful friend and for all you to abuse her like that is fucking despicable and disgusting and I am utterly appalled by the third grade behavior. We are adults, in our 30s, 40s and 50s... START ACTING LIKE ADULTS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. I really, really cannot stand snide, vindictive, backstabbing people... I really can't. Please, for fucks sake, be happy for someone for once, even if you do not agree with them. Just smile, say "You are my friend and I support you throughout everything you wish to do with your life," do not call her fat or ugly or tell her she's just in heat. You know what? This is what friends do for one another, real friends. Do you understand this concept? No, probably not but it was worth a try.
I am cleaning off my friends list on this account, people who do not read this will be removed. If you still read it and wish to stay, comment, if not. Adios and good riddance. Nobody but tami_brown, simonette and pyrokittybiatch comments and I am really beginning to think nobody really gives a shit anymore, I do hope that's not true but if it is, so be it and fuck off. I am really no longer the person I used to be, I am really no longer a nice person. I have come to the end of my rope, I have come to the end of my "saintly patience" - I have tried for years to be a pacifist but it has worked to no avail. I refuse to be the nice guy that everyone walks all over, I refuse to be "Tim? Oh he's sooo very nice, so let's fuck him over and take advantage of him! He won't mind, that's what he's here for." No more, I say... no more!
Life has become a hellhole, who am I kidding? Life is a hellhole, it was just hiding in pseudo-happiness. Lies, pain and depredation. I am living a lie, living with a mask of happiness and underneath is nothing but sorrow. I have a wife, and she's a huge slut and a conniving bitch, I really can't even stand to look at her. She disgusts me and I am sorry for being so blunt, but this is my journal and I can say whatever I please. I will say it loud and clear, I hate my life and I hate my wife. I really hope she takes a flying fucking leap off the nearest building and I hope she dies a horrible painful death, I hope it hurts so bad that she screams in agony like I do everyday, all day long... but I just do it internally, in silence. I'm tired of putting on a happy face, I'm tired of telling people that I am so fucking disgustingly in love with you that it makes me sick. That part isn't a lie, you do make me sick. I do love you, and I hate you at the same time. I am torn with emotions and I cannot decide which one is the majority in rule. I look at you some days and I want to gouge your eyes out with a searing hot spoon and I want to hug you and kiss you at the same time. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know, I'm fucking nuts. I want to die. I hate my life, what little life I have and I want to die. I want to kill myself in the quickest, most painless possible way. As much as I despise guns, perhaps I will buy myself one and do myself a favour, do the world a favour, get rid of the biggest asshole alive. Timothy Jonathan Aristophantes - AKA - "You are such a bastard, I wish I had never married you, why do you treat me this way!" She's not the victim, I am... I am the victim here, I am the one that is a victim of her emotional manipulation and vile twisted mind games. She looks at me and tells me she loves me and in her mind, I just know, in her mind she is just planning her next feat, illusion or trick. How can she lie to me with a straight face? How can she look into my eyes, and tell me she loves me, and not feel guilty? I am so lost, so... fucked up. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know, don't answer that, I'm not sure I want to know. I really think I'll start cutting again, seems I'm holding out for nothing anyway so I might as well. It's a futile battle of self destruction when I go to bed every night and wish that one of us would die in our sleep so the arguments would stop. It's all we do anymore, fight and scream and I hate it. I hate myself, I hate myself more than I hate her and I hate myself even more for that, I just get so frustrated some days that I want to take the nearest sharp object and bury it into my chest and bleed to death slowly, show her what she does to me. Show her that I hurt, I'm human, I have feelings and emotions and guess what? I bleed red too, I'm not some fucking android without feeling. Forty one years old... and I am suffering more now than I ever did when I was a teenager. They told me the angst and depression goes away when you get older, the tears stop when you get married and you have someone to hold you and love you... They never told me that she would also be the one putting the knife in my heart, twisting it while looking me right in the face and saying, "Gee honey, I don't know why you hurt." then she smiles and shoves it in a little deeper and says, "There, does that feel any better dear?" - I give up, I surrender, I throw the towel in. She can go out and she can fuck everyone, everything, everywhere she wants. She can leave me at home when I need her the most, then when I hurt, complain about herself and her feelings, like mine mean nothing. Guess what? No more Mr. Vulnerable Nice Guy, he's a thing of the past. I will be an asshole, be a prick and be selfish, just like her. I will worry about myself and my life before her, before her petty complaints and before her whining. I used to feel sorry for her but now I just feel sorry for myself...
Rae, I know you read this.
Fuck you... better yet? Fuck yourself, fuck off, get the fuck away from me and shut the fuck up, you fat slut.
--[edit]--
No, I really didn't mean all that. I am just angry and frustrated. Rae and I have talked since this was posted.
