Begin Again
Title: Begin Again
Rating: G
Length: 4.1k
Summary: Kyungsoo's lost himself and Jongin finds him again.
a/n: this is all d_ecrease & uponinfinity's fault.
Loud colors stare back at Kyungsoo, red and blue mixing angrily with the yellow of his shirt as it forms a distorted image of Spiderman carrying a Wagasa[1], the pink dotting cherry blossoms around the spaces. He remembers buying it with Baekhyun on one of their trip, eyes indulging in the colors just like that night he indulges himself with the festive sounds around him, the night sky bright with fireworks as they mark the end of the Tenjin festival[2]. He would wear them today because he’s meeting up with Baekhyun. He would wear them today, but he can’t. So he shrugs it off, plain white button up replacing its place and his boring world returns.
He skips his favorite watch, blood red and alive with a dull silver which weighs heavily on his wrist before he’s out the door, trying not too hard to think of the shoes haphazardly placed beside his bed.
“You look… the same.” Baekhyun speaks first when Kyungsoo’s sitting in front of him at their usual table on Chanyeol’s café. Kyungsoo quirks a brow, silently judging his best friend before letting his eyes travel down to the papers strewn all over the table. He sees a messy doodle of what he presumes is his crying face on one and Baekhyun hastily crumples them to the side when he notices Kyungsoo’s stare.
“That wasn’t you!” the other male defenses, making a show of mock indignation when Kyungsoo hasn’t even uttered a word.
Chanyeol comes out a moment later, handing both of them their usual cup of coffees before sitting beside Baekhyun and pestering the shorter male. Kyungsoo watches Baekhyun’s fingers as they skittered delicately on the paper instead of the smiles he knows the other is flashing Chanyeol.
He stays like this the entire afternoon, throwing sarcastic comments every now and then on how the male lead’s nose is crooked and that the female uniforms are shorter than their underwear. Chanyeol punctuates his every sentence so he asks if he should even be there. This silences Chanyeol before he’s scrambling up, cursing about leaving Tao all alone on the cashier but not without pressing a sloppy kiss on Baekhyun’s cheek.
“When will you come back?” Baekhyun asks not a minute after Chanyeol left, eyes never leaving their attention of the paper and fingers never ceasing their movements. Kyungsoo stares at him, long and hard, and Baekhyun stops to look up at him when he stays silent.
“It’s been almost eight months, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun starts again with a firm voice, completely different from his usual high-pitched whines and complains. “You don’t need to do this to yourself anymore. You’re free.”
You’re free.
He throws Baekhyun one of those fake annoyed looks before clucking his tongue and nodding. Baekhyun doesn’t make any move of acknowledgement and Kyungsoo, out of habit, glances at his watch. It’s almost six in the evening.
“I have to go.” He says hastily, standing up and failing to notice the disbelieving look on Baekhyun’s face. He pauses, looking at Baekhyun and smiling and then he’s walking out with a slight wave to Chanyeol’s direction.
It’s late Saturday afternoon when Kyungsoo goes out, clean black jeans and firmly pressed shirt staring back at him from the glass walls of the stores he passes by. It’s just plain white and he tilts his head in the slightest, wondering if it was really him in the reflection. It’s broken by the posters suddenly plastered all over the glass walls, dull transparent replaced by colorful clashes of music bands and movie posters.
He feels something wet hitting the back of his neck and he looks up, bleary dark skies glaring right back at him as the first few drops start falling. He sighs, cursing softly before he’s entering the music store just for the sole purpose of having a shelter from the rain. He pretends it’s not because he hears his favorite band playing their music loud from the speakers.
It’s an unconscious movement when he finds himself in front of the foreign music section, different cases flashing names like neon signs for him to get lost into. He allows his finger to trace some of the covers, smiling slightly. Looking around, he nervously pulls out a case and stares at it briefly before he’s off to play it. He’s in the middle of putting on the headphones when a voice startles him.
“Aqua Timez?”
Kyungsoo almost drops the cd’s case in surprise, turning around so quick to face the stranger. There was a look of panic on his face and he remembers dozens of cds tucked far, far in a box under his bed.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Kyungsoo shakes the thought off his head and tries to fix his expression. He glances back at the male in front of him, standing up much straighter when he sees sleepy eyes and a flurry of colors stare right back at him.
The stranger seems to notice his appraisal because he’s suddenly fidgeting and Kyungsoo clears his throat. “I didn’t- I was just looking around and I thought-“
“Oh.” Jongin says, his bright demeanor dropping and replaced with an apologetic one. “You should try listening to them though. They’re great.”
