dizzzzzy as a teacup
i almost fainted several times today. the worst was when i stood up and almost toppled my computer over as i swooned on it. swoooon.
i cried today. i was so dizzy i couldnt stand let alone walk. i cried because my father didnt read my mind and understand that i didnt want him to talk at me. i couldnt have expected it of him. i was pissed off at myself for crying about it. i was wishing i could have cried for a better reason.
it feeds my depression when i cry. i cry because im crying sometimes. i feel like ill never be happy again even though i know i will, even at the time i know i will. it scares me when i stop crying. at least when im crying i know that im not bottling my feelings up. but i always feel like i stop before i get enough out.
i forget things. not just little things like what i ate last week. but big things. like everything on my course, my entire childhood, days. the whole year has passed in a blur. which may be because ive slept for over 7 months of it. but anyway - i dont know what i had for dinner last thursday. i do know that i had dinner for he first time at home in a week. that is, if i ate dinner at home on thursday.
im currently not eating any food my sister brought home because im irrationally choosing to follow her wishes from when she was hysterical on sunday. i ate at home for the first time since thursday yesterday. i went and bought milk and cereal. and ate breakfast at 7pm. god, what have i let my life become?
my family never understands that what they say hurts me. they say horrible things and then the next day act as if they never did anything and of course you should be all smiles with them. ive given up trying not to take it personally. im just going to be bitter with them. fuck trying to rebuild the bridges with my sister. let them fucking burn. itll be easier in the long run. every time i try she shoves it back in my face, and im just not happy and secure enough in myself right now to take it again and again. i didnt know i could get so shockingly upset at being called a fat ugly bitch as when she said it. because shes family. and its almost as if, when youre upset youll let your real feelings out. those things you bottle up. shes shallow and vain enough now for that to be her main assessment of me. i dont know why i should give a shit if thats what i get in return.
i dont know if i passed my resists. if i havent, i dont get into second year. if i do - i get into second year. but i dont know if i can do it. i dont know if i could resit first year either.
tomorrow im going to the ice bar in mayfair for my friends bday :) itll be fantastic. it will. ill be awake and ill enjoy it. and ill see friends again. some of which i havent seen in over a year, and some of which ive seen the once or twice this year.
im not that fat. i feel fat. i want to be a size 8 at 8 stone. i dont even know if i will be a size 8 at 8 stone. i just want to be that size again. im a perfectly fine size right now. i just want to be skinnier again. even though i thought i was fat back then. but it doesnt help that every time i look at myself and think that i actually look alright, though i could certainly do with being a fair bit fitter - someone comes up and tells me im fat. reminding me that i could be thinner. as if i should be thinner. maybe i should. ive been meaning to be thinner. buying new bras is expensive. i dont even know what size i am anymore. its more than an E. its sometimes an F. its sometimes more.
i feel like life has left me by. ive missed several years. i dont know where theyve gone. i want to be 12. i want to start over. i dont mind who i am. i just wish i was my outgoing happier self more often. and my tired, awkward, depressed self far less often. im still shy. im just outgoing too.
i ignore problems till they are no longer problems because the deadline has long passed.
i need to leave and stop talking about so little. i feel like ive laid groundwork. really, ive talked about so little. i dont know what to do with myself anymore.
i cried today. i was so dizzy i couldnt stand let alone walk. i cried because my father didnt read my mind and understand that i didnt want him to talk at me. i couldnt have expected it of him. i was pissed off at myself for crying about it. i was wishing i could have cried for a better reason.
it feeds my depression when i cry. i cry because im crying sometimes. i feel like ill never be happy again even though i know i will, even at the time i know i will. it scares me when i stop crying. at least when im crying i know that im not bottling my feelings up. but i always feel like i stop before i get enough out.
i forget things. not just little things like what i ate last week. but big things. like everything on my course, my entire childhood, days. the whole year has passed in a blur. which may be because ive slept for over 7 months of it. but anyway - i dont know what i had for dinner last thursday. i do know that i had dinner for he first time at home in a week. that is, if i ate dinner at home on thursday.
im currently not eating any food my sister brought home because im irrationally choosing to follow her wishes from when she was hysterical on sunday. i ate at home for the first time since thursday yesterday. i went and bought milk and cereal. and ate breakfast at 7pm. god, what have i let my life become?
my family never understands that what they say hurts me. they say horrible things and then the next day act as if they never did anything and of course you should be all smiles with them. ive given up trying not to take it personally. im just going to be bitter with them. fuck trying to rebuild the bridges with my sister. let them fucking burn. itll be easier in the long run. every time i try she shoves it back in my face, and im just not happy and secure enough in myself right now to take it again and again. i didnt know i could get so shockingly upset at being called a fat ugly bitch as when she said it. because shes family. and its almost as if, when youre upset youll let your real feelings out. those things you bottle up. shes shallow and vain enough now for that to be her main assessment of me. i dont know why i should give a shit if thats what i get in return.
i dont know if i passed my resists. if i havent, i dont get into second year. if i do - i get into second year. but i dont know if i can do it. i dont know if i could resit first year either.
tomorrow im going to the ice bar in mayfair for my friends bday :) itll be fantastic. it will. ill be awake and ill enjoy it. and ill see friends again. some of which i havent seen in over a year, and some of which ive seen the once or twice this year.
im not that fat. i feel fat. i want to be a size 8 at 8 stone. i dont even know if i will be a size 8 at 8 stone. i just want to be that size again. im a perfectly fine size right now. i just want to be skinnier again. even though i thought i was fat back then. but it doesnt help that every time i look at myself and think that i actually look alright, though i could certainly do with being a fair bit fitter - someone comes up and tells me im fat. reminding me that i could be thinner. as if i should be thinner. maybe i should. ive been meaning to be thinner. buying new bras is expensive. i dont even know what size i am anymore. its more than an E. its sometimes an F. its sometimes more.
i feel like life has left me by. ive missed several years. i dont know where theyve gone. i want to be 12. i want to start over. i dont mind who i am. i just wish i was my outgoing happier self more often. and my tired, awkward, depressed self far less often. im still shy. im just outgoing too.
i ignore problems till they are no longer problems because the deadline has long passed.
i need to leave and stop talking about so little. i feel like ive laid groundwork. really, ive talked about so little. i dont know what to do with myself anymore.