Банальная ревность
Нашла совершенно душераздирающее признание Дайске Такахаши о последних годах соревнований и о том, как и почему ушла мотивация.
Value my honest self
If possible, I didn’t want to skate. Of course the moments that I was skating were fun, and I didn’t feel uncomfortable when I did. But I didn’t want to get involved as much as possible. …
I think I was originally [skating] because I felt joy in “being wanted and expected” rather than because “I liked to”. This is why when I questioned myself whether I actually like skating, it wasn’t always the case.
Right after the Sochi Olympics, in March, I thought the feeling would come back a little, but when I tried to confirm my honest feelings, it just went farther away. …
Maybe I’m not needed
A little before the Sochi Olympics, there was a period of time when I thought I might not retire after Sochi. I think it’s because the possibility was growing that I wouldn’t be able to finish cleanly.
One after the other, skaters appeared saying they’d retire after Sochi, and I was worried for the skating world, and the thought crossed my mind that I might continue for a little longer after Sochi, but how conceited, what outrageous arrogance. That thought quickly disappeared. …
Even if I’m not there, no one will want me…
This thought became stronger recently.
I think Yuzuru especially was a big reason. Before I knew it, I was feeling it was no use trying to win, not only in the winning-losing results, but also over Yuzuru’s eye-catching attractiveness that draws in the audience and the venue.
I never wanted to lose in that regard to anyone, but from 2 seasons before Sochi, something like an insurmountable wall, the feeling that it couldn’t be helped if I lost to him, became bigger and bigger.
Rather than getting more competitive, I became more and more objective. The feeling of “not being wanted” became stronger towards Sochi, and it was tough. This also decreased my motivation.
I’m not good at competing away, and the feeling of competing at home, of being cheered for was a point of my motivation. True, a lot of people cheered for me, but it felt a little forced. I couldn’t even gratefully accept the support.
I even doubted the home-feeling. Please don’t force yourself to clap. A lot of people are giving me a standing ovation, but something’s not right. How many of them are actually standing whole-heartedly? Is it out of charity, or is it a fair evaluation…?
I started to feel like that since the 12-13 season, and in the Sochi season, not only Yuzuru, but Tatsuki also leapt forward and did performances that drew in the audience, and I continued to feel like that all the time.
My cool impassivity just kept growing and I couldn’t even get fired up.
My competitiveness didn’t kick in
For me, how strongly wanted and recognized I am in an atmosphere is more important than getting first in results. More than results, I hate to lose in the hearts of people. …
My competitiveness kicks in when I feel the hearts of people moving away. When people who want me stop wanting me. I can work hard because I want to be accepted by people I regard. …
But in the Sochi season, that competitiveness didn’t kick in easily. If there was a hope, a possibility of winning, then the competitiveness would kick in. But if I felt an obvious margin, I couldn’t think I wanted to win. I gave up.
I think my assumption that I’m not wanted, I don’t need to be there, speeded up my decision to retire. …
Отсюда: http://ice-kingfisher.tumblr.com/post/109573249748/2000-days-part-1
Жадина-говядина. Хотел, чтобы любили только его одного. А чувствовал, что любовь назревает к хорошенькому. Так же чувствовал нелюбовь зала, как Патрик в Японии при условии, что Патрик шел против своих, а свои роднее любого чемпиона.
Не думал о том, что был, пожалуй, единственным, невысоким, с иногда казавшимися коротковатыми ногами, спортсменом, который в движении нивелировал абсолютно все изъяны и недостатки. Пластикой, растяжкой, вытянутыми позициями. Дурень! Не думал, что в моменты его шикарных выступлений он был главным объектом желания у большинства аудитории, потому что уже был совершеннолетним и развитым, сложившимся молодым мужчиной. Кто мог искренне хотеть того семнадцатилетнего цыпленка, который умирал после каждого проката? Который если и брал-то, то только техникой, даже скольжения у него того мастерского еще не было. Только молодость, рьяность, упертость, настоящий талант к соперничеству и дикое желание достать до золота рукой, загрести в ручки, никому не отдавать.
Дай, Дай... Если б ты только знал, какое количество людей по всему миру скакало бы от счастья, вопя дурниной, если бы ты снова взял олимпийскую медаль... Сколько народу отдало бы последнюю толику личной удачи тебе, тебе лично, а не кому-то еще из твоей сборной. Дай.
Мое маленькое пожелание тебе лично: значит так, едешь куда ты хочешь и занимаешься чем душа просит- и чтобы каждый человек, который тебя будет узнавать, подходил бы к тебе, благодарил и обнимал тебя так крепко, чтобы вся накопившаяся в тебе горечь ушла навсегда. Через год ровно.