Kyungsoo blinks his surprise at his words and the voice at the back of his head disappeared. He sees the cute stranger walk away and he doesn’t really think when he calls out for him.
“I like Alones.” He says breathlessly as if his whole body needed all the air it could get for him to say those three words.
The stranger looks at him in confusion for a few seconds and Kyungsoo’s scared he’s making another mistake. He pulls his hand back, which was slightly forward as if to grasp something and he feels embarrassed.
“Velonica.”
Kyungsoo stops.
“I like Velonica the most. The drums were awesome.”
The chattering from the background comes up again and Kyungsoo unknowingly breathes out a sigh of relief. He’s glad.
“I’m Jongin.” He doesn’t notice the man walk back towards him, leaving a few good distance and a hand in between them. Kyungsoo draws his gaze from his hand to his face, feeling himself smile as well at the bright grin the other was flashing him.
“Kyungsoo.” He says, accepting the hand and the buzzing feeling with it.
Baekhyun steps inside Kyungsoo’s apartment with his mouth open.
“What?”
“The music.” Was all Baekhyun could say but it’s enough for Kyungsoo to duck his head down in clear embarrassment, making a lame excuse of getting Baekhyun a glass of juice.
Kyungsoo groans when he returned minutes later to a still widely grinning Baekhyun. He places the glass a little harder on the desk and inwardly cheers when some of it splashed down Baekhyun’s pants. But the older male is still grinning.
“Have you permanently damaged your brain?” Kyungsoo asks dryly, pretending to not know the reason behind Baekhyun’s grins. He fingers the hem of his shirt, still white but with small circular patterns and he thinks it’s a start.
“What happened during the weekend?” Baekhyun asks instead, completely ignoring Kyungsoo’s insult as he maintains his cheerful attitude. Chanyeol bless the heavens today or was it the opposite?
Kyungsoo just makes a face, standing up and turning the music from his laptop and then turning on the television. Baekhyun’s half expecting Kyungsoo to start watching CNN but it was a nice surprise when Dipper and Mabel’s face showed up on the screen. Kyungsoo’s almost afraid to look at Baekhyun again.
“I went to the music store.” Kyungsoo says before Baekhyun could ask again. It’s the only thing he said but it was enough to light up Baekhyun’s face (if that was even possible).
Baekhyun remembers high school memories filled with anime posters and rock music; remembers Kyungsoo’s wide-eyed gaze when they first watched a concert so he stares at the Kyungsoo in front of him and wishes so hard he’s not dreaming.
Baekhyun stays until dinner. He stays until Chanyeol calls him to whine about him having to eat instant noodles while his boyfriend enjoys a perfectly good home-cooked meal.
“Introduce him to me when you got the time, yeah?” Baekhyun calls out from the door and Kyungsoo’s groan goes unheard over Baekhyun’s laughter.
It’s another week before Kyungsoo receives a text from Jongin and it’s a simple ‘wanna grab lunch on a Wednesday’ type.
It’s eleven when he leaves his apartment. It takes ten minutes to get there by car so Kyungsoo accepts the fact that he’ll be waiting when they agreed to meet at exactly 12. He’s used to it.
He enters the café at almost half past eleven and prepares to look for a vacant table. He spots one near the far corner but he isn’t able to sit down when he sees Jongin sitting on the farthest one, eyes drawn outside the window.
He feels his heart stutter as he walks towards him, Jongin’s eye catching him when he’s almost there and the quickly stands up, walks around and pull the chair out for him. Kyungsoo’s heart throbs almost painfully.
“You’re early.” Jongin comments playfully.
“So are you.”
Jongin just laughs, incredibly loud and boyish and it makes Kyungsoo tense as he looks around. He sees people eating, laughing together and none of them looking their way and Kyungsoo stops, taking a moment to clear his head.
“Kyungsoo?”
He meets Jongin’s worried gaze so he flashes a smile, a not so fake one hoping it would be enough for Jongin. And it was because Jongin’s returning the smile.
Jongin is talkative; he learns when the other male won’t shut up about anything and everything. Kyungso’s thankful because he doesn’t need to supply fake words just to avoid the awkwardness, Jongin seeming content with his small smiles and rare responses.
“What do you do?” Jongin blurts out suddenly and Kyungsoo’s startled to see the color on his cheeks.
“I draw.” He says simply, prepared for the usual ‘that’s not practical’ comments but when he gets none, he looks up at Jongin in confusion.
