Zen Evening...
Well, it's been a long time since I've done an LJ post. I guess it's time.
I thought I'd write about yesterday evening.
(And if you don't care - then by all means move on, but it's kind of different despite being not different).
I have no backup at work so being away in Toronto has resulted in a lot of 'pile up'. My holidays aren't really so much holidays as 'work deferral' because little to nothing gets done in my absence.
I suppose in some ways I should be grateful that I am effectively indispensable. Certainly it helps with job security. I've even gotten a promotion recently (the associated pay raise should hit next month).
So I worked fairly late and was also pretty tired. Toronto was very rewarding but HARD. I baked myself pretty well and I think I'm only just today recovered from that. Heat exhaustion even when you're young can do some lasting damage to your internal therostat.
At 6:30 I leave work and gas up the car, which is sucking fumes. It's a 45 minute drive home. Melly is with Amy tonight so I'm expecting nothing but a big empty house, but tonight I'm good with this. Sometimes I find it depressing, but for some reason not tonight.
I decide I want to cook and I know I need groceries. I stop on the way home to pick up some basics. A pepper, some mushrooms, a couple small steaks, a little ham, some frozen stuff for fast meals and, finally, a large pack of hot Italian sausage!
Upon arriving home I realize that, honestly, I need to deal with the fridge before putting all this stuff away. The freezer is no big deal, but the fridge itself has been being neglected. Time to change that. Old leftovers, mostly veggies go out to the compost. The stew that Amy made but which never got eaten before she moved out had turned into a mouldy dried out brick. More compost and the pot into the sink to be thoroughly cleaned. The drawers were cleaned out and some ancient condiments tossed.
I still need to deal with the frost free vent which keeps freezing up and trickling water into the bottom, but that's going to require taking apart part of the back of the fridge. It'll be done another day. Still, there's room now for the new stuff and I even found some things that could be saved or go over to Amy which may still be good.
I wash up and split out the meat, freezing a large part of it but keeping some of the sausage out for tonight's meal. It's very calming. Like shining shoes or painting a wall. Just doing simple things that let you focus and make progress. It takes away from the fact that I'm alone in a big empty house so instead of feeling lonely or down, I just feel calm and centered. I don't know why it works - but work it does. Maybe it's maturity, or experience or just getting older. It's an interesting experience. While it makes me feel somewhat an elder, it's not unwelcome.
I start the water boiling and the sausages sizzling and cut up half the pepper and some mushrooms. While waiting for that I unload the dishwasher. I have a bunch of dishes that need doing.
My dishwasher is an old thing. Nice when it was new but despite a fair amount of repairing lately, it's tired. This time it's not done a very good job. I unload some stuff and set aside to handwash and load what I've got in one of the two sinks.
I take a break and add the pasta to the water and tomato sauce to the sausage and veggies. Spices are next and then covering things up. The smell is wonderful.
With that lined up, I get ready to run the dishwasher and notice that the water lines aren't extending freely. If they're pinched, that might explain the poor performance. Off comes the top of the dishwasher and the lines get checked. I decide to run it without the top on and see how that goes.
Supper is finished and I dish it out and set it aside, clean up and start the dishwasher. I need something to watch while I eat and wait on the dishes. A quick pass through my movie collection and I decide on Alistair Maclean's 'Where Eagles Dare'. Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood - a favorite from my childhood.
Dinner is delicious and there is enough for another small meal. A lunch maybe. The dishwasher finishes and I pause the movie in order to unload it. Sure enough the performance is much better. I put the top back on and now the hoses work freely. Problem sorted.
The clean dishes are unloaded and the last of the dirty ones go in after some diligent hand washing. The stove and one side of the counter get scrubbed. The sinks are empty and scrubbed. My kitchen is looking like a kitchen and not as much a disaster area anymore.
I finish the film while the final dishes are running. Spend some time with personal things and email and then it's off to bed. A bit late but I'm tired and get to sleep almost immediately.
It was a quiet evening and nothing of moment happened - and yet it was calming and not depressing. I think this is a good thing - as it lets me function alone as I have to for right now, and gives me focus and the strength to enjoy those parts of my life where I am alone.
This is significant. Very much so. Most of my life I've been very much focussed on others and how I relate to them. Inner, personal, solo peace has simply never been something I could attain save rarely. Living on my own has always been torment. Soul. Destroying. Torment. Not so tonight.
It's calming. It's strange and it's kind of zen. It feels good, in a way, although not joyous good, more sort of placid- Walden style good. I'm not sure what it means, but there it is.