Value my honest self
If possible, I didn’t want to skate. Of course the moments that I was skating were fun, and I didn’t feel uncomfortable when I did. But I didn’t want to get involved as much as possible. …
I think I was originally [skating] because I felt joy in “being wanted and expected” rather than because “I liked to”. This is why when I questioned myself whether I actually like skating, it wasn’t always the case.
Right after the Sochi Olympics, in March, I thought the feeling would come back a little, but when I tried to confirm my honest feelings, it just went farther away. …
Maybe I’m not needed
A little before the Sochi Olympics, there was a period of time when I thought I might not retire after Sochi. I think it’s because the possibility was growing that I wouldn’t be able to finish cleanly.
One after the other, skaters appeared saying they’d retire after Sochi, and I was worried for the skating world, and the thought crossed my mind that I might continue for a little longer after Sochi, but how conceited, what outrageous arrogance. That thought quickly disappeared. …
Even if I’m not there, no one will want me…
This thought became stronger recently.
I think Yuzuru especially was a big reason. Before I knew it, I was feeling it was no use trying to win, not only in the winning-losing results, but also over Yuzuru’s eye-catching attractiveness that draws in the audience and the venue.
I never wanted to lose in that regard to anyone, but from 2 seasons before Sochi, something like an insurmountable wall, the feeling that it couldn’t be helped if I lost to him, became bigger and bigger.
Rather than getting more competitive, I became more and more objective. The feeling of “not being wanted” became stronger towards Sochi, and it was tough. This also decreased my motivation.
I’m not good at competing away, and the feeling of competing at home, of being cheered for was a point of my motivation. True, a lot of people cheered for me, but it felt a little forced. I couldn’t even gratefully accept the support.
I even doubted the home-feeling. Please don’t force yourself to clap. A lot of people are giving me a standing ovation, but something’s not right. How many of them are actually standing whole-heartedly? Is it out of charity, or is it a fair evaluation…?
I started to feel like that since the 12-13 season, and in the Sochi season, not only Yuzuru, but Tatsuki also leapt forward and did performances that drew in the audience, and I continued to feel like that all the time.
My cool impassivity just kept growing and I couldn’t even get fired up.
My competitiveness didn’t kick in
For me, how strongly wanted and recognized I am in an atmosphere is more important than getting first in results. More than results, I hate to lose in the hearts of people. …
My competitiveness kicks in when I feel the hearts of people moving away. When people who want me stop wanting me. I can work hard because I want to be accepted by people I regard. …
But in the Sochi season, that competitiveness didn’t kick in easily. If there was a hope, a possibility of winning, then the competitiveness would kick in. But if I felt an obvious margin, I couldn’t think I wanted to win. I gave up.
I think my assumption that I’m not wanted, I don’t need to be there, speeded up my decision to retire. …
Отсюда: http://ice-kingfisher.tumblr.com/post/109573249748/2000-days-part-1
Жадина-говядина. Хотел, чтобы любили только его одного. А чувствовал, что любовь назревает к хорошенькому. Так же чувствовал нелюбовь зала, как Патрик в Японии при условии, что Патрик шел против своих, а свои роднее любого чемпиона.
Не думал о том, что был, пожалуй, единственным, невысоким, с иногда казавшимися коротковатыми ногами, спортсменом, который в движении нивелировал абсолютно все изъяны и недостатки. Пластикой, растяжкой, вытянутыми позициями. Дурень! Не думал, что в моменты его шикарных выступлений он был главным объектом желания у большинства аудитории, потому что уже был совершеннолетним и развитым, сложившимся молодым мужчиной. Кто мог искренне хотеть того семнадцатилетнего цыпленка, который умирал после каждого проката? Который если и брал-то, то только техникой, даже скольжения у него того мастерского еще не было. Только молодость, рьяность, упертость, настоящий талант к соперничеству и дикое желание достать до золота рукой, загрести в ручки, никому не отдавать.
Дай, Дай... Если б ты только знал, какое количество людей по всему миру скакало бы от счастья, вопя дурниной, если бы ты снова взял олимпийскую медаль... Сколько народу отдало бы последнюю толику личной удачи тебе, тебе лично, а не кому-то еще из твоей сборной. Дай.
Мое маленькое пожелание тебе лично: значит так, едешь куда ты хочешь и занимаешься чем душа просит- и чтобы каждый человек, который тебя будет узнавать, подходил бы к тебе, благодарил и обнимал тебя так крепко, чтобы вся накопившаяся в тебе горечь ушла навсегда. Через год ровно.
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