(no subject)
Lord knows why I’m doing this here, but I just needed to get this off my chest…for whatever that’s worth.
First of all-since word on the street appears to be that I’m self-defeating and devoid of any semblance of self confidence or whatever-I know I’m good.
I know I am a talented writer.
Fine. Great. Nothing new.
However.
All week-yes, all fucking week, I’ve felt like I’m not cut out for this USC film shit. And maybe I’m not. That remains to be seen. Nevertheless, my considering such an idea does not mean I’m questioning my talent. I know that I’m fucking good, and I know that someday, I’ll be behind a really awesome, well-acclaimed television series. Anyone who knows me-really knows me-already knows this like they know the alphabet.
Yet.
Just because I know I’m fly doesn’t mean I feel like I belong in film school. I don’t share the passion for film that anyone else seems to. I’m not into the craft of writing scripts. I’m into writing Bridge, and just because I decided that the best medium for it might be television, that doesn’t mean I’m into all the shit that goes into cinema. It’s the first week of classes, and I’m saying flat out: I’m going to do what’s required of me, and I may even grow to enjoy it, but none of it is my passion. Apparently, it’s what I need to do to get to the next step. Whatever. Glorious. Fantastic.
But.
I’m not enjoying any of it.
Today I felt the lowest I’ve ever felt since I went to Harrison College nearly nine fucking years ago. Now granted, this time around, committing suicide was not an option. But I still felt pretty low, and not just because of stupid shit that happened today, but shit that’s been happening for several days. And for the first time ever, I found myself really, really fucking wishing I was going to fucking Tisch, where all I’d be troubling myself with would be plays and teleplays. I don’t think I’d feel as fucking misplaced.
Which, sorry, is how I feel right now. I’m not excited. I’m not looking forward to what I’m going to learn. Sorry. I’m really fucking not, and I really fucking don’t.
But that doesn’t mean I hate myself. I love Shari, I love Liz, I love all this that is I, even if I don’t want to advertise it. I shouldn’t have to tell you I rock. You can deduce that for yourself, and if you don’t…swallow it.
I love what I’m all about, and I know I deserve to be here. Unfortunately, I’m seriously beginning to question if television via Hollywood is the best way to get my masterpiece to the masses. And this is shit I’ve been asking myself, honestly, since I started writing it three years ago.
I love my work, I love My Kids, I love what I think I’m capable of accomplishing.
I just don’t appreciate getting kicked in the face over and over. I don’t appreciate feeling like the dumbest person in the room. I don’t now, I didn’t nine years ago, and I won’t nine years from now. I apologize.
Do I need a thicker skin? Maybe. Do I need to suck it up or whatever? Sure, I guess.
But that’s the way I fucking feel, that’s the way it fucking is, and there isn’t much that could happen right now to make any of that change.
Still.
I am fucking good at what I want to do.
I’ve been good at everything I ever really set out to do.
I appreciate USC for acknowledging the truth in that.
But thus far, I am having a shitty, shitty, shitty time at film school and wondering why the fuck I’m here.
Outside of some of the amazingly awesome new people I’ve met, I can’t think of a damn thing about it that I like, that I look forward to, or that I really foresee losing myself in completely.
It had to be said.
And if I truly were a self-defeating, self-loathing person with no confidence? I would have drank a whole bottle of Pinesol on the second day of school at Harrison College fucking years ago. When I thought suicide was the only option.
Until I started writing.
Good for the world that I didn’t do anything stupid, because then the world would never even know what I’m capable of accomplishing, or what I’m going to accomplish, or how fucking cute I’ll look as I’m doing it all.
And if you don’t know, now you know.