(no subject)
I had to look at where I left off before I could properly enter this post. A lot has happened this summer. I came to Marquette a very broken person. In the beginning of the summer my grandpa committed suicide, and that was hard. Not for me directly, but to have to be there for my dad especially. I wasn't very close to my grandpa, but it was really hard for me to see my Dad upset. I entertained the idea of rekindling an old flame but to my surprised I was "courted" by someone whom I had obtained a school girl crush on for the past year, never in a million years fathoming that they could possibly ever be interested in me.
Things turned out to be more wonderful then I could have ever imagined. I was so in love with this person it was sick. I loved everything about them, and every moment I spent with them. I spent all my days, nights, and even work shifts with them. I was so happy I forgot about all that was around me. I focused every ounce of my energy on the relationship I had invested in with this person. I even forgot about myself, and what made me happy.
I will not make this person out to be someone who ever treated me badly in the relationship. They were not abusive, they were not neglectful, hurtful, or even someone I shared one fight with. They weren't controlling, or insecure. To this day I'm still puzzled by it.
I made a huge mistake. One that unfortunately I will never be able to take back. It isn't the end of the world, but it's something that I will never do again.
I put him first.
I put him first in every aspect of my life. Before my friends, family, and most importantly myself. I used to enjoy working out everyday, however, I put that on hold so that I could spend more time during my day with him. I worked around HIS schedule, and HIS life. Never asking him to do it in return. I denied clear accusations about him from my friends because I didn't want to believe that my perfect world could potentially be broken.
I genuinely believe that this person really cared about me. No one can convince me otherwise that while I was in this relationship with him, he did care for me.
However, something changed.
I was avoided, I was left with excuses and ultimately lies in fear of exposing what was really ultimately the cause: another girl.
Not just any other girl, a girl of whom I had considered to be a friend, one whom I knew to be my boyfriends best friend's girlfriend. Someone who, though I tolerated and maybe even liked, would joke around about to with my boyfriend, perhaps even being mean by criticizing her flaws and laughing about the things his best friend would tell us.
I was told that it had nothing to do about how he felt about me. That there were factors in our relationship that were affecting it that we couldn't control. Such as our age difference (she is only a year and a half older then me)and the fact that we work together and gossip was getting to be too much (gossip isn't a problem unless you have something to hide). These are fine reasons. But I don't believe for a second that they were the ultimate cause of our separation. This breakup came without notice and without any trouble in our relationship that it gave me whiplash. How could someone who I transferred schools to be with and moved out of my parents house to start a life with abandon me? That weekend we had just moved my things into my place after painting it. We spent the weekend drinking wine and celebrating finally being able to be together whenever we please.
I could spend all of my days trying to figure out what. went. wrong. But what good would it do me? Where would I ultimately end up? The more I think about it, the longer it'll take me to get over it.
What upsets me the most when I really think about it is that he told me he still wanted me in his life. Though, he has yet to contact me outside of our work environment and speaks to me only when necessary. What did I do wrong? I feel like I'm being punished for something I have yet to figure out. When I think about it all it makes me crazy.
I'm so angry. At him for ruining such a perfect thing, at myself for allowing myself to be put in such a vulnerable position to be hurt like this.
I will never allow myself to put a man in a more important position then myself in life.
I was good to him, and I cared for him more then he'll ever know.
I was genuinely happy, and in a healthy relationship.
And because of that, I don't think I'll ever really understand what went wrong.
Time to put on a happy face and pretend I'm so much better then I really am.
Things turned out to be more wonderful then I could have ever imagined. I was so in love with this person it was sick. I loved everything about them, and every moment I spent with them. I spent all my days, nights, and even work shifts with them. I was so happy I forgot about all that was around me. I focused every ounce of my energy on the relationship I had invested in with this person. I even forgot about myself, and what made me happy.
I will not make this person out to be someone who ever treated me badly in the relationship. They were not abusive, they were not neglectful, hurtful, or even someone I shared one fight with. They weren't controlling, or insecure. To this day I'm still puzzled by it.
I made a huge mistake. One that unfortunately I will never be able to take back. It isn't the end of the world, but it's something that I will never do again.
I put him first.
I put him first in every aspect of my life. Before my friends, family, and most importantly myself. I used to enjoy working out everyday, however, I put that on hold so that I could spend more time during my day with him. I worked around HIS schedule, and HIS life. Never asking him to do it in return. I denied clear accusations about him from my friends because I didn't want to believe that my perfect world could potentially be broken.
I genuinely believe that this person really cared about me. No one can convince me otherwise that while I was in this relationship with him, he did care for me.
However, something changed.
I was avoided, I was left with excuses and ultimately lies in fear of exposing what was really ultimately the cause: another girl.
Not just any other girl, a girl of whom I had considered to be a friend, one whom I knew to be my boyfriends best friend's girlfriend. Someone who, though I tolerated and maybe even liked, would joke around about to with my boyfriend, perhaps even being mean by criticizing her flaws and laughing about the things his best friend would tell us.
I was told that it had nothing to do about how he felt about me. That there were factors in our relationship that were affecting it that we couldn't control. Such as our age difference (she is only a year and a half older then me)and the fact that we work together and gossip was getting to be too much (gossip isn't a problem unless you have something to hide). These are fine reasons. But I don't believe for a second that they were the ultimate cause of our separation. This breakup came without notice and without any trouble in our relationship that it gave me whiplash. How could someone who I transferred schools to be with and moved out of my parents house to start a life with abandon me? That weekend we had just moved my things into my place after painting it. We spent the weekend drinking wine and celebrating finally being able to be together whenever we please.
I could spend all of my days trying to figure out what. went. wrong. But what good would it do me? Where would I ultimately end up? The more I think about it, the longer it'll take me to get over it.
What upsets me the most when I really think about it is that he told me he still wanted me in his life. Though, he has yet to contact me outside of our work environment and speaks to me only when necessary. What did I do wrong? I feel like I'm being punished for something I have yet to figure out. When I think about it all it makes me crazy.
I'm so angry. At him for ruining such a perfect thing, at myself for allowing myself to be put in such a vulnerable position to be hurt like this.
I will never allow myself to put a man in a more important position then myself in life.
I was good to him, and I cared for him more then he'll ever know.
I was genuinely happy, and in a healthy relationship.
And because of that, I don't think I'll ever really understand what went wrong.
Time to put on a happy face and pretend I'm so much better then I really am.