Brother/personal stuff
I'm not trying to be selfish in the midst of all of this, I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself (because I've come to the conclusion that it's not going to do any good for me to sit around and worry and not take care of myself).
So... for the purpose of saving myself some time and getting my feelings out in a simple way, I've copied and pasted a prayer that I submitted on an online prayer board for myself that pretty much describes all of the thoughts that have been going on in my brain for quite some time now. Much of the prayer is related to my own personal needs, and some is also related to prayers for my brother and the rest of the family. I've been feeling overwhelmed and am looking for guidance from God (and from anyone who might have words of wisdom). And these are my feelings, and this is my journal, so given the circumstances I feel that it's appropriate to share the prayer here. See below.
"Dear Lord,
I feel so lost. I don't know what you want me to do right now... even the simplest of decisions overwhelms me... I can't figure out what I should be doing at any given moment in my life. And now I've come to find out that my brother (is his early 40's) is suddenly on life support, on a respirator, his lung collapsed, his kidneys have failed him, he's undergone dialysis (last I heard), and while I've been praying and spreading the word so that others will pray over the past 3 days since this situation occurred, I've now come to a point where I don't know what else I should be doing. Should I continue to sit and simply pray every moment of the day, and nothing more? Should I go on and take care of my own needs while my brother suffers (which I'm sure is what he would want me to do)? And if I simply carry on, what do I do? I have a business to attempt to keep building aside from my full time job to cover extra expenses from student loans that will be coming due next month, I've learned that my brother has NO health insurance and will not be able to afford any of his medical bills... should I help in some way with a fundraiser, or will people just look at me and say that I'm just trying to use my brother's situation to try to build my business and gain sales? My apartment is a catastrophe... should I try to go through and clean and organize my home office? My body is not in the healthiest state... should I do a workout and let the office go? I'm feeling physically tired and emotional (understandable)... should I do what my body feels like doing, which is to just sit on the couch and watch comedies on TV or movies and forget about everything? Should I sit and read your Word, even though my eyes feel so tired I don't think I could read anything right now without falling asleep? Oh, and it's dinnertime and I haven't eaten since lunch... my body needs nourishment, should I eat something? If so, what in the world am I going to make? I don't even have the energy to cook anything!
I know that you know all of my worries and cares Lord, much of this that I've written is so that those who read this prayer for you will understand what it is that I'm struggling with. These choices are ones that I try to make each moment of each day that I'm here at home. And I never know where to start. I try to pray for guidance and I feel like I'm not understanding what it is that you're trying to guide me to do. I feel as though you have great plans for me and want me to do something amazing with my life and like I'm going to go on a great adventure... but I feel like this is something in the future, and I don't know what actions I'm supposed to take to move forward. "Wait upon the Lord"? I've gotten really good at that - to the point where I feel lazy with no energy and lack much motivation to get anything done. I'm trying to start where it all began - with you Lord. One of my new mantras for myself is, "Don't know what to do? PRAY." But I'm finding that sometimes I'm not hearing the answers that you're giving me. Please guide me Lord. Show me what it is that you want me to do. How can I get my life back on track? Where do I start? How do I begin? And for my brother Lord... please provide strength and encouragement to my family... and help my brother to look to you during his time of need. Save his soul and let him come to know you and trust you. Help all of us to find peace and guidance through you... and help me to find my way as I struggle to follow you.
Amen."
So... for the purpose of saving myself some time and getting my feelings out in a simple way, I've copied and pasted a prayer that I submitted on an online prayer board for myself that pretty much describes all of the thoughts that have been going on in my brain for quite some time now. Much of the prayer is related to my own personal needs, and some is also related to prayers for my brother and the rest of the family. I've been feeling overwhelmed and am looking for guidance from God (and from anyone who might have words of wisdom). And these are my feelings, and this is my journal, so given the circumstances I feel that it's appropriate to share the prayer here. See below.
"Dear Lord,
I feel so lost. I don't know what you want me to do right now... even the simplest of decisions overwhelms me... I can't figure out what I should be doing at any given moment in my life. And now I've come to find out that my brother (is his early 40's) is suddenly on life support, on a respirator, his lung collapsed, his kidneys have failed him, he's undergone dialysis (last I heard), and while I've been praying and spreading the word so that others will pray over the past 3 days since this situation occurred, I've now come to a point where I don't know what else I should be doing. Should I continue to sit and simply pray every moment of the day, and nothing more? Should I go on and take care of my own needs while my brother suffers (which I'm sure is what he would want me to do)? And if I simply carry on, what do I do? I have a business to attempt to keep building aside from my full time job to cover extra expenses from student loans that will be coming due next month, I've learned that my brother has NO health insurance and will not be able to afford any of his medical bills... should I help in some way with a fundraiser, or will people just look at me and say that I'm just trying to use my brother's situation to try to build my business and gain sales? My apartment is a catastrophe... should I try to go through and clean and organize my home office? My body is not in the healthiest state... should I do a workout and let the office go? I'm feeling physically tired and emotional (understandable)... should I do what my body feels like doing, which is to just sit on the couch and watch comedies on TV or movies and forget about everything? Should I sit and read your Word, even though my eyes feel so tired I don't think I could read anything right now without falling asleep? Oh, and it's dinnertime and I haven't eaten since lunch... my body needs nourishment, should I eat something? If so, what in the world am I going to make? I don't even have the energy to cook anything!
I know that you know all of my worries and cares Lord, much of this that I've written is so that those who read this prayer for you will understand what it is that I'm struggling with. These choices are ones that I try to make each moment of each day that I'm here at home. And I never know where to start. I try to pray for guidance and I feel like I'm not understanding what it is that you're trying to guide me to do. I feel as though you have great plans for me and want me to do something amazing with my life and like I'm going to go on a great adventure... but I feel like this is something in the future, and I don't know what actions I'm supposed to take to move forward. "Wait upon the Lord"? I've gotten really good at that - to the point where I feel lazy with no energy and lack much motivation to get anything done. I'm trying to start where it all began - with you Lord. One of my new mantras for myself is, "Don't know what to do? PRAY." But I'm finding that sometimes I'm not hearing the answers that you're giving me. Please guide me Lord. Show me what it is that you want me to do. How can I get my life back on track? Where do I start? How do I begin? And for my brother Lord... please provide strength and encouragement to my family... and help my brother to look to you during his time of need. Save his soul and let him come to know you and trust you. Help all of us to find peace and guidance through you... and help me to find my way as I struggle to follow you.
Amen."