~a special gift for basil_ovelby~
A fic for: basil_ovelby
Written by: A secret someone!
Title: If It Hadn't Been For…
Pairing/Group: Go/Ken
Rating: Uhh… PG-13 for cuss words? 8D?
Warnings: Err… kinda angsty?
Notes: None really. I just went with what I know best. My writing form is really abstract too, so… yeah. I’m sorry. (>___>;)
It was one of those rainy nights that Ken had the pleasure of walking through on his way home.
Not that he wasn’t used to it. These things came with not having a car. Plus, it was the steady rain with dark clouds, the kind you see oh so often in dramas that wasn’t so horrible… or at least that’s how Ken thought of it.
His journey carried him through rainy streets and sidewalks, stopping by the supermarket to pick up a few things for dinner for him and his little monster of a dog. At the halfway mark, he by chance glanced across the street and noticed something out of place. Really out of place.
It was Go. Outside. In the rain with only the hood from his jacket covering him.
Ken instantly stopped, his eyes widening.
“Eh…? Why is he…”, he mumbled to himself in confusion.
Without a second thought, he sprinted over to the crosswalk, stopping before he reached the street itself.
“Oi, Gotsuuuun~!!”
The yell earned no reply, slightly agitating Ken. Even better, Go started to walk away.
He frowned more while deciding that ignoring the ‘Do Not Cross’ sign was clearly the best idea and sprinted after him.
“H-hey! Go…. Go!!”
It was that shout that finally got his attention. He turned around to face his chaser, a near thoroughly soaked face greeting the younger man’s. The sight made Ken’s eyes widen slightly, but Go’s was void of any surprise to see him.
“Oh, Ken… What do you want?”
A frown.
“I should be the one asking questions. What are you doing out in the rain without an umbrella?! It’s supposed to get worse an-“
“I’m just in the mood to, ok…?”
“What?! You actually expect me to believe such a stupid excuse, Go?”
Producing a small huff, Go simply turned away… something that shocked Ken because even in a true argument, they would go back and forth for hours. The nagging worry soon turning into a massive growing ball of panic.
Something was definitely wrong, but what? He knew he wasn’t going to get a straight answer like this… and with him wandering around in the rain, who knew what could happen. He could get sick, or ran over from the poor visibility on the roads, or kidnapped by foreign spies!!...
…. Ok, maybe not the last one. But anything was possible to Ken.
So naturally, he did the first thing that came to mind: He ran over and grabbed his wrist. Without a word, he began leading him off down the sidewalk.
“O-OI! What are you do-“
“I’ll come over to your place. You haven’t eaten yet, right?”
Now, it was Go’s turn to be taken aback.
“N-no, but… I do-“
The statement was cut off by himself when the naturally cute face turned to him with a huge grin. Go swore that for a second sparkles, sunshine, and rainbows were about to come out.
“Then it’s settled! You obviously need an umbrella and I want to cook, but I bought too much for me and the dog.”
The simple gesture got Ken exactly what he wanted.
With a small tug, the older man followed next to him with Ken taking extra care to keep the umbrella over both of them while swinging the grocery bag in the other as if this really was normal. Ken caught the mumble from him, despite his face staring down at his shuffling feet.
“… You’re really too weird sometimes.”
“Same goes for you.”
It didn’t take long to reach Go’s apartment and get inside away from the rain luckily. Go’s hoodie was only half soaked and he had worn shorts. His shoes were a totally different story that Ken was not having... as displayed by his immediate grabbing at them.
After a huge tug of war stripping, high pitched cursing, and pissed off blushing glares from the shorter one, Ken finally got the wet sweatshirt and shoes off of him.
Ken flung the wet garment in the air as if it was a prized head from his enemy’s tribe…. One that splayed blood-water all over the wall and the other’s face.
“VICTORY!”
“Can’t you ever do anything normal? I can undress myself!”
A shrug was all he got. Clearly, Go was in his moody hissing cat mode and when that surfaced, Ken knew what to do…
With that, Ken simply walked off to the kitchen, calling over his shoulder.
“I’ll go get started on dinner, ok? Take a shower and change. It’ll suck if you get sick and I’m stuck with just Okada at tomorrow’s meeting.”
The tone of his words was much softer than it had been before. Even though he himself was actually frustrated and just as agitated as his friend, he knew that simple words were needed to calm him.
A shuffle was heard going across the apartment floor… No words or sighs. Ken didn’t dare to turn away from the prep work and pans he already started to get out until he heard the bathroom door close and the sound of running water.
He stared at the dim hallway illuminated with only slivers of escaped fluorescent lighting from the bathroom.
What was he really doing there, forcing himself into his apartment…?
Not that this wasn’t unusual. After almost 18 years together as best friends, they knew each other inside and out. Naturally, they’d come over to each other’s places randomly to talk or drink beer together when something shitty happened at work. Bring a cake over to celebrate the opening night of a movie or butai they were in. Cry together on the couch when something tragic happens… or simply sit out on the porch and talk.
With a sigh he threw in the chicken and spices into the water boiling on the stove, his mind getting lost into the swirling together of the ingredients that created a whirlpool of oil, reds, and chicken pieces.
After a bit more fussing, finding plates, and heating up the leftover rice Go thankfully had, it was time to finally pull the evaporated concoction off the burner. Stirring it gently, his thoughts wandered again…
This time though…. This was different, and Ken knew it.
“I wonder-….”
“It smells good…. Whatever it is you’re making.”
Ken’s head immediately snapped up towards the hall to the source of the voice. He had dressed himself in black pajama pants and a tank top, his hair still slightly damp but not out of place.
“Ahaha doesn’t it? It’s coriander chicken!”
“Oh god, I’m gonna die aren’t I?”
