I've been lost...
So, over the past couple years that I've been here in PA (or, 1 and 1/2 if you wanna get technical), I kinda feel like I've lost myself a bit. Like, the other day for my mom's birthday (it was the 27th of Feb, and, yes, she's still down here visiting me) I decided to let her watch my tape of my senior recital from Sage (she never got to see it). So, we were looking for the tape and all, and she ended up grabbing the wrong one, and when we saw it, I discovered that it was the tape of my audition from high school, which I had used to audition for Sage (I wasn't able to physically make it over there to audition, and Michael had said he would accept a video audition). So, we decided to watch that first and then look for the recital tape... and, as I watched the tape, I was reminded of how I felt at the time that I was auditioning... I had been so nervous, and yet so ready to get out there and try to be something in the world. I was ready to explore my musical talents and grow as a person... and find out who I really was. I had such a passion for music at that time... it was pretty much the only class I'd ever really enjoyed in high school, and at the time, I couldn't even imagine living my life without music being involved in it. I couldn't imagine NOT being in chorus and singing for the concerts each year. Music was this huge chunk of myself - I just never even thought of being without it, it simply wasn't an option.
So then I watched the tape of the senior recital. I remembered how right before I went on I was in the back room (the "green room") trying to take deep breaths and calm myself down. My hands were shaking, my stomach was churning and flopping all over... my fingers were FREEZING and I didn't think I'd be able to even move them enough to push even one piano key. I'd honestly thought that I was either going to be sick or pass out, and I was POSITIVE that when I went out there and started playing the recital was going to be a disaster.
But you couldn't see any of that on the tape. All it showed was the piano at first, and then you could hear everyone start clapping when I opened the door and ventured out onto the stage. You couldn't see that I was shaking, and I held a fairly convincing genuine-looking smile on my face as I sat down and began to play. I made a mistake within the first few measures, but quickly started again and then piece went on from there. As I watched the tape of myself, I could barely even remember what piece that was that I played only almost 2 years ago now. I watched as my hands crossed over each other back and forth during the fast pace of that first piece (by Scarlatti, I believe??) Then I stood up and held onto the piano as I bowed... I looked very professional on the tape, but as I remembered back, I remembered that I'd hung onto the piano because I was sure that if I tried to bow without hanging onto it I was going to topple over. But I managed to smile brightly at everyone as they clapped, and then when they quieted down I was able to tell them what I had just played and what was coming next (which you couldn't hear very well on the tape). I sat back down again, still managing to look happy and professional (how the hell did I DO that?!), and continued on, playing through the emotional (and pretty well played) pieces of Chopin, and Bach (only a couple mistakes, but actually was rather good, and faster than I'd remembered playing it), and finally ended with my longer 2 movement piece by Clementi (which again, I was surprised to see that I actually played it rather well, even figuring out how to add in dynamics between my nervous and shaky emotions at the time). At the end of that last piece I was again surprised to hear that I'd played a trill (a long and fast one). Finally the recital was over, I stood up, took my bow, and walked off the stage to be promptly greeted by Barb with a bouquet of flowers, hugs from Sonya and Bailee, and the sight of Katie hoping over the chairs to run over and give her big sister a long, proud hug (the tape had stopped before she got to me, but I remembered that part).
So after viewing the tapes, I thought about how passionate I had been in high school, and how dedicated I'd been in college, usually using my music as my emotional outlet. I remembered how every time I was upset, hurt, or just was too much in "emotion mind" to know what to do with myself, I'd often run away to the practice rooms where it was private and I'd shut the door and play my life away, with often times with tears streaming down my face, sometimes sobbing so hard that I couldn't even see what my hands were doing. At those times I'd just close my eyes and play, and let my emotions make themselves known through the keys - often loud and dramatic sounding, but sometimes soft and quiet, too.
So looking back, I'd realized that I used to be a person who was full of passion and expression, who was determined to learn and grow even though it hurt sometimes, and who was hoping to make a real difference in the world, and really "be" somebody. I remembered that I'd also been someone who thought that the world wasn't worthwhile if I didn't have friends to love and care about and support (and also have the same for myself in return). I was scared, nervous, and terrified, but I was also incredibly loving, genuine, caring, emotional, passionate, and (musically) expressive.