The male’s expression was painted in awe, eyes twinkling with amazement and mischief and Kyungsoo blushes under the unfamiliar gaze.
Jongin latches hard on the topic, asking Kyungsoo what things he likes to draws and how much time he usually spends and a lot more other things.
Is it hard?
I can’t really figure out how to draw a person’s hand. Or foot!
Can you teach me how to draw?
Are you going out with someone?
The last question caught him off guard. He turns to look at Jongin who’s innocently staring at him, expecting an answer. He opens his mouth, tries so hard to find the words but he can’t so he just shakes his head, forcing black and white shirts under his mind’s closet.
“Why are you so shy?” Jongin asks again and Kyungsoo flushes harder. He’s not sure if he’s melting because of Jongin’s gaze or because of the sincerity on his voice.
“I’m not.” He says, lamely trying to defend himself. It makes his brows crease and his lips pout in disagreement. And it makes Jongin laugh that loud and stupid laugh again.
“You’re cute.” Jongin says when he’s calmed enough and Kyungsoo finds himself smiling as well, even when his hand itched to clutch at his chest where there’s a buzzing ache again.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol meet Jongin formally on a Sunday night.
Kyungsoo’s wearing all black and Baekhyun comments that they’re going to the movies, not to the cemetery. He hits him on the arm before he could stop himself before he looks at Jongin, scared all of a sudden. But all he sees is Jongin’s amused smile and Baekhyun’s loud laughter pulls him back.
He tries to remember when was the last time he watched a movie in the cinema and tries to forget suits and cocktails and the opera in favor of tonight. Jongin’s wearing shorts just above the knee and a gray sweater and he looks so young. It makes Kyungsoo feel so old and boring, and maybe he was when he’s only a year older than him.
“Let’s get popcorns!” Baekhyun exclaims excitedly. He watches Baekhyun and Chanyeol run towards the snack station before he’s being pulled by Jongin, a hand warm around his as they run after the two. They stop beside Chanyeol and Jongin grins and Kyungsoo laughs. And everyone stares.
Baekhyun looks close to crying so Chanyeol just pats his back before grinning at Kyungsoo. He actually got scared when Baekhyun starts hugging Jongin who looks extremely confused at the affection.
Godzilla was childish, he remembers himself complaining to Baekhyun when they were making plans but he still went anyway. And he’s sitting between Jongin and Baekhyun while he watches the nuclear plants blow up and he thinks he hears Jongin sniffling beside him so he tries very hard not to look.
It’s when the screen showed a female MUTO carrying eggs did the silence shattered, crashed and burned by Jongin’s laughter and Kyungsoo hastily covers the younger’s mouth with his hand. He feels the air hot on his palm so he pulls it back just as quick, not failing to see Jongin’s teasing smile and flushed cheeks.
He worries slightly when he sees Baekhyun dragging Jongin somewhere when they got out, and he makes a move to follow but Chanyeol effectively blocks him and makes up an excuse that he needs Kyungsoo’s help to buy the perfect shade of chapstick.
“What are you planning?” he asks bitterly when they’re in the cosmetics section, the sales ladies gazes weighing heavily on his back.
“Baekhyun just wants help with buying a shirt.” Chanyeol lies and Kyungsoo sighs because it’s too obvious.
In the end, they weren’t able to buy any chapstick and instead Chanyeol was carrying a bag full of hair dye, pouting at Baekhyun and insisting it was a gift for Sehun.
“What.”
Jongin hums, glancing at Kyungsoo as they’re walking back towards his car. He’s tongue tied, scared of asking because he doesn’t want to sound nosy.
“What did Baekhyun say?” Jongin finishes for him and he swallows loudly, nodding.
“That I should date you.” Kyungsoo wants to choke on the other’s bluntness. “And that he’ll kill me if I hurt you.”
Kyungsoo apologizes profusely at that until they’re both inside his car. They don’t end up going home though, stopping at a nearby park and just enjoying the night sky.
Kyungsoo’s tongue itched to asks something, wondering it Baekhyun said anything else and Jongin seems to pick up his apprehensiveness.
“He didn’t say anything else.” He supplies and Kyungsoo stares at him, heart beating twice as fast and the urge to tell his story grows stronger. He wants to see if Jongin’ll understand; if he’s different from Junmyeon.
But Jongin opens his mouth, telling him stories about his friends and his passion for dancing, painting vivid hues on Kyungsoo’s all too sudden bleak imagination and replacing gray scale memories with highly contrasted ones.
