i think briana needs everyone to leave her...then she might realize what a mistake she has made...
maybe this is true. just as much truth held as anything else i suppose.
reguardless, things have been very thought-worthy lately...most of it obviously put into poetry or something like it, but i suppose thats all i have time for...well constructive journal entries require much more effort than simply writing random words in vertical lines on yellow paper.
ok...catching up takes so much out of me...so ill start with the most recent incident...scenario: i called lee, lee had to go due to certain circumstances involving coffee and conversation, briana needed her long awaited caffine fix, coffee to go at surfs seemed practical, pulls into back parking lot, no sign of any familiar vehicular means of transportation(i.e. lees truck), walks to the door, and WHAM! lee and chelsea sitting outside enjoying coffee and conversation, briana(who always keeps her cool) walks up greets the two, introduces herself to the infamous chelsea with a handshake(respectable?), and swears this was purely coincidental, coffee to go, and leaves.
maybe to me something like this is worth mention, just because of its irony and quite possibly the bitter lack of preparation associated with intoduction to someone in the position of "ex-girlfriend/fiance/love of his life". maybe that last one isnt so past tense. but still, i could definately feel the tension...it made me smile...want to bathe in it...how ever that sounds im not sure. im just relieved that i can aviod akwardness...well for my benefit at least. and hey, its not like anything should have been akward...as of yesterday we(as in lee and i) are not so lee and i, so maybe the "ex-girlfriends" could get together sometime and have our own little coffee and conversation...one problem with that...i was never "girlfriend" so............nevermind.
ahhh...sometimes briana seems a little more non-chalant than actuality...maybe thats a good thing...or maybe its just extreme sarcasm that briana uses to cover up...or wear out on her sleeve...or maybe things are just this simple and briana likes to use words to draw the illusion of substance or importance...or both...or the exact opposite.
id like to stress the fact that i feel a lot more than i tend let on to people and i usually let on pretty strong as it is.
i am anything but immune to emotion and the before and after effects...i have never denied this, but i feel its necessary to reiterate once in a while. i do feel.
i think that boy and myself are as dead as we ever will be...considering the situation above anything else...the situation being inevitable...who thought that such tangible things could get in the way of the desire to be happy.
so here i am, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
i just want things to come to me so badly...it seems impatient of me...maybe naive or foolish, but it wouldnt be so difficult if i didnt know what i want...or what i need for that matter. such a young girl in so many grown up situations...it makes me less excited for the future.
i called him, he'll call me back, what does it mean and what will it accomplish, im nervous, and i hate being nervous.
something needs to happen this summer. anything to distinguish 04' from 05' because it feels quite similar so far and i really did depend on the new year to bring new things...well at least old things put through the washer and dryer a few times. something clean. nothing just yet...nothing with the impression staying for a while. i would like something to stay for a while. anything consistant has gone away. that might be ok though...might not.
so i have less than 10 minutes of computer time left on my tab...which means wrap it up...like the article in the enquirer about the guy whos' mother died and he wraped her in saran wrap and stood her in the corner of his living room and no one found out until nearly 6 months later when neighbors began to complain of the horrible stench of rotting flesh.
on that note...buy more tabloids.
reguardless, things have been very thought-worthy lately...most of it obviously put into poetry or something like it, but i suppose thats all i have time for...well constructive journal entries require much more effort than simply writing random words in vertical lines on yellow paper.
ok...catching up takes so much out of me...so ill start with the most recent incident...scenario: i called lee, lee had to go due to certain circumstances involving coffee and conversation, briana needed her long awaited caffine fix, coffee to go at surfs seemed practical, pulls into back parking lot, no sign of any familiar vehicular means of transportation(i.e. lees truck), walks to the door, and WHAM! lee and chelsea sitting outside enjoying coffee and conversation, briana(who always keeps her cool) walks up greets the two, introduces herself to the infamous chelsea with a handshake(respectable?), and swears this was purely coincidental, coffee to go, and leaves.
maybe to me something like this is worth mention, just because of its irony and quite possibly the bitter lack of preparation associated with intoduction to someone in the position of "ex-girlfriend/fiance/love of his life". maybe that last one isnt so past tense. but still, i could definately feel the tension...it made me smile...want to bathe in it...how ever that sounds im not sure. im just relieved that i can aviod akwardness...well for my benefit at least. and hey, its not like anything should have been akward...as of yesterday we(as in lee and i) are not so lee and i, so maybe the "ex-girlfriends" could get together sometime and have our own little coffee and conversation...one problem with that...i was never "girlfriend" so............nevermind.
ahhh...sometimes briana seems a little more non-chalant than actuality...maybe thats a good thing...or maybe its just extreme sarcasm that briana uses to cover up...or wear out on her sleeve...or maybe things are just this simple and briana likes to use words to draw the illusion of substance or importance...or both...or the exact opposite.
id like to stress the fact that i feel a lot more than i tend let on to people and i usually let on pretty strong as it is.
i am anything but immune to emotion and the before and after effects...i have never denied this, but i feel its necessary to reiterate once in a while. i do feel.
i think that boy and myself are as dead as we ever will be...considering the situation above anything else...the situation being inevitable...who thought that such tangible things could get in the way of the desire to be happy.
so here i am, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
i just want things to come to me so badly...it seems impatient of me...maybe naive or foolish, but it wouldnt be so difficult if i didnt know what i want...or what i need for that matter. such a young girl in so many grown up situations...it makes me less excited for the future.
i called him, he'll call me back, what does it mean and what will it accomplish, im nervous, and i hate being nervous.
something needs to happen this summer. anything to distinguish 04' from 05' because it feels quite similar so far and i really did depend on the new year to bring new things...well at least old things put through the washer and dryer a few times. something clean. nothing just yet...nothing with the impression staying for a while. i would like something to stay for a while. anything consistant has gone away. that might be ok though...might not.
so i have less than 10 minutes of computer time left on my tab...which means wrap it up...like the article in the enquirer about the guy whos' mother died and he wraped her in saran wrap and stood her in the corner of his living room and no one found out until nearly 6 months later when neighbors began to complain of the horrible stench of rotting flesh.
on that note...buy more tabloids.