And now it's been 2 years... and, I've stopped playing the piano. I've stopped playing guitar. I've even stopped singing, though I'll sing to the radio in the car or off my computer. And I've had no time to even remember that I HAVE emotions at all, let alone comprehend what they mean or what they're trying to say. And as for my friends... though I miss them all dearly and often even painfully... I hardly ever manage to keep in touch (save for the occasional skim through the lj friend's page and the misplaced AIM conversation). Yes, alot has changed... and last year I'd been all happy because I'd finally gotten "saved" and such (I'm now a born-again Christian in case any of you happened to miss over those entries last year). But... even after that happy change in my life... I'd still felt like something was missing, and mostly like all I really wanted was to go back to Sage. But now I think I understand what had been missing...
Myself.
I've spent so much time over this past year trying to be a "good christian" and trying not to be judged by my new church friends (who, in actuality, aren't really true friends because they don't know the "real" me - who likes to sleep with girls), and trying to be a "good employee" at work with the kids and trying to be a "good tenet" paying all my bills on time and such... that... I've forgotten about ME. I've forgotten about the passion that I used to have, the talent I used to possess, my thoughts of not being able to imagine life without music and singing... and I've forgotten to allow myself to speak to myself... to have an outlet... to be creative (I also used to make pastel drawings to get my emotions out)... and well... to really LIVE. I kinda feel like I've been dead inside for this past year.
But after viewing those tapes and being shown who I used to be... and after going out last night with Rosalyn and her girl, and seeing her artwork (she is a VERY artistic and expressive person)... I decided that I need to be expressive again, and I need to find my passion again. I need to find MYSELF again.
So today after church I came home, shut myself in my room, and played my keyboard and guitar all day. I practiced my old exercises, played my Clementi, and worked on learning to play and sing all of the new songs that I'll need to know for my new position at work as the music teacher. And I got overwhelmed, and suddenly felt like I didn't have any talent anymore, like I'd let it all slip away. How will I be able to perform well and come up with lesson plans for each of the classes and all the kids at work?
So then I cried a bit and prayed a bit... and then I just started playing. And it felt like it used to feel at Sage... I started to feel like I was letting my passions come out again through tears, and through music.
It felt really good.
I had thoughts of being creative and making something artistic, like collages or pastel drawings, or... something. I didn't do any of it, but at least I had those thoughts again... I was able to remember the concept of being expressive, at least.
I don't think I'm fully back yet, but I'm hoping that I'm on my way. We'll see what next weekend brings.
So then I watched the tape of the senior recital. I remembered how right before I went on I was in the back room (the "green room") trying to take deep breaths and calm myself down. My hands were shaking, my stomach was churning and flopping all over... my fingers were FREEZING and I didn't think I'd be able to even move them enough to push even one piano key. I'd honestly thought that I was either going to be sick or pass out, and I was POSITIVE that when I went out there and started playing the recital was going to be a disaster.
But you couldn't see any of that on the tape. All it showed was the piano at first, and then you could hear everyone start clapping when I opened the door and ventured out onto the stage. You couldn't see that I was shaking, and I held a fairly convincing genuine-looking smile on my face as I sat down and began to play. I made a mistake within the first few measures, but quickly started again and then piece went on from there. As I watched the tape of myself, I could barely even remember what piece that was that I played only almost 2 years ago now. I watched as my hands crossed over each other back and forth during the fast pace of that first piece (by Scarlatti, I believe??) Then I stood up and held onto the piano as I bowed... I looked very professional on the tape, but as I remembered back, I remembered that I'd hung onto the piano because I was sure that if I tried to bow without hanging onto it I was going to topple over. But I managed to smile brightly at everyone as they clapped, and then when they quieted down I was able to tell them what I had just played and what was coming next (which you couldn't hear very well on the tape). I sat back down again, still managing to look happy and professional (how the hell did I DO that?!), and continued on, playing through the emotional (and pretty well played) pieces of Chopin, and Bach (only a couple mistakes, but actually was rather good, and faster than I'd remembered playing it), and finally ended with my longer 2 movement piece by Clementi (which again, I was surprised to see that I actually played it rather well, even figuring out how to add in dynamics between my nervous and shaky emotions at the time). At the end of that last piece I was again surprised to hear that I'd played a trill (a long and fast one). Finally the recital was over, I stood up, took my bow, and walked off the stage to be promptly greeted by Barb with a bouquet of flowers, hugs from Sonya and Bailee, and the sight of Katie hoping over the chairs to run over and give her big sister a long, proud hug (the tape had stopped before she got to me, but I remembered that part).
