Goodbye
The woman gives you grief. She is the source of much pain in your life, for as long and as far back as you can remember. She is dying. She hasn't much time left. She tells you she's nearly had enough of holding on. She is going to die. It breaks your heart.
She is my mother. All the hurt and pain and anger can't and won't change that. I've never had the best relationship with her and been out of contact with her for long periods of time and been relieved at that. But now that lack of contact is close to being permanent. She asked me for forgiveness. I waited my whole life for her to be sorry for my childhood and she chooses now ... on her deathbed. I found I actually no longer want her to be sorry. I fought those demons long ago. I tell her this. I want her to rest peacefully when the time comes. She has made a lot of bad decisions in her life, right up until the end, but really, who has she had to guide her? No-one really. She's always been a lost soul searching for who knows what, but searching. I realise this now. Ha! Life is a whore until the end. I told her that she didn't need my forgiveness, she had it years ago, even when I didn't realise she had it, she had it. I could've turned out so differently, but I took what life dealt me and I've made decisions for my own life instead of allowing the good old fashioned excuse of, "but it was the way I was raised, it isn't my fault" which I find to be a crock of shit. No matter what life deals, it is still your life to do what you will with it. Whether you believe in God or not, we have free will, it is our life to choose what we will do with it. So the mistakes of your parents are exactly those and not a passport to be an arsehole with a scapegoat. I'm a good person. I've made my mistakes. They were mine to make. I chose to learn from them and learn I have.
I have a good well paid job. Heh, I'm the bread winner of my household, my husband is a mistermum, though he earns his own wage, I am "the man" of the house in that respect. So I've done well for myself there. I have an awesome husband. He loves and treats me the way I want to be treated, so I don't suffer being beaten and mistreated by a deadbeat like mum did. I have these three amazing children and I -know- I have them. It took mum a long time to realise that I was worthy of anything, I think only just recently when she lived with me and saw all I went through in a normal day. Go to work for a minimum 10 hour day, come home and be a mum, wife, nagger of homework, cook, housekeeper, a zillion other jobs a mum does and retain some semblence of sanity and get up again and do it the next day. I'm not superwoman, not even close, I do what needs to be done as do a zillion other people in this world. It is hard work to retain "normal life", so much easier it would be to live on the excuse of how I was raised and where I came from, so much easier, but then what life would that be? I'm not brave, I just made what I consider to be, the right choice.
So here I am now. I'm more distraught about what is happening than I thought I would be. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be heartless and unforgiving. Actually, it would be damned easy, but it isn't who I am. I'm glad I've forgiven her, even when I didn't realise it. Sure, to have heard her acknowledgment sooner would've been nicer and to have her answer my only question of why ... why was I there? Would be very nice. Not necessary though. I can live without that question being answered, or perhaps without it being answered by her. You can't change the past, you can only live in the present and hope the best for the future.
Find peace mum, it is long overdue and I hope you find the answers perhaps in death that you could never find in life.
She is my mother. All the hurt and pain and anger can't and won't change that. I've never had the best relationship with her and been out of contact with her for long periods of time and been relieved at that. But now that lack of contact is close to being permanent. She asked me for forgiveness. I waited my whole life for her to be sorry for my childhood and she chooses now ... on her deathbed. I found I actually no longer want her to be sorry. I fought those demons long ago. I tell her this. I want her to rest peacefully when the time comes. She has made a lot of bad decisions in her life, right up until the end, but really, who has she had to guide her? No-one really. She's always been a lost soul searching for who knows what, but searching. I realise this now. Ha! Life is a whore until the end. I told her that she didn't need my forgiveness, she had it years ago, even when I didn't realise she had it, she had it. I could've turned out so differently, but I took what life dealt me and I've made decisions for my own life instead of allowing the good old fashioned excuse of, "but it was the way I was raised, it isn't my fault" which I find to be a crock of shit. No matter what life deals, it is still your life to do what you will with it. Whether you believe in God or not, we have free will, it is our life to choose what we will do with it. So the mistakes of your parents are exactly those and not a passport to be an arsehole with a scapegoat. I'm a good person. I've made my mistakes. They were mine to make. I chose to learn from them and learn I have.
I have a good well paid job. Heh, I'm the bread winner of my household, my husband is a mistermum, though he earns his own wage, I am "the man" of the house in that respect. So I've done well for myself there. I have an awesome husband. He loves and treats me the way I want to be treated, so I don't suffer being beaten and mistreated by a deadbeat like mum did. I have these three amazing children and I -know- I have them. It took mum a long time to realise that I was worthy of anything, I think only just recently when she lived with me and saw all I went through in a normal day. Go to work for a minimum 10 hour day, come home and be a mum, wife, nagger of homework, cook, housekeeper, a zillion other jobs a mum does and retain some semblence of sanity and get up again and do it the next day. I'm not superwoman, not even close, I do what needs to be done as do a zillion other people in this world. It is hard work to retain "normal life", so much easier it would be to live on the excuse of how I was raised and where I came from, so much easier, but then what life would that be? I'm not brave, I just made what I consider to be, the right choice.
So here I am now. I'm more distraught about what is happening than I thought I would be. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be heartless and unforgiving. Actually, it would be damned easy, but it isn't who I am. I'm glad I've forgiven her, even when I didn't realise it. Sure, to have heard her acknowledgment sooner would've been nicer and to have her answer my only question of why ... why was I there? Would be very nice. Not necessary though. I can live without that question being answered, or perhaps without it being answered by her. You can't change the past, you can only live in the present and hope the best for the future.
Find peace mum, it is long overdue and I hope you find the answers perhaps in death that you could never find in life.