we're not in kansas, aka highschool anymore
I have often in my life been accused of pussying out and apologizing spinelessly for things that aren’t my fault, solely for the sake of keeping the peace… I’ve been called a coward, a pussy, spineless, and one who possesses the self-esteem of an infant, honestly believing everything that’s remotely dramatic in my life to be the fault of my own… I lost Lauren Durant over this, I’ve lost Ashley Goodman over this, and a few others since high school…. Yes, I am guilty as charged. One day, every little boy next door wakes up from this daydream of a life and stands up for himself when he has been wrongly done… that day for me is today.
This post is dedicated/directed toward said individual Liz Evanson, a former romantic interest and best friend of mine throughout and out of high school. She, quite simply, fucked me over. Liz, you betrayed my friendship and publically embarrassed me one too many times, and I’m still not entirely sure why, knowing that I would never dream of doing such things to you… but you earned this.
Therefore I ask, Livejournal Community, please help me determine what it is that I did wrong to cause a former best friend to turn her back on me in this manner…
today is the day that i awoke inside myself while crying in the parking
lot of barnes&nobles wondering where i went wrong in life and what
single act could i possibly have done to deserve such treatment from
someone i once had romantic feelings for and for many years have called
a best friend of mine...
but in my realization, i was finally able to come to the conclusion:
nothing. i didn't do anything wrong... i am in fact the victim of an
extremely immature little girl who doesn't know how else to deal with
embarassment.
( now this is important - before everyone begins to type comments of
"oh, how mature are you to do this shit on livejournal..." well, how
else can you tell someone how you feel if they won't listen... thus i
write. )
honestly, i'm pissed the fuck off.
said individual, liz evanson (oh yeah, i'm totally calling you on your
shit by name for you more than deserve it after all you've put me
through) sat in the passengers seat of my truck after a denny's evening
of discussing life, love, and the pursuit of happiness... shootin' the
shit really. i had weed, we were out in front of a cvs... i asked if she
wanted to smoke. she had a bottle of vodka, didn't really feel like
drinking. homegurl incessively came onto me, to the point of unzipping
her pants and offering to go into the 24hour walgreens and pay for a
box, yes box of condoms. i turned her down, for 2 reasons: one, i had a
potential boyfriend... and two, what kind of a first time is that, with
a high homosexual in the back of his grandpa's trucki... how memorable
and special...
needless to say, she was a tad pissed, regardless of admitting or not
and it was blatantly obvious as she left my truck that night...
a week or two later, i begin to hear rumors surfacing among mutual
friends that, and i quote:
"matt chapman came onto liz in his truck by trying to bribe her with
weed and a box of condoms, because he was that desperate, and she turned
him down."
initially angered by this complete bullshit, i couldn't get in contact
with liz to discover the truth behind these allegations, for that's a
little too out there to be just miscommunication... names aren't
necessary for this part, they didn't do anything wrong. regardless.
finally after pursuing liz at her job, after being rudely ignored for
several minutes, she says she has nothing to say to me.
i was so confused, wondering what i did wrong to deserve such betrayal
from a so-called best friend...
after several more ignored barnes and nobles visit and rude treatment,
i finally get her to discuss these allegations with me:
liz claimed this was just miscommunication between her and said friends
(yeah, bullshit) and that the reason she wanted nothing to do with me
anymore is because i had changed over the past few months and that i was
this no longer the person she thought she knew as a friend... the truth
is that i had come out, was kicked out of my home, no longer financially
supported by any means from the parentals (including college) living
with my boyfriend, and messing around with drugs, not a good turn... i
understand i went through a lot of changes and made a lot of mistakes,
but dear God, is this not when young gay boys need their female friends
the most in this world? hell, friends of any sort... yes, i made many
unwise choices, but none directly involving her , and i still was unsure
of how any of this had to do with what she had done, in terms of
dragging my name through the mudd...
she told me that until I had changed for the better, i should not give her a call.
i cried quite a bit that night and the next day, not understanding why
my friend would leave me when i needed her most, in perhaps one of the
most difficult times in my life thus far... but regardless, she did, or
at least until i had "cleaned up my act."
>>>fastforward a few months
hadn't seen liz working whenever i went into b&n, wondering if she had
perhaps found a new job elsewhere... but on this particular night, i saw
her over behind the cafe' counter. i just got this huge smile on my face
because i hadn't seen her in forever, and wanted to know how her life was
going... in terms of cleaning up my act, i now had a job, was enrolled
in school, in a normal healthy relationship for six months, and for the
most part drug free... i would say that should qualify, no?
there's a bit of a line and it's near closing so i can tell she's not in
the best of moods... i notice her trademark black bun after several
color attempts, and a new pierced lip that i liked a lot, and was
planning on telling her so when i got to the front. she made direct eye
contact with me and looked right past me, not as if not knowing me but
as in ignoring, giving me flashbacks of the months before... she did
this twice more, rolling her eyes the second, and sighing the third... i
was hoping what was happening wasn't what i feared, and i wasn't the
cause of all this.
