Films I pointed my face at this weekend
Payday is still a week away. Bills and various things have eaten all my money including tinned reserves i keep for the zombie apocalypse so this weekend we had multiple wovie nights
Friday:
Maniac Cop: we realised during the week that we'd never seen this. Basically a slasher movie with the most amazing Bruce Campbell and the big chin guy from Tango and Cash. This was suprisenly less studid that I thought it would be. There were moments when I was afraid that this was actually going to be a reletively quality movie, something i did not sign up for. i wanted gore and shite acting. It didnt disapoint. everytime it started to get serious it pulled it back into unterly rediculous.
If your a silly horror fan 7/10
If your not: 2/10
Saturday:
Savage: An Irish film about a guy who is mugged, disfigured and castrated and tries to get his life back together to the point of becoming a revenge filled skanger murderer. Great movie if youve been hassled by some little gimp in a tracksuit recently. Definetly well worth a look.
If your a silly horror fan 9/10
If your not: 9/10
Bug: Suprissed by this one. It was under the horror section but I would put it more as a psycholigical drama/black comedy. Either way I thought it was awesome. Basic plot is Ashley Judd and some bloke hook up in a motel and become convinced that the government are after them using bugs under their skin that can only be combated by massive amounts of tin foil.
If your a silly horror fan 7/10
If your not: 6/10
Sunday:
Valhalla rising: Seriously whats going on here? Now sometimes i get lost when watching movies but NollIys uaually quite on the ball and there were several places where we bother were "What the fuck? "
Its about vikings. One is mute and the others dont say much either. They decide to go to the middle east but end up in america. The rest is fucking boring so Im going to make up what happens next instead.
Kens version:
The Vikings end up blown off course and reach America. They find themselves in Manhatten in the early 1980s. Theres graffiti on everything, everyone is in a coloufull gang that either breakdances or wears roller skates, people say stuff like 'c'maaaaan', possible soundtrack 'living in america by james brown'
Their longship is embounded by the port authority. They have to get $400 to get it released but their Vikings from the 9th century? where are they going to get $400. Then Thorag the Brainsplitter finds a flier advertising a breakdancing competition where first prise is $400 (conveniently written in English,Spanish and Nordic runes) but the competion is in 3 days and theyre going to need a teacher.
Enter Mr T. Thats right I said Mr fucking T. Why? because its the 80s thats why! The ex vietnam vet/breakdance instructer takes them under his wing and teaches them the shadowy art of the beat box, the head spin and the arse spindle. Cue montage of vikings improving rapidly under Mr Ts tutelage whilst befriending a troubled neighbourhood boy 'little mike'. The main Viking 'One eye' shows great promise but a day before the contest has his leg broken by their main rivals for the prize, the 'Harlem Haters'
the contest comes along and the Vikings reach the final. They square off one by one against the harlem haters. Theyre losing and theyre one man down. Theyre down to the last guys and the judges (featuring rick moranis and martin short, again its the 80s) are going to declare victory for the harlem guys. Mr T is distraught, it looks like little mike is not going to learn that lesson about staying in school after all.
Seeing the look of disapointment on little Mike's face One-eye suddenly takes an axe, chops off his leg and enters the mat for a final showdown. He body pops with beserker ferocity untill the bell rings. The judges consult and declare the winners to be....The Harlem Haters. Reason, that last guy only had one leg for christ sake. And he kept sliding everywhere on his own blood pouring from his bloody stump. Seriously what did you expect.
The vikings, defeated decide fuck it! They slaughter everone present then go down to the harbour give the guy the $400 dolars, kill him too take the boat and sail back accross the atlantic ocean, stoping temporarily to discover greenland, iceland and completely fuck over Ireland. Mr T also picks up more shiney necklaces from some monastaries on the way and little mike is sold into slavery.
roll credits
Friday:
Maniac Cop: we realised during the week that we'd never seen this. Basically a slasher movie with the most amazing Bruce Campbell and the big chin guy from Tango and Cash. This was suprisenly less studid that I thought it would be. There were moments when I was afraid that this was actually going to be a reletively quality movie, something i did not sign up for. i wanted gore and shite acting. It didnt disapoint. everytime it started to get serious it pulled it back into unterly rediculous.
If your a silly horror fan 7/10
If your not: 2/10
Saturday:
Savage: An Irish film about a guy who is mugged, disfigured and castrated and tries to get his life back together to the point of becoming a revenge filled skanger murderer. Great movie if youve been hassled by some little gimp in a tracksuit recently. Definetly well worth a look.
If your a silly horror fan 9/10
If your not: 9/10
Bug: Suprissed by this one. It was under the horror section but I would put it more as a psycholigical drama/black comedy. Either way I thought it was awesome. Basic plot is Ashley Judd and some bloke hook up in a motel and become convinced that the government are after them using bugs under their skin that can only be combated by massive amounts of tin foil.
If your a silly horror fan 7/10
If your not: 6/10
Sunday:
Valhalla rising: Seriously whats going on here? Now sometimes i get lost when watching movies but NollIys uaually quite on the ball and there were several places where we bother were "What the fuck? "
Its about vikings. One is mute and the others dont say much either. They decide to go to the middle east but end up in america. The rest is fucking boring so Im going to make up what happens next instead.
Kens version:
The Vikings end up blown off course and reach America. They find themselves in Manhatten in the early 1980s. Theres graffiti on everything, everyone is in a coloufull gang that either breakdances or wears roller skates, people say stuff like 'c'maaaaan', possible soundtrack 'living in america by james brown'
Their longship is embounded by the port authority. They have to get $400 to get it released but their Vikings from the 9th century? where are they going to get $400. Then Thorag the Brainsplitter finds a flier advertising a breakdancing competition where first prise is $400 (conveniently written in English,Spanish and Nordic runes) but the competion is in 3 days and theyre going to need a teacher.
Enter Mr T. Thats right I said Mr fucking T. Why? because its the 80s thats why! The ex vietnam vet/breakdance instructer takes them under his wing and teaches them the shadowy art of the beat box, the head spin and the arse spindle. Cue montage of vikings improving rapidly under Mr Ts tutelage whilst befriending a troubled neighbourhood boy 'little mike'. The main Viking 'One eye' shows great promise but a day before the contest has his leg broken by their main rivals for the prize, the 'Harlem Haters'
the contest comes along and the Vikings reach the final. They square off one by one against the harlem haters. Theyre losing and theyre one man down. Theyre down to the last guys and the judges (featuring rick moranis and martin short, again its the 80s) are going to declare victory for the harlem guys. Mr T is distraught, it looks like little mike is not going to learn that lesson about staying in school after all.
Seeing the look of disapointment on little Mike's face One-eye suddenly takes an axe, chops off his leg and enters the mat for a final showdown. He body pops with beserker ferocity untill the bell rings. The judges consult and declare the winners to be....The Harlem Haters. Reason, that last guy only had one leg for christ sake. And he kept sliding everywhere on his own blood pouring from his bloody stump. Seriously what did you expect.
The vikings, defeated decide fuck it! They slaughter everone present then go down to the harbour give the guy the $400 dolars, kill him too take the boat and sail back accross the atlantic ocean, stoping temporarily to discover greenland, iceland and completely fuck over Ireland. Mr T also picks up more shiney necklaces from some monastaries on the way and little mike is sold into slavery.
roll credits