(no subject)
i have nothing to write about but i feel like writting.. my vacation is going to end soon i'm a bit sad about that ..because i'm not doing so well in school and i really got get my act straight after the break... i'm kinda failing math and it's sad because i know everything we're doing but i just keep missing school ...it's my fault.... and i missed two tests already that i can't make up.. i have a project due april 15th and i haven't even started it yet...i haven't even chose a topic either... well i'm sure it'll all work out... i leave everything for last minute anyway at least now i get it done tho...before i really believed that i would do it at the last minute but i never did...hence i failed out of my first college... but now somethings different i feel really guilty when i don't do it.. so i sit my ass down and do it..it might have something to do with having feelings about things now.
lately the world has been making me sick..i always knew that this is a cruel world.. but i never actually felt it before.. i blurted some shit out the other day how it makes me sick the role that women play in this world and it makes me even sicker that i'm suppose to be someones wife and bear someones children and i know that i don't have to do anything if i don't want to .. but at the same time it makes me feel good to know that i might be married and have kids one day and that makes me feel even more pathetic...you know? it goes in fucken circle.. and i definitly am thinking to much.. but i can't help it sometimes...i think it's perfectly alright...because it's really not my fault. i'm just insane... sometimes i even get relief out of it..
i really probably shouldn't write about this but i will.. anyways and hopefully danny won't stumble across it by some unexpected accident...i'm not sure why i'm going to share this with people but i will anyway, you know the more i get broken down the more i like him .. and it's sick that we already tell eachother we love one another.. but to some extent i think it's true, well at least on my part ( i don't quite trust myself with love and all that romance type stuff).. so, we had sex yesturday.. i never really have an orgasism and i really don't feel the need to lie about it.. and i don't...but after this little break down that i had recently .. i just realized that it felt so good to just have him in me.. (it felt better than the time i had sex on coke, or on shrooms)... it was just fucken amazing how many feeling went into it and it was like everything was perfect. and i didn't come or anything.. but it was like i didn't need to.. it just felt so good to know he was there with me... and i don't doubt that relationships are extremely hard sober and i'm always mad at him or frustated about something with him, and i have learned to keep my mouth shut...which was the hardest part.... but that moment just reminded that even with all the bullshit.. i can just love him for what he is.
lately the world has been making me sick..i always knew that this is a cruel world.. but i never actually felt it before.. i blurted some shit out the other day how it makes me sick the role that women play in this world and it makes me even sicker that i'm suppose to be someones wife and bear someones children and i know that i don't have to do anything if i don't want to .. but at the same time it makes me feel good to know that i might be married and have kids one day and that makes me feel even more pathetic...you know? it goes in fucken circle.. and i definitly am thinking to much.. but i can't help it sometimes...i think it's perfectly alright...because it's really not my fault. i'm just insane... sometimes i even get relief out of it..
i really probably shouldn't write about this but i will.. anyways and hopefully danny won't stumble across it by some unexpected accident...i'm not sure why i'm going to share this with people but i will anyway, you know the more i get broken down the more i like him .. and it's sick that we already tell eachother we love one another.. but to some extent i think it's true, well at least on my part ( i don't quite trust myself with love and all that romance type stuff).. so, we had sex yesturday.. i never really have an orgasism and i really don't feel the need to lie about it.. and i don't...but after this little break down that i had recently .. i just realized that it felt so good to just have him in me.. (it felt better than the time i had sex on coke, or on shrooms)... it was just fucken amazing how many feeling went into it and it was like everything was perfect. and i didn't come or anything.. but it was like i didn't need to.. it just felt so good to know he was there with me... and i don't doubt that relationships are extremely hard sober and i'm always mad at him or frustated about something with him, and i have learned to keep my mouth shut...which was the hardest part.... but that moment just reminded that even with all the bullshit.. i can just love him for what he is.