So after viewing the tapes, I thought about how passionate I had been in high school, and how dedicated I'd been in college, usually using my music as my emotional outlet. I remembered how every time I was upset, hurt, or just was too much in "emotion mind" to know what to do with myself, I'd often run away to the practice rooms where it was private and I'd shut the door and play my life away, with often times with tears streaming down my face, sometimes sobbing so hard that I couldn't even see what my hands were doing. At those times I'd just close my eyes and play, and let my emotions make themselves known through the keys - often loud and dramatic sounding, but sometimes soft and quiet, too.
So looking back, I'd realized that I used to be a person who was full of passion and expression, who was determined to learn and grow even though it hurt sometimes, and who was hoping to make a real difference in the world, and really "be" somebody. I remembered that I'd also been someone who thought that the world wasn't worthwhile if I didn't have friends to love and care about and support (and also have the same for myself in return). I was scared, nervous, and terrified, but I was also incredibly loving, genuine, caring, emotional, passionate, and (musically) expressive.
And now it's been 2 years... and, I've stopped playing the piano. I've stopped playing guitar. I've even stopped singing, though I'll sing to the radio in the car or off my computer. And I've had no time to even remember that I HAVE emotions at all, let alone comprehend what they mean or what they're trying to say. And as for my friends... though I miss them all dearly and often even painfully... I hardly ever manage to keep in touch (save for the occasional skim through the lj friend's page and the misplaced AIM conversation). Yes, alot has changed... and last year I'd been all happy because I'd finally gotten "saved" and such (I'm now a born-again Christian in case any of you happened to miss over those entries last year). But... even after that happy change in my life... I'd still felt like something was missing, and mostly like all I really wanted was to go back to Sage. But now I think I understand what had been missing...
Myself.
I've spent so much time over this past year trying to be a "good christian" and trying not to be judged by my new church friends (who, in actuality, aren't really true friends because they don't know the "real" me - who likes to sleep with girls), and trying to be a "good employee" at work with the kids and trying to be a "good tenet" paying all my bills on time and such... that... I've forgotten about ME. I've forgotten about the passion that I used to have, the talent I used to possess, my thoughts of not being able to imagine life without music and singing... and I've forgotten to allow myself to speak to myself... to have an outlet... to be creative (I also used to make pastel drawings to get my emotions out)... and well... to really LIVE. I kinda feel like I've been dead inside for this past year.
But after viewing those tapes and being shown who I used to be... and after going out last night with Rosalyn and her girl, and seeing her artwork (she is a VERY artistic and expressive person)... I decided that I need to be expressive again, and I need to find my passion again. I need to find MYSELF again.
So today after church I came home, shut myself in my room, and played my keyboard and guitar all day. I practiced my old exercises, played my Clementi, and worked on learning to play and sing all of the new songs that I'll need to know for my new position at work as the music teacher. And I got overwhelmed, and suddenly felt like I didn't have any talent anymore, like I'd let it all slip away. How will I be able to perform well and come up with lesson plans for each of the classes and all the kids at work?
So then I cried a bit and prayed a bit... and then I just started playing. And it felt like it used to feel at Sage... I started to feel like I was letting my passions come out again through tears, and through music.
It felt really good.
I had thoughts of being creative and making something artistic, like collages or pastel drawings, or... something. I didn't do any of it, but at least I had those thoughts again... I was able to remember the concept of being expressive, at least.
I don't think I'm fully back yet, but I'm hoping that I'm on my way. We'll see what next weekend brings.