“I like rock music.” He shyly says when Jongin runs out of breath. It makes Jongin turn his head too fast for his liking and he thinks he’s said the wrong thing but Jongin is suddenly smiling too wide and he takes it as a good sign.
He opens his mouth this time, his turn to tell stories long buried in charcoal sad yesterdays. He repaints them with loud colors, as loud as Jongin’s laughter and he finds himself laughing far more than he had the past few months. Jongin is a good story teller, but he’s even better of a listener and Kyungsoo’s heart aches again.
It’s past eleven when Kyungsoo drops Jongin outside of his apartment. He stays seated, hands on the wheel and tries to ignore Jongin’s heavy gaze directed at him.
“I’ll see you next time?” Jongin starts unsurely and Kyungsoo mistakes it for hesitancy. Maybe Jongin doesn’t want to see him anymore because he’s boring.
“Yeah.” He replies distractedly, missing the far-away look Jongin is directing at him.
And then he heads home.
“I’m boring.” Kyungsoo says all of a sudden.
Baekhyun looks up, stopping his fingers from finishing the last scenery he needs for the next chapter. He glances at what Kyungsoo’s wearing; bright green shirt with Car’s McQueen taking up the front. And he’s wearing shorts. Let’s not forget the shorts, Baekhyun mused. He takes note of the music blaring from Kyungsoo’s speakers and he’s quite sure it’s ROOKiEZ is PUNK’D’s Complication playing. So no, he doesn’t understand why Kyungsoo would assume that he’s boring.
“You’re not boring.” Baekhyun says and when he sees Kyungsoo open his mouth to disagree, he beats him to it. “Not anymore.”
Kyungsoo’s shoulders sag, his argument dissipating with Baekhyun’s words.
“Look at you,” Baekhyun starts, completely dropping his pen and appraising Kyungsoo from head to toe. “You’re you again, Kyungsoo. You’re the one I met back in high school and for a few months, I honestly thought I would never get him back.”
Baekhyun’s words were like fingers slowly scratching the scab away, it still hurts but it’s healing. Because it’s the truth. He knows it himself.
“I thought I lost me too.”
“Kyungsoo, we’re not going out with you dress like a delinquent.” Junmyeon chides him when he sees Kyungsoo come out from his room wearing a sweatshirt filled with Marvel graphics. He stares; hurt that Junmyeon would say something like that but changes nonetheless. He doesn’t count how many shirts he’s tried because Junmyeon never approves.
“There. You look gorgeous.” Junmyeon praises him when he shows up at dinner wearing black slacks and white long-sleeved button up. He tries not to show his discomfort and Junmyeon obviously doesn’t notice especially when his parents finally showed up.
He spends the entire dinner listening to Junmyeon’s mom saying how ‘drawing won’t take you anywhere.’ and his dad’s ‘I’ll let you work as Junmyeon’s secretary if you want.” He doesn’t accept the offer but he’s left with almost nothing but an insecure heart.
Baekhyun notices the changes a few weeks after. How Kyungsoo’s not as sarcastic anymore; not as talkative anymore. He never sees the shirts he’s so used to seeing Kyungsoo wear instead he sees plain colored button ups and slacks replacing jeans. His worn out sneakers are left at the bottom of the shoe rack and all he wears nowadays are black leather shoes. The loud comfort of his apartment is gone, the cds stacked on a box under his bed. Baekhyun wonders where his best friend had gone.
“I don’t like Junmyeon.” Baekhyun admits one day, pencil too rough against the paper before it snaps and he looks up at Kyungsoo’s hurt expression. “He’s not good for you. He’s changing you.”
“For the better, Baek.” Kyungsoo always reasons out and after the fifth time, Baekhyun gets tired and shuts up.
Kyungsoo notices the changes, he does. It’s sad because he knows Baekhyun’s telling the truth but he can’t seem to agree, not when he doesn’t know how to be himself without Junmyeon anymore.
He rarely sees Baekhyun and Chanyeol and more time is spend with Junmyeon; more time he sees he’s not Kyungsoo anymore but a doll created to fit Junmyeon’s wants.
What does he even want?
His editor forcibly gave him a break because he just doesn’t draw the same anymore, not when Junmyeon and his parents’ words still bite through his every pore, his every attempt at drawing a line from top to bottom.
His pen cracks from the weight of his hand and thoughts.
He cracks.
Kyungsoo avoids Jongin like the plague.
He's starting to be himself again and he's scared Jongin won't like what he sees and Kyungsoo isn't prepared to face yet another heartbreak.
He doesn't want to be someone else again just for him to be accepted and he's rather stop it now before Jongin gets tired of him first.
