App Post
Character: Nozomu Itoshiki
Series: Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei
Age: 2x
Job: Emergency Management Officer
Canon: Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei is the charming and heartwarming story of the fated meeting between a depressed teacher and his star pupil, and the way in which this meeting shapes and enriches their lives. Only the teacher was hanging himself at the time. And the girl thinks he just wants to be taller, because suicidal people couldn't possibly exist. And the other girl with a crush on him is an obsessive stalker. And the split-personality American is going to sue. And there's a small adorable Mexican girl swinging from the rafters. And it's not so much 'enrich' as 'drive to despair'.
Despair is a good word for teacher Nozomu Itoshiki. A cynical and bitter eye for the worst in everyone, together with a stellar run of poor luck and even poorer judgement, have combined to make the hapless teacher something of a wreck. Fast to decry... well, anything, he's actually quite clever and wordy when he isn't busy being tugged from one bout of depressive hysteria to another, or lecturing at length about twisted and inverted life lessons. His mind has a tendency to run off along odd tangents, make nonsensical leaps of logic, and break the fourth wall on a whim - these qualities are attributable both to his frayed nerves and his being from a series famous for metahumor.
Sample Post:
So then, today's lesson on emergency management! You are all aware of the impending danger we face from the horrors of the lake in the middle of camp. The danger is two-fold; for one! Any baby rendered too clean by water cannot build up the essential natural resistances to dirt, grime and bacteria, and will endure a lasting death at the hands of prideful parents! For two! That deadly harbinger, radiation, envelops all in her acidic wake, an inexorable end!
How, then, to manage such a situation? There is only one course of action! Only one way to free yourself from such an inevitable struggle! One must choose the quick death! Otherwise your flesh will wilt from radiation! Otherwise your body will decay! Otherwise your bones will bleach in the sun! The only sensible option to retain your dignity and to be interred in the proper manner is to die - before it is too late!
Ah? My, that was a fast period. Very well; next week we shall discuss the perils of the internet. In the meantime! You will each please find a box by your chairs: the shotgun is for those of you who wish to graduate early and earn extra credit in one fell swoop. For those who do not, there is an... introductory quiz? Hm?
Aah... voting for inclusion, is it? A private club?
Hmmmmm... I see! Certainly it is true that our daily lives are spent in a dangerous decline, and that for any good to come forth to aid the next generation we must implement a caste system of knowledge and tutelage. Iyaa, so many fine doctors and teachers here already; truly, some of the greatest scholars from all over the worlds. I am honoured to be included among your ranks; please, just tell me upon whom to cast my judgement and I shall do so forthwith, allowing me to concentrate on enjoying that glorious goal of tenure--
--eh? Me? What is all this...?
...
... ...
I'm in despair! This vote post, this disciplinary meeting has me in despair! That this modern society is so befouled by the vagaries of meritocracy and the disastrous mindlessness of buttons, that it would go so far as to assign everyone their worth based on the majority of the unwashed proletariat and their random whims has me in despair! Where are the essay questions? The quantitative proofs of factual knowledge? Those staples of education that through which we can prove our credentials?!
Where is the multiple choice?!