Power(less)ness
I want to murder my subconscious. I had a dream in which my most recent ex-boyfriend said that he was going to rape me and proceeded to kidnap me and hold me hostage. I finally got away from him but when I got in the car to get away he came into the car saying that he was just joking and that it was just a big prank but I was terrified. I didn't want him to touch me. I was screaming and sobbing. It was.... heavy.
So the really great thing about this is that I have to see him everyday and what's more is I know he would never try to rape me. He's very gentle for being the big brutish asshole that he is sometimes. In fact I'm sure if that did happen to me he would be the first person to find the guy and kick his ass. But anyway, it's hard to sit with him and see his face and reconcile that with my dream, my past experiences with him and this state of nothingness that exists between us right now.
Yeah, so that is one of my dilemmas right now. But I think this dream and some others like it were being propogated by an increasing feeling of powerlessness that I've been having lately. So i talked to a friend and he's going to teach me some self-defense stuff. So, hopefully that will make me feel better. Hopefully.
In other news...
It's only been about two-weeks, but I really want to be in a relationship now. I need that bolster behind me. That someone who is always there and whom I can count on regardless of what else is going on.
Um yeah..
So the really great thing about this is that I have to see him everyday and what's more is I know he would never try to rape me. He's very gentle for being the big brutish asshole that he is sometimes. In fact I'm sure if that did happen to me he would be the first person to find the guy and kick his ass. But anyway, it's hard to sit with him and see his face and reconcile that with my dream, my past experiences with him and this state of nothingness that exists between us right now.
Yeah, so that is one of my dilemmas right now. But I think this dream and some others like it were being propogated by an increasing feeling of powerlessness that I've been having lately. So i talked to a friend and he's going to teach me some self-defense stuff. So, hopefully that will make me feel better. Hopefully.
In other news...
It's only been about two-weeks, but I really want to be in a relationship now. I need that bolster behind me. That someone who is always there and whom I can count on regardless of what else is going on.
Um yeah..