And for some strange reason, I wanted to share.
I thought I'd write about yesterday evening.
(And if you don't care - then by all means move on, but it's kind of different despite being not different).
I have no backup at work so being away in Toronto has resulted in a lot of 'pile up'. My holidays aren't really so much holidays as 'work deferral' because little to nothing gets done in my absence.
I suppose in some ways I should be grateful that I am effectively indispensable. Certainly it helps with job security. I've even gotten a promotion recently (the associated pay raise should hit next month).
So I worked fairly late and was also pretty tired. Toronto was very rewarding but HARD. I baked myself pretty well and I think I'm only just today recovered from that. Heat exhaustion even when you're young can do some lasting damage to your internal therostat.
At 6:30 I leave work and gas up the car, which is sucking fumes. It's a 45 minute drive home. Melly is with Amy tonight so I'm expecting nothing but a big empty house, but tonight I'm good with this. Sometimes I find it depressing, but for some reason not tonight.
I decide I want to cook and I know I need groceries. I stop on the way home to pick up some basics. A pepper, some mushrooms, a couple small steaks, a little ham, some frozen stuff for fast meals and, finally, a large pack of hot Italian sausage!
Upon arriving home I realize that, honestly, I need to deal with the fridge before putting all this stuff away. The freezer is no big deal, but the fridge itself has been being neglected. Time to change that. Old leftovers, mostly veggies go out to the compost. The stew that Amy made but which never got eaten before she moved out had turned into a mouldy dried out brick. More compost and the pot into the sink to be thoroughly cleaned. The drawers were cleaned out and some ancient condiments tossed.
I still need to deal with the frost free vent which keeps freezing up and trickling water into the bottom, but that's going to require taking apart part of the back of the fridge. It'll be done another day. Still, there's room now for the new stuff and I even found some things that could be saved or go over to Amy which may still be good.
I wash up and split out the meat, freezing a large part of it but keeping some of the sausage out for tonight's meal. It's very calming. Like shining shoes or painting a wall. Just doing simple things that let you focus and make progress. It takes away from the fact that I'm alone in a big empty house so instead of feeling lonely or down, I just feel calm and centered. I don't know why it works - but work it does. Maybe it's maturity, or experience or just getting older. It's an interesting experience. While it makes me feel somewhat an elder, it's not unwelcome.
I start the water boiling and the sausages sizzling and cut up half the pepper and some mushrooms. While waiting for that I unload the dishwasher. I have a bunch of dishes that need doing.
My dishwasher is an old thing. Nice when it was new but despite a fair amount of repairing lately, it's tired. This time it's not done a very good job. I unload some stuff and set aside to handwash and load what I've got in one of the two sinks.
I take a break and add the pasta to the water and tomato sauce to the sausage and veggies. Spices are next and then covering things up. The smell is wonderful.
With that lined up, I get ready to run the dishwasher and notice that the water lines aren't extending freely. If they're pinched, that might explain the poor performance. Off comes the top of the dishwasher and the lines get checked. I decide to run it without the top on and see how that goes.
Supper is finished and I dish it out and set it aside, clean up and start the dishwasher. I need something to watch while I eat and wait on the dishes. A quick pass through my movie collection and I decide on Alistair Maclean's 'Where Eagles Dare'. Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood - a favorite from my childhood.
Dinner is delicious and there is enough for another small meal. A lunch maybe. The dishwasher finishes and I pause the movie in order to unload it. Sure enough the performance is much better. I put the top back on and now the hoses work freely. Problem sorted.
The clean dishes are unloaded and the last of the dirty ones go in after some diligent hand washing. The stove and one side of the counter get scrubbed. The sinks are empty and scrubbed. My kitchen is looking like a kitchen and not as much a disaster area anymore.
I finish the film while the final dishes are running. Spend some time with personal things and email and then it's off to bed. A bit late but I'm tired and get to sleep almost immediately.
It was a quiet evening and nothing of moment happened - and yet it was calming and not depressing. I think this is a good thing - as it lets me function alone as I have to for right now, and gives me focus and the strength to enjoy those parts of my life where I am alone.
This is significant. Very much so. Most of my life I've been very much focussed on others and how I relate to them. Inner, personal, solo peace has simply never been something I could attain save rarely. Living on my own has always been torment. Soul. Destroying. Torment. Not so tonight.
It's calming. It's strange and it's kind of zen. It feels good, in a way, although not joyous good, more sort of placid- Walden style good. I'm not sure what it means, but there it is.
And for some strange reason, I wanted to share.