So, I was on amazon.com and stumbled upon the weirdest review I've ever seen. I looked at the user's other reviews and they're so off base I couldn't stop laughing. Here are some of the highlights
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If you like him that much I have a few more for you:
For Stone Temple Pilot's "Purple": Have a Coke and some bile (1 star) Mindless jock rock masterminded by a dope fiend. This kind of crap couldn't even sell a can of Coke these days. Choreographed crunches of noise as lame as a crackhead on crutches. I hear Scott weiland kept a billy goat in his trailer during the making of this snoozer -- and that when recording was all done the goat was nowhere to be found, but Scotty was sporting a fresh new goatie.
For The Fast and the Furious-Tokyo Drift: Taking it to the neXt level, (5 stars) Finally, somebody decides to take filmmaking to the next level. The X-level, yo, as in Xtreme! And it's multicultural, so that scores it boocoo points. You get to learn about our sister country, Japan. It sure seems hectic, but hey it's hectic anyway when you got a dad who's so mean and your mom ships you off because you like putting the petal to the medal. Step aside, "Rebel Without A Cause" ... "Tokyo Drift" is coming through and there's definitely not a cause in sight. I can't believe those turns, dog. This joint is worth the 5 stars just for that rubber-scrubbing factor alone.
For Jaws: Odysseus, my asseus! (1 star) Man, that shark is so fake (except for the few scenes Dave so brilliantly pointed out in the comments below). Oh, god, here comes the big polyurethane sculpture! Anbody been to the beach lately? Man, this will be an interesting relic when the seas have turned to sewage and beachfront property is lined with trailers, trash bins and rabid dogs. Yeah, don't go in the water! Seriously, though, wouldn't this have made a kickass musical?
For Armageddon: A masterpiece that deserves all the stars in this galaxy and beyond (5 stars) Classic edge-of-your-seat psychological drama. Hitchcock would be proud! This one is sure to be added to film history syllabi. Steve Buscemi has never been better. Riveting, complex characters and a tightly-woven plot. I love the little boy who saved that starving alien. That alien was cute beyond comprehension and I cried all over my popcorn and it got soggy and I threw up on the floor. And then I went out on the road with Def Leppard. ARMAGEDDON-IT!!!
For Mask (the one with Cher): On the bright side, Cher remains fully clothed (1 star) I liked it so much better when Eric Stoltz lived with that other family and decided to shack up with his tomboy drummer next-door neighbor chick with the new wave hairdo and duds, and tight little body. He turned down the annoying, future homemaker-looking Mrs. Popularity in the process. Amazing! Damn, it looks like Eric got stung in the face by a wild pack of bees for hours and then had his head stretched on a rack after being taken in by his new foster mom and biker gang. Don't worry, these are the same bikers as the ones who deliver cute little stuffed animals to kids with leukemia, so it's all good. Not! Later, if you'll remember, Eric devolves into a drug addict bank robber in Paris and eventually earns a living selling drugs to folks like Vincent Vega, an inane, puffy-faced and high-ranking Scientology official. So I guess you can at least partly blame Eric for "Battlefield Earth."
For Apocalypse Now: Worse than a cooking show (1 star) Somebody give that guy a vitamin B injection. Hey man, taste the rainbow and pass the animation! Did you know that this movie has been known to drive people insane? Are you willing to risk the chance? Ever jammed a toothbrush up your hole? I'd swear that Denny Hoppedup had before Mr. Zoloft Director yelled "action." Dance, monkeyboy! OK, Blando, we get it, you just want to live on your little island and grow midget-freaks from pumpkin seeds. LooK: Don't write a review unless you really have a strong opinion about it. 1 or 5 stars only, baby.
For Stone Temple Pilot's "Purple":
Have a Coke and some bile (1 star)
Mindless jock rock masterminded by a dope fiend. This kind of crap couldn't even sell a can of Coke these days. Choreographed crunches of noise as lame as a crackhead on crutches. I hear Scott weiland kept a billy goat in his trailer during the making of this snoozer -- and that when recording was all done the goat was nowhere to be found, but Scotty was sporting a fresh new goatie.
For The Fast and the Furious-Tokyo Drift:
Taking it to the neXt level, (5 stars)
Finally, somebody decides to take filmmaking to the next level. The X-level, yo, as in Xtreme! And it's multicultural, so that scores it boocoo points. You get to learn about our sister country, Japan. It sure seems hectic, but hey it's hectic anyway when you got a dad who's so mean and your mom ships you off because you like putting the petal to the medal. Step aside, "Rebel Without A Cause" ... "Tokyo Drift" is coming through and there's definitely not a cause in sight. I can't believe those turns, dog. This joint is worth the 5 stars just for that rubber-scrubbing factor alone.
For Jaws:
Odysseus, my asseus! (1 star)
Man, that shark is so fake (except for the few scenes Dave so brilliantly pointed out in the comments below). Oh, god, here comes the big polyurethane sculpture! Anbody been to the beach lately? Man, this will be an interesting relic when the seas have turned to sewage and beachfront property is lined with trailers, trash bins and rabid dogs. Yeah, don't go in the water! Seriously, though, wouldn't this have made a kickass musical?
For Armageddon:
A masterpiece that deserves all the stars in this galaxy and beyond (5 stars)
Classic edge-of-your-seat psychological drama. Hitchcock would be proud! This one is sure to be added to film history syllabi. Steve Buscemi has never been better. Riveting, complex characters and a tightly-woven plot. I love the little boy who saved that starving alien. That alien was cute beyond comprehension and I cried all over my popcorn and it got soggy and I threw up on the floor. And then I went out on the road with Def Leppard. ARMAGEDDON-IT!!!
For Mask (the one with Cher):
On the bright side, Cher remains fully clothed (1 star)
I liked it so much better when Eric Stoltz lived with that other family and decided to shack up with his tomboy drummer next-door neighbor chick with the new wave hairdo and duds, and tight little body. He turned down the annoying, future homemaker-looking Mrs. Popularity in the process. Amazing! Damn, it looks like Eric got stung in the face by a wild pack of bees for hours and then had his head stretched on a rack after being taken in by his new foster mom and biker gang. Don't worry, these are the same bikers as the ones who deliver cute little stuffed animals to kids with leukemia, so it's all good. Not! Later, if you'll remember, Eric devolves into a drug addict bank robber in Paris and eventually earns a living selling drugs to folks like Vincent Vega, an inane, puffy-faced and high-ranking Scientology official. So I guess you can at least partly blame Eric for "Battlefield Earth."
For Apocalypse Now:
Worse than a cooking show (1 star)
Somebody give that guy a vitamin B injection. Hey man, taste the rainbow and pass the animation! Did you know that this movie has been known to drive people insane? Are you willing to risk the chance? Ever jammed a toothbrush up your hole? I'd swear that Denny Hoppedup had before Mr. Zoloft Director yelled "action." Dance, monkeyboy! OK, Blando, we get it, you just want to live on your little island and grow midget-freaks from pumpkin seeds. LooK: Don't write a review unless you really have a strong opinion about it. 1 or 5 stars only, baby.
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