when there was no one else in line, she looked up at me and said "if
you're not going to buy something, i suggest you leave." and walked off.
confused and upset by this obvious brush off, i asked how she was doing
and why she was acting this way, but before two words came out, i just
got "leave, now."
and so i did...
my boyfriend on the other hand, a red-blooded Spaniard witness her
obvious rudeness and knew our history, going over and telling her what
he thought of her.... uncalled for, but my baby was just trying to stand
up for me, so i understood his intentions...
out in the parking lot, i decided that i would not let this friendship
end this way after all that we had been through and how much it meant to
me, over reasons that were unknown and obviously not wanting to be
discussed by her...
so i went back in and was met by:
" i will call security. leave. "
stunned by this threat, i almost broke into tears wondering why someone
i once considered my closest friend who would critique my monologues on
the beach late at night and go lobster-watching in the clouds... could
be so fucking mean to me. my upset face infuriated her apparently:
" and don't give me that puppy-face shit. go. "
but then, she said something i never once imagined she would ever say to
me or anyone for that matter, regardless of the circumstances:
" I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR FAGGOTS "
oh, i see... so if i was 100% straight, you might actually inform me as to why you hurt me? so it's all because i'm gay, i get it... (please acknowledge the sarcasm)
yeah. wow. that fucking hurt. that fucking hurt, a lot. and what the
fuck did i do to deserve all of this, liz? honestly, i'm intrigued...
what could i possibly have done to you to create such fucking... rage!?
IS IT BECAUSE I WOULDN'T FUCK YOU LIZ? IS THAT IT???
so yes, i'm sure i will be hated for this post and so bluntly and
honestly putting someone's shit on shout, but i believbe everyone gets
what they deserve in the end. you hurt me... and so you more than had it
being posted "for all to read" coming after that last comment tonight...
so all can call me what they will or say what they want in terms of my
logic, but i still don't see how any of this is my fault or why i got
fucked over by a good friend here... liz evanson, you did me dirty dirty
and thus i'm calling you on your shit.
You often told me that you’re greatest fear as that no one liked you, and I always insisted that couldn’t be further from the truth… well, I don’t know about everyone, but I certainly don’t like you anymore… not because of who you are, how you act, or what you look like… simply because you fucked me over for not fucking you over.
so livejournal readers (if for some readon you read this far...)
the only logical conclusion i can draw is that becuase i wouldn't fuck
this girl, she turned against me and tried to turn my friends against
me as well, not to mention publically embarassing me on several
occasions at my favorite bookstore... i guess that's what friends are
for, eh?
.matthew t. chapman.
This post is dedicated/directed toward said individual Liz Evanson, a former romantic interest and best friend of mine throughout and out of high school. She, quite simply, fucked me over. Liz, you betrayed my friendship and publically embarrassed me one too many times, and I’m still not entirely sure why, knowing that I would never dream of doing such things to you… but you earned this.
Therefore I ask, Livejournal Community, please help me determine what it is that I did wrong to cause a former best friend to turn her back on me in this manner…
today is the day that i awoke inside myself while crying in the parking
lot of barnes&nobles wondering where i went wrong in life and what
single act could i possibly have done to deserve such treatment from
someone i once had romantic feelings for and for many years have called
a best friend of mine...
but in my realization, i was finally able to come to the conclusion:
nothing. i didn't do anything wrong... i am in fact the victim of an
extremely immature little girl who doesn't know how else to deal with
embarassment.
( now this is important - before everyone begins to type comments of
"oh, how mature are you to do this shit on livejournal..." well, how
else can you tell someone how you feel if they won't listen... thus i
write. )
honestly, i'm pissed the fuck off.
said individual, liz evanson (oh yeah, i'm totally calling you on your
shit by name for you more than deserve it after all you've put me
through) sat in the passengers seat of my truck after a denny's evening
of discussing life, love, and the pursuit of happiness... shootin' the
shit really. i had weed, we were out in front of a cvs... i asked if she
wanted to smoke. she had a bottle of vodka, didn't really feel like
drinking. homegurl incessively came onto me, to the point of unzipping
her pants and offering to go into the 24hour walgreens and pay for a
box, yes box of condoms. i turned her down, for 2 reasons: one, i had a
potential boyfriend... and two, what kind of a first time is that, with
a high homosexual in the back of his grandpa's trucki... how memorable
and special...
needless to say, she was a tad pissed, regardless of admitting or not
and it was blatantly obvious as she left my truck that night...
a week or two later, i begin to hear rumors surfacing among mutual
friends that, and i quote:
"matt chapman came onto liz in his truck by trying to bribe her with
weed and a box of condoms, because he was that desperate, and she turned
him down."