He sees Baekhyun worrying but he dismisses it off with a wave of hand, excusing himself with 'my deadline is drawing near.'
He sees Jongin running towards him the minute he steps out of the cafe and he runs, practically hurling himself behind the wheel and driving away.
It'll hurt less that way if he starts stops seeing Jongin.
He stops in front of the mirror again, takes a deep breath and stare. His reflection stares back at him, messy hair and yellow sweatshirt and faded jeans. He smiles slightly.
It's for the best if he stops everything before it gets too late and he loses himself again.
After all, he thinks all love ever does is break and burn and end.
It’s when Baekhyun leaves after his usual visit that Kyungsoo feels the loneliness. It’s been a week since he started avoiding Jongin and he knows it's his fault.
And his heart aches in a terrible way.
Maybe he wasn’t what Jongin wanted, like how Junmyeon didn’t want him either.
There’s a rhythmic rap on the door and Kyungsoo startles, heart racing because a psycho might be outside but he takes the chance. The continuous taps remind him of a song and it’s possibly the reason why he opens the door and gets face to face with Jongin.
“Hi.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t even spare a second before he’s turning around and attempting to bolt inside his bedroom but Jongin was faster, holding him by his wrist firmly and stepping inside.
“Where are you going?”
“I was going t-to change.” Kyungsoo stammers, bowing his head down and fidgeting under Jongin’s stare. He’s still wearing the shirt and shorts and he doesn’t want Jongin to see him like this.
“Why?” Jongin asks, confusion clear on his voice.
Kyungsoo doesn’t answer, knees sticking together and it dawns on Jongin why.
“You look amazing, hyung.” Jongin says softly and Kyungsoo’s head snaps up. It’s his first time hearing Jongin call him hyung, but it’s even more of a surprise when he gets complimented instead of being reprimanded.
Jongin shifts so he’s facing Kyungsoo fully and takes both of his hands on his. He smiles that childish smile and Kyungsoo opens his mouth, words suddenly filling him and he doesn’t know which to say first.
“I’m wearing a kid’s shirt.” He says abruptly and Jongin laughs, throwing his head back and then bending down but he doesn’t let go of Kyungsoo’s hands.
“And shorts. And I haven’t taken a bath yet.” Kyungsoo continues and Jongin’s laughter dies down to soft chuckles until he’s smiling fondly at Kyungsoo instead.
“And yet you still look amazing.” Jongin finishes for him and Kyungsoo desperately hopes he isn’t dreaming.
“I like you.” Kyungsoo blurts out when he can’t contain his emotions anymore and he’s so, so glad he was able to say that because Jongin’s grin is contagious when he leans forward until their foreheads touch.
“It’s a good thing I like you too, hyung.” Jongin says in a whisper.
“Even when I’m like this?” Kyungsoo asks uncertainly and Jongin finds him irresistibly cute.
“Even when you aren’t wearing anything.” Kyungsoo blushes hard and Jongin just laughs again before he’s being wrapped around lean arms.
“I like you just the way you are, hyung.” Jongin whispers against his hair. “And I’m not quoting Bruno Mars, just so you know.”
Kyungsoo laughs and laughs just so he could hide the tears that are coming out from his eyes unwantedly.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol invites the both of them in a Japanese restaurant the next day. Kyungsoo’s still quiet about the whole thing, more often than not blushing every time Jongin so much as hold his hand.
Baekhyun just finds it incredibly cute and relieving.
He nods in contentment when Jongin and Kyungsoo arrives, the latter wearing a simple pair of jeans and a red shirt with Minnie Mouse in the middle. It takes a second more for Baekhyun to realize that Jongin’s wearing the same shirt only with Mickey in his.
Baekhyun squeals loudly.
Jongin carefully hands the chop sticks to Kyungsoo, smiling encouragingly at him before he starts placing food on his plate. Kyungsoo stares at it, fingers shaking as he tries to hold them properly but it ends up falling on the table anyways.
He freezes, looking up at Baekhyun and Chanyeol before turning to face Jongin in fear. He messed up.
But Jongin just grins at him, making a face at the chop sticks and then awkwardly trying to grab a piece of gyuudon which ended up falling back on his bowl.
Kyungsoo sniffs and then laughs, his hand finding Jongin’s under the table.
He begins again.
[1] Wagasa - Japanese traditional umbrellas made of Bamboo, oil and Japanese paper.
[2] Tenjin Festival - the festival of the Tenmangu Shrine which honors its principle deity Sugawara Michizane, the deity of scholarship.