First thing I want to address are backstabbing evil bitches who like to talk shit about people behind their backs. Listen up, I'm only going to say it once... fuck you all. I'm sure they have no idea whom I'm talking about but I was told that certain people in a certain chat that I so much used to adore... People I used to think highly of, were being very nasty and saying very vile things about another chat friend who I consider a very dear friend. I will -not- name names but those with a guilty conscience know who they are. Just fuck you all, fuck you all running uphill with a fucking pogo stick because I do not give a shit anymore. Talk shit about her behind her back all you fucking want but she has never said anything about anyone behind their back that she would not say to their face. She is a sweet, wonderful friend and for all you to abuse her like that is fucking despicable and disgusting and I am utterly appalled by the third grade behavior. We are adults, in our 30s, 40s and 50s... START ACTING LIKE ADULTS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. I really, really cannot stand snide, vindictive, backstabbing people... I really can't. Please, for fucks sake, be happy for someone for once, even if you do not agree with them. Just smile, say "You are my friend and I support you throughout everything you wish to do with your life," do not call her fat or ugly or tell her she's just in heat. You know what? This is what friends do for one another, real friends. Do you understand this concept? No, probably not but it was worth a try.
I am cleaning off my friends list on this account, people who do not read this will be removed. If you still read it and wish to stay, comment, if not. Adios and good riddance. Nobody but tami_brown, simonette and pyrokittybiatch comments and I am really beginning to think nobody really gives a shit anymore, I do hope that's not true but if it is, so be it and fuck off. I am really no longer the person I used to be, I am really no longer a nice person. I have come to the end of my rope, I have come to the end of my "saintly patience" - I have tried for years to be a pacifist but it has worked to no avail. I refuse to be the nice guy that everyone walks all over, I refuse to be "Tim? Oh he's sooo very nice, so let's fuck him over and take advantage of him! He won't mind, that's what he's here for." No more, I say... no more!
Life has become a hellhole, who am I kidding? Life is a hellhole, it was just hiding in pseudo-happiness. Lies, pain and depredation. I am living a lie, living with a mask of happiness and underneath is nothing but sorrow. I have a wife, and she's a huge slut and a conniving bitch, I really can't even stand to look at her. She disgusts me and I am sorry for being so blunt, but this is my journal and I can say whatever I please. I will say it loud and clear, I hate my life and I hate my wife. I really hope she takes a flying fucking leap off the nearest building and I hope she dies a horrible painful death, I hope it hurts so bad that she screams in agony like I do everyday, all day long... but I just do it internally, in silence. I'm tired of putting on a happy face, I'm tired of telling people that I am so fucking disgustingly in love with you that it makes me sick. That part isn't a lie, you do make me sick. I do love you, and I hate you at the same time. I am torn with emotions and I cannot decide which one is the majority in rule. I look at you some days and I want to gouge your eyes out with a searing hot spoon and I want to hug you and kiss you at the same time. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know, I'm fucking nuts. I want to die. I hate my life, what little life I have and I want to die. I want to kill myself in the quickest, most painless possible way. As much as I despise guns, perhaps I will buy myself one and do myself a favour, do the world a favour, get rid of the biggest asshole alive. Timothy Jonathan Aristophantes - AKA - "You are such a bastard, I wish I had never married you, why do you treat me this way!" She's not the victim, I am... I am the victim here, I am the one that is a victim of her emotional manipulation and vile twisted mind games. She looks at me and tells me she loves me and in her mind, I just know, in her mind she is just planning her next feat, illusion or trick. How can she lie to me with a straight face? How can she look into my eyes, and tell me she loves me, and not feel guilty? I am so lost, so... fucked up. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know, don't answer that, I'm not sure I want to know. I really think I'll start cutting again, seems I'm holding out for nothing anyway so I might as well. It's a futile battle of self destruction when I go to bed every night and wish that one of us would die in our sleep so the arguments would stop. It's all we do anymore, fight and scream and I hate it. I hate myself, I hate myself more than I hate her and I hate myself even more for that, I just get so frustrated some days that I want to take the nearest sharp object and bury it into my chest and bleed to death slowly, show her what she does to me. Show her that I hurt, I'm human, I have feelings and emotions and guess what? I bleed red too, I'm not some fucking android without feeling. Forty one years old... and I am suffering more now than I ever did when I was a teenager. They told me the angst and depression goes away when you get older, the tears stop when you get married and you have someone to hold you and love you... They never told me that she would also be the one putting the knife in my heart, twisting it while looking me right in the face and saying, "Gee honey, I don't know why you hurt." then she smiles and shoves it in a little deeper and says, "There, does that feel any better dear?" - I give up, I surrender, I throw the towel in. She can go out and she can fuck everyone, everything, everywhere she wants. She can leave me at home when I need her the most, then when I hurt, complain about herself and her feelings, like mine mean nothing. Guess what? No more Mr. Vulnerable Nice Guy, he's a thing of the past. I will be an asshole, be a prick and be selfish, just like her. I will worry about myself and my life before her, before her petty complaints and before her whining. I used to feel sorry for her but now I just feel sorry for myself...
Rae, I know you read this.
Fuck you... better yet? Fuck yourself, fuck off, get the fuck away from me and shut the fuck up, you fat slut.
--[edit]--
No, I really didn't mean all that. I am just angry and frustrated. Rae and I have talked since this was posted.