A Commentary on the Litigiousness of Our Society -or- Taking Work Home With Me
Dear Kobolabalaba,
It should come as no surprise to you that I am simply devastated at the news of your intended absence from this Saturday evening’s Beerfest. That being the case, it should be plainly obvious to all parties that said absence is motivated wholly by a deep and abiding distaste for the Irish in general, Walshes in particular, and me as an individual.
Such prejudices have long been suspected, but it was my fervent desire that I should be able, through kindness and perseverance, to win over some small portion of your sympathies. I see now that such hopes were misplaced. As a result, not only have my feelings been grievously injured, but my presence in such a hopelessly downtrodden state will no doubt impede the ability of those around me to enjoy themselves to a significant degree.
I feel confident enough in this assertion that I have contacted my legal counsel to begin quantifying the pecuniary equivalent of the inevitably severe mental and emotional damages that must surely flow from your reckless decision to forgo attendance at the celebration. He has assured me that he will also look into whether or not criminal charges might simultaneously be brought.
I tell you this not in an attempt to guilt you into altering your plans, but merely as an advisory notice. Despite your callous behavior at present, memories of the several meals you purchased for my benefit while I was in dire straits are still too near to my heart for me not to provide you ample time to seek representation of your own. Be forewarned, however: my guy’s good.
Very truly yours,
Alexander Steven Sebastian Walsh
It should come as no surprise to you that I am simply devastated at the news of your intended absence from this Saturday evening’s Beerfest. That being the case, it should be plainly obvious to all parties that said absence is motivated wholly by a deep and abiding distaste for the Irish in general, Walshes in particular, and me as an individual.
Such prejudices have long been suspected, but it was my fervent desire that I should be able, through kindness and perseverance, to win over some small portion of your sympathies. I see now that such hopes were misplaced. As a result, not only have my feelings been grievously injured, but my presence in such a hopelessly downtrodden state will no doubt impede the ability of those around me to enjoy themselves to a significant degree.
I feel confident enough in this assertion that I have contacted my legal counsel to begin quantifying the pecuniary equivalent of the inevitably severe mental and emotional damages that must surely flow from your reckless decision to forgo attendance at the celebration. He has assured me that he will also look into whether or not criminal charges might simultaneously be brought.
I tell you this not in an attempt to guilt you into altering your plans, but merely as an advisory notice. Despite your callous behavior at present, memories of the several meals you purchased for my benefit while I was in dire straits are still too near to my heart for me not to provide you ample time to seek representation of your own. Be forewarned, however: my guy’s good.
Very truly yours,
Alexander Steven Sebastian Walsh