“No! I can cook pretty well... My mom taught me this after all~”
“Well enough to kill…”
He couldn’t help but let a small smile form. He was slowly going back to being normal Gotsun…
“Then you can make your own dinner! To which, I would love to see with the amount of food I saw in there.”
“No, no… I’ll try it out. Really.”
They finally made eye contact when Go looked up at him with an apologetic smile.
A nod with a bright smile.
“Sit on the couch. I’ll bring it out.”
Not even a minute goes by and the aroma of blended spices fills the living room as Ken brings in the plates, setting down each one on the coffee table next to the glasses he already set.
“Heeeere~ My mother’s coriander chicken, cooked to perfection!”, he announces at the same moment he flops into the space next to him on the couch.
“It does look good…”
“It tastes better too.”
“Shut it. I’m getting there.”
“Just sayin’~”
For there, it was utter silence. Near suffocating silence. So bad that the twisted feeling started to home back to Ken as he ate.
Why was it like this? Go wasn’t making any attempt to talk to him about…. Whatever his problem was and it was about to drive him crazy. This was a hard feat since Ken *was* the most easy going person in probably all of the company, but here it was.
Fuck it…
“Tell me seriously, Go…. Why were you outside?”
Go nonchalantly drank from his glass, “… I told you I wanted to. Normal people do it all the time…”
“How many people do you see walking around without an umbrella? Normal people do *not*. Sometimes I wonder if you really are dumb…”
“I’m right and I’m older than you, thus making me wiser about these things.”
That finally triggered the brattiness Ken had tried to suppress.
“….. You’re older by 5 months! You’re still dumb!”, exclaimed, his voice somehow getting higher.
The last line made Go visibly flinch. It was his turn to yell back, voice cracking as it characteristically did.
“When I was in 3rd grade, you were in 2nd grade!”
“….What?! How does that argument even work?!”
“It….”
The unhappy look of annoyance suddenly and slowly dissolved. Go slumped back over, poking at his plate idly with his spoon.
“It just does….”
“Go, are you-…”
“I ended it.”
Ken paused for a moment in confusion.
“Ended what?”
“Aya and I. I ended it.”
“What?! But why? You guys have been together for years!”
A sigh accompanied Go’s leaning backwards against the couch.
“It just wasn’t working with both of our careers and where we both are… and other things that have been lingering… but that’s pretty much the gist of it…”
Ken bit his lip in thought, “And her…?”
“She agreed. It was something we had both talked about a while…”
“Oh…”
“Yeah, well… there it is.”
“But Go-…”
“You found out what you wanted.”
There was the arrow of hurt Ken knew was coming.
Normally, Ken would argue back. Be stubborn and say he had the right to know as a friend.
This time, he could tell that this was something beyond their friendship. The idea itself upset him a little with how much he truly loved Go as a friend…
…. But this was just that time that Ken knew he should just stop, no matter how hurt he himself felt.
“I…. I should probably get going.”
“What…?”
He suddenly stood and started making his way to the door, not looking at Go at all. He couldn’t.
“At this rate, I might miss the last train…”
Just as he made to his shoes, a thudding of footsteps echoes through the apartment from the living room.
“W-wait!”
Ken paused, he shoes on halfway… He straightened up and looked over his shoulder with his only reply being that unintentional sad look he never means to give but here it was…
“Do….. Do you have to go?”
It was Go’s turn to give that same look. His was laced with visible emotional damage. One so bad that it constricted Ken’s heart. He wanted to just leave, but there was something…
“… I guess I don’t. Hachi should be ok by herself…”
“Could you stay over? Like you used to?”
The times before he and Aya slept over each other’s places. Before he saw less and less of him. Before the slight jealousy kicked in that happens to all guys once their best friend finds a girlfriend that you know makes him happy, but you don’t care…
Along with all the random things they used to do when coming over unannounced, sleeping together was pretty much a given. They talked and joked about anything and everything until they fell asleep.
It worked back then to give each other encouragement and help them start off on the way to feeling better about the world and the shit it dished out to them. If it could work now, there’s now way he was going to pass it up for Go’s sake.
“… Sure. I can do that.”
The trip to the bedroom, which was led by Go taking Ken’s hand, and the undressing in the bedroom was done in silence save for the rain beating against the window above Go’s bed. It was dark in the room, but luckily the moon shone through, giving Ken just enough light to see.
Go was already under the bed when Ken managed to get down to his boxers and slides under the sheets on the other side. He exhaled as the pillow seemingly welcomed his head after a 12 hour work day. Glancing over towards Go’s shape on the other end, he waited for a moment to see if he was going to start talking like he always did… but all that he got was silence and the moving up and down of the blanket.
“He must have needed to sleep that bad” Then again, who wouldn’t after dealing with a long term break up?
Settling back on the pillow, Ken slowly let himself start to drift off thanks to the accompaniment of the white noise of rain and the ceiling fan. Sleep would be his…
That was until Go rolled over and wrapped his arms around Ken’s waist, pulling himself into him.
Ken’s eyes flew open in surprise and looked down to see his band member against him. This wasn’t weird or new. They had cuddled all the time in a friendly was too. He was prepared to just go back to sleep, until he caught a murmur…
“…. Why…”
“Eh…?”, Ken whispered. Surely, he wasn’t awake. His eyes were closed and he had been asleep for over an hour…
“Why couldn’t it have been how I wanted? If it hadn’t been for her… If it hadn’t been for love…” His voice came out pathetic. Sorrowful. Pained. Ken still didn’t understand and was just going to ignore it for sleep…
But Go nuzzled against Ken’s neck, breathing against his skin.
“Why couldn’t it have been you?”
Sleep didn’t come to Ken at all that night.