initially angered by this complete bullshit, i couldn't get in contact
with liz to discover the truth behind these allegations, for that's a
little too out there to be just miscommunication... names aren't
necessary for this part, they didn't do anything wrong. regardless.
finally after pursuing liz at her job, after being rudely ignored for
several minutes, she says she has nothing to say to me.
i was so confused, wondering what i did wrong to deserve such betrayal
from a so-called best friend...
after several more ignored barnes and nobles visit and rude treatment,
i finally get her to discuss these allegations with me:
liz claimed this was just miscommunication between her and said friends
(yeah, bullshit) and that the reason she wanted nothing to do with me
anymore is because i had changed over the past few months and that i was
this no longer the person she thought she knew as a friend... the truth
is that i had come out, was kicked out of my home, no longer financially
supported by any means from the parentals (including college) living
with my boyfriend, and messing around with drugs, not a good turn... i
understand i went through a lot of changes and made a lot of mistakes,
but dear God, is this not when young gay boys need their female friends
the most in this world? hell, friends of any sort... yes, i made many
unwise choices, but none directly involving her , and i still was unsure
of how any of this had to do with what she had done, in terms of
dragging my name through the mudd...
she told me that until I had changed for the better, i should not give her a call.
i cried quite a bit that night and the next day, not understanding why
my friend would leave me when i needed her most, in perhaps one of the
most difficult times in my life thus far... but regardless, she did, or
at least until i had "cleaned up my act."
>>>fastforward a few months
hadn't seen liz working whenever i went into b&n, wondering if she had
perhaps found a new job elsewhere... but on this particular night, i saw
her over behind the cafe' counter. i just got this huge smile on my face
because i hadn't seen her in forever, and wanted to know how her life was
going... in terms of cleaning up my act, i now had a job, was enrolled
in school, in a normal healthy relationship for six months, and for the
most part drug free... i would say that should qualify, no?
there's a bit of a line and it's near closing so i can tell she's not in
the best of moods... i notice her trademark black bun after several
color attempts, and a new pierced lip that i liked a lot, and was
planning on telling her so when i got to the front. she made direct eye
contact with me and looked right past me, not as if not knowing me but
as in ignoring, giving me flashbacks of the months before... she did
this twice more, rolling her eyes the second, and sighing the third... i
was hoping what was happening wasn't what i feared, and i wasn't the
cause of all this.
when there was no one else in line, she looked up at me and said "if
you're not going to buy something, i suggest you leave." and walked off.
confused and upset by this obvious brush off, i asked how she was doing
and why she was acting this way, but before two words came out, i just
got "leave, now."
and so i did...
my boyfriend on the other hand, a red-blooded Spaniard witness her
obvious rudeness and knew our history, going over and telling her what
he thought of her.... uncalled for, but my baby was just trying to stand
up for me, so i understood his intentions...
out in the parking lot, i decided that i would not let this friendship
end this way after all that we had been through and how much it meant to
me, over reasons that were unknown and obviously not wanting to be
discussed by her...
so i went back in and was met by:
" i will call security. leave. "
stunned by this threat, i almost broke into tears wondering why someone
i once considered my closest friend who would critique my monologues on
the beach late at night and go lobster-watching in the clouds... could
be so fucking mean to me. my upset face infuriated her apparently:
" and don't give me that puppy-face shit. go. "
but then, she said something i never once imagined she would ever say to
me or anyone for that matter, regardless of the circumstances:
" I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR FAGGOTS "
oh, i see... so if i was 100% straight, you might actually inform me as to why you hurt me? so it's all because i'm gay, i get it... (please acknowledge the sarcasm)
yeah. wow. that fucking hurt. that fucking hurt, a lot. and what the
fuck did i do to deserve all of this, liz? honestly, i'm intrigued...
what could i possibly have done to you to create such fucking... rage!?
IS IT BECAUSE I WOULDN'T FUCK YOU LIZ? IS THAT IT???
so yes, i'm sure i will be hated for this post and so bluntly and
honestly putting someone's shit on shout, but i believbe everyone gets
what they deserve in the end. you hurt me... and so you more than had it
being posted "for all to read" coming after that last comment tonight...
so all can call me what they will or say what they want in terms of my
logic, but i still don't see how any of this is my fault or why i got
fucked over by a good friend here... liz evanson, you did me dirty dirty
and thus i'm calling you on your shit.
You often told me that you’re greatest fear as that no one liked you, and I always insisted that couldn’t be further from the truth… well, I don’t know about everyone, but I certainly don’t like you anymore… not because of who you are, how you act, or what you look like… simply because you fucked me over for not fucking you over.
so livejournal readers (if for some readon you read this far...)
the only logical conclusion i can draw is that becuase i wouldn't fuck
this girl, she turned against me and tried to turn my friends against
me as well, not to mention publically embarassing me on several
occasions at my favorite bookstore... i guess that's what friends are
for, eh?
.matthew t. chapman.