(no subject)
i dunno i fucken hate the weekends because then i'm free to think for myself.. and i go fucken nuts when there's nothing to occupy me... uuugh the warm weather's here too and that drives me insane..makes me wanna drink.. this was definitly my favorite drinking time of the year.. i dunno.. i fucken hate HATE HATE!!
as usual i'm going to put my shit out for people to read and let everybody know what's wrong with me and then feel like a crap beast and then feel fine.. it's so pathetic..i swear i get into this self-pity routines every weekend, just sitting around feeling sorry for myself, because really what's there better to do???
anyways as usual i'm by myself on friday night.. because my fucken boyfriend went out..with his friends.. and usually i don't mind so much .. or maybe i'm better at hiding the fact that i really do mind, but today i'm fucken pissed.. i've been real nice cos i always get real confused when someone i care about tells me what wrong with me...so i figure i'm the bad guy and i let them do there thing and be themselves..and stay out of the way (well at least thats what i've been doing with him).. and like now it's gotten to a point where all i say is ok, yes, ok ,yes and ok some more.. this isn't fucken me ..i'm not the stupid fucken blonde girl that depends on a man bringing her happiness so bad that she conforms to his every need.. it's not me ...and how do i know this..because i'm fucken miserrable doing it...it doesn't bring me one fucken bit of happiness.. the second i show some kindness he takes it as weakness.. oh no honey..it might fucken hurt if i leave you but it's fucken well worth the pain.. i'm not the fucken bad guy here.. all i am is miserable not being myself.. actually i should probably say that this relationship has been going down hill for like about a month now.. but since i live here it's kinda hard to end it.. and i really didn't wanna put this out because i'm sure some people will be happy to see me in pain..or it's just my parinoia .. but i really don't care anymore because this IS whats going on with me.. WITH ME and what other people think is truley non of my business .. unless they make it that way.. which hopefully they won't ..
oh fuck dude, this really sucks.. i can't fucken pretend anymore
as usual i'm going to put my shit out for people to read and let everybody know what's wrong with me and then feel like a crap beast and then feel fine.. it's so pathetic..i swear i get into this self-pity routines every weekend, just sitting around feeling sorry for myself, because really what's there better to do???
anyways as usual i'm by myself on friday night.. because my fucken boyfriend went out..with his friends.. and usually i don't mind so much .. or maybe i'm better at hiding the fact that i really do mind, but today i'm fucken pissed.. i've been real nice cos i always get real confused when someone i care about tells me what wrong with me...so i figure i'm the bad guy and i let them do there thing and be themselves..and stay out of the way (well at least thats what i've been doing with him).. and like now it's gotten to a point where all i say is ok, yes, ok ,yes and ok some more.. this isn't fucken me ..i'm not the stupid fucken blonde girl that depends on a man bringing her happiness so bad that she conforms to his every need.. it's not me ...and how do i know this..because i'm fucken miserrable doing it...it doesn't bring me one fucken bit of happiness.. the second i show some kindness he takes it as weakness.. oh no honey..it might fucken hurt if i leave you but it's fucken well worth the pain.. i'm not the fucken bad guy here.. all i am is miserable not being myself.. actually i should probably say that this relationship has been going down hill for like about a month now.. but since i live here it's kinda hard to end it.. and i really didn't wanna put this out because i'm sure some people will be happy to see me in pain..or it's just my parinoia .. but i really don't care anymore because this IS whats going on with me.. WITH ME and what other people think is truley non of my business .. unless they make it that way.. which hopefully they won't ..
oh fuck dude, this really sucks.. i can't fucken pretend anymore