Today I am a passenger....
....in my own conciousness.
Which is to say that the part of my mind which is writing this is the rational part. And it has decided today to get into the back seat of the car/roller coaster of my mind and let the crazy do all the driving.
This feels very much like watching a lunatic who is skidding along a razor's edge of a road in a car and one side there is a sea of tears and on the other there is some sort of equivalent liquid only composed of rage. And I'm sat in the back watching the lunatic respond to all sorts of nonsensical, hypocritical, road messages in an entirely irrational way and trying to decide whether to drive off into tears or into rage. Veering towards the former, because while locking yourself away and crying is embarassing, at least there are not any legal repercussions you get from assaulting someone.
To the rational part of me, none of this makes sense. It can analyse every emotion and quite happily bin the lot of them as the idiocy that they are. The rational part of me is the back seat passenger in a vehicle where it is trying to help the driver, but all the driver is doing is screaming incomprehensible obscentities at the traffic and randomly changing gear. The driver is angry and anxious and also incredibly tired.
Today doesn't feel like a good day and I can't get hold of the wheel to stop it getting worse.
Onwards into a oblivion.
Honestly, getting into character as Daolyth, with all the misery that implies, is going to feel like a break.
Which is to say that the part of my mind which is writing this is the rational part. And it has decided today to get into the back seat of the car/roller coaster of my mind and let the crazy do all the driving.
This feels very much like watching a lunatic who is skidding along a razor's edge of a road in a car and one side there is a sea of tears and on the other there is some sort of equivalent liquid only composed of rage. And I'm sat in the back watching the lunatic respond to all sorts of nonsensical, hypocritical, road messages in an entirely irrational way and trying to decide whether to drive off into tears or into rage. Veering towards the former, because while locking yourself away and crying is embarassing, at least there are not any legal repercussions you get from assaulting someone.
To the rational part of me, none of this makes sense. It can analyse every emotion and quite happily bin the lot of them as the idiocy that they are. The rational part of me is the back seat passenger in a vehicle where it is trying to help the driver, but all the driver is doing is screaming incomprehensible obscentities at the traffic and randomly changing gear. The driver is angry and anxious and also incredibly tired.
Today doesn't feel like a good day and I can't get hold of the wheel to stop it getting worse.
Onwards into a oblivion.
Honestly, getting into character as Daolyth, with all the misery that implies, is